The numbers increase but my image has gone down
Five...from how close I was before
Ten...from my goal
Maybe it’s meant to be this way
Maybe I’m meant to feel this way
There’s seems to be no options
What else can I do
...
No one will ever respond

Sixteen
Never thought I’d be here
Now I’m not sure
If the next year is
Feasible

It’s too full
Thirty eight hours
The record
My personal best
Why can’t I run that race anymore?

The fence I used to walk through everyday
The lawn
My brother was brought to his knees at
You held him down
Yelling because he knew the truth
Years later you think none of that matters
When you are still drinking
You may have done worse things then
You are still an addict
You wonder why I can’t speak to you
Every time I write out what to say
All I can think of is
You
Laying on the king sized futon
While I watched
To make sure you would breathe
Another breath

The addiction
It’s began
Every day now I think of
When can I do it next
I end up doing it
Worse
And
Worse
Every time

The addiction
It’s began
Everyday now I think of
When I can do it next
I end up doing it
Worse
And
Worse
Every time now

With each beat
My anxiety rises
I took half a small pill
It’s supposed to make this feeling go away
But all I feel is
Anxiety
With every beat of
My heart
I wish it would stop beating

My hand empty now
But not washed of the pain I feel
To live another breath
Is to drink more poison
It slowly kills me

I know you want a message from me
Or at least a call
But I can’t summon
The strength
To pick up the phone

The flash blinding me from you
I told you so much about me with each picture
You weren’t like the others
You spoke to me
You treated me as human
I was so ready to let you use me forever
As long as it meant I could hear from you forever
Your words still echo in my brain
My message still unread
You never spoke to me again once you were done
Blocked
I’ll never hear you again
I’ll never get your “love” again
I just need someone’s
Yours truly felt like the right shape
To fill the whole in my chest

I thought I could handle it
They said it would be hard
But at first it was easy
I didn’t have to be in pain or lie

I stare at my reflection
And see change
No longer seeing something
That has grown
But the same old face from years ago
Staring back at me
Asking why I ever left

It's all so forgettable
Redacted from my mind
Sometimes I'm glad
But now I can never explain how truly
Bad it was

Scrolling past each name
Trying to not find the one
I could text
Hopefully one that could change my mind

I wanted to write you a letter that you may never receive so I could let all the words you need to hear no longer be trapped in my head. It seems all those who have encountered you have the same problem as me. You seem to always stay around when it’s convenient for you. When you leave it feels like something is missing your words become mine the thoughts you planted in my mind never seem to leave. They may be my thoughts perhaps I convinced myself you were the one at fault. Expecting you to apologize or at least say goodbye but every time you leave I’m left holding on to a piece of you waiting to see you again so I can return it. It seems you're always out of reach but close enough to let me know I’m with you. Maybe that is for the best. Shall we keep social distancing or shall we hold each other once again? You showed your true colors, am I willing to accept your faults and let you lie to me again? I know the right choice but it takes courage and energy that I have not obtained. Does that force me to take the wrong one or do I just sit in this limbo forever? This letter may never reach you. If it does please tell me the right choice because it seems I don’t have the answers.

Yours truly,
                  Fry

One word
It scares most
I've always been welcome to it
They just are doing a job
That has to be done
I'm sorry I know it hurts
But all things come to an end

Scrolling back weeks
Thinking I’ll find
Some word that will
Remind me why I’m here
But no matter how far I scroll
They seem to be empty promises
Left behind

Eyes in the back of your head
But somehow there not just there
You've plucked them
And snuck them into every corner
Every word I say
You can hear

Isn’t this supposed to be everyone’s favorite time of the year
Vibrant red orange and yellow leaves sprinkling the ground and covering the trees
Blueish gray skies causing a nice contrast to the leaves
Aren’t people are supposed to rake the leaves into a large pile and jump into it preparing for when the piles of snow arrive
I was always to afraid to jump into them never knowing what lay below the leaves

Windows surrounding me
As I try to drift off
In the parking lot
Behind the apartment
You sleep so soundly in

I wish I were better
The perfectly polished
Trophy
You always wanted
I wish I was gold shining
Bright enough
To blind you from
His scuffs
I wish I could
At least make
His life better

Green the last color I’ll see
It used to be your favorite
But that changed
Everything has changed
I wish there was some way
I could go back
To when things seemed better

The green bridge
Standing so tall
Hanging over me
While I lean over the edge
Turning around
And there is no where left to go
No one to call
Who could hear me
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
Maybe this is supposed to be how it ends

Picking up a pack of
32
Using it all in less than a week
Yet you still thought it was fine
To take a break and leave me alone
Because you felt to much responsibility
I can’t keep blaming you
I should have never trusted
That you could be the person
You promised to be
I should have known you would leave

Three letters
That’s all I need to send
But why is that so much harder
Than knowing I’ll have to say
Sorry
I need to talk to you
But I feel guilt knowing
Your one person
Taking on all my emotions
That’s so much for one person to carry
So knowing you’ll read this
I’m sorry your the only one
But thank you for being that one

I could write a letter
But what would I say
That my heart is in my hands beating?
No one would understand
It’s not just from missing him
He frustrated me to the point of
Destroying myself
I talked to him for only a day
He seemed like the piece
To complete the puzzle
I call me

If I disappeared
What would you do
What things would you destroy
What tears would you shed
Am I worth a tear to you
Will you understand that this is what
I need

I didn’t know who you were
You knew who I was
Covered in old wounds that refuse to heal
I wish I knew
You were slowly picking at them
Watching them bleed
You were my second mom
The one who was supposed to be better
I guess I’m supposed to thank you
For the year I got to spend in lies
Thinking things got better with time
But now I know the truth
It doesn’t get better
So why do we keep fighting for this goal that we never reach
I wish I had known
I should have known

Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will make me feel
As though I don’t need to do this
That I can be okay without
Setting a number each day
Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will feel
Concern for me
Knowing I hate doing this
Why can’t I tell you

Once a year

Like early Christmas

You explain to me how you’ll change

You say I need to tell you when your wrong

But when I do

You yell and get worse

This moment of rest will last

A few days to a few weeks

But someday it’ll all go back

So why should I stick around?