It makes sense now

Walking along the streets with you
the smell of the air
its cold temperature
your weird smile
whilst I hold the umbrella
which you left in my apartment until now.

The sensation of having you
or our dimmed silhouette
or the whispers you uttered.

It makes sense now...

I had built a palace of memories with you.
and its walls and chambers were filled,
with echoes of your voice.

It makes sense now...

Why it's taking me far too long
to forget you,
for destroying such palace is akin
to tearing down myself.

It makes sense now.

I entered the house
Coming from school
I am the eldest of four
A child, inexperienced, a fool.

I turned to see
my parents in glee
We've grown as teenagers
Young and bold were we...

Then I saw the sun
As years fly by
My son in my arms
Hushing his cry

Now the noon fades
As minutes become years
As my home becomes a wreck
Flooded with tears

I searched and had found
The embrace from another
But she too has left
Crushing me under.

Oh home that I dream
Oh home that I hope
Is one I cannot reach
And a future I cannot cope.

Let me speak about my loss
One last time
In this poetry which I dedicate
To Flor.

How I now dread the day I was born
For it is when you bid farewell
For my stenched heart, now awfully scorned
Is now creeping back to its broken shell.

I am weaker now than before we met
More scared to face each passing day
I admit I've said things that I regret
Now it seems like this hurt is the only way.

I wish not of forgiveness for the both of us
I wish not of happines too
I wish not of restoration of trust
But I wish that I haven't met you.

For this, had crumbled me beyond repair
One that I can no longer take
No more pieces to build, my house in despair
This void is too much for my mistake.

No more rhymes
the poet has left the stage
no more words
they wouldn't suffice anyway
No goodbyes
cause it meant the acknowledgement that we have once met
there are but tears
pain
a deep gaping wound
and a thousand memories that has to be erased
Things will never be the same,
yet one thing remains:
I am still afraid to be happy.

Love is a monster

It cries from deep within
Its gates are sturdy
Yet her eyes managed
To pierce through me

She bellows and shrieks
Longing to be free
Not knowing that her prison
Was made by fools like me

So I let her go
Trembling was I, shaking in fear
For this monster I created
Wouldn't lend me an ear.

Darkness is now sitting
In the place where love left
Now I'm closing this door shut
Along with the memories I've felt.

I am never grateful
For this monster love of mine
How can someone be grateful
To the painful memories left behind?

I took my heart and brought it to her, she said she'll take care of it and welcomed my shattered pieces. She brought me joy every day. We walked the highways and the byways, holding each other in agreement that we will continue to trod this life together...

Then I looked at my side and she was no longer there...
I looked around and she was nowhere to be found...

I held her too tight,
Clinged too much,
And devoted too seriously...

Now,
My heart wanders
My soul searches,
My ears intently listens...

But she is gone.

Like my breath that she took with her,
Like my heartbeat that she dragged along with her,
Like my hopes that she both gave and shattered.

This is the deepest pain I've felt because for once in a very long time, I thought otherwise.

I understand all of these,
Her reasons,
Her past,
Her pain,
Her own troubled journey,
And the weight I had added to it...

I understand, but I can't accept.

I cannot accept the fact that when things go hard, people let go.

People let go.
Let go...

Through every minute argument
Through every passing storm
Or in every waking moment
That you find yourself alone

In every instance where
You want to hold her close
But it’s not the distance that separates you
It’s the problems you proposed

In every promise made
And every promise broken
In every hope shattered
In every heavy burden…

Eventually you will grow
As both of you are hardwired
Eventually you will grow….
Eventually you will grow tired.

And that,
Is
The saddest part.

I would like to die
Not tonight, or tomorrow,
But now!

There. That's my poetry today.

I would like to order peace
But since it's unavailable
Perhaps a piece of poisoned dagger
To cut through my heart
Will suffice.

I would love to have joy
But since it's too expensive
Perhaps an overdose of pain
To battle my existing pain
Will siffice.

I am craving for love
But since she IS the source
Of my current distress
Perhaps loneliness will suffice
This HOPELESS, drenched, cursed being.

So I would love death
To be my therapy
In this harsh unforgiving world.

To just perish. Oh hopeless, poor, soul.
Just perish.

