It takes 1,000 words
To keep a secret
The world was supposed to be
perfect
When I was with you
My life shattered around me
While I held your image together
I was your final step
The last tool you needed to complete yourself I blamed myself for never
Being assertive enough
But what if I wasnt man enough
I didnt want to be hospitilized
Like the others
or worse be left alive
Continued to be tomrmented everyday by those I trusted
While you sat on that bus
lying to me

Why does it still hurt
To hear your name
I see your now active online again
Yet you spent the extra time to make sure
I know we aren’t family anymore
Why does it hurt
To see you hanging up lights
Outside your apartment
Why do I want to apologize
When there’s nothing to apologize for
I want you to message me
Saying you never meant it
Telling me I’m still your son
That you still want to hold me
Maybe it’s the end
I just wish it didn’t have to be

Isn’t this supposed to be everyone’s favorite time of the year
Vibrant red orange and yellow leaves sprinkling the ground and covering the trees
Blueish gray skies causing a nice contrast to the leaves
Aren’t people are supposed to rake the leaves into a large pile and jump into it preparing for when the piles of snow arrive
I was always to afraid to jump into them never knowing what lay below the leaves

One word misspoken
Leads to bruises that never heal
Yes it's no longer purple
But my mind still flashbacks to that day
You promised to never touch me
But now make me forgive you
For it being harder than you meant
That never takes away from the
Bruise you still created

Stop telling me it’ll be alright
It won’t
I found a metal flashlight
It had sharp points at the end
I dug it into my hand as hard as I could
Rotating with every breath
All my anger was put into my
Hand
The pain disappeared
I dug it deeper
I looked at the markings
They meant nothing to me
I just wished they had been worse

I miss you
That’s all I can think of
I miss all of you
My mind was left behind
Now I am just a shell
Of a person
Walking around
Trying to convince others
I’m so much more

I didn’t know who you were
You knew who I was
Covered in old wounds that refuse to heal
I wish I knew
You were slowly picking at them
Watching them bleed
You were my second mom
The one who was supposed to be better
I guess I’m supposed to thank you
For the year I got to spend in lies
Thinking things got better with time
But now I know the truth
It doesn’t get better
So why do we keep fighting for this goal that we never reach
I wish I had known
I should have known

Why did I say that
I knew in the back of my mind
It was a lie

You told me to try other ways
I looked through the list
None of these would work

I’m sorry
But I lied
To myself and to you

I haven’t failed my promise yet
But at the first chance I get
I know I will
And that is a promise I can keep

The fence I used to walk through everyday
The lawn
My brother was brought to his knees at
You held him down
Yelling because he knew the truth
Years later you think none of that matters
When you are still drinking
You may have done worse things then
You are still an addict
You wonder why I can’t speak to you
Every time I write out what to say
All I can think of is
You
Laying on the king sized futon
While I watched
To make sure you would breathe
Another breath

I wanted to write you a letter that you may never receive so I could let all the words you need to hear no longer be trapped in my head. It seems all those who have encountered you have the same problem as me. You seem to always stay around when it’s convenient for you. When you leave it feels like something is missing your words become mine the thoughts you planted in my mind never seem to leave. They may be my thoughts perhaps I convinced myself you were the one at fault. Expecting you to apologize or at least say goodbye but every time you leave I’m left holding on to a piece of you waiting to see you again so I can return it. It seems you're always out of reach but close enough to let me know I’m with you. Maybe that is for the best. Shall we keep social distancing or shall we hold each other once again? You showed your true colors, am I willing to accept your faults and let you lie to me again? I know the right choice but it takes courage and energy that I have not obtained. Does that force me to take the wrong one or do I just sit in this limbo forever? This letter may never reach you. If it does please tell me the right choice because it seems I don’t have the answers.

