I'm at the borderline
Between suicide and anger
Rage fills my veins
Until pain displaces hate
With fate sometimes interlaced

The confines of closed doors
And shattered dreams
Bringing memories and stinging lies
Behind my eyes
Before I sleep

Thoughts are cheap
And each preaching adamant to proclaim
That nothing can tame the victim
Or hero placed inside my shame

Can't maintain
In fact I'm barely surviving
I used to have epiphanies
But now there's only whisperings
Of how I'm dying

I said it out loud
So there would be no shroud
No elusive vestige's veneer
Leaving fingerprints and clouds
No shadow of a doubt
That isn't allowed
And I'm certain the only time to say it
Was right now

No intricacies or implicit notions
Only acting in time
And staying in motion
While we'd been singing all night
Of a hearts devotion
An ocean flooded through me
Like I had drained a potion

I couldn't wait to retrace footsteps
Once you come back
Even though in person
Would have been using more tact
Even more there was
An irrepressible desire to state a fact

So even though
It may not be the right time or place
I'd rather let you in now
Than wait to see your face
I don't need an answer
Just take my words and don't recede

I'll be patiently waiting
Until you find your reprieve
It may have been ill conceived
But it's what I know
And choose to believe

When I brush my teeth
I wish I could rip all of them out
Reach down my throat
And drown my stomach in Listerine
to exhale and feel cold air
rolling around my mouth

When I shower
I wish the water would devour my skin
To peel it away like acid rain
So that I could be blissfully naked
And clean once again

I imagine being able
To jump out of my bones
Like a fish swimming upstream
Against the winding current
Knowing it's headed home

Because even while devising lines
Of adjectives strewn together
I vividly imagine tearing fragments
of my hair to be born again
In a plume of Phoenix feathers

If I could crack my neck
and set forth a cleansing vapor trail
My backpedaling steps would vanish
In the path forward left unveiled

If I could step outside the line
of attempted perfection
Maybe I could change my perception
And face my reflection

But the problem is
I've learned to love this Monster
Through our constant battles
So even when I'm seeing clearly
I feel him near me
Sleeping in the shadows

When you reach within
Do you find yourself
Descending an everlasting abyss
Or remiss to find your fingertips
Ascend past the glass ceiling
of Heaven

I find it kind of ironic
How the snow always falls
While ashes from charcoal rise

When you play with thoughts
That flood your brain
Do they elate your senses
Or bring you pain
Do you show on the surface
What's imprinted in your skin
Or leave the premise to be unwrapped
Then tossed aside once again

I began to write
So that I could know myself
And what I find
Is that I'd rather be someone else

Dead Inside

That's a flag that no soul runs to capture
It leaves you high and dry
Stranded alone
Staring down from the rafters
Wondering what went wrong
And then proceeded after
Which carries on into the very present Existential disaster

What is it that besets me
Perplexes my soul
To forever second guessing
Presetting the ridicule
And never ending questioning
With sharpened tips directed within

For my eternal conflict festering
My eager disposition
Reveals my meager position
Desperately inflicting
Conditioned precision
Leading ultimately to division

All while I'm asking why

Was this what I envisioned?
Did the pieces fit together
Like a perfect prism
Projecting nimbus clouds
Or simply bring the rain down
In my prison?

I get the suspicion
That there was no omission
While considering these propositions:

Maybe if I could be different
Then I could be divident
Blistered from the sun and innocent

Am I justified or satisfied
In all that I desire
When admitting each want
That's past transpired?

For the joys of life
Don't require far places to be found
Foreign grounds
Only offer exotic ways to suffer

But there's no coming home
When I'm pushing through alone
No one to love me while I'm alive
No spark of the falling snow
Meeting the burning charcoal
No ember
And nothing to remember
When I'm already dead inside

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

Take me down to the breaking point
Where I soften and forget
All about disappointing you
Or what could be misconstrued
Disestablished, or casually deflected

For still I watch helplessly
As camoflauge intercepts my language
I can hide and be strange
Or pleasant and fake
But it doesn't make us any less estranged
Yet when I'm pretending
There's no mending my mistakes
Because they break us
Like a fault line when the earth quakes

When the message you're sending
Is much too diplomatic
I need to feel the pressure rising
I need a triumph of humanity
Static rolling through my fingers
Charging my frozen feet as I linger
On those last choice words of yours
Retorting lightning fire out of my mouth
My ears still ringing
From the weight of their impact

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to feel alive
I'm sorry if I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

I can be so condescending
Like my response to your questions
Are forever pending
Another moment in time
But I can't pretend
Like I'm some mysterious riddle
I try to be clear and keep things civil
I try to disappear
Only with me in the middle
My broken heart is simple
Which makes me a criminal