Self therapy. Sharing what goes into the mind of a depressed person. It took me a great deal of courage to share this.

Time: 7:12 pm. Dec 12.


At the end of the day, Chris, you're still alone.

And it's unfair to think otherwise. It's unfair to rely on another for comfort for they too are fighting battles. So embrace your cold state, learn to be numb. Shout if you must to silence the void and its deafening silence. For what is missing can only be replaced by that of which is the same, but you are not ready for that, your antidote to this poison is still on its way, so do your best to hold on for one more day.

Sleep. Try. Fail. Learn. Repeat. The wounds are opened. The wells are deep. The doors, shut.

Breathe. Don't give up yet. Don't think too much. Sleep, sleep,sleep.

Celebrate the day I was born
Celebrate the day I'll die
Celebrate the first time we met
Celebrate the first time we cried
For this is the fullness of life
Of things that are in store
Of memories forgotten
From a time long before
For I too shall cherish
Especially my memories of you
For through this we can consider
To live a life anew.

Writing is honesty cut open
It is the nakedness of a person
The depth of the time it was written
and the purity of crampled emotions

For without such,they would merely
Become words void...
And spaces null

I don't care anymore
Since this is the only language
My heart can truly speak
Since it seems like caring for you
Or caring for us
Only chockes your precious freedom.

You want me to change
Yet when I plea for you to do the same
You make me feel worse.

So I don't care if we crash
I don't care if you cheat
I don't care if you hurt

I will simply don't care.

In the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where promises were covered
through a thick cloud of whispers

As your hands gently caressed
through my cheeks, lips, and hair
leading me to draw you closer
to my seated body so bare

"I will give love one more try"
I whispered in pain
"But if I fail again, I don't know what will happen to me."

Then you said:

"Stay with me, we will heal together."

...
...
...
...


For in the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where our promises were renewed
in the hopes that love will bloom.

You say to yourself that you're ugly
Perhaps you've only gauged yourself
On the same level that this shallow world has set.

You don't see the glimmer of hope
You bring whenever you smile
You don't notice how
The room brightens a little bit upon your entrance
You don't notice the joy you've given
To my weary soul
And perhaps you don't understand the depth of your presence, the power of your words, and the overwhelming comfort of your embrace.

Perhaps I should remind you daily
That your genuine beauty is what I had searched for.

Perhaps I should remind you daily, that your prescious whispers have anchored my otherwise drifting abyss...

Beyond compare, your true beauty is.
I wish you could see that.

I want to hold you close
while my fingertips
slowly drips
through your skin

with the gentlest of touch
from our lips
swaying movements from our hips
as we melt in this soiree.

Slow dancing
in this tune
on a rainy afternoon
we begged ourselves to stay.

I want to bellow my heartaches
to the world while it sleeps
Even when no one is listening
even if by myself I weep

To bawl my woes for the nth time
while over the moon I howl
whispering cries and shouting vows,
incantations, and silent growls!

Tonight my pipes are unheard
while I cover myself to speak
my solace where art thy wingless noise
my poisoned brows are yours to keep.

Your portion for my whole
a fair trade for sure
a portion of your time and affection
for my whole dedication.
a fair trade for sure.

In between the sheets we passed time
with whispers of passion and divine
with hushed dreams and wishful thoughts
while we count our loss and count the cost

On this sinful night as we lay awake
we'll try to hide all the noises we make
for time is yet to be on our side
and the heat of the moment will never subside

In between these sheets we lay bare
the universe does seem to care
In the still of the night, a thought pushed through
I fear losing someone... like you.

Never getting used to this pain
I thought I had beaten it before
Yet here I am losing without fighting
loving and being ignored.

And I say it's Ok
because there will never be an "us"
and yes, perhaps IT IS "Ok"
But no, it will not end so fast.

For never will I ever
be used to this feeling
from afar I will subside
until I am lost in my cringing...

How I wish that I've never
  Ever been ever
    Mesmerized in a clever
       void of forever.

Beaten. Worn out. Shattered.
My wings will still fly for you.

Scorned. Ruined. Ridiculed.
My dreams will still live in you.

Weakened. Drained. Shriveled.
My strength will carry you.

Unrequited. Abused. Tired.
My love will endure.

So take rest.
Place your head on my chest.
I will keep you close both tonight...
And the rest of your life.

