and all of my demons?
they look just
like
you.

I am not in the business of
Listening to lies
Which is why I hardly hear
When you say "I love you"
Love is the most overused word
In the english language
"I love this song!"
"I love this book!"
"I love that movie!"
"I love you."
It's become an impulse,
A reflex
Spoken in a monotone voice
Because I'm expected to
And every time we exchange those words
It feels like a transaction to me
When the words slip from your mouth
They feel clumsy and awkward
With no passion and not a hint of truth
Everyone tells me you don't mean those things
That you yell at me
That you say things without thinking
But just because you speak without a filter
Doesn't mean it's not true
If anger and abuse is the only kind of love
You have to offer
Then I don't ******* want it
You can keep your double standards
And your lies
I thought a mother
Was supposed to have
An agape kind of love
Not make their daughters
Feel like burdens
For even being alive
You've classically conditioned me
To not believe a word anyone says
I've had hope far too many times
And whenever you tell me you love me
And I fail to reply
You'll start yelling yet again
But you don't understand,
That unlike you,
I am not in the business of
Telling people lies

Love is a game of cards
Which I play with hands that fumble
While others hide the hearts on their sleeves
I try to speak without it coming out jumbled
I've been dealt a better hand than most
But I have no idea how to play it
I don't even have an adequate poker face
And my cards fall when I attempt a trick

Love is a game of Monopoly
In which I have little to offer
In a world of Rockefeller's and Morgan's
I sit on the side like a wallflower
An infinite cycle of going round and round
And I'm perpetually trying to catch up
But everyone's so far ahead of me
And the whole affair is quite corrupt

Love is a game of chess
In which I will never win
My moves come slow and hesitant
And I am trusting and easy to convince
Playing on a board of black and white
Although the game itself is in shades of grey
Drive me into a corner and call checkmate
Capture my heart then leave and I will never be okay

Love is a game of tug of war
An equilibrium between our ebb and flow
Keep pulling until we're hanging on by but a single thread
While I debate if the glass half empty or full
I'll always be the one loving more
Even when I don't let it show
And I'll be the one who ends up hurt
When you inevitably decide to let go

Love is a night of games in a casino
In a city of temptation and sin
Seal your covenants with a kiss
Sell your soul to the devil with the handsome grin
Make a wish,
And roll the dice,
Remember every rose has its thorns
And when jealousy blossoms, you'll pay the price

Love is a game of Russian Roulette
Which we all play willingly
Just another character flaw,
A human vulnerability
It's no use trying to protect anyone
Luck can save you time and time again
But you can't escape the bullet forever,
And we're all just victims of love in the end

i swear to god i'm learning
how to gracefully release
those not meant for me.

but more often than not
my wishful thinking
gets the best of me --

why couldn't you
why couldn't you be meant
why couldn't you be meant for me?

When it comes,
And it always comes,
Do you steel yourself,
Tense up like a coiled spring?
Do you fall to your knees and let it break over your head?
Or do you take a deep, calming breath,
And invite it cordially,
Like a familiar friend you may sit down to tea with?
The answer defines you.

When it comes,
And it always comes scalding,
I level my gaze-

*Hello, old friend. Do you take sugar with your heartache?

You are a star
Shining in the night sky
There's a burning in your chest
A supernova bursting behind your eyes
Full of life, full of love
I can't help but stop and stare
You help me find my way home
By just being there
You're the kind of beautiful
That makes me want to cry
All of the stars could make constellations
And you'd be brighter than them all combined
I am but a speck
Staring at you from below
But I feel a sense of hope
When I see you glow
You'll look down from up above
The whole earth as your view
You'll never know a tiny speck cries
Because I know I'll never be good enough for you

I promised myself I wouldn't talk to you
For a week.
Every day of that week,
I woke up feeling sick.
Feeling like there was a pressure cooker
In my chest
And the only way to let off steam
Would be to say something to you.
I battled.
I won.
I trudged through every ****** moment,
And yes,
It was hard the entire time,
And yes,
I hated myself for being unable to stop
Wishing I could just fold.
And the only thing that kept me going
Was that if I waited long enough
Maybe you'd notice you wondered where I went.
If I could just wait a week, that was how long it had been
Since you said anything to me.
If I could wait a week
We would be on equal footing
For once.
If I could just
For once
Not be the one trying so ******* hard
To get your attention...
And here it is,
A week.
A week I bribed myself through
With the promise that the moment it had passed
I could say one little hello to you,
And the possibility that maybe you'd say something
Back.
Here it is,
A week
And
What I realized this morning
When I opened my eyes and thought of you
Like always
Is that now that I've gone this far
I am afraid to lose my self respect...
Just for now, I have a glimmer of pride in my own heart.
Just for now, I find that I am much more afraid to say something to you
And have you ignore me again
And feel powerless and stupid and...
WEAK again,
And have to live in fear, loathing myself for loving you so much,
Than I am to trudge on in painful
But calm
Silence.

Fingers do a resolute tap, tap
on leather sofa arm.
Eyes shift upwards as
she enunciates each word
“I should have screamed
more.”

No longer does she live
like furniture
in a summer home,
hidden and covered
except when needed.

Newborn screams pierce
her coverings
and erupt, signaling
an end to her pretense.

Weary of repairing
other’s battered armor,
she hammers out
her own dents.