i wanted to to press our lips
                                       into a pent-up swollen kiss.
this isn't what i wanted....
                                                      i wanted you.
i wish the cravings would
                                               stop. 3 A.M. needs are no good
for me.


                                    is there a stronger word than i miss you?

Make me want you every day
Nothing but you
Who am I?
Wake up alone
And I claw at my skin
Covered in traces of you
And who am I?
Addict.
I am nothing without you
The world closes up
Without you dripping in my veins
Crave each touch
You have me begging on my knees
“I’ll let the bad parts in.”
Addict.
Hazy vision
I’ve lost my way
I stumble into walls
With your voice dancing in my head
And I fall down
                      down
                            down
Into the abyss.
Craving your touch
Makes everything else lack meaning
Is this a way to live?
Addict.
This love is all-consuming,
Leaves me raw and screaming.
Pushed down and drowning
Can’t come up for air--
Is this love?
I crave you and you fill me up
You pour yourself in me
And I claw my way along
To take yet another hit of you.
Addict.
The sun’s been gone for days
Or weeks, or years;
I can’t tell when I’m living in a world
Revolving around you.
The fog settles all around
The haze has filled my mind
There is one last question
That I grasp to, desperately:
Where did I go?
Addict.

before you attempt to date me
i want you to know
that though i may be beautiful
and though i may smile at the right moments,
i am nothing but
someone addicted to love.
and that i can put on a show
that will be given nothing but 10/10
but please remember that that's all it is:
a show.
because there has already been someone
where you want to go
there has been someone
(who is a stranger to you)
who has kissed my scars
and told me he would marry me.
he has made me ***
four times in forty seconds,
but i promise i won't compare.
even if he did wear magnums
and go down on me
every time i asked
(no, i promise i won't compare)
but anyway,
the reason i bring this up
is that nothing you do will be new to me
and you can think you're good
and you can try and change my mind
but you won't.
and i can honestly say that i don't think you'll try all that hard
because i am a sad girl
and boys get tired of those
faster than they'll admit.
(god, do i know)
they would rather date someone
who will give them what they need
and be nice and sweet and lovely
than be with someone like me
who craves love
the way addicts crave
their next pick me up
someone like me
who cuts her skin for fun
just to see the blood
run down my arm
and feel something other than
him.
inside my head
my heart
every part of me
pushing whatever is left of me out
letting him just take over,
****** every thought.
i simply cannot forget
the love that we had
so if you want to date me
go ahead.
but i just want you to know
that it will never just be you and me
no matter what you do
there will always be three.

it's 1:30 AM
and i am alone in the dark.
but if i say your name three times
and spin around softly
will you
appear,
kiss my lips,
and stay with me forever
like you promised?

Contrast of colors
Ever changing morning
To afternoon
Azure and alive
Cerulean and so
simple
Whipping wind
resists my skin,
my body,
it tries to get past me,
quickly, quickly
tries to hold my hand,
says
"Get up and play with me."
the sun smiles
sadly
she says "I am here
but you cannot feel me
the wind is stealing
my song."
i do not mind
so much
the wind is free
and running
much like i want to be

one, two, three, four
you each got
nothing.
deserved
nothing.
because i was an empty body
trying to find peace
with no one
but myself.
one, two, three, four
there was nothing to do
but be there
until i couldn't be
anymore
one:
you saved me
you truly did
you were what i needed
at the time
but you are not
what i need
now
two:
i think of you
and it almost
makes me
***
almost.
three:
you never knew me
you never tried to.
what else is there to say?
four:
you are a liar
and will remain so
until someone
beats you
at your own game
one, two, three, four
the could've beens
the might've beens
the never-will-bes
and I am okay with that
most of the time.

i remember when we smiled
through the phones
and we wondered
what it'd be like
to hold each other close--
and it was such a far away dream
of a happiness
that i had never known
and when i saw you
standing
real and tall
your skin,
dark to my pale,
caressed the bracelets of scars
i wore as badges
of honor
and you held me
like i was something precious,
a feeling i'd never known
and it all just felt so real
and endless
and i closed my eyes wide
to all your faults
just to keep that feeling
for a little bit longer
and you smiled and held me
clinging to my skin and
to the thoughts
of a future
that we would never have
and now snippets pass before my eyes
of years later
like the snips upon my wrist
the same wrist that you kissed
the wrist that now
wears a bracelet of your name
etched into a scabbed memory
of screams and decay
of a once first love.
but there was still a day
where these carvings weren't real
and all that mattered was your eyes
finding mine
and for a moment
in your arms,
i was warm.