You don't have to be brave.
You don't have to be brave

Don't stare at me now
with those eyes that pierce my shallow soul
For with the same breath and length
you WILL also hurt my all

Never try to attempt to fill my hole
lest in your heartless, selfless mind
ploy to gut out my innermost self
leaving me nothing behind.

Ah! the pain in my past is catching
upon my saddened life rebuild
neither having nor losing you  
will suffice my void unfilled

I only have 5 minutes
To spare this poetry
Here it goes:

5.
I do not wish to be seen
Said the old man in me
So leave me alone
Cause I don't want to be

4.
For I've been running away
This is what I hate
And I envy everyone else
Who are not in the same fate.

3.
What have I become?
Where will I go?
The questions are left unanswered
And I've searched high and low.

2.
To be strong once more
In my world full of doubt
To be strong while I lose
In my latest bout.

1.
I wish I had more time
Just like before
I only have 5 minutes
And I wish I had more.

Wilted pillows on a stormy night
I beseech my spirit to fight
I drown myself with locklaced songs
As I brace myself for being alone

I liked somebody today
And she seemed too good
For a weary old soul like me
I must've said something wrong
For an instant I felt
Her distance though we were
arms length apart.

Then I felt sad.
So sad.

I know it's a long shot
But I was hoping it to linger
So that perhaps I could be reminded
What it feels to love.

Oh love, what have you done?

Her: We could still be friends, Ok?

>> I wasnt searching for one. <<

Heart beats fast as I said hello
Another date with the unknown
What if she sees through me?
Will my darkness be shown?

Cupid's arrow has a poisoned tip
And he's taunting me to play his game
And heaven is silent and exasperated
As my lips try to mumble her name.

I honestly need a break
From my mind's weary eerie lie
Shoulders tensed, in this I confess
I'm afraid to lose again in this life

How you have grown
in strength of character
and of virtue

A far cry to my agony
I see your joy

A far cry to my failures
I see your success

I missed you since
your mom and I
went on our lives apart
4 years ago.

I will guide you from afar
I will admire you from afar
I will support you from afar
I will love you from afar

You are my only offspring
so I too shall be your only father
the flesh of my flesh
the spirit of my spirit
and the passion of my heart

My annoying wavy hair
was the curse and my ridicule
when I was young.

"Curly hair is a plague!"
They ghast!
Lashing down my confidence.

How annoying was to comb it
wishing to have
the same straight hair as my peers

Until the day I lost most of it.

Now I miss my annoying hair
I miss people noticing it
I miss brushing it
I miss being annoyed by it...

the same way I miss the annoying You.
I miss our little quarrels
our mishaps
our hugs
our tears
I miss people talking bad about us
I miss the anger brought by our love
I miss the midnight talks
I miss the times we don't speak
  because we were afraid to make things worse
I miss our secret adventures
Our saddest mistakes
your annoying voice
your angry stare
and all your negativity

Like my annoying hair
I wished that I had done everything
to keep you
I wished that
I held on one last time.

I miss my annoying hair
the same way that I miss
my annoying life with you


It's annoying.

Science proves that time-traveling is possible
and how quantum physics have shown
that moving through time into the future
is easier and more plausible
than going back

Perhaps it really means:

That we were not supposed
to revert back
to our what ifs
and the would've been's

Like the time when
the world was our oyster
in the presence
of our once perfect world

Perhaps it means:

That our tears had flowed
fulfilling its purpose
Or our knees have been bruised
for an apparent reason

And our mistakes and disasters
have cultivated
the new life we live
at the moment

Perhaps the dagger
struck within our soul
was indeed inscribed
with our blueprint for pain

Perhaps our weakened state
is where our blessings
vehemently lies

Perhaps,
we were never meant
                     to look back.

Perhaps love is not for me
Maybe a vagabond
Is what I ought to be
Forever hoping
Always seeking
But never finding
Whom I was meant to be.

Yea, perhaps love is not for me.

Once, the world was perfect
As the leaves sway in spring time
And the cold breeze of the midnight air
Spikes some chills through our minds.

Once, everything was alright
Like a dream we forsee our future bright
Like a lullably from our mother's womb
Nostalgia hits our every line of sight.

