It takes 1,000 words
To keep a secret
The world was supposed to be
perfect
When I was with you
My life shattered around me
While I held your image together
I was your final step
The last tool you needed to complete yourself I blamed myself for never
Being assertive enough
But what if I wasnt man enough
I didnt want to be hospitilized
Like the others
or worse be left alive
Continued to be tomrmented everyday by those I trusted
While you sat on that bus
lying to me

Why does it still hurt
To hear your name
I see your now active online again
Yet you spent the extra time to make sure
I know we aren’t family anymore
Why does it hurt
To see you hanging up lights
Outside your apartment
Why do I want to apologize
When there’s nothing to apologize for
I want you to message me
Saying you never meant it
Telling me I’m still your son
That you still want to hold me
Maybe it’s the end
I just wish it didn’t have to be

I didn’t know who you were
You knew who I was
Covered in old wounds that refuse to heal
I wish I knew
You were slowly picking at them
Watching them bleed
You were my second mom
The one who was supposed to be better
I guess I’m supposed to thank you
For the year I got to spend in lies
Thinking things got better with time
But now I know the truth
It doesn’t get better
So why do we keep fighting for this goal that we never reach
I wish I had known
I should have known

I wanted to write you a letter that you may never receive so I could let all the words you need to hear no longer be trapped in my head. It seems all those who have encountered you have the same problem as me. You seem to always stay around when it’s convenient for you. When you leave it feels like something is missing your words become mine the thoughts you planted in my mind never seem to leave. They may be my thoughts perhaps I convinced myself you were the one at fault. Expecting you to apologize or at least say goodbye but every time you leave I’m left holding on to a piece of you waiting to see you again so I can return it. It seems you're always out of reach but close enough to let me know I’m with you. Maybe that is for the best. Shall we keep social distancing or shall we hold each other once again? You showed your true colors, am I willing to accept your faults and let you lie to me again? I know the right choice but it takes courage and energy that I have not obtained. Does that force me to take the wrong one or do I just sit in this limbo forever? This letter may never reach you. If it does please tell me the right choice because it seems I don’t have the answers.

Yours truly,
                  Fry

Isn’t this supposed to be everyone’s favorite time of the year
Vibrant red orange and yellow leaves sprinkling the ground and covering the trees
Blueish gray skies causing a nice contrast to the leaves
Aren’t people are supposed to rake the leaves into a large pile and jump into it preparing for when the piles of snow arrive
I was always to afraid to jump into them never knowing what lay below the leaves

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten attached to you
But I did
You left me behind so fast
Like I was nothing more than a coping mechanism
I should have known better
But I’ll still sit waiting patiently for the day you need me again

Picking up a pack of
32
Using it all in less than a week
Yet you still thought it was fine
To take a break and leave me alone
Because you felt to much responsibility
I can’t keep blaming you
I should have never trusted
That you could be the person
You promised to be
I should have known you would leave

I just want to cry
While you hold me

Everyday I see her or think of her I think of all the horrible things she’s done in our lives
But the one that sticks out always is my mom
Screaming ****** ****** at him and throwing a fork into the door
As he closed it trying to run away
Every morning waking up and seeing the fork still there
And my brother still gone
For a while not knowing where he was
Till I found out he was safe at my Grammys
One day the fork was gone and my brother eventually came back
He always came back to make sure I was okay
But the dent in the door even on good days I’d still look at it and not be able to move on from that day
I had seen my mom hit him
I seen her call him a *******
Yell at him
But never feel so angry
At the child she chose to have
That she willing to hurt him
In a way that would affect more than a few days
Her bruises are easy to hide
“I easily bruise”
“I get random bruises from running into things”
We could make up so many excuses
Stay there as her shinny trophies
On the stage next to her
Ready to preform in all her shows
Everyone remembers us as the best kids but he was always the one brushed off
He reached his age limit
I was still young enough to be the trophy to walk around with
The perfect kid
Who listened and stayed at attention always
Ready for your every command
Even at that age it felt wrong but I couldn’t  understand why
As I got older people grew up around few got glimpses at who she was trying to hide
The demon that she’s let take control
Most ignored some slowly distance
Now there people I can’t remember the names of
My mom would be proud of me for that
Some stuck around picked up on details and painted a picture showing exactly what that demon is
They were left behind
Never aloud to contact us again
Now her veil is gone the few staying close
Are the ones I fear
She thinks she can bring back the old friends but she forgets she now has someone pulling puppet strings
Or maybe this is truly who she’s always been
I just like to think I had it better before the day the fork hit that door

