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Classified Mar 2014
Everyone
Has that one habit
Or method
To cope
And deal with the
Pains
And horrors of life.

Some try drown their demons in alcohol
Others try to bleed them dry with a blade
A few turn to flight from a drug  to flee their inner monsters
And some even run and hide.

I have gone through stages.  
First thoughts
Then actions.
I started with the idea.
And I grew weaker.
Eventually, I didn't think
I just cut.
If I felt
I cut.
To numb the pain of feeling
And to turn my emotional trauma into physical pain.
If I didn't feel
I cut.
To take away that numbness
And to make me feel, so I knew I was alive.

Now that my best friend- my chosen blade- has abandoned me
Just like everyone else
Because everyone leaves
I run
And I swim
And I hide away in my own body armor- my shell.
To get away from this hell
And I dedicate my time to try help others
But I've been getting weaker
And weaker
My mind has become bleaker
And I am tempted.

I am not fine
And that makes it harder for me to help others.
I cannot help others as effectively when there is no one to help me.
But I don't need help.
I will dedicate my last breath to making You happy. I swear on my pathetic life
I  will  **be what you deserve.
I don't know. Stupidness.  It's morning, I'm over thinking, didn't sleep well, so, vent or something? I'm not sure.  
I just haven't written about SH for a while...
Classified Mar 2014
Once upon a time
Twice upon a memory
Thrice upon a wish

I wanted a destiny that was intwines with yours
But alas, I hardly know you.

You enchanted me
Bewitched my mind
And spelled my affections

There is one word I shan't ever utter
But if you're my knight in shining armor
And I am more than just a step for you to climb
Then maybe I will change fate to spend the rest of my life with you.

I will creat my own destiny.
But I am doomed to failure

I may try my best
And find motivation
But my will power and hope are inconsequential compared to my omnipotent and everlasting sin.
Random ******* that I wrote because feeling upset. Title inspired by someone else's poem and bmth reference. Sorry for the production of ******* thoughts
Classified Mar 2014
Everyone has a book. It's their life, figuratively. Etched onto the pages of a book. But you write it as you go. In the choices you make. The things you do, say. Who you love, who loves you.
And yes, others will feature in your book. Some will put the pen back in your hand when you feel you can no longer write.

Some will be able to read your story by the look on your face, what you show by the way you act, what you say.
Others won't.
Or maybe that's you.
Maybe some of us write in invisible ink or in a language others can't understand.

You can't just erase some of the words or tear out the pages you no longer like.

Don't let someone else take over your job as Author. Don't let anyone take the pen away for you. And don't let others try control your narrative by deciding who or what can feature in your masterpiece.


In life, you'll find an actual book, or someone's story that you will fall in love with. A book that will become your bible. But make sure it's a hard copy, a hard cover, not the pages of someone's life, kissed with their story.

I know you fell in love with my story, or lack thereof. The way you couldn't decipher it, or even see the words at first.
You like the mystery, the suspense. The way you never knew what was coming next.
You fell in love with the subject matter
Genre
Writing style.
But not the author.
Never me.

I just wonder if this is the end of a chapter, or of my entire book. Because yes, you are a part of my story.
Sorry, weird analogies and comparisons. But whatever, I'm no poet-Just a 'beautiful', fu*cked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional, insecure mess- sorry to disappoint.
Classified Mar 2014
Three words that broke my heart.
I chose you

You made me the happiest I had been that day.
But those three words tore me down, lower than I have been in a long while.

It was never your intention and I hope I made you happy.

I will try better next time. And in the future. I swear on my worthless life.

You deserve so. much. better...
I chose you

Three. little. sweet. words.
From. such. a. sweet. man.


There are words that will forever go unspoken from my lips, unless they are to meet with yours.

And I know in my cold, filthy heart that you deserve far much more than whatever I can even attempt to offer you.
However.
I will try my hardest to be everything You deserve.
I will try my best to be
pretty
And kind.
happy and
open.
I will try to make you happy, and to be your savior. You are not broken, but I wish to help you build yourself higher, and make you see yourself as highly as I see you.

But for your sake, I do hope you are not my knight in shining armour.
For your sake.

For your sake, I wish you never chose me.
"Monday... Feeling knightly"
Classified Mar 2014
" Sometime " isn't Sometimes. It's not occasionally. It is the future.

Just because Sometime is a variable you haven't figured out yet, does not mean there isn't an answer.

It's like solving for x , like mathematics- something You're good at- just because you don't know the answer when reading the question , but there is always an answer, a solution.

There may be a solution, an answer , to this equation that I am now a part of. But I hope that, despite what I lack in the department of math, I thoroughly hope you see me as your equal, and that I will not become just an ex.

You said you hadn't figured it out yet, but you're smart and I trust you.


"Yes" is just a word, an answer.
Not a promise, an agreement.

" Sometime ", however is a promise.  
A promise for the future. And I will hold you to it.
A crowded mind and heavy heart makes for a cluttered page and anchored thoughts.
Classified Mar 2014
I haven't written in a while
Because I've been kidding myself that I'm okay.
But the truth is
I only feel when I am about to decay.

I write becuse it makes sense
When my thoughts do not.
But when I cover it up
I do too well.
I actually believe it.
But then I'm worse when I break, because I actually believed I had fixed a part of myself.

My biggest problem though, is fixing a part of me with you. Because then I break so much more when something goes wrong.

And I break
Crumble
Shatter.

And it's worse because its not just You. It's Him. And Them.
And nothing is going right right now
So I write.
Because I can't cry.
Because I refuse to be that weak.
I refuse to be who I was. Yet I won't let her go.

But right now
I'm broken
And bruised
And scarred
In pieces
Alone.
Rambling of a pretty messed up freak.
Classified Mar 2014
We want to be noticed.
We want to be more than just a name  Or a face.
Or a label  Or a race.
We do t want to be just a stereotype,
A generalization.
We want to be known as more than African, Greek or Taiwanese.

We want to be noticed.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
I am me.
I am some of the best and worst parts if an African. Of a person.
Of a daughter, sister, friend.
But I am me.

We all want to die a heroes death,
To be remembered,
Go down fighting, like so many of the people that shaped our country to make it what it is today.
But do you think they all put themselves in harms way to be famous after they died?
Do you believe Nelson Mandela fought for freedom so he could get a stature of himself?
Or places named after him?
Or to get his face on our money?

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
But I am content to live a life that will not make it into the newspaper , or history books.

I am content to live and die as a person I want to be.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African. But I am honored to feature in others lives.
I want to be noticed for being a person I am proud of, not ashamed of.
And not only and African, but an **individual
Speech I wrote for English. Topic: I am ashamed to be an African or I am proud to be an African.

The quote used in the title is credited to John Green. Taken from " The Fault In Our Stars".
I take no credit for the quote, nor the book.

Thank you for reading.
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