Once, we were complete
No missing pieces to be found
No shattered dreams, no regrets
No poignant teardrops abound.

Perhaps time has betrayed us
Or perhaps it's the other way around
For non could've forsaken us
Except when we buried ourselves to the ground.

And life became unfair
After we stubbornly declared
Our innermost wars found in solace
To which we lost, to which we were impaled

But I dream of loving you
No matter what you've become
Oh life, when we see through visions' faith
We can see our world is perfectly gone.

Breathe, Chris

Breathe.




This too
Shall pass

It was an open interpretation
When you picked up the phone
I knew you can hear me talking
But I still felt alone

I wanted to express my emotions
In the hopes of winning you back
But your walls were fortified and strong
Unlike my broken heart, yours didn't even crack.

And time went slowly
As I verbalized my all
With tears witheld and hands clenched
I bare my heart and soul

And it took me a while to realize
A moment left to cry
For all the whys and the what ifs I've shed
Silence was your only reply...

My darling, I almost died.

It wasn't explained
And you were left
Thinking it was all your fault
Or that you didn't measure up
To her expectation.

So you stand there amazed, aghast, alone.
As the trauma hits you slowly.
You wanted to cry, or to shout, or to do both.
Yet you remain still...
Trying to comprehend
The reality you are now forced into.
As tears gently kiss your cheeks
Down to your shrivelled lips
Mumbling sounds
Trembling chest of unbelief
As your heart wants to break out of his cage
And try to run into her arms
As she slips away

It was too much

So you end up making
Your own sense of this nonsense
And try to rationalize the gravity of this predicament.

There are a million things going astray
Oh life why has though bent?
And the waves do not seem to ebb away
always drowning or grasping for breath

And breath, oh source of all my pain
instead of healing instilled, you hurt me again
for in my shadows of gloom a visitor arrives
a friend and a foe, so vaguely disguised

My arms are weak from fighting back
and my sinews are tired of lifting
my knees are wounded from too much bending
and my eyes have welled from too much trying

Oh cast away my soul in peace
if in peace I shall find my old self
and let me wither like the lost prodigal one
and let me oust my last gasp, and forever be gone.

Oh chaos, my chaos, I am tired
you've taken my anchor for the last time tonight

Again I lie
On my bed alone
A makeshift rest
For my weary bones
Again I fought
And lost the game
A lonely splendor
Never to be the same
My roots have fallen
Too ill to stand
For I was once a victor
Now barely a man
I found myself speaking
Just a few minutes ago
To my stricken mother
To boost my ego
In her smile so innocent
She bestowed her touch
Though her Alzeihmer's has struck her
I felt her love as such

Cover me oh night
As I lay on my makeshift bed
Cover me with your breeze
Silence the voices in my head

Shhh! no one listens
To you oh weary soul
They too have their own burdens
So you must carry your cross alone

Shhh! no one cares
To walk with you in your darkness
Oh how you would've showcased
Your shattered feeling of unrest

Shhh! no one demands
To hear your lousy side of the story
You are but a king turned to a beggar
An unimportant, forgotten memory

And Shhh! Thou must hide
And cover yourself with mud
It is ***** but fitting
To your tarnished blood!

Alas! no one hears
Or cares what you will end up to be
Alas! My heart be strong...
For in solitude you must be.

I need a hiatus tonight
A place to rest my head
As a night of forecasted shadows
Looms my weary bed

A place of tranquility and peace
As I beseech my soul to bow
As I fervently wipe away
This poison from my brow

And there will I forget
These loud noises that accuse
My worhtless importance as a brother
Of a son who once was mused

For my enemy has stolen and destroyed me
Now it tries to **** my treacherous life
I beg thee to forgive me
I beg thee to end my strife.

Oh hiatus I need thee
Whilst I'm shutting down tonight

Don't pity me my dear
Of my dreadful past
Or of my wounds that reveal
My emotions at last

When I glance at you
Every so now and then
And I see you smile back
Don't feel sorry for me again

Or when I try to express
My words of few
Don't pity me my dear
Don't feel sorry for you too

I know healing is what you need
Not another mistake
And I know the confusion it brings
And I know my rightful place

So all I ask is for you
To smile back like you do
You have nothing to fear
Pity me not, my dear.