Yours truly,
                  Fry

Tomorrow
Will come quicker
If I close my eyes
Tomorrow will be filled
With more false smiles
As I clench my jaw
Enduring the pain
In my head
Because I have to work so hard
To not make your day bad

Scrolling back weeks
Thinking I’ll find
Some word that will
Remind me why I’m here
But no matter how far I scroll
They seem to be empty promises
Left behind

I could write a letter
But what would I say
That my heart is in my hands beating?
No one would understand
It’s not just from missing him
He frustrated me to the point of
Destroying myself
I talked to him for only a day
He seemed like the piece
To complete the puzzle
I call me

It’s too full
Thirty eight hours
The record
My personal best
Why can’t I run that race anymore?

I messed up again
I made the same mistake
It didn’t feel as wrong in the moment
But now that I can see what I did
I know I messed up
I should have never told her about you
She can’t help in any way
And I missed you
Why would I make you leave again

I didn’t forget about you
Not for a single day
Your timer was still going
You recorded every second
I scrolled back in the calendar
I used to have you time me
Every day
For 24 hours straight
Give an hour
Between timers
And begin again
Each time
Was another to beat
Now I need to begin again
The fun games you play with my mind
I can make it longer every day
The game that made time seem
Nonexistent

With each beat
My anxiety rises
I took half a small pill
It’s supposed to make this feeling go away
But all I feel is
Anxiety
With every beat of
My heart
I wish it would stop beating

Your the one person who is supposed to always give me it
From the beginning all the way to the end
Why am I looking in other places?
I create ways to cope
Your love is absent
So that means my food has to be
Your love is like a knife in my chest
So that means i have to bring a blade to my arm
Your love is so painful
Because it is never there
You only play theater when others are around

Windows surrounding me
As I try to drift off
In the parking lot
Behind the apartment
You sleep so soundly in

My string has been getting pulled
For years
Slowly but surely
I’m become a red ball of yarn
Maybe I was poorly knitted
In the first place
No matter how well the craftsmanship
You found the loose end
To wrap around your hook
And crochet into
Any item you decided
You needed that day

Picking up a pack of
32
Using it all in less than a week
Yet you still thought it was fine
To take a break and leave me alone
Because you felt to much responsibility
I can’t keep blaming you
I should have never trusted
That you could be the person
You promised to be
I should have known you would leave

Every night
Words I can’t even understand
At max volume
The lights left on
As I roll over
You shake me awake
Now I have nothing
To use to decide
If I’m making the right decision

The numbers increase but my image has gone down
Five...from how close I was before
Ten...from my goal
Maybe it’s meant to be this way
Maybe I’m meant to feel this way
There’s seems to be no options
What else can I do
...
No one will ever respond

I remind everyone
Every day
How they deserve
Every good thing
And so much more
Yet I can’t justify
Me deserving anything
I do deserve
The life I’m stuck with
Why keep fighting to change it

I know you want a message from me
Or at least a call
But I can’t summon
The strength
To pick up the phone

I can’t take it seriously enough
I’m so bad at this
Why can’t I just time it right
My mind loses
Track of numbers so fast
Yet I still can remember to smile
So you can feel better

The flash blinding me from you
I told you so much about me with each picture
You weren’t like the others
You spoke to me
You treated me as human
I was so ready to let you use me forever
As long as it meant I could hear from you forever
Your words still echo in my brain
My message still unread
You never spoke to me again once you were done
Blocked
I’ll never hear you again
I’ll never get your “love” again
I just need someone’s
Yours truly felt like the right shape
To fill the whole in my chest

Twelve hours between each dose
I count out
Twelve and hold them in my hand
Small pills I call tic tacs
Twelve of them I could take all at once
Maybe then this nightmare would end
Maybe then I'd be held by you at
Twelve pm

This is what I wanted right?
To have it be gone
I don’t know why I even tried to make
Myself feel better
When as soon as I was happy
I tried to ruin it
Maybe this is all my fault
I keep putting the blame on her
But maybe I’m the reason I feel this way
I don’t want to make myself better
Because I want this to be
The end

I just want to cry
While you hold me

Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will make me feel
As though I don’t need to do this
That I can be okay without
Setting a number each day
Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will feel
Concern for me
Knowing I hate doing this
Why can’t I tell you

It's all so forgettable
Redacted from my mind
Sometimes I'm glad
But now I can never explain how truly
Bad it was