I knew I shouldn’t have gotten attached to you
But I did
You left me behind so fast
Like I was nothing more than a coping mechanism
I should have known better
But I’ll still sit waiting patiently for the day you need me again

I remember that ride
Like it wasn’t years ago
Driving away from
My safe house
He tried to take me
Yet you still
Asked where I wanted to be
You said no matter what
You just wanted me to be happy
But now even when
I write out what I need
With the tears streaming down my face
You still tell me
No

I didn’t forget about you
Not for a single day
Your timer was still going
You recorded every second
I scrolled back in the calendar
I used to have you time me
Every day
For 24 hours straight
Give an hour
Between timers
And begin again
Each time
Was another to beat
Now I need to begin again
The fun games you play with my mind
I can make it longer every day
The game that made time seem
Nonexistent

Concern is all I felt for him
I knew I was doing the same
But he scared me
Taking glass from
His shattered phone
To go deeper
He questioned if I use the
Same coping mechanism
Because I would never show him
But why did I have to show him
To make him believe me?
Now every time
I think it’s not enough
I think it’s not truly bad enough
Because he can never see it

Why does it still hurt
To hear your name
I see your now active online again
Yet you spent the extra time to make sure
I know we aren’t family anymore
Why does it hurt
To see you hanging up lights
Outside your apartment
Why do I want to apologize
When there’s nothing to apologize for
I want you to message me
Saying you never meant it
Telling me I’m still your son
That you still want to hold me
Maybe it’s the end
I just wish it didn’t have to be

The pain has faded
Yet I still
Question if it was my fault
Maybe I said the wrong words
Maybe I pushed you to far
Maybe I made you do it
But
I have to remember
You chose to raise your hand
You chose to make a fist
You chose to strike me

It isn’t my fault

Maybe it doesn’t matter
...
There was more to that thought
But I don’t think it matters
The stars will keep shining
So any words
I write don’t matter
Any thing I do doesn’t matter

The most alone I’ve felt
When I know they are just a
Message away
I still have never felt so alone
Because I know that nothing can be done
With this emptiness

I don’t know how to tell you this
So I know you’ll read this
I broke my promise
But
Not badly
Does that make it better?
I didn’t know how to tell you in text
Every time I write you
I don’t know what words to use
I love you
Your my big sister
Not biological but close enough
And I am truly
Sorry
But I know that means nothing
Cause I did it on purpose
I could have not
But I just needed to feel
Something different

The same words over and over again
Normally I would hate it
But somehow
it reminds me of good times
Times when I didn't have to hurt myself
Cause you were there
To hurt me

Your the one person who is supposed to always give me it
From the beginning all the way to the end
Why am I looking in other places?
I create ways to cope
Your love is absent
So that means my food has to be
Your love is like a knife in my chest
So that means i have to bring a blade to my arm
Your love is so painful
Because it is never there
You only play theater when others are around

They say home is where the heart is
I lost my heart ten years ago
The missing posters still plastered up
Everyone stopped looking

One word misspoken
Leads to bruises that never heal
Yes it's no longer purple
But my mind still flashbacks to that day
You promised to never touch me
But now make me forgive you
For it being harder than you meant
That never takes away from the
Bruise you still created

I miss you
That’s all I can think of
I miss all of you
My mind was left behind
Now I am just a shell
Of a person
Walking around
Trying to convince others
I’m so much more

I don’t know how much I would pay
But I would give more than money
To have a pack
And be at your house
Giving you a hug
Getting to sleep in a room
That was meant for me
That has been set aside for me
I would still take one and enjoy
Each drag while sitting on your steps

Every night
Words I can’t even understand
At max volume
The lights left on
As I roll over
You shake me awake
Now I have nothing
To use to decide
If I’m making the right decision

Cold shower to cool me off from the
Burning heat
Staring at the shower head I blink
Spiders replace the water
Spraying onto me
All kinds of spiders
None I could name
I jump back knowing there’s nothing I could do
I close my eyes hoping it will go away
As the darkness from my eyes closing
Covers my eyesight the water turns brown
Once I open my eyes again everything is normal

Nothing had happened

It takes 1,000 words
To keep a secret
The world was supposed to be
perfect
When I was with you
My life shattered around me
While I held your image together
I was your final step
The last tool you needed to complete yourself I blamed myself for never
Being assertive enough
But what if I wasnt man enough
I didnt want to be hospitilized
Like the others
or worse be left alive
Continued to be tomrmented everyday by those I trusted
While you sat on that bus
lying to me

I messed up again
I made the same mistake
It didn’t feel as wrong in the moment
But now that I can see what I did
I know I messed up
I should have never told her about you
She can’t help in any way
And I missed you
Why would I make you leave again

Stop telling me it’ll be alright
It won’t
I found a metal flashlight
It had sharp points at the end
I dug it into my hand as hard as I could
Rotating with every breath
All my anger was put into my
Hand
The pain disappeared
I dug it deeper
I looked at the markings
They meant nothing to me
I just wished they had been worse

Why did I say that
I knew in the back of my mind
It was a lie

You told me to try other ways
I looked through the list
None of these would work

I’m sorry
But I lied
To myself and to you

I haven’t failed my promise yet
But at the first chance I get
I know I will
And that is a promise I can keep

One search away
I used to research for hours
Reading each label
Hoping one will have the answer
But now I have it
Clear skies
Everyone sound asleep
The blue swing I lay my head on
Staring at the stars
Taking them
One by one
Taking my last breath

My string has been getting pulled
For years
Slowly but surely
I’m become a red ball of yarn
Maybe I was poorly knitted
In the first place
No matter how well the craftsmanship
You found the loose end
To wrap around your hook
And crochet into
Any item you decided
You needed that day

Somehow I knew
Your words meant nothing
Your apologies
Were rehearsed
You made excuses but
I still was willing to accept it
Until you did it again
Several times
Why couldn’t you at least
Wait a few months
Then I could be tricked
That it was my fault

I can’t take it seriously enough
I’m so bad at this
Why can’t I just time it right
My mind loses
Track of numbers so fast
Yet I still can remember to smile
So you can feel better

Across the country
There is a safe haven there
No one can hurt us there
You said
I should have never believed you
There may be a war happening
At home
But you are killing me in silence

Sea shells
Collecting them on the beach
Trying to make jewelry out of sea ****
Who knew that one sea shell
On that coast
Would be the most beautiful one
Inside and out
Listening to the soothing sounds of
The wave’s crashes echoing forever
That shell sticks with me
Like true family
Even though I found it on that coast
Only a year ago