And I like burning bridges
Regardless of their worth
For at the end of my dilemma
Is pleasures of sorts

So I shall burn this bridge I made
And not dwell in its mistakes
Its worth has not withstood
My ground as it shakes

I am either zero or one hundred
Nothing in between.
I either put you on a pedestal
Or the dirt hole you belong
You can be a goddess in my eyes
Or a *****. I don't care.

I wish I had a soundproof room
Where I can shout my woes
And cry my lungs out
Until the echoes of my heart
Can be heard no more

Where my past mistakes
And my present foolishness
Will be trapped between
The spaces and cracks of its acoustics

Where the remnants of
My fond memories dissolve
And escape will be
The reality I dwell in

And where my voices mixed
With my wailing agony
Becomes a symphony so beautiful
That burns my memory

My senses were alive
The smell of the air
The smell of your hair
Your skin touching mine
My cheeks resting upon yours

Time froze and I held
As tight as I could
As long as I could
I poured my breath
And summoned my every strength

To let you go.

Sa pagbuka ng liwayway
Kasabay ng sikat ng araw
Na dumadampi sa aking
Mga panaginip na ligaw

Minsan, sa aking pagbangon
Kasabay ng pagbawi ng unos
At paglubog ng ngiti
Ay mga luhang kusang umaagos

Minsan, sa kabila ng aking
Pagtingin at pagtalikod
Ay nawawasak ang aking
Mga matatatag na bakod

Paminsan minsan,
Naalala kita... tayo,
Naalala ko ang bawat lambing
Ng mga binitawang pangako

Minsan, bumubukas ang mga sugat
Minsan, lumalala ang bigat
Minsan, bunabalik ang nakaraan
Minsan, bumabaliko ang daan

Paminsan minsan, nakikita kita
Sa bawat sulok ng aking ala ala.

I saw in her eyes, passion!
Her lips, strength!
She taught me to use words,
as both a tool and a weapon!

Her ways were like no other
Her spirit was fierce
She became our fortress
She was our anchor.

Now, she is ebbing away
as dementia eats
her memories, her all...

Now I see in her eyes,
sparkling shades of joy
found in the innocence of a child

The words she taught me
I now return to her
filled with compassion

I have never seen her dance
ever so freely,
I have never seen her smile
ever so constantly.

Dementia has tried to erase
her strength and wisdom
but has failed to realize
that she is eternal.

When we no longer are bound
by our restless worlds
and when these foes surround
have turned their tempers cold
When my nightmares have turned
into dreams come true
After our hearts have been burned
from the sunset's dew
For there our souls will see
the eternal place of no sorrow...
so until our hearts run free
I will just love you tomorrow

I hope next time, I will be happy
I hope next time that my destiny meets your light,
the darkness caused by the pain of the past will fade.

I hope we will not cry like this anymore.

I hope the hurt will completely change.

I hope my world will also be your world.

And I hope our every night will have no sorrow.

Because I want to prepare,
A heaven for my love,
so that when you come,
your joy will be complete.

I hope.

I hope that next time...
We will no longer shed a tear

Sending bottles
emptied of filth
covered with tears
surrounded by rift

washed up onshore
in another land
picked and pruned
in another woman's hands

She opens and reads
the note I wrote for you
The girl I could've loved
and the hurt you never knew.

I will sing of my compassion
On a stage that I once owned
Where the spotlight once shone
Where our love was dethroned
And if you forget
if you dreadfully neglect
How your heart was once
In the comfort of my arms
At least through my song
Though it would take long
Look back at my eyes and see
That once, you loved me.

Sana sa susunod
Ako naman ay sumaya
Sana sa muling pagtatagpo
Ng aking tadhana
Sa iyong liwanag
Ay tuluyan nang mapawi ang dilim
Na dinulot ng mapait na nakaraan.

Sana hindi na tayo
Luluha ng ganito

Sana ang sakit
Ay tuluyang magbago

Sana ang mundo ko
Ay sya ring mundo mo

At sana ang bawat gabi nati'y
Wala ng dalamhati

Pagkat nais kong ihanda
Ang langit ng aking pagsinta
Para sa iyong pagpunta
Ay makumpleto na ang iyong ligaya

Sana

Sana'y sa susunod
Hindi na tayo ang luluha