nothing is isolated
everything is symmetry

every particle is a wave
of probability

every leaf is the tree
every drop of water is the sea

to exist is to be

inextricably
interwoven
into everything

intricately
intimately

entangled

existence
everything
is the expression
of the essence
of what is
is it transcendent?
no one knows
we know
it is what is

and it is within
everything
in all of its expressions
not one aspect
not one fragment
not one fraction
the whole fractal

light and shadow

time and energy
and all their interactions
every action
is a fraction
of a causal chain
of infinite reactions

everything that we
look forward to
and back on
and react to
is all stacked up
like the turtles
the world stands on the back of

and in the space
between the vectors
there's a shape
there's a shadow
there's a force
there's a field
there's a push
there's a pull
there's a presence

there's a pattern
in the echoes
of the echoes
of the echoes

every echo
is another event
to reflect on

and the essence
of that presence
is reflected
into everything
in synergy
with the heavens
waves in the energy
woven together

and the void
and the silence
and the senselessness
and the violence
are no less
an expression
of that essence

is it OK to want that?

I ask myself that much too much

desires I'm afraid to touch

I keep them at a distance

I lock them up

with chains of fear

I cannot look at that

not here

not now

not I

that is not me

I look away

I cannot see

I cannot be

this person that I fear and hate

I can't relate

to all the parts of me

that I dissociate from

hide away from

all the things I should not be

that make me feel

afraid of me

I cast away

but where I turn

away from me

I cast my shadow

do you ever wonder if you will
remember this

will this moment live on in you
when you reminisce

all the anger of today
how long will you stay ******

and the one you love today
will you still want to kiss

I look back
some days are blank
what did I live them for

why did I turn my head away
how much did I ignore

if you ask me what I did
a year ago
last September

there is nothing that stands out
was there nothing to remember?

or maybe I have memories
but don't remember when

it becomes a part of me
and all the edges blend

all a seamless tapestry
of memory in my head

woven into me so smoothly
that I can't see the threads

or sometimes
I live the same day again and again

I can't place the memory
because there is no 'when'

sometimes I don't record the memory
why should I even bother

when life is a sentence
I write over and over

or sometimes I don't remember
because I was distracted

caught up in my thoughts again
instead of interacting

hiding away in my head
because I belong here

blocking out the world
like a ******* zombie

sometimes I am a coward
living in chains

I turn my head away
because I am ashamed

I don't care to remember
who I was
who I am

but I'm in every single memory
that I have

and I can't go back
and be someone else

but I can find a better way
of interacting with myself

even if I'm not the person that I want to be
yet

I can learn to forgive
instead of forget

turn away from the screen
instead of from life

be present
be in this moment
be alive

today
tomorrow
this September

it's time to live a life
that I am going to remember

one who steps
between

me
and
someone I protect

will find

I am a monster

yes

I am a monster
who learned to be kind

I am savage
underneath

I am and I will always be

so please step back
be safe

and pray
you never meet

that side of me

hope is a flower
not bloomed yet
the tenderest part
of the plant

vulnerable
I tremble
quiver
every heartbeat
makes me shiver

every whisper
dewdrop
river

fills the maelstrom
in my head

the day is new
the storm is past
reach out my hand
in hope
again

another poem about fear

to write it all out
helps me cope

I've felt like that a lot this year

and when I talk about it
people tell me I should just let go

but I can't

and I hold my terror close
almost as if it were
a shield

against this storm

that is made
of my words

the stories that I tell myself

not of the things that are
but of the things that could

I tell myself that it's for my own good

that I could only cope
with what might come my way
if I could somehow know

it all

like in a crystal ball
what all lies down the road

where will the sparrows fall
what place is safe to go
where can I grow

where can I go
where I belong
so I don't have to stand alone

and I know
my fear is the storm

and I know

I could let go of it all

if I could only dare
to let go of that hope