all the rage I could engage
has never made me strong

and all the shame at being strange
has not made me belong

all my fear of bombardiers
has not resolved their quarrels

and all the guilt that I have felt
has not made me more moral

what was the point of all that pain?
it didn't fix a thing

I can't take back the past
but now I can take back the reins

time to stop spiraling
self sabotaging
second guessing

after years of cruel punishment
I've finally learned my lesson

I wish I knew
how to deal with it all

the pain and confusion
behind all my walls

echoes on echoes
of unburied guilt

rewinding my mind
to the heart
to the hilt

crushing my soul
deeper than any nerve

a torment I still tell myself
I deserve

I see the truth
through a kaleidoscope

I'll refract it all back
I will not give up hope

I've fallen out of love
and now I don't have much to say
I think a little writer's block
is better than that pain

the pareidolia transforms
into another pattern
and signs that used to point to you
now do not seem to matter

though this is not to say
it's always so easy to cope
I really feel the cold
without the false heat of false hope

but now my eyes are open
to the way I truly feel
and I can put my hope into
a search for something real

.                 boring                                               organized         .
  ******                                               elegant
     rude                                              funny
capriciou­s                                           exciting
  slutty                                        ****
  d­angerous                                    powerful
           fascist      Χ               6     obedient  
  scary     Ξ         6     cool
  wild     Σ  6    alive
  in truth we are
    human as you
    our demons are
    our   angels   too

how long
until I pull myself together
and rise up

how many years
until I realize

I deserve the same respect
the same compassion

as any other being
on the face of the Earth

all I need to do
is open my hand

how long will it take
to find the strength
to do that

no one has my heart
no one colors my art
no one lights up my soul
like a million stars

no one knows me like that
no one loves me that way
when I get in my head
no one knows what to say

no one sees me clear
and still holds me dear
I reach out in darkness
no one is here

no one seems to me
the way the one should be
truthfully
maybe no one
is the one for me

what is courage?
I know how it feels:
like my spine is made of steel
is it a tool of the mind
or fire that comes down from the sky?
or that determined voice inside:
"I will not let the fear decide"
maybe I will never know
but I feel courage in my soul