The numbers increase but my image has gone down
Five...from how close I was before
Ten...from my goal
Maybe it’s meant to be this way
Maybe I’m meant to feel this way
There’s seems to be no options
What else can I do
...
No one will ever respond

Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will make me feel
As though I don’t need to do this
That I can be okay without
Setting a number each day
Why haven’t I told you
Am I scared
You will feel
Concern for me
Knowing I hate doing this
Why can’t I tell you

My string has been getting pulled
For years
Slowly but surely
I’m become a red ball of yarn
Maybe I was poorly knitted
In the first place
No matter how well the craftsmanship
You found the loose end
To wrap around your hook
And crochet into
Any item you decided
You needed that day

A show I assumed
I would have breaks in between each one
But no this is one long movie
Never ending
No time to rest or reflect
I could pause it
Take a break
But somehow it’s entertaining
The chaos that I can’t even understand
Maybe the meaning is just that
We all get old
We all die
Time keeps moving without us
But that doesn’t explain it all
Maybe it’s not meant to be understood
Maybe we just sit through
Watching
Reacting
To each moment
Presented to us
Not aloud to fast forward or rewind
No matter how much we want to skip
This moment

Every night
Words I can’t even understand
At max volume
The lights left on
As I roll over
You shake me awake
Now I have nothing
To use to decide
If I’m making the right decision

I know you want a message from me
Or at least a call
But I can’t summon
The strength
To pick up the phone

I can’t take it seriously enough
I’m so bad at this
Why can’t I just time it right
My mind loses
Track of numbers so fast
Yet I still can remember to smile
So you can feel better

I messed up again
I made the same mistake
It didn’t feel as wrong in the moment
But now that I can see what I did
I know I messed up
I should have never told her about you
She can’t help in any way
And I missed you
Why would I make you leave again

The green bridge
Standing so tall
Hanging over me
While I lean over the edge
Turning around
And there is no where left to go
No one to call
Who could hear me
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
Maybe this is supposed to be how it ends

This is what I wanted right?
To have it be gone
I don’t know why I even tried to make
Myself feel better
When as soon as I was happy
I tried to ruin it
Maybe this is all my fault
I keep putting the blame on her
But maybe I’m the reason I feel this way
I don’t want to make myself better
Because I want this to be
The end

Green the last color I’ll see
It used to be your favorite
But that changed
Everything has changed
I wish there was some way
I could go back
To when things seemed better

I didn’t forget about you
Not for a single day
Your timer was still going
You recorded every second
I scrolled back in the calendar
I used to have you time me
Every day
For 24 hours straight
Give an hour
Between timers
And begin again
Each time
Was another to beat
Now I need to begin again
The fun games you play with my mind
I can make it longer every day
The game that made time seem
Nonexistent

I remember that ride
Like it wasn’t years ago
Driving away from
My safe house
He tried to take me
Yet you still
Asked where I wanted to be
You said no matter what
You just wanted me to be happy
But now even when
I write out what I need
With the tears streaming down my face
You still tell me
No

Somehow I knew
Your words meant nothing
Your apologies
Were rehearsed
You made excuses but
I still was willing to accept it
Until you did it again
Several times
Why couldn’t you at least
Wait a few months
Then I could be tricked
That it was my fault

The pain has faded
Yet I still
Question if it was my fault
Maybe I said the wrong words
Maybe I pushed you to far
Maybe I made you do it
But
I have to remember
You chose to raise your hand
You chose to make a fist
You chose to strike me

It isn’t my fault

My moment of solitude
You still
Find some way to send me your notes
No more than a picture
You still make me feel guilt
You still make me feel like I’m at wrong
Even though I am so far from you

Scrolling past each name
Trying to not find the one
I could text
Hopefully one that could change my mind

Tomorrow
Will come quicker
If I close my eyes
Tomorrow will be filled
With more false smiles
As I clench my jaw
Enduring the pain
In my head
Because I have to work so hard
To not make your day bad

Windows surrounding me
As I try to drift off
In the parking lot
Behind the apartment
You sleep so soundly in

I wish I were better
The perfectly polished
Trophy
You always wanted
I wish I was gold shining
Bright enough
To blind you from
His scuffs
I wish I could
At least make
His life better

I remind everyone
Every day
How they deserve
Every good thing
And so much more
Yet I can’t justify
Me deserving anything
I do deserve
The life I’m stuck with
Why keep fighting to change it

Scrolling back weeks
Thinking I’ll find
Some word that will
Remind me why I’m here
But no matter how far I scroll
They seem to be empty promises
Left behind

This is the end of
The story
It could be a happily ever after
But this is the wrong genre
I don’t live in a Disney film
There birds don’t sing
To keep me happy

The end