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Nov 9 · 20
Chris Balase Nov 9
So let me
chase every sunrise and sunset
with the hope that encompass
the darkness behind us
Oct 2 · 138
Chris Balase Oct 2
Fear. Uncertainty. Pain

    Constant, they are
Jun 13 · 27
Chris Balase Jun 13
I miss holding you close to my chest
I miss the warmth of your embrace
I miss the faint smile you wear on your lips,
  whenever I kiss you on your cheeks.

I miss the way we both
  take away our pain
  ease our burdens
  replenish our strength
  and take our breaths away
while interlocking our bodies to rest.
Jun 6 · 22
Ode to my son
Chris Balase Jun 6
One day you shall see
how a man can hide his wounds
for the sake of seeing the smile
  of the woman he bores deep
     of the offspring he would hold incessantly

One day you will fight
years above your fragile self
for the sake of living for others
  with worn out tools and dusty sheath
    with old wounds and a butchered heart  

One day, my son, you will learn
to be strong beyond your words
for the sake of thy posterity
    for the vengeance of thy soul
     for the indignation of thy folly

Then, and only then, will you become a MAN
Feb 22 · 114
Grant me
Chris Balase Feb 22
I only need
  One picture
     One photograph
        To last a lifetime
Feb 21 · 212
Fear of rain
Chris Balase Feb 21
I fear my fear is coming back
I run and hide away
but still am trapped
inside my shack

Of fog and smoke
of mud and myre
of skeletons unseen
of undying desire

Of musing turned scars
of vomits and vermin
of memories lost
and memories forgotten

My memory is such
full of anguish and pain
full of harm and regret
that's why I fear the rain
Chris Balase Feb 14
I wish I could give you
the sun and the moon

I wish I could give you
a worry free life

give you treasures to secure
your future with me.

I wish I had all the things you've dreamt about
all the characters that
your partner should possess

I wish that I could be someone
you'll be proud of

I may not have those things yet...
and I cannot promise to give you
   what I have no possession of.

But I do have these:
My pure love
My undivided attention
My faithfulness
My loyalty

These things I offer to you.
They don't seem that much...
but what I have, I give to you.

I love you Mahal,
in every little aspect that you have.
   Your tiny quirks, your nuances, your entire being.

Feb 6 · 256
Every Morning
Chris Balase Feb 6
I open my eyes
and see the most beautiful expression
found in your subtle smile

Every morning
I smell your tender perfume
emanating from your skin
Driving me deeper within
being lost in the sensation
of this moment
   interlocking our lives

Every morning for the past month
I thank God for being alive
I thank God
for having you here in my arms
  every morning
Jan 24 · 40
Chris Balase Jan 24
Behind closed doors
is where my therapy lies
under the sheets
behind the passage of time

echoes and billows
of my fragmented mind
as my headaches are intertwined
with these heartaches of mine
Jan 24 · 51
Last time I fell
Chris Balase Jan 24
I wanted to write
  poems for you

but it seems
  that I gloom in the shadows now

expecting the apocalypse
we will soon be in

Or the tears
that will flood my pillow

it seems
  that my last straw of hope
  was lost
  the last time I fell
  in love.
Jan 13 · 34
Straw bricks
Chris Balase Jan 13
Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?
Jan 13 · 54
Broken still
Chris Balase Jan 13
Don't touch
   my broken pieces

     For each subtle movement
               drives trauma
     back to my gentle soul.
Nov 2020 · 38
Remember to forget
Chris Balase Nov 2020
I need to forget you
like how the day forgets the night
how the drought forgets the rain
and the blind forgets his sight

I need to lose you
like a villain losing his sanity
like nakedness losing its dignity
like amnesia losing its memory

I need to forget you
I need to lose you
for the last time...
I need you.
Nov 2020 · 48
Chris Balase Nov 2020
What once was hallowed
has turned to dark
what once has purpose
is now an empty bark
like a dead wood tree
like a wheel that's stuck
is a hollowed soul I am
with all the yuck and the muck
Nov 2020 · 77
All things
Chris Balase Nov 2020
Everything withers and dies
every memory loses its lush
Every fire, once immense and vile
subsides and withers from a hush

All things are lost in a moment;
like a robber lurking in the night
ready to take every valued possession
to cause us confusion and fright

A new fear I now dread
a new phobia I've developed:
That is to reach the end of my being
without reaching the peak of my endeavors
Nov 2020 · 46
Me. myself. I.
Chris Balase Nov 2020
Me: You know what hurts?
Myself: What?
I: "Everything"
Nov 2020 · 43
lava eyes
Chris Balase Nov 2020
I am a well of overflowing emotions
     tap me once and I explode
Like a ne'er ending source
     like magma, ever ready to flow
Nov 2020 · 48
Spin, let's
Chris Balase Nov 2020
My drunken head
On my lonely bed
I retire myself in fear
I retire dreaming you're here.