It's never enough
I'm sorry that's too much
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free
Deceit ultimately leaving me
To my heart's lonesome conceit

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry if I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

My zeal and consumption
Reveal the dysfunction
While determining each compunction Attained from my blind spot

There's no restraint
Only beligerant justification
Of how you somehow fit
Into the conducive picture
When I'm caught

And because I can't see it
I remain elusive
Telling you where the shoe fits
Telling you what the truth is
All the while preaching
That I'm so introspective
And also failing to ascertain
My own negligence

Sabotaging everything that I have
When I'm left feeling bad
By some kind of red flag
Raising false alarms
Sounding like the war
In my pin cushion heart

If I listened
I'd hear your quiet
Dismissive confessions
Instead of invisible projections
And the lies I tell myself
That have become manifested

If I had to guess
I'm sweating for fear of rejection
Yet you didn't even raise that question
It's the guise under which I hide
For protection
Revealing my true colors

I need to stop being so defensive
Of my never ending cycle
And take heed
That what's been (them)
Is merely ashes in the wind
While this (us) is revival

I feel your heart dripping with saturation
To the point of sedation
It makes you afraid and stray away
From all your playcating
Playful ways being sated

And my own pain has been harbored
Within my lonesome self hatred
For many years at a time
Creating empty spaces

But you are not vacant
Within the confines of your walls
You're only frightened of slipping
Or falling at all

But you speak to me
With the shine in your eyes
In between the words you say
You're a clever artist
Gone, lost and departed
With what you convey

I refrain from saying too often
That I see your approach soften
Because you're lying there naked
Inside of your coffin

Beckoning sweetly for me to meet you Somewhere in the ground
So that we can exchange soft phrases
Without making a sound
Never again will I pull you away
When you don't want to be found...

Just know I'm listening
To your splendid reminiscence
I'm not giving in
To my own cognitive dissonance
Now that I see you clearly
And I feel you dearly
I want you near me

There's no fear and no pain
I'll be hanging around
Waiting to call out your name
Until the time comes
For us to say goodbye
Anyways, I love you
I had the time of my life

It's as though I've died
Yet haven't reached the end of my life Passing by unfazed
Through these phases ever changing
Taking kindness from strangers
When they offer their advice

Suffice to be content
With what's left behind
Acting on hapless sacrifices
Or sickening vices
Hollowing my inside private spaces
Until the point I disappear
Or otherwise remain faceless

A blank slate..
I'm ready to bear my own vines
To share this with you
Substantiate it over time
And let roots grow where they lie

If only you'd allow me
To take your hand in mine
I'd fit the mold
I'd fill that hole
Within your ripped apart heart
And never miss

I wish you to know this
That you have been
*The last dream of my soul

"You can not die in a soul prison
You can only be reborn."

If I am destined to die this day
My preemptive fate is to endure
The cross's burden of the reincarnate
This cryptic incantation spurned
If not reanimated by concentric hatred
Burning within like a fire concentrated

I can think of
No better form of poetic justice
Than to be subjected to yet
Another lifetime
Of helpless suffering

Screaming at my creator
Without an articulate tongue
My thrashing heart weighed against
The pure and chaste plume of the Dove

I've already been designated
For another trip around His Sun
The vast black hole of gases
Worshipped as a God

And when my eyes meet their demise
And I'm lifted from this fable dream
I'll bare my tortured soul once again
Returning petrified and unable to scream

I'm reaching with searching fingers Rewinding my present time
For some lost, lingering epiphany
I may have left behind
Desperately digging
For who I'll never be
Retrieving my sighing hands
Reminded that I'll find only Me

The remaining grains of sand
Slipping from my hand
I will lose myself
In the midst of my other plan
And I'll lose you too
For the clever ruse
Says you get what you see
But I was never pretending
Only presenting who I wanted to be

Loss is what I have come to know
I only fabricate schemes of finding home Stealing from other stories
With broad spectrums
And respectful categories
I can begin to see
Somewhere peaceful
Behind a clouded dream

I'm a parasitic husk
Reaching out
To devour and consume anyone
Foolish enough to exhume my past
And I fear that once I become sated here
There will remain no way back

I'm reaching with searching fingers Rewinding my present time
For some lost, lingering epiphany
I may have left behind
Desperately digging
To where I'll never be
Retrieving my sighing hands
Reminded that I'll find only Me

My friends
My possessions
My home
The life that I sacrificed
In search of redemption
Or to make sense
Of some unknown calling
All was wasted when I did not die

So now I can't stand
To be trapped in my skin
Let me forget that I'm here
Just for a single moment
Allow me to live
Vivaciously visualizing a daydream
Where all that I see isn't haunting me
With the broken tendrils of a lost reality Twisting and turning my righteous grief
Into the one I despise, a father of deceit.

