argue with myself
because I want more
and I got more
and still want it

what's the point of that?
control myself
until I run out of logic

look outside myself
my vices line up to tempt me

in my mind I know I've had enough
but I'm hungry
not hungry

empty

I am made of nothing
and the nothing I am made of is
empty

empty as the sky
empty as the light

I am empty

god has no mind
god rolls dice
no one knows me
no one sent me

and the light shines right through me
and it shows me
I am empty

last night I had a dream

there was a trilobite
in the green grass

I saw myself
from atop a cliff

running through the forest
in a velvet dress

the me that was
up on the cliff

had an old fashioned camera
in my hand

I tried to take a picture
of myself

but the me in the forest
was just too fast

this whole **** thing
is all ****** up

I don't know how to help this

I don't

I don't know how to help
It makes me feel so helpless

if I involve myself in this
no matter if I'm selfless

I could just **** the whole thing up
so trying would be selfish

or is it selfish not to try
because I might **** up?

is it better to try and fail
trust blindly in dumb luck?

****

if I just knew more stuff
knew who to trust
if I knew

iF I JusT

**** that. I cannot.

I give up

****** up
no matter what

it's so hard
to believe

that anyone
could ever see me

the real me

and still want to
be near me

and still love me
and not fear me

and want to
stay with me

I am with you

but a part of me
is far away

inside my mind

frightened
hiding from the light

crawling through
this labyrinth

I built

to imprison my shadow

claws mark all the walls
some etched so deep

I can read by the light

too bright to find out
what's outside

the sky
or is it fire?

is my desire
too powerful to hold?

unmade

afraid to be made whole

I set limits
because I must
it isn't just a test
oh but
trust and believe
it is a test
you fail the test
you lose my trust

sometimes I tell myself to do
a chore
or something else that bores me
a routine command
maybe a task that I don't understand

and I imagine
in my head
a chain of thoughts in quick succession
starting with the ideation
moving forward
ending with


the bridge is out


and I try to push the thought
across to where it turns into
the impulse to reach out my hand
and do the thing I know that I should do
and I decided to
so why can't I just
why can't I just
why can't I just
WHY CAN'T I JUST

no

the bridge is out


sometimes I find ways around it
sneak through my mind
like a ninja
hack my brain into some kind of
twisted Rube Goldberg contraption
or I wait until the deadline
till I'm under so much pressure
I can fly across that bridge
on wings of pure adrenaline

and I look around in wonder
at all that I have accomplished
and I wonder
what would it be like
to always have this gift?

when I think about
how successful I could be
not just a better employee

a better friend
a better daughter
a better sister

I can see a better me
beyond
the emptiness that comes between
what holds me back
and who I want to be

I reach out
I am close enough to see


the bridge is out

I try so hard
but it's not enough

I don't know how to do anything right

I'm afraid to admit
how hard I try

I'm ashamed
I can't do it
all by myself

I'm afraid to tell you
that I failed

when someone else
would have done so well

I'm afraid to rely
on someone else

I'm afraid to tell you
that I need help