It's true she has expensive taste
Covered in designer from head to feet
But they say she's a cheap date
Because she'll never ******* eat

blue eyes meet mine
and i know there is something
hidden behind covert glances
and accidental touches
and i have to struggle
to remember the reason i am
here. and it is not
to stare at your lips
and hope that you
have thought about
mine. i tried to stay
away from you, but i am not
good at counting my
blessings. i've been known
to take more
than my fair share
and pretend that i am
painfully innocent,
with wide eyes and curls
that make angels jealous.
but truth be told, i am
no such angel, and
i lusted at first sight
and carried your name,
a devil's flame, bursting
into my heart. the dark nights were
brightened and i hoped
that i could use
my ways to make you
fall, trip down into my
rabbit's hole. i didn't mean
for it to go this far
but then, maybe i did.
since there's something
inside of me, an ache i cannot
name, that has left me feeling
reckless and restless.
but i'll try to remain
in control, the angel in
the rabbit's hole, and i will
keep you and me and this at bay
even as the desire to let
go overwhelms me.

her brazen skin
comes around here
every once in awhile

her eyes like a snake's,
green and sly
seem to smile, all on their own

her body is supple
and inviting
open and waiting

they whisper about her
and her not so moral ways
and they wait in line
to use and abuse
and sneer
and go away

did you know that she craves love
as much as you do?

been lying in bed for days,
skipping class and looking at
razors. can't help but feel
like the bad times are back
again and i don't know if i'm
cut out for this. been looking
in the mirror and all i see
is a girl of glass and i think
i might break this time.
constant headaches make
sleeping easy and living hard.
i don't know what to do right
now but i know that i can't
keep going like this.

i raised my hands in defeat
and tried to keep you
away from me, but it never worked.
i lost days trying to
convince you that i was yours
but you couldn't see me
through eyes clouded over
with smoke. without you
life lost its luster and
it’s never quite gotten it back
but at least life without you
means that i can wear my
face a little less black and blue.
but i would have worn
the bruises forever
if it meant you
would touch me.
people shouldn’t behave like that.
and you took advantage of the way
i lost my mind whenever you said
my name. but i know better
now. life lost its luster but
you’ve lost your power
over me. i saw you once or twice...
but i’m better now, okay?
bruises clear and i’m not going
through this anymore.
touch me again,
i’ll cut your head off

they say i'm like a doll,
with porcelain skin and
fragile limbs, but i'm not
the one sitting complacently
by my bed. he came
in a box, and he smiled
the same plastic smile
every time i played
him. i smiled too,
and the way he sat
by my bed every night
gave us plenty of time
to play. but i only want
what i can't have, and
his plastic smile faded
as i found new toys and carried
them into bed. he kept waiting,
patiently, since it's so hard
to tell when you've been
outgrown. but he noticed
that new plastic smiles
kept looking back at him,
sitting by the bed. he noticed how
i only ever came around
when my bed was empty and
my heart was full. and then
he'd fill me up, because
that's what boy toys do.
they say i'm like a doll,
but when you play with porcelain
limbs, you always end up
stepping on the pieces.

If you were to die
I'd whisper
"Bury me away
with you."
If you were to take the train
And ride,
far away
I'd whisper
"Carry me away
with you."
And if you were
sitting in a jail cell
with nothing but the clothes
on your back
I would sit with you
and whisper
"I've never felt richer
than when I have you by my side."
Carry me away,
bury me away
Leave me in toil and trouble
In a rotting, swollen mess
of pain and misery
and if I am with you
I will smile still

i was lucky when i found you
nothing more, nothing less
than being at the right place
at the right time
but we have moved passed that
and i have grown so luckless
and loveless
that my eyes have glazed over
with drops of salty water
that have not been thrown over
my shoulder
so i will need to avoid
black cats and
the Scottish play
and endless other things
and i will hold on
to four leaf clovers
and rabbit's feet
because i need all the luck i can get
when it comes to loving you

Creep through the roses
Who is there but me?
Everyone else is dead
Snatching at my roses
Rotten flesh, shells of flowers
Something isn't right here.

we talk
and fight,
kiss and make up.
we hold fast to
the hurt
we cause ourselves
and it piles on
like raked leaves
on an autumn
day. the colors
swirl in patterns,
and sometimes
we see golden
yellow, like the hair
that streams down
my back.
sometimes we see orange,
a sunset streaking
through your black curls.
but mostly,
we see red.

if our words had
a color, it would be
red. the garnet
colored phrases cut deep
and make us believe
we are better off
alone.
but sometimes...
your ice eyes
meet mine and
i freeze
and just look
at you.

