I truly want this deep within my soul
but each time I get close
I turn and run

my fingers tremble
inches from the goal
this is the closest I have ever come

we rush
we run
we jump
we play
we say we are not animals

and how will we
describe ourselves?
if not animals
then what else?

they cry
they laugh
they sing
they dream
are we as different as we seem?

do they have words
to call themselves
not animals but
something else?

what is my aim
what is my task
I don't even know
what questions to ask

this is no clear matter
open-and-shut
before I know how
I need to know what

it was all for you
now that my heart is empty
who will it be for?

I am full of rage
I shake my mind awake

rattle it
like a cage

my footsteps are like iron
on the ground

all around
my thoughts are a prison

burn it down

every day I try to act
like I could let you go

it is tricky to retract
what you already know

I think you have seen through me
and into something real

I love you

but I'll never really tell you
how I feel

There is always something
At the center of my mind
The longer it remains there
The more deeply it's entwined
It reaches out, connects to
All my neurons one by one
Until the thought of it
Lights my whole mind up like the Sun

apple tree
glimmering white as the Sun
shimmering with hope

I will never tell a soul
I want it to come true

every dandelion
every star

I wish for you

I wish that you would speak to me
I miss you every day
I want to listen to your words
no matter what you say

I'd stand by you
no matter what you do
or how you live

your silence is the only thing
that I cannot forgive

what are the odds?
just a number
between 0 and 1

how many versions of the Universe
contain our Sun?

how many where the world has oceans?
where humans have legs?

I am here
but my mother had so many other eggs

there would be no America
if there had been no Britain

what are the odds
that we can read
that our language was written?

sometimes it makes me wonder
and sometimes it make me shiver

what is life
outside our slice
our tiny little sliver?

ever multiplying
exponential beyond knowing

reality the fractal
like a tree
forever growing

one in infinity
so astronomically small

what are the odds of any of this
happening at all?

I never set
the monster free
it is still hidden
deep within
covered over in silence
thin ice on the sea
show a cold silhouette
Leviathan

I think about you all the time
it's messing with my head
I wish that I
would rather think
of something else instead

and I can't stop this train of thought
no matter what I do
but I don't want to write
another poem
about you

no sunlight falls
on this path I have chosen
my heart is not broken at all
it is frozen

I wander the darkness
in search of your light
you are the shadow
and I am the night

I love and I hate you
with all of my heart
and when I think about you
I am torn apart

once more at the crossroads
the lines seem to vanish
but it doesn't matter
all roads lead to madness

It is to say that people are
No more than pawns in some great war
An easy way to instantly
Create a world of enemies

you are like a glowing coal
you cannot hurt me
on your own

I am the one
who burns my soul
by choosing not to let you

< go >

There must be thousands of stories
About people who ride dragons
I think I know why

The dragon represents
The deepest darkest part
Of the mind

If you are clever
If you are patient
If you are kind

You can ride the dragon
All the way
Into the sky

I am just like everybody
I will also fall

to find my way around that
I'd do anything at all

including telling this big lie
if only to myself

"I am different than the others"

just like everybody else

if you think you're the smartest one
it's easier to be outsmarted

you go East for long enough
you'll end up West of where you started

some believe to be extreme
is what makes their position clear

but every single line we draw
is on the surface of a sphere

I don't need comparison to categorize me with clarity
a singularity not predicated on duality
I don't need anybody to validate my identity
when my identity is validated by reality

We understand stars
And wonder at dust

It learned how to laugh
To lie and to lust

It knows how to deify
Knows how to trust

How great must a mind be
To understand us

I'm not thinking about you

I don't know my soul
I don't give a ****
I'd rather be happy
than know who I am

every autumn
the same tree
changes shades
different leaves

tick tick tock
like a clock
each leaf falls
only once

one by one
every year
watch each leaf
disappear

and wait here
silently
different winter
the same tree

my hope is not in you
it is in me
my strength is not a well
it is the sea

I see you in my shadow
in twisted memories
in certain ways
you are so
familiar to me

but still I find
myself surprised
by what you say
and do

I see your whole soul through your eyes
but
who the **** are you?

