I have a friend
who likes to tell me
that I have a calming aura
as his litter of stray kittens
proceeds to envelop me
on my arrival.
As his dog lays at my feet.
Sometimes
I like to think he's right
that I exude peace and kindness.
Other times
I think maybe I just attract the sad and broken
the weak and needy.

I don't necessarily
think highly of myself
but
I live with an old dog
and a young cat
to whom I am the world.
Sometimes
I doubt my strength
but
I live with an old dog
and a young cat
both of which view me as their rock.
Sure
the dog whines constantly
poor ******* has arthritis
and sure
the cat's a little wild
I did scoop her up
crippled and alone
in front of my house.
And sure
sometimes I feel alone and broken
but I come home
to an old dog
and a young cat
and a small piece of my heart
finds its' way back.

At twenty-two years of age
I have experienced more death
than many of my elders.
In the past year alone
one expended his brains onto the ceiling
one died a mystery
face down in the river
one died in a car crash
on the run from the law
and the last faded into an ****** induced dream.
Twenty-two years
and I can no longer count the lost.

I listened to my younger brother
on the phone.
He told me
a friend had killed himself
shotgun under chin.
There was an open casket at the funeral.
They'd patched him back together
as best they could
but
some things you just can't fix.
My brother said he looked like an alien
foreign
misshapen.
Without thinking I responded
"You're at the age now brother
where people will start dropping like flies
for no good reason
and you'll have to learn to deal with it."
My brother is nineteen.
What is wrong with a world
in which that statement
is the truth?

I'm not the type to hold a grudge
But you've given me a reason
And the way I once felt is fading
Happy feelings diminished
And rapidly replenished with hate  
You've given me a reason
To believe everything you've ever said was fake
Almost trusting you
Turned out to be a mistake  
You've given me a reason
To not want to see your face  
When you walk in my direction
I just want to turn away
You've given me a reason to not want to stay

This voyage we were on wasn't meant to last
Before the ship set sail
I could already see the crash
My body went numb as I impaled the water with a splash
Sinking into the belly of the sea
My lungs swelled as I inhaled water in the search of air
My skin screamed from the piercing cold
I could feel the blood cruising through my veins start to slow
As my body tried to adapt to the blistering cold
But hypothermia had already taken its hold
And as you floated next to me
You thought we could overcome this wreckage
But you were the only one holding on to the debris
While I sank slowly beneath the waves
I wouldn't reach out even if you threw me a life raft  
I could tell we were lost out at sea
Blown of path from the draft caused by wrath
This ship was never meant to survive the sail
Even before the iceberg was unveiled

It hurts
But I'm not in pain

To risk trust and know you'll be betrayed is insanity
But it's a risk I was willing to take
That makes me insane

It hurts
But I'm not In pain

These trust issues eat me alive
So much
That there's a hole dug so deep inside my heart
I could crawl in and hide
And if it got cold
I could pull in the sky

It hurts
But I'm not in pain

Anger
A stain that can't be washed away
Seeped into my skin  
And built up like callus  

It all hurts
But I'm use to the pain

I don't want to talk to you
Just please go away
Leave me alone
I have nothing else to say
As I typed
I'm done were threw
I no longer want to be with you
But somehow on the screen it says
No please stay
Your all I have
And all I need
But in my heart I feel
We're done
I'm drained an have nothing more
Like the blood has been ****** out of me
And as I type these words
Somehow they change

the other day
I visited my aunt
in the hospital

her face had become bony and sharp
she looked like suffering incarnate
with a mien you see
  etched into
on crucifixes
over the centuries

I guess that at this stage
traveling into a world
   without pain
is a desire
   strong and simple
those still anchored
   in this world
cannot understand

longing for peace and quiet
to rest your bones
   forever
closing the story of your life

and leave others
to make sense of it

           * *

I'm loosing it
My vision blurs
As it takes over.
I don't feel it.
Or do I?
Is that why my head feels on fire,
why my throat closes?
Can I turn it off?
Just take the key out of the ignition,
Flip the switch
Let it all die out
Would it fade under water?
Can I watch it disperse and let the light fade?
I want to see that last intake of suffering
See that final bubble float to the surface....

Go
Get away from here
Get away from the trap!!!
Do you here me!
Run!
Why are you staying?
Your in pain!
Stop it!
Why aren't you listening!
I told you what would happen...
Why would you come this way?
Why?!
I didn't want this for you!
Now look what I've caused...
Look at yourself...
Leave.