and it's in these
moments
that i realize
you are all
the colors,
every day and all
the time, and that
if i were alone,
i would be gray

to need; desire.
the feeling of perfect bliss
just out of your reach

do you remember crazyland?
do you remember when we swore the only time
we'd get to hold each other
was when (and if) we reached that mystical place?
and how for years we craved it
and to this day know of its power?
do you remember how we longed for it?
"thirty seven years and twenty-six days"
do you remember crazyland?
where we could be ourselves
and where you were mine
and i was all yours
i promised you
that if we ever made it there
i would let you inside
and never let you back out
"i would take you" "i would let you"
i promised you
that you would be my last everything
i craved you more than
i have ever craved anyone
i scratched at my heart
since it would only beat
when you were around
and so
i tried to remove it
thinking it was the only way
to feel at peace without you
do you remember staying up all night
telling each other our deepest secrets?
now we know them all
i never want to hide things from you.
i promised you the world
i promised you ever part of me
and you did the same.
i promised you forever
in this promised land,
this crazyland,
and i promised you
that
crazyland
would be much better
than
here

red
     red
          red
drips



down.


and i am alone again
with elegant designs
all over my arm
a reminder of the mess
that i have caused
a reminder of the pain
that is my fault
a reminder that i
am terribly
depressed
disappointed
and lonely
no matter how hard i
try

You raised your hand to me
And when you were done
You put it down and said
"Never again."
But I saw your eyes
And there was nothing but
Hatred
And the promise of
Next time.

i imagine knocks on doors
and whispers in my ear
i imagine things that aren't possible
as long as you aren't here
i can close my eyes
and feel you next to me
when i close my eyes
it's you i see
you are a fever
that won't burn away
and there's no reason i can give you
that will make you stay
nothing makes me sadder
nothing makes me happier too
than this fever inside of me
i am delirious from loving you

i began to accept
that life was different now
and that i would never
taste your lips again
and that someone else
would feel the flush of your cheek
and the warmth of your smile.
and yet
as soon as i threatened life
with my weak strength
and my forced contentment,
as soon as i pushed forward
through the looking glass
into a life i never imagined
here i fell
right where i wanted to be,
all along.
this was a long-winded journey
to the same spot
i was at
several times before
and yet
i cannot say that
i am sorry things
turned out this way
because it is hard to imagine
your lips tasting as sweet
if i had just taken
the empty, concrete path
that we had been on
before

make me a ****
**** me up
make me believe
i'm not worth anything
i can be your *****
if you promise not to leave
i'll let you ***
all over me
close your eyes
and it's me you'll see
lying beneath you
while you're crying out
in ecstasy
heaving chest,
naked breast
don't believe in what they say
they don't see what we do in the dark
they don't hear what you ask of me
and they don't see my response
i'll get on my knees
and i'll beg the way you like
you'll never find another *****
like me

He asked if he could date her
She said she was too young
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to kiss his neck
She said she didn't know how
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to give up her dreams
She said she didn't want to
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to take off her clothes
She said things were moving too fast
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He pushed himself inside
She said, "No."
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He got up and he left
Without a glance behind
She whispered,
"Don't you love me?"

Thoughts that don't go together
It smelled like summer
May air everywhere
Can we stay like this forever?
You are mine
There is no speaking
Only feeling
Body and soul.
You held my heart
And it wasn't pretty
A sea of scarlet
A pile of mush
A bent up heart
Still beating.
We are a storm
You are an ocean
I am a swimmer
No match for your power
You carry me away
Swallow me whole
Until I cannot breathe
Cannot sleep
Cannot live
Outside of you.
The eye of the storm came
And I had a chance to leave
I was thrown onto the shore
Given a chance to turn away
I look you in the eye
The vastness of your blue, green, gray, spectacular--
I look at your waves
Starting to grow
Fierce
Violent passion
Is it a risk I'm willing to take?
The dark water comes closer
And I know that if I follow
I will not come back
And I beg you with my eyes
"Push me in,
Push me in."

i fall in love with painted words
the meaning has no meaning
as long as they are beautiful
empty words
spoken in a sincere voice
by someone i love
mean everything.
and then i am forever
questing to hear
your masterful phrases
devoid of all meaning
just one more time.