no one can unlock my heart
at least nobody else but me
it's been so long
I don't even remember
where I hid the key

the lock is there
because of fear
but I don't know of whom or what
it must be something
much more frightening
than these one thousand cuts

this is my sanctuary
YOU cannot come in
I want to be alone
so I can be safe

I slam the door shut
in your FACE

strange shapes                          

shift past
                
                               stained glass

who is outside?
I become curious to know
I try to open the door

I am not strong enough

the door stays closed

deep down
you are the reason for
so many things I do

I just want to be beautiful
so beautiful
for you

one day
maybe I'll meet someone
who thinks I am enough

now that would be
so beautiful
to be so truly loved

I don't know if I will be wealthy or broke

if I will be with someone else or alone

but I can look into the future and say

one day I will look back and envy today


tomorrow there's no telling where I will be

and that's how I know that I owe it to me

to sometimes be still

take a moment to feel

and take it all in from the top of the wheel

.                  black and white                            I am twilight                  
    and night and day                            I am grey          



  ?



  heaven and hell                       shells within shells
                   earth and sky                                who am I?                       .

Would you be so
surprised to find
what I am hiding
in my mind

or would that light
shine through to show
that same shadow
on your own soul?

who do I trust?
my inner voice?
what happens if I make that choice?

who do I trust?
are you my friend?
sometimes it's easy to pretend

who do I trust
to keep me safe?
one step from a knife in my face

who do I trust?
the government?
to what extent could I dissent?

I look around
and so many things are fake
that model has three hands
AI mistake

that model is a human
but I can't untangle
the lighting the filters the fillers
the edits the angles

they want me to compare
myself to that
to buy their diet pills
cause I think I'm fat

they want me to be
ashamed of myself
to not feel beautiful
without their help

while the algorithm
chases fame and youth
all along we're being told
different versions of the truth

and it makes us angrier
but also tamer
bouncing off the edges
of the echo chamber

performing to reflect
this invisible cage
we learn to conform
while they harvest our rage

and create a safe space
for the powers that be
the hands can't hit
what the eyes can't see

and the pied piper sings
such a catchy song
but my inner voice
says something is wrong

even as I learn to sing along
even as I use it to distract me from my problems

and the algorithm
has seen my soul
and it brings me things
that I want to know

to show me the stars
in a handful of dust

to show me something I can trust

I am the dragon
I am the bear
I am the hunter
I am the hare

I am the phoenix
I am the Pharaoh
I am the compass
I am the arrow

I am the mountain
I am the scorpion
I am the river
I am Leviathan

I am the Sun
I am the night
I am illusion
I am the sky

words are not weapons
but edgeless abstractions
if you take their words
they will speak with their actions

words are just words
that's all she wrote
if you take their words
they will speak with their vote

I want to be loved
really truly
for me

If you love me for something else
what does that mean?

Do you love the illusion
you are thinking of?
That is not who I am.

Who do you love?

if this is a message
then what does it say?

nobody seems to have answers today
nobody knows who to turn to or trust

if this is a message
who sent it to us?

I am an enigma
that's what they all say
they read it correctly
I wrote it that way

some people don't want
to be figured out
weaving walls like vague waves
a labyrinth of doubt

every once in a while
you say something to me
that shows you may have seen
what not everyone sees

and I'm still a little
surprised at it all
that you of all people
have seen through my walls

causality is not a chain
it cannot be predicted
it cannot be quarantined, contained
it branches like a tree

entangled all together
we are raindrops in the delta
never knowing whether this river
will ever reach the sea

I look through other people's eyes
it feels like I'm watching TV
until they look at me

instinctively
I freeze

reflected in

from the outside
upside down empathy

as darkness falls upon the Sun
the day is upside down

the Hunter holds the halo
in his right hand
like a crown


a ring of fire

hidden in the light

a shadow sign


draws down the night
into the sky
so darker stars may shine

I thought
this thought
how many times
how much I want you
to be mine

how is it now
that in its place
how much I want you
to be safe

I wanted you
I didn't care
if it was right
or good or fair

but times have changed
I can't pretend
how much I want
to be your friend

hate
reject
don't know

   I             ?           U  

understand
want
love

nothing is certain
there's fear in the water

the city has no face
a tabula rasa

nothing but questions
how can we cope?

through all this madness
do you dare to hope?

why did I show you
how I feel
I should have tried
to hide it

why did I try
to speak to you
I should have kept
my silence

my tears
will not stop falling
and I don't know
what to do

I wish that I
had never said
a single word
to you