caught in the middle
of an epic battle

one soul
but I cast two shadows

one wants pleasure
the other pain

feathered wings
and an iron chain

one tells me
to take and take

one tortures me
until I break

one tells me
I can't get enough

one tells me
I am not enough

I do not know
which one is wronger

they only make
each other stronger

and I see
my true soul under

shadows falling
on each other

so much rage
and where does it go?

I hope I am aware
enough to know

I split it into pieces
like a prism

and then I sublimate it
like an exorcism

I do my war dance
and sing angry songs

my rage is not alone
if I sing along

I play like a warlord
and yell at the game

I get my revenge
and I give them the blame

always trying to pull
this venom from me

the dangerous monster
I'm afraid to be

the dangerous person
that I am
underneath

this soft façade
that hides my teeth

defenselessness
that I pretend

afraid I will
offend my friends

afraid to hurt
afraid of pain

afraid of my own face
that's all the rage

maybe every writer wonders
what the reader reads

it's a window into me
but what do people see?

did I write it like I thought it?
did you read it like I said?

can you feel the rhythm
even when you read it in your head?

do you read it like a rap?
do you read it like a book?

do you sing it like a song?
do you only look?

do you hear it in your head?
is it someone else's voice?

Julie Andrews?
Morgan Freeman?
really it's your choice

do you think in pictures?
do you think in sound?

if there's no one around
do you read it out loud?

do you read it only once
or maybe two or three times?

do you analyze the meaning?
do you focus on the rhyme?

and I'm sure that you know I'm
overthinking like I always do

you saw my soul
so I try to stare back into you

and understand how much of me
you could have understood

I would read your mind
if I only could

my needs are just too much
IF I NEED IT THEN I TAKE IT

I try to hide my needs
**** ANYONE WHO SAYS TO FAKE IT

I hide behind my walls
I DON'T HIDE, I'M NOT A COWARD

and save my energy
I HAVE COURAGE, I HAVE POWER

I wear a mask for everyone
I WANT TO BE SEEN

to hide what's different about me
I AM PROUD TO BE OBSCENE

I think that this would be too much for them
ARE THEY SO ******* HELPLESS

you're selfish for revealing
I DON'T CARE IF I AM SELFISH

this is why you are dangerous
I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOU

you are why they rejected me
BUT I DID NOT REJECT YOU

you are the face I cannot show
CANNOT OR ARE AFRAID TO?

you are made of my darkness
I AM THE DARKNESS THAT MADE YOU

I am afraid to look at you
LOOK ME IN THE EYE

I'm afraid that you are bad
I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE THE BAD GUY

I have to keep you locked away
ADMIT THAT ISN'T TRUE

this wasn't meant to be a dialogue
ADMIT THAT I AM YOU

always looking
from the outside

all alone
rejected
wrong

I keep people
at a distance

all alone
where I belong

I chase time
into the darkness

all alone
unknown
unsure

there where my
shadow surrounds me

not alone
not anymore

today when I was with my friends
I was kind of
unkind to them

I know I didn't mean to be
I did it all unconsciously

I was too harsh
too critical

too negative and cynical

it was an echo of the way
I'd criticized myself all day

that's more than a coincidence
that seems more like
cause and effect

I think
the way I treat myself
becomes
how I treat someone else

that felt like an epiphany
though it had long been clear to me

that how I am treated informs
the way that I treat
everyone

it's crazy that it felt so new
to realize

I'm a person too

and that when I
am cruel to me

it just inspires more cruelty

why should I set myself apart?
if my compassion is complete

then I should treat myself
in the same way
that people should be treated

some say
the opposite of hope is
fear

but I think
the opposite of hope is
despair

hope and fear
are connected
a bird with two wings

but despair is what's left
after hope flies away