On my lonely bed
With my spinning head
Nov 2020 · 41
Chris Balase Nov 2020
I never smile
Like the way I smile
Whenever my thoughts
Remember how you lied
Nov 2020 · 33
Chris Balase Nov 2020
I hate this
  this I hate
   hate this, I
    and no matter how
     I try to lie
      hate is how I
        cut all my ties
          I hate it when
            I turn to side
              and see my wounds
                to never dry
                  cause no matter how
                     hard I try
                       this I hate
                          I hate this, I.
Oct 2020 · 46
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Will thou be there?
Oh Great Wind of the south...
to cover my leaves that bear
the fruits which my soil hath abound?

Will thou be there?
Oh Sun, the ever so bright...
to give me reason to shade
a passerby, a child.

Will my seed bear
the fruits of my tomorrow...
the fulfillment of my dreams...
the laughter of my sorrows...

Will thou abound?
When my poetry cease
to scatter my thoughts...
to scatter my will.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great, Mighty One?
Will thy great branches
cover my lonely arms...
When dawn breaks
through the passage of my tonight
will my heart still say
"I did what was right?"

circa 2015
Oct 2020 · 266
Let me
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Let me touch
  even in the slightest way
     your shadow
        as it moves away

Let me reminisce
  every promise, broken
    every teardrop
       every faint word, spoken
Oct 2020 · 47
Chris Balase Oct 2020
I see darkness creeping
under my veins tonight
behold, my light has fallen
and gone from my sight

As emptiness engulfs
my worn, weary eyes
I loathe this feeling of pain
every single time I cry

It seems like
I have perfected
the destruction of myself.
Oct 2020 · 64
Here-O- no more
Chris Balase Oct 2020
I wanted to be
your hero

But you didn't need saving
not from me.

You needed
to play around with your darkness

So darkness became
your savior.
Oct 2020 · 45
On love and care
Chris Balase Oct 2020
One cannot teach
a viper to sing
a leopard to fly
and a fish to close its eyes

One cannot teach
a person to cry
to have wings like a dove
or a heart to love
Oct 2020 · 38
What is
Chris Balase Oct 2020
I need a poisonous tip
one that is as sharp
as the tongues of these mockers
shouting in my ears.

I need a hallow soul
with an emptiness...
as vast as the crevasse
found in my heart.

I need a knife,
a blunt knife,
to slowly feel its edges
cut open my skin

until it causes
my heart
until it causes
my soul

to cease to exist.

For what is life but a series of unfathomable events...
leading us astray?
Oct 2020 · 170
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Skipping beats

I think I'm falling, again.

Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Oct 2020 · 39
Bad memories
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Bad memories stay the longest
sting the hardest
and weaken the most.

Bad memories *******
the heart and soul
inflict pain
leave scars unresolved.
Oct 2020 · 221
Chris Balase Oct 2020
  of my bad memories
  are gone

but why am I still not happy?
Oct 2020 · 50
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Your bite marks
left on my skin
are like painful flowers
etched on my mind
Oct 2020 · 48
Chris Balase Oct 2020
She said

That my aura smells
like a bar of soap
with a hint
of fresh cinnamon

What I didn't say
is that her hugs
felt like home.
Oct 2020 · 56
Chris Balase Oct 2020
Last night
was painfully beautiful
your lips
were as tender, as fragile
as your heart

I have seen
your darkness
a glimpse of your sorrow
yet you still draw me in
deeper into you abyss

Last night
was painfully beautiful
one feeling that I
long to linger
in my frailty.
Oct 2020 · 45
Chris Balase Oct 2020
I have made so many poems
... of joyful, youthful glow
and carved them in my memory
... a capsule of years ago.