Ever precarious
Always vicariously
The nefarious cycle fights to repeat
Through my sober
I'm still not safe
Now that the running is over
I'm still making martyrs
Trying to stake their claim
As if I have any idea
How to get back from Me
Once again

I thought I heard ringing
From a familiar alarm
While happening upon your wounded,
though still beating heart

For I'll forever take pleasure
In removing their glass shards
Whether the stakes bless my favor
Or forsake my stars

You stood so firm
In the midst of chagrin
Like a Cheshire cat
Boldly tilting her chin

And I understand how
A blister under the skin
Can demand a cure for the itch
Of it's lingering burden

So I decided then and there
To invite you to a fantasy
Like your all-time favorite
Cherished childhood Disney

Where you could dance the night away
And laugh and sing, but
Also where the smile stays in your eyes
Most importantly

Little did I know
In the midst of all my plans
You'd reach right back
Searching to uncover my guarded stance

And through some kind of clandestine
Clairvoyant pretense
You hopped on the wall
Peering through my broken defense

Like blue orbs beaming
With no sign of retreating
I was paralyzed by your sunlight
I had no chance of defeating

Only beckoning, softly, and entreating
You pulled me in beneath the surface
Before the instant was fleeting

Somehow
You made me take a moment
To stop and think
How to draw a line
That's left behind
And for once remain succinct
Revitalize a pacified panic button
Without a necessary distinction

So best believe
When I say your name
(because I can't refrain)
You'll hear all about how it's adorned
With calligraphy from the memory
I'll retain
And smiling silently
(while showing my teeth)
I'll hope you feel the same
Until next we meet, Calisa Mae

Lucifer heard overtures
And melodic bells
Akin to the kind fine tuned
Whilst under angels' spells

They orchestrated a plan
Sinister and wicked
The task given Him
Once fallen from Heaven's thicket

For it had been blessed and ordained
An order
Sanctified
Justified
Maintained

He knows no malice
No sign of chagrin
Save the knowledge of this righteous Resolution

As the master plan begins
There was a ringing
Each time Seraphim did approach near
But his intention was devout
And distinctly clear

Singed within his heart
No torturous malady
But a signate of Hope
To His fixated reality

An answer to questions
Of destitude and control
With either road traveled
Consequences tend to fracture the soul

Each Piece of Eight
Broken from the Whole
To satisfy and quench
A clandestine mold

And because He's been told
Forsaken to behold
This is simply another story foretold

Little to wonder
With nothing to rally
When the Pieces fell in line
For the perfect finale.

With all due respect I'm not racist. I'm just dealing with and reflecting on what I'm faced with. Ignorance stands tall amongst all the publicized stations. People claiming hatred for what they've been given or had taken... in pigments. We should be past the point in time where it's an epidemic But everybody's creating reprimands like this **** could be different. Wishing they could make a decision or live by the revision of their manifested vision... Well I guess you can't stop fear. People disrespect what they reject then project their veneer. Maybe if you took a minute to consider why we're all here you'd find ways to pay reparations replacing base words with fear. And no I do not disrespect the effects of history. We should all carry moments of silence in reflection of our mystery. But propagating and protecting an eternal war that **** gets to me when our primary focus should be moving forward progressively. Yet you choose to react. Elevating racist statements from both sides of the track. Attacking anyone for the color on their skin sets us back. It's past time to celebrate whether you're white or you're black. Some will tell me I don't understand. They look at me and just instantly read my hand. But that's exactly the reason to initiate a different plan judging any book by its cover like that makes you a bigger man. It's time for us to stand and forget about sympathy. That word is useless when held in comparison with empathy. If you could try to harmonize then eventually potentially we could end reducing systematic projections protecting entropy. But you won't. Not for all your pride. One eye for another for what you've suffered and you feel inside. Leading towards a devastating path to divide when I've been making Revelations in my attempt to justify. Blame the present pretenses. Blame it on their wealth. Blame it on account of everyone's single mindedness except yourself! I'm not racist. And I don't have any defensive excuses. I only speak the truth so my intention is ruthless. I'm not trying to replace or defame Joyner Lucas when his claim to fame explained in the original just where the shoe fits. I'm only trying to say one thing here that is this: Your power to separate is ******* stupid and reopens the suture. Only through coming together can we pave a better way for our future.

There are some who choose
To hold on to their pain
For that's all to remain
Of their most cherished memory
When everything else is gone