Only Love

It began as a love story
Crazy days with you
Crazy days of faith, love, passion

We grew so close so fast
You said we were soul mates for life
I lost my world to you
I trusted you with my deepest thoughts
Most intimate moments
My future
Our future
Bonded with Artfetch
The future of art
We would make it together
A global player
Unwavering faith
In the chorus of warnings
I battled your place with me
Bold and revolutionary
No one would take this away from us

But then you did
You took it away
Without a word
You left me in a haze
Took my breath away
Your force so strong
Chaos controlled my mind
The lie so real
My passion abused
Reckless abandonment
My faith, my love, my passion
You did not face me
You left me with nothing
My life shattered

I wonder through my Art
Profoundly
A part of my life
For the delights and hopes of life
Seeing in them memories of intimate times
Calming my fears
My sadness
Evoking as only art can do
The spirit in me to live again
I no longer care
Why
I got lost in your deceit
In your ****** up mind
Why
You hunted me down
And played me as a game
Why
You abused my passion
My life
You crushed my soul,
I sit at my desk and find my dignity
My strength
I look around and see what I nearly lost
Artfetch the mystery of my life without which
I could not carry on

No more Crazy Days living your lie
A resounding realisation
No soul in you
I continue
To live my dream
So as I sum this up
Go listen to our song
Remember in your heart
I gave you my heart and soul, my mind and body
My life
I believed in you
I am wishing for you to stay strong
Wish upon every star you see
And if its meant to be it will come true…
No more Crazy Days with You

The dogs chasing the late autumn leaves
Fluttering down the lane way
The sound of the train as it passes by
Peaceful afternoon walk
The cottage walls and porches
Flourish of colour
Enwreathed with ivy green
Bellflowers, hollyhocks, hydrangea
Scents of lavender and sage
Evoke
Memories of childhood days
Visiting grandparents cottages
One in the Irish Wicklow mountains
The other in the suburbs of Athens city
The free flowing sound of the river
Smoke billowing from chimneys
The cottages have no pretense or grandeur
Just a sanctuary of comfort in the silence of the lane
Reaching the darkest corner of the soul

It was a hot summers day
A hazy glance thought the window
I lived my life for him, with him
He was all consuming
I was finding it harder and harder to cope
I told Paul
“i can’t cope anymore with all the lies, your overwhelming intensity, your needs, the ***, i feel i am losing my life.”
“i need to try and find my feet again and my life. what do we do if we continue, it can’t continue like this.”
He said  “you will attempt suicide over me, stay with me”  “we should die rather than not be together.”

Crazy passion fast deep soul kiss warnings word breathe reckless love devastated desk art struggle pinstripe attempts drunk ghost lost wind beauty hunger soul smile elegance latte knowing containment bond ink shallow identity measure chaos stumbling darling life dance frenzy sweat hole paper haunted only dreams ****** vandalized scars Achilles proceedings bare deep still pain inside lied courts darkness wind step empty rocky soul whisper eyes alone wrapped inside Athens love smile abuse truth lies time mind  bungalow knowing liar violated Pandora’s entanglement flashbacks ****** self-preservation private suit weakness baklava hide lips ******* played deserve hold earth destruction haunted coffin judgment dreams hands eternity sleep  sunset lips hidden kissed desire champagne stars taint lovers fallen what **** PR glistening intense echoes seeing taste depth care finally beach rolling salt binding heat lost quietly resumed park come believe myself arms world you skin love stranger now

Wounds were opened
Lips were sealed
Hidden scars
Remain unhealed
Painful bruises
Once concealed
A secret taint
Will be exposed

Our private bungalow
Leading to the private beach
On the Saronic Gulf
Turquoise water
The smell of pine trees
Chilled Champagne
No one else just us
Totally alone for five days
Mesmerised by the Sunio Sunset
The vibrancy of the Plaka
Danced to the early hours
Under the Island stars
Ate Moussaka and Baklava
We talked and talked
No phones
No net
Nothing, no one just us
We held hands
Like young lovers
We shared intimacies  
Never done before
I believed your words
Your intimacy
Your need for me
Your desire
Your love
And then
In the darkness
Of our room
A Stranger
And the struggle began

I gave you my love
You took that trust
You tore me apart
Filled my head with all your lies
Abused my passion
To suit what you wanted
My life rearranged
You manipulated how I saw myself
How I saw others
You played with my feelings
You abused my anxieties
Made it hard to be with anyone else
You took my faith in life
A Stranger in the room

As the Last Dusting of Earth Covers the
Coffin
You Know
She Now Sees  
The Truth
You Know
Death is the Power
The Eternity of Truth
From Which You Can No Longer Hide

Now you realize what you did, 

you took it too far, 
this time it was to deep, 
to raw,
now its going to be hard for us both.  
I asked for your help
' Its never ending, I again want to die.
Please tell me why?
Be my Soul Mate now just talk to me
help me find my life again.
Not with you, just my life. '

I couldn't get your abuse out of my system
you repeated
"You need to do the leaving"
"Let's die rather then not be together"
I said
"Only with You".
The ongoing flashbacks
of pressurizing
demanding
me to do what you wanted
heightened in Athens.
Questioning all that happened
what did it mean
just
******* my soul and body
So abused
I couldn't disentangle from it
So violated

And you continued it
with your talk and talk.
Your lies of reflection and regret
Your abuse of my love and belief

Then my desperate wish was granted
You made contact via a third party
On reflection
to address the end, to answer my questions,
to give us some meaning, to help us move on with our lives
you cared about my life, to be honest.

the day, the place, the time, the third party all set
then you renegade last minute, no explanation, once again shut me out
without a thought for my life, you willful behavior, ongoing abuse.

