always looking
from the outside

all alone
rejected
wrong

I keep people
at a distance

all alone
where I belong

I chase time
into the darkness

all alone
unknown
unsure

there where my
shadow surrounds me

not alone
not anymore

today when I was with my friends
I was kind of
unkind to them

I know I didn't mean to be
I did it all unconsciously

I was too harsh
too critical

too negative and cynical

it was an echo of the way
I'd criticized myself all day

that's more than a coincidence
that seems more like
cause and effect

I think
the way I treat myself
becomes
how I treat someone else

that felt like an epiphany
though it had long been clear to me

that how I am treated informs
the way that I treat
everyone

it's crazy that it felt so new
to realize

I'm a person too

and that when I
am cruel to me

it just inspires more cruelty

why should I set myself apart?
if my compassion is complete

then I should treat myself
in the same way
that people should be treated

some say
the opposite of hope is
fear

but I think
the opposite of hope is
despair

hope and fear
are connected
a bird with two wings

but despair is what's left
after hope flies away

I've been masking for so long
that I forget
that's what I'm doing

sometimes I can play a role

but mostly I just mask as
'human'

I pretend that I am swimming
no one wants to see me drowning

no one wants to hear about
how hard it is to be around them

I find out what they can handle
of my real identity

show that much personality
so masking takes less energy

but sometimes I still find me hoping
I could lay my soul wide open

maybe you can be the place
where it is safe to have a face

I try too hard to hide the way
I struggle with this every day

they cannot see
what holds me back
because these walls
are made of glass

they think that I
am holding back

I try to use my logic
to put their anger into perspective

but sometimes I can't

I'm sorry I am not enough

sometimes I try to explain
the ways I try
that they can't see

I try
but I find out which friends
pretend they can feel empathy

sometimes that's been a shock for me

but maybe I know how they feel
I pretend that I can do
the things people expect me to

is that the way it feels for you?
is that the reason you pretend?

do you try to feel empathy?
are you ashamed because you can't?

if that's not something you can do
then I should not expect you to

I've seen what you're capable of

I'm sorry it was not enough

sometimes when I am under stress
it's not enough to do my best

and I distract myself from that
act like I can take back that fact

in fact I undermine my efforts
just to make myself feel better

always around people
because I can't feel when we're together

I'm out late
I'm with my friends

I'm tired of them
but I pretend

it's better than what's in my head
I burn the candle at both ends

I burn myself with limerence
and my mindlessness shines in a
bright line of afterimages

dead echoes of this emptiness

every day I judge myself
too this, too that
not good enough

but I know
I am not impartial
I'm not qualified to judge

but if not me, then who?
since I'm the only one that I can't lie to
if I'm honest
that is just another layer of denial

and who gave me this idea
that I should be judged by people?
people judging people
people who invented good and evil

or is that older than us?
animals know who they love
I think they understand blame
I think they understand shame

we give it more than a name
we give it so much power
sometimes we give it everything
and we are given
in exchange

someone to name
someone to blame
someone to hurt
someone to shame

an echo chamber full of hate
a broken mirror in a frame

I guess I am afraid
that if I treat myself
with more respect
the mob will turn on me
with one voice

"HOW DARE YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF?"

as if they care about me
right?
they must have bigger fish to fry
some people set the world on fire
some people commit genocide

so what would really happen
if one day I just stopped judging me
telling me I'm too this, too that, not good enough
and let me be

and build a real alliance with myself
built on trust
built on love

don't need to be
better than me

good enough is good enough