They all want to die.
Give it time.
I **** everyone,
Around me.
If I could take back those words.
If I could take back those words.

Sitting on a bench and telling her,
What I thought was best for her.
"Leave him."

I know best for no one.

He shot himself and she,
Hoards the pills,
I gave her for relaese.
Eats them to die in her sleep.

Survives.

Just to,
Slit her wrist come wintertime.
The sun is gone too long,
You see.
The warmth reminds her of Jamie.

And she's not the only one.

My father sits on his queen bed,
Opening that wooden box,
Storing old needles.
Methamphetamine and pain killers.
Hiding in that cabin,
In the woods,
Getting high and dying.
He thinks of the bench we sat on.

When I told him to die.
I told him it didn't matter how,
Or why.
I told him it would happen,
No matter if he did,
Or didn't try.
Prison was the only way,
To save his life.

That old boyfriend,
On the wooden stairs.
Eyes wide,
Bloodshot and high.
He held that gun and cried.
He held it to his head.
I screamed,
Bang.
I screamed.
I screamed.

I screamed.

Seconds were eternity.

If I could take back those words.

I ****, I ****.
I do not save.

I do not ******.

But love me,
And you'll wish for death in other ways.
I wish for change,
It remains the same.
Those who love me,
Absorb the shame.

Dying, dying.
Slowly, everyday.

I say the wrong thing,
In perfect moments.

My failures wait for me,
In the reflection,
Every morning.

Nightmares dance
Through my mind.
Pictures, motion pictures.
Often black and white.

My voice taunts my body.
I see every imperfection,
My voice will remind me,
To look,
Before I can forget.

My breath escapes me.
There is no room for air,
In,
Me.
I cannot inhale.

I cannot inhale.

Just a stroll along the moonlit river,
A train's bridge,
Far above the little town.
She talks of new horizons, so familiar.
"All of the open space,
You can see the horizon from here."

A long distance, and short time ago,
She saw no horizons,
She explained to him.

No opened glittering sky.
Smog and dust and steel mountains,
In the way of clarity.

True love trespassed on a train's bridge.

He falls through the nightly routine.
A hard day of work,
It's been a rough week.

They climb into bed,
Slide in between the sheets.
The lights are out.
"Come snuggle with me."

They fold over one another,
Pieces in a perfect puzzle.

She sleeps along side him,
Or so he believes.
He holds her,
In the dark silence.
And pushes the stray hair,
From the frame of her face.
This is what it feels like,
To be cared for.

And every worry,
Embedded in her bones,
Melts away, in one sensation.

In this perfect moment of peace,
She feels complete.

He holds on, and emotions run deep.

Even when,
Neither one has said anything.

There was a day when I hated myself,
I hated my life and what my failure represented.
But you woke me up.
You pushed me everyday to love myself.
And still the things I hate,
You find a way to love.
You picked me up.
You made me weightless in the sun.
I had no choice and I couldn't resist,
I had to open up.
You brought this light into my vision,
Convincing me to make my dreams happen,
Concentrate that will to hate,
And make it work for me.
I can never fail to death,
With you to catch me.
I lived a life that made me scared of,
Nothing.
But for whatever reason,
Meeting you was terrifying.
Trusting you was petrifying.
You held my hand while I faced the fear,
You kept patience and maintained a pace.
You didn't throw it back at me,
Or rub it in my face,
Like a ***** who couldn't keep it together.
You saw that big-girl fight in me,
You held onto her and made her free.
You brought her back to me.
There is nothing I could do to repay you,
For saving me.
But I will love you everyday,
And I will fight like hell so YOU can see the day,
Where every one of your dreams,
Become our reality.
Baby, I'm not going anywhere.
We're a team,
Watch the doors,
I'll man the windows,
And lets **** any ******,
Who tries to infiltrate.

Hot water showers over my skin.
Desire burning through our flesh.
Lost in the plastic curtains,
My arms drape over his shoulders,
Steadying myself upright with his,
Bones to lean into.
One foot steadied by the ledge of this,
Claw tub.
His fingers are lost in the lips,
Around my ****.
All I have to do is remember,
To breathe easy.

Pressure building within.

Skin burning red from,
Either the rush from under our skin,
Or the steady stream of boiling water.
Minds racing like rush hour.
Steam clouds the mirror,
Two shadows dance behind the curtains.
******.
******.
******.

His words encourage but,
I do not hear him behind,
The blood pounding in my ears.
I do not have the will,
To stand alone.

He holds me in perfect place.
Leaning into him,
I give it all in.
My body bursts wide open.
I can't feel my body hold him.
I am in suspension.

Fingers running up and down the walls.
Layers of dirt and crusted blood,
Build up in my fingernails.
These hands are not so frail.
Open sores and little motivation.
Climbing out from the bottom of this hole,
Gave bruises and cuts.
But I'm never going to give up.

And so the efforts may bring on weakness,
So tired.
But I look up to see the sunshine.
I see the inches bring me closer to,
The open air.
I chose to hold my head up.
Because if I look down,
If I look down to see the bottom,
I made into a home,
I'll forget to find the light.
I'll forget to fight for daylight.

Those hands,
Bring my waist to his,
Those hands,
Trail and fall along my back.
Gripping my ***,
Hands full as he lifts my body,
I am weightless,
In his kiss.
No feet on the ground,
I'm his.

Together on that battered love seat,
Our legs entwined.
We laugh as the hours,
Trail behind.
He plays with my hair,
Takes my hand,
And watches me.
Oddly aware of every move I make,
Blushing.
"What, baby?"
I ask but I know,
He's thinking of me.
He smiles almost,
Boyishly.

The day fades to night.

"As much as I don't want to,"
He begins.
I know it's time for this,
To end.
I gather my scattered clothes,
From the floor of every room,
In his apartment.

Smiling at the memories,
In every corner.
He makes me feel like I can finally get,
My **** in order.

The words form along our lips,
Mine twist.
Stuck and jumbled.
I take a deep breath,
But my voice still fumbles.

You mean to say,
That you actually give a ****?
What is this?

"Tell me what you need to say."

Like the words in this poem,
I wish the words I have for you,
Would free flow and,
Exist without hesitation.

I trained myself,
To carefully select,
The words I choose,
In conversation,
Afraid of his reaction.

But these words are for you,
I don't mean to confuse.
I only want to love,
And be loved,
By you.

I'm angry,
Because I feel old to you.
No novelty,
No desire to try and pursue.
Did you forget about me?
When's the last time that you,
Swept me off my feet,
And remembered to set aside a moment,
To feel complete with me?
Past the point of understanding,
I don't want this for my future.
Life unravels and people change,
But you went from extremes rather quickly.
You are not the same as you were,
In the summertime.
You felt my skin on yours,
I let your hands explore.
You put your lips on the fabric of time,
I felt it quiver with you.
But maybe that was all I am?
An escape from the busy,
And never,
Substantial or real.
You say you love and then remind me I'm not yours,
With the lies you repeat to all the world.
Nothing serious.

Stupid ******* girl.

It's too soon for you,
To look past me the way you do.
The walls around my heart are being reconstructed.
I loved too soon and that's my fault for trusting.

But I'm not going anywhere, alright?
Not until you force me out of your life.
As of now your arms are not that open..
So I'll stay at home and hope that I'm not broken.