Eventually the self work becomes
Another abandoned dream
Because if you go deep enough within
You'll find your wall.

The wall is the limit.

You don't know how to push past this one, or even if you do,
You know you're a coward.
Or a victim.
Or a failure.
Or a loser.
Or whatever it is, you know that
You can't do it.
You've convinced yourself.
You stay miserable to stay comfortable.

The impossible wall, which really,
Isn't that impossible at all.

You just are stuck
In a looping perspective of fear.

Haven't mustered the courage to
Make the jump
Just yet.

Depression for me happens slowly,
And for some reason,
Has never quite felt like drowning.

More like a rut that turns into a hole that I've slowly dug myself into.

And then I hit rock bottom and look up to see where I am..
And in those moments, I become utterly shocked at what I've done. Then it gets worse when I tell myself "there's no way out."

"Oh how tall the grave."

It feels like an overwhelmingly empty pit that I'm stuck in.

So far down, so far away..

But I can see the sky, turning from night to day, night to day.

"I'm wasting time." I say.

I also see the light though,
The light at the end of my upwards tunnel and somehow I always get out because it leads the way.

Yet I dig another.
And another..

It is exhausting.
To be so unwillingly, accidentally, repetitive.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I'm further than 10ft under but will get so tired that I can't fight it anymore and maybe someone will look in to see a skeleton, and bury me
Once and for all.

I've been playing tug-o-war
For so long.
Going back and forth.
Between pros and cons.
Between loves and fears.

And it's finally exhausted me.
It's brought me down to my hands and knees.
Burnt palms and aching feet.

I drop the rope of trying.
I drop the rope of pleasing.

I stop the yelling,
I stop the pleading.

I can see no amount of words
No actions or revenge,
No love and patience,
Could ever bring me anywhere
Except back to The End.

I don't think I have it in me
To let go of all I resent.

It poisoned me long ago
And I waited to find content.

I worked for it day and night
And saw nothing in return.
No change permanent enough to ever make it work.
Now I'm drained completely
But I didn't go out without a fight.

I hope doing everything exactly
The way you wanted
Without even trying to change
Was worth it all.

Worth it all.