i'm not sure why
but when i'm waiting for the light to change so i can cross the street
i get this weird feeling.
not so much an urge to end my life but if i took one more step i could possibly end my life     right then and there.    
the opportunity right in front of me              i find it really thought provoking

i wake up and realize that just because it's a new day
doesn't mean your problems are all gone
sometimes i expect sleep to magically fix it all like in the books and fairy tales
but life ins't a fairy tale, it's a non fiction book that if you pick carefully it could be a great or terrible book.
and sometimes you don't get a say in what that book will be like
because every book is different for every individual

1:32am
when people ask me "what's wrong?"
their guess is just as good as mine because
it seems like what i'm thinking and
what i'm feeling isn't matched up quite right
and i feel crazy for thinking that
but there is no other explanation
     for the constant
                              numbness

Sometimes i'll try to write and no words will form on the paper
It't not because of writers block
I just don't like to think about what i'm actually thinking
Because then i'll know it's true.
They'll know i'm crazy.

i
hate how
you words send
shivers down my spine

i used to think there was nothing wrong with myself.
i used to listen to people complain about their thighs and stomachs.
while i was perfectly content with my body

i used to read about mental health illnesses
and wonder what it would be like to feel such sadness and to be so anxious

Now that is me. Reality has sunken in too quickly for me to realize what was going on.

I now look at my stomach in disgust and wonder how i got to be so "fat" and now i do have a mental illness.

My thoughts are foggy and I feel disoriented
But that doesn't stop me from thinking about you
After a while thoughts aren't just thoughts
They do things, they make me feel like this
This mess
Someone who can't stop themselves from being sad because of these thoughts
They control me
I don't just think about you anymore...
I think about the bad between us
The possible heart breaks and I doubt myself
Soon I'll be doubting you too
Why?
          Because of
                            my thoughts

i hate myself for not being able to speak about my problems and open up about them. i look at myself and think that if i do people will think im lying or wont understand. i dont have the courage to say half of the things that i need to say in person and some things just aren't meant to be said via text

I just need someone to listen.

a lot of the time i feel sad for no reason. which i personally think is the worst because you can't fix it. so sometimes i watch a sad movie to give myself a reason to be sad.
it's actually pretty,,, *sad