looking for validation in others is a vicious cycle
think for yourself, i know you've got your hands full
but nothing good will come from bringing yourself down
and telling yourself that you don't deserve to be around
i know we all have doubts, but I don't deserve to frown
every day of my life just because I let you down

this turned out to be a day as horrible as the rest
just when i think life is good i get hit with another test
im a ******* loser who cant even maintain friends
without a thought in my head im cutting my loose ends
**** the fake ******* who call themselves genuine
I'd rather lose by myself than stick with them and win

i dont want to use it
but i can draw a perfect mental picture of it sitting in my kitchen
to the left of the stove in the top drawer, in front of silver oven mitts
i dont want to use it
but i dont know what can take this pain away and stop my chest from caving in and my sighs from getting deeper and my breaths from getting faster with less space in between them to relax
i dont want to use it
but i can no longer relax
i need to feel the pain
seeping out of my skin onto the floor where i've been too many times before
i am weak
but i am not that weak
i wont use it

ill keep a glass of wine next to my bed tonight
i havent eaten much today and it is very bitter
but its taste is sweet compared to the taste of defeat
i feel so defeated
my hair is getting so long and it helps me feel pretty
when i dont even want to look in the mirror
all that stares back at me is a disappointed face
wondering where i've run off to
but i dont know where i am or where ive been lately
ill shake my head no to the thought of finding myself
but that is just my lack of self speaking up
covering my mouth so i can't figure it out
soon enough ill push the hand away and be free.
soon enough ill have the courage to be me.

I am idling.
Energy escapes through the open window, while the window of opportunity remains cracked on the far side of the room.
A mountain of doubt so high, I'm afraid I may fall upon climbing.
Afraid I may fail upon trying.

one step forward
ten steps back
glass that's falling
will soon crack
it always gets better before it gets worse
but better isn't coming and i am a curse
falling forever like alice down the hole
breaking on the way down, ill never be whole
faith in tomorrow and faith in myself
isn't enough to escape from this hell

peaceful in my misery
if it's truly meant to be
contentment in despondency
no longer will i beg and plead
dont reach for me, i am not free