Little ****** had her work cut out for her
But she did her best
To break him down
Turn him into something
That she could use
To destroy herself

If only it hadn't worked
Quite so well
Maybe she could have had him
For a little bit longer.

july 1st, 2010
when your eyes met mine
for the very first time
i could not breathe
and every look at you
that i stole
made me feel like
i was alive
for the very first time

july 21st, 2010
i found you again
i steal your eyes
pin them with mine
there is someone between us
but it is as if he was not there
you leaned on me
and i leaned on you
and there was love
hanging in the dusty air

january 15th, 2011
i see your eyes
they crave mine
they whisper to me
"run away, run away"
i see your eyes
and they crave mine
and i do not know
what will come of this
but i do know
that nothing
will ever
be
the same.

may 13th-14th, 2011
your eyes are begging me
and mine are pulling you in
your brain pushes away,
runs away
but my heart emanates
a force so strong that
you come to me in the end
and together
we ***

june 16th, 2011
this is heaven
this is bliss
this is everything
i ever imagined
and more
you are everything
i imagined
and more
did i die
and go
to heaven?

and then came
two years of
ups and downs
and side to side
we are everything
and nothing
at the same time
we fight too much
and make up too quickly
no one was ever as lucky
as i was
to have you
in my heart

the silence

love is dead
and i am too

september 19th-22nd, 2013
here we are
trying to start anew
we try and try
but the passion
cannot be replaced.
the eyes that once tugged at mine
seem so empty inside
the eyes that shone with love
now barely spark
at all

and now it is december
and i'm trying to remember
and
the days whir by
one after another
here we are
and we are still
together
we can kiss
and touch
and ****
and yet
when i look into
your eyes
all i see is
mistrust
all i taste is
sadness
all i want is
love
but all i feel is
alone.

i reached heaven too early
my peak was long ago
i took a hit of love
and it kept me high for years
but now the smoke has cleared
and i am all alone

Number One
i kissed you in a ditch
and you liked it
you tried to take me in the woods
i didn't like that

Number Two
you kissed me in front of two hundred people
and i liked it
i didn't let you **** me in your bed
you didn't like that

Number Three
you kissed me in your bed
and we liked it
number two found out
he didn't

i was fourteen
when you kissed me
in a ditch. you had a
girlfriend and i had
a problem but it didn't matter.
the party was quiet
and everybody knew who
we were as you dragged me
toward the woods and i giggled
like you were a boy band
and i had a VIP pass.
we kissed in the dark
and i never once thought
that you wouldn't want to
look at me in the daylight.
i never once thought that
three days later you would hit
me so hard that my teeth
rattled or that you would
tell me that my legs, built like
twigs, were logs or that you
would look down on me
and call me a *****.
i was fourteen.
i'd been hungry for love
for years and you only starved me
more. kept me in the corner
and gave me scraps when you
were finished. i wanted you
and you wanted to hurt me so
i let you.
i was fourteen.

pick up your snapback on your
way out, and use your cheap ***
compliments on the next girl. you played
your game but i played it
better. you asked me to make you
a sandwich, so i gave you
the finger. all you said was
when and where, so i’ll show you
the door. since you're not worth
the bedroom, especially when
i already have a jackhammer.

You are God's apology
When He made hurt
He made your eyes
And when He made hunger
He made your smile
And when He drenched the towns in sin
He was busy making your heart

You are God's apology
For a world gone wrong
Because the way your hair
Flickers in the wind
Makes everything okay again

I'm going shopping
For a boy with a smile
That can melt the ice in me
I'm going shopping
For a boy who can hold
My pain that's grown so heavy
I'm going shopping
And looking all around
For a boy who will pick me up
Whenever I fall down
I'm going shopping
With my big shopping cart
For a boy out there somewhere
Who will take care of my heart

slashes on my wrists
with my mouth open wide
gasping for air
and hearts shoved inside
choke on the blood
passion, lust, love--
happiness is
red drips
at the bottom of
a bath tub.

i'm writing poems
you may never see
because they'd hurt your feelings
and break your heart
but i love you
until i can't anymore
(which is never, of course)
and you'll love me
with or without
a hazy cloud of smoke
dancing around your head
and i will stick around
and wave the cloud away
and gently kiss
your forehead

i'd been crawling toward redemption
and i'd almost made it there
when a detour to nowhere
sent me straight into the air
take a hit, take a hit
i never wanted to be like this
but when you left me you took my soul
this smoke is all i have left
the haze that i brushed away from you
is surrounding me instead

the house burned down
with me inside
you were gone
and i was left behind
you lit the flames
locked the door
and let the smoke cloud over me
you were gone
and i was left so far behind
your eyes were stained glass windows
cracking
they burst in the heat
you ran away and
the house came down
on top of me
you were gone
and i was left far behind
and i gathered up the ashes
and swallowed them whole
i wondered if they'd help me
find your soul.
you came back
bearing flowers bathed in ashes
to this desolate lot
and there was nothing left but me
trying to pick up pieces
too small to even see
trying in vain
to put the house back together,
the house of you and me
but everything was buried in gray
and it stained my soul
you came back
to where you left me
and i was still there digging
still there singing your song
but you had picked a new tune
that did not cause the heat