It's shocking, the first time you think it
Because you've lived a pretty normal life until now,
but as soon as you've thought it, you're changed
Maybe it's because you've been fighting this...
realization for a while
Because you've heard people say they "hate themselves,"
and you've thought that was the saddest thing you've ever heard
And now
Now you're one of them
The breath kind of leaves your chest,
like you've spoken the words instead of just thinking them
It's a little like you're in shock
Because wow, you knew you were sad, but is it really this bad?
Yeah, it is
It's actually this bad
I hate myself
And then you can't stop repeating it
Over and over and over in your mind
Then you're saying it out loud, in a whisper
Barely letting your thoughts touch the air
Your black, smoky, aching thoughts
The voices in your head that tell you you're a miserable waste of space
Good for nothing
Fat ***
Loser
I hate myself
And why shouldn't you?
Everyone else hates you anyway
Might as well join the crowd
They all think you're
annoying,
weird,
FAT
Suddenly you're gasping for breath
And you can hardly breathe because of all the thoughts you're thinking
God you just want to jump out of your own skin
Out of this body that you despise
And you want to apologize to everyone you've ever known
Because you're so sorry they've had to deal with you all these years
Years of your existence
You're such a burden
You can't even hate yourself all alone, can you?
No, you have to run to someone else
Burden them with your hate
Because of course they feel bad for you,
they're all good people
But you don't even deserve their pity
God, just leave them alone!
Stop bringing other people down!
Get yourself together!
Get better!
But you can't get better, can you?
Because that's just who you are
And that's why you feel this now
I hate myself
Because you finally realized it's not just your body you hate
You can always change that
It's your mind
Your smile
Your nose
Your whole ******* face
And more than that, it's your personality
The jokes you make
The sound of your own voice
The very thoughts you think are worthless
And pathetic
You're broken
You're not like other people
Other people are better than you
And you've finally realized that when you're born broken,
there's nothing you can do
Not
A
Thing
And if you can't change your insides, what can you do?
You're hopeless
Destroyed
Drained
You just want to pass out for a while
Anything to escape the never-ending agony of your own mind
Trapped in a body you hate
At war with yourself
"Your own worst enemy"
Doesn't even begin to cover it
More like your own destruction
A leader of genocide on a population of one; you
A suicide bomber; where the pilot, plane, and flight path are all made of you
You, you, you
It's funny, for someone who hates themselves so much,
Most of what you think about revolves around you
Every task
Every thought, every conversation, interaction, question asked & answered
Every look, every lesson, every thing anyone says or does around you,
Suddenly is a reminder of some part of you you hate
Then simple tasks become impossible
You make a small error, a superficial error
You dwell on it for weeks
You are in an instant panic
Anothermistakeanothermistakeanothermistake
You've burdened yet another person with your existence
Even more so, because everyone starts asking you;
"What's wrong? What's wrong?"
EVERYTHING IS WRONG, DON'T YOU SEE?
"Everything is wrong, because I am me"
I hate myself
It's the bottom of the barrel
It literally is a state of mind that defies nature
A feeling that defies our instinct to stay alive
Why why why why why?
Another question asked
Almost daily
"Why me?"
"Why was I born this way?"
"Why did I turn out like this?"
Why why why why why?
But no one ever answers
Because of course, it's only you
Alone with yourself
Like always