So finally now I know you are a pathological liar.
I don't  give a **** about you anymore.
Its like I have woken from a nightmare
I have no more energy for you
I am not afraid of the fall out of exposing you
I will no longer protect the secret.
The legal proceedings will tell the truth
And you will have to face your demons.
I will move on with my life
which is so much bigger than yours.
I will fight on to free myself from
your abuse.
My life no longer tenuous.
This is the end of my series of poems - love and deception.
The courts will be my voice.

You talk and you talk
so many lies
It cut so deep
I guess you felt it to
I saw inside Pandora's box
then you did it
you walked away

Left without a thought
for my life
a memory I can’t hold onto
It cut so deep

And now I’m moving on
from the pain that pounded my soul
I’m starting to recover
from what you did to me
By facing the deceit
where the truth lies beneath
With extraordinary support
and understanding
The cut not so deep anymore

Knowing I have legal recourse
I can fight back
I am fighting back
Knowing I have protection
from the lies
that the truth will be told
I am regaining my life
The cut not so deep anymore

I couldn’t be around you without feeling
as if my world was crashing down.
Twice I walked away but you kept
holding onto me.
Your love dominating,
controlling, and reckless.

For us both ‘WE’ became an addiction.  
Our physical connection creating a real
emotional entanglement.  
The intimacy escalated not with your love
and respect rather with your insatiable ******
desires and deceit.
You came closer to me than anyone ever had.
To say that we were totally engaged,
consumed with each other would gravely understate
what you did not only to my body, but also to my soul.
It was a crazy love.

When your presence met mine.
I’d forgotten the meaning of peace of mind.
Self-respect had flown away,
integrity fallen by the wayside.
I didn’t know who I was with you.
I didn’t know who I was without you.
Yet, I couldn’t leave…
Even though deep in my unconscious
I knew 'WE' were wrong.
My addiction wouldn’t let me go,
your addiction wouldn't let me go.
And I stayed…
Your behavior came so close to crushing my spirit,
my will to live.
In your compulsion to protect your deception
you abandoned me,
my life hanging on by a thread, I could not sleep or eat,
I could not breathe.
It was like being in a coma that I was fighting to survive.
With intensive professional help
I was forced out of the coma.
I survived.

Now I see
I stayed, not because I loved you
I stayed because I didn’t love me.
Passion kept me bound.
Truth be told, to be totally honest
I stayed out of fear, fear of missing the passion.
But now I know I’d rather be alone… than
shackled by the anguish and drama you swore was love.
As the synapses of my brain reconnect,
the evidence of controlling emotional abuse,
of possessive manipulation, overwhelms my mind and body.
I see now I wasn’t built, wasn’t ready to understand
your type of love.
I can’t deal, can’t bear, don’t deserve,
your emotional betrayal and abuse.
I have kept your secret for you to tell.
A secret I will never betray.
Now no longer together
locked in by your silence,
perpetuating the manipulation,
forever destined in your secret,
your abuse continues.

When you step on my dreams 
There will be days like these

In the depth of the night 
I feel your hand embrace my neck 
Stroke my back 
Your loving arms secure me 
You take my hand in yours 
You whisper in my ear 
I am here with you 
I won't let you die 
I roll over 
Open my eyes 
I am alone

I want the world to know 
To know 
The empty promises you made 
I am not afraid to bare my scares 
I am heartbroken 
Not by the end of us 
Heartbroken by the deception 
Heartbroken by the illusion of the impossible 
How you lead me to believe 
With words and love 
That you were all I needed 
That I was all you wanted
Broken trust and broken faith 
Betrayed in the hardest way

I know today 
I have a rocky road to walk 
I am not afraid to tell the world 
You hurt me through and through 
I to destroyed so many trusts 
You had my soul 
I feel no shame in 
Telling all 
The rocky road ahead 
I will walk with 
My head held high 
My intellect intact 
If not my soul
My vulnerability there for all to see 
My weakness and your strength 
A vulnerability captured in destruction 
Caught up in confusion

In the depth of the night 
I feel your lips on mine 
I am wrapped in your embrace 
You whisper 
I love you 
I will catch you 
When you fall 
I open my eyes 
I am alone

When you step on my dreams 
There will be days like these

If Only
Your  self-preservation was not your Achilles heel.
Your silence the affirmation of the abuse.
If only you spoke to me
apologised and ended with the respect
that our relationship deserved.
If Only  
We might not be suffering in the
way we are.