I have had positivity creeping in from my peripheral into my absolute attention, creating magnificent distraction from the skeletons that plague me, but I fear the possibility, and probability of its impermanence, a temporary state is a useless one to obtain. I need to focus on the long term target, changes on the next level, the one outside of this peripheral comfort zone. 'What are you so afraid of?' I wish I ******* knew.

Feelings, different. New yet familiar.
Fresh, refreshing. Have I met you before?
So far it seems I have met him in the one place I look least.
I have seen his attributes somewhere quite close: within myself.
Odd. Surprisingly comfortable, calm, easy.
This is very easy. Let's keep going.

pick your poison and choose your battles
love yourself and ignore the *******
inhale the good and exhale the bad
this is a guide to get rid of the sad

when you open your eyes you have to smile
and know that the effort is always worth while
everything good takes some time
the dark has to show before the sun can shine
embrace the moonlight and you'll grow stronger
just trust that the sadness won't last much longer

Some days are harder than others.
It's 1pm and I'm still in bed.
I don't know what to do with myself.
What do people do with themselves?
Empty minded.
Reaching for something without physical effort.
Mental pictures.
Hoping.
Moping.
I can't give in like this.
But what else is there to do?

But sometimes doesn't frequent the way the love stories make you out to be
Show me you know the difference between the boy in you and maturity.
I feel forgotten, like the jewelry in my wallet, swimming amongst valueless coins that will one day come in handy, so I keep them there in case exact change is the easy way out. Ironically, change is never easy.
I'm your easy way out. Here when you need me. Here when you want me. But I always want you. It isn't fair. Why am I an option? Why was she there? No one else has slept in my bed. No one else has appeared in my head.
Sometimes you're the one when you decide I'm worth your time.
Sometimes you're the one if you have nowhere else to hide.

But sometimes is not a word in fairytales
and I am a dreamer.

I don’t hate you
I should. I don’t.
there are words and sentences even I am afraid to utter
in the comfort of my own body in a pitch black room.

all eyes are on me
I’m not doing it fast enough
I’m not over you well enough
I can’t get enough
of your mid-morning embrace and the way it felt
when your eyes were only on me.

when I found out you ****** her, you were in the back of a police car
and I was more scared for your safety than the wholeness of my heart.
correction * when I found out you ****** my best friend,
my entire world went black

you have never said I’m sorry or I love you
without it sounding like a ******* curse and I can’t explain
what it means to know I have wasted these months
getting wasted for you to ******* like me

I was happy and carefree and high
off of sugary coffee and the fluorescent thought of you and I
that imprinted itself into the back of my skull.
you were all I thought about
pleasing you was not an option, but a command.

we had our ending, a late night on the same mattress
stained with memories and the girl I left here when you kissed me
the first time. I am not happy and you do not make me happy.
you make me hurt – I look at you and feel pain.

I don’t hate you. I wish I could. I don’t.
you have given me reason upon reason to hate every inch of your skin
but I’m loosening the strings that tug on my heart to let this go.
I’m letting go of the stranger I met, who corrupted me into thinking
I could put you before myself.

I am tired of being sad that I am not what you want
I have accepted I am not what you ever wanted.
I’m going to take that as a blessing, although it is heavily disguised.

(I wrote this about two weeks ago. Update: I ******* hate you, Ryan. I will never forget what you did and who you hurt.)

Yes this is my house, but this house is not a home,
i struggle to find my own among the ones who seem so whole,
i fear that ill never be half of whats asked of me
but who are they to preach about a life that they don't lead
if i ever taste defeat ill lick my lips and ill agree
that this time its mine and i know nothing comes for free
so shine like a dime, know it works itself out in time
as long as i keep sane in my mind i know that ill be fine
the biggest problem i can find is these bags under my eyes
heavy like i've been cryin, but im just high tryin
drinking fine wine in the sunshine for a lifetime
or maybe im just high daydreaming of when ill fly