I have dealt with so many dreams
... I've dealt with so many fire
to purify this anguished life
... consuming my wildest desire.

Perhaps one day I'll make a dream
perhaps... with you this time around
Perhaps I'll stop making poems
for YOUR poetry will now abound

I hope someday, you'll find it too
that peace your turmoil's been searching
for in the space of our lavished arms
Is where you, Kristine, will be staying.
Chris Balase Sep 2020
Loving and being loved
starting over again
knowing someone worthy
someone more than a friend
Feeling her heart next to mine
In the chill of the night
whilst her arms wrap around me
holding me tight
Remembering her quirks and dislikes
being used like a tool
building a universe around her
exposing myself like a fool
Giving love another chance
giving love another toast
these are the things
that I fear the most.
Sep 2020 · 55
Ichabod 2
Chris Balase Sep 2020
I am not a hero
for I am not good
I too am not evil
just merely misunderstood

I am not darkness
though I dwell in thee
nor am I its shadow,
merely its enmity

I am also not Light
for I cannot bear its burn
can't you see my scars
hidden behind my churn?

I am no longer my yesteryears
I am no longer my today
I am no longer my tomorrow
that, too, has faded away

I am in the crevice
trapped in the shadows
a pointless voyager
an archer without arrows
Sep 2020 · 48
Chris Balase Sep 2020
Vanity! Vanity!
All things in vain!
The seas, the mountains,
my life in chains!
The flowers, the dewdrops,
the mighty hordes too
have all lost their glamour
the day I lost you.

Vanity! Vanity!
shouted through eternity
raging billows of fire
spouted from the mouth of mine enemies!
No records abound
nor secrets untold
in the chambers of mine heart
where art thou, oh Cold?

My roots are uprooted
and my soul is a ravine
my compass is shattered
like my soul uncleaned!
Lest tomorrow brings hope
I fear I'm losing track
From my innermost being I cry
Jul 2020 · 514
Chris Balase Jul 2020
I don't need moments of excitement
no seasons of joy
I don't need sparks that heightens
or splashes of coy

I need regular, unyielding,
steadfast, and true
I need the monotony of embracing
someone like you
An excerpt from a longer poem which I had written and lost.
Jul 2020 · 58
Chris Balase Jul 2020
I'm not a nice guy because I have to be. I am a nice guy by choice.

Make no mistake
I have seen the darkness in my mind
I have searched for the monster within
I have allowed our souls to entwine
instead of trying to fight and win.

Make no mistake.
That my kindness is but a choice
My goodness is but an objection
My gentleness, my calm voice
are selected impulses, not a reaction.
Jul 2020 · 63
It just makes sense
Chris Balase Jul 2020
It just makes sense
to realize this one true fact
that an unlovable me exists
to stump everything in me that's intact.

It just makes sense
that I am too broken to be whole
too ruined to be loved
too vicious to be cruel.

It just makes MORE sense
to understand being alone
for no one would accept and embrace
my once beautiful soul.

It just makes sense
to be rejected once more
to be thrown like chaff
to be melted to my core.

It just makes sense
To say goodbye than hello
to walk slowly and briefly
to dwindle a lil bit more.

I could probably write
a thousand more reasons for my plea
Cause it just makes sense
for me to stay UNHAPPY
Chris Balase Jul 2020
I wonder what she's doing tonight?
I know, this feeling ain't right
The memories we shared keep haunting
those promises of love everlasting

Each night I cry to God for relief
to ease the pain of this unsung grief
I can find no  rest, I have no cure
for our love may not be perfect, but it was pure.

I'm sorry, I can't let you go
I pretended to be strong, but it's all a show
so as long as I can wish upon a star so bright
I'll keep wondering... what you're doing tonight.
Jun 2020 · 57
Chris Balase Jun 2020
Don't great me "Happy Father's Day!"

For I am not happy,
I failed as a father,
and this is not my day.
Jun 2020 · 51
Mind Palace
Chris Balase Jun 2020
It makes sense now

Walking along the streets with you
the smell of the air
its cold temperature
your weird smile
whilst I hold the umbrella
which you left in my apartment until now.

The sensation of having you
or our dimmed silhouette
or the whispers you uttered.

It makes sense now...

I had built a palace of memories with you.
and its walls and chambers were filled,
with echoes of your voice.

It makes sense now...

Why it's taking me far too long
to forget you,
for destroying such palace is akin
to tearing down myself.

It makes sense now.
Apr 2020 · 70
Chris Balase Apr 2020
I entered the house
Coming from school
I am the eldest of four
A child, inexperienced, a fool.

I turned to see
my parents in glee
We've grown as teenagers
Young and bold were we...

Then I saw the sun
As years fly by
My son in my arms
Hushing his cry

Now the noon fades
As minutes become years
As my home becomes a wreck
Flooded with tears

I searched and had found
The embrace from another
But she too has left
Crushing me under.

Oh home that I dream
Oh home that I hope
Is one I cannot reach
And a future I cannot cope.
Apr 2020 · 57
Chris Balase Apr 2020
Let me speak about my loss
One last time
In this poetry which I dedicate
To Flor.

How I now dread the day I was born
For it is when you bid farewell
For my stenched heart, now awfully scorned
Is now creeping back to its broken shell.

I am weaker now than before we met
More scared to face each passing day
I admit I've said things that I regret
Now it seems like this hurt is the only way.

I wish not of forgiveness for the both of us
I wish not of happines too
I wish not of restoration of trust
But I wish that I haven't met you.

For this, had crumbled me beyond repair
One that I can no longer take
No more pieces to build, my house in despair
This void is too much for my mistake.
Apr 2020 · 59
Chris Balase Apr 2020
No more rhymes
the poet has left the stage
no more words
they wouldn't suffice anyway
No goodbyes
cause it meant the acknowledgement that we have once met
there are but tears
a deep gaping wound
and a thousand memories that has to be erased
Things will never be the same,
yet one thing remains:
I am still afraid to be happy.
Feb 2020 · 71
Love is a monster
Chris Balase Feb 2020
Love is a monster

It cries from deep within
Its gates are sturdy
Yet her eyes managed
To pierce through me

She bellows and shrieks
Longing to be free
Not knowing that her prison
Was made by fools like me

So I let her go
Trembling was I, shaking in fear
For this monster I created
Wouldn't lend me an ear.

Darkness is now sitting
In the place where love left
Now I'm closing this door shut
Along with the memories I've felt.

I am never grateful
For this monster love of mine
How can someone be grateful
To the painful memories left behind?
Feb 2020 · 74
My latest heartache
Chris Balase Feb 2020
I took my heart and brought it to her, she said she'll take care of it and welcomed my shattered pieces. She brought me joy every day. We walked the highways and the byways, holding each other in agreement that we will continue to trod this life together...

Then I looked at my side and she was no longer there...
I looked around and she was nowhere to be found...

I held her too tight,
Clinged too much,
And devoted too seriously...

My heart wanders
My soul searches,
My ears intently listens...

But she is gone.

Like my breath that she took with her,
Like my heartbeat that she dragged along with her,
Like my hopes that she both gave and shattered.

This is the deepest pain I've felt because for once in a very long time, I thought otherwise.

I understand all of these,
Her reasons,
Her past,
Her pain,
Her own troubled journey,
And the weight I had added to it...

I understand, but I can't accept.

I cannot accept the fact that when things go hard, people let go.

People let go.
Let go...
Jan 2020 · 64
Eventually you will grow
Chris Balase Jan 2020
Through every minute argument
Through every passing storm
Or in every waking moment
That you find yourself alone

In every instance where
You want to hold her close
But it’s not the distance that separates you
It’s the problems you proposed

In every promise made
And every promise broken
In every hope shattered
In every heavy burden…

Eventually you will grow
As both of you are hardwired
Eventually you will grow….
Eventually you will grow tired.

And that,
The saddest part.
Dec 2019 · 91
Just perish
Chris Balase Dec 2019
I would like to die
Not tonight, or tomorrow,
But now!

There. That's my poetry today.

I would like to order peace
But since it's unavailable
Perhaps a piece of poisoned dagger
To cut through my heart
Will suffice.

I would love to have joy
But since it's too expensive
Perhaps an overdose of pain
To battle my existing pain
Will siffice.

I am craving for love
But since she IS the source
Of my current distress
Perhaps loneliness will suffice
This HOPELESS, drenched, cursed being.

So I would love death
To be my therapy
In this harsh unforgiving world.

To just perish. Oh hopeless, poor, soul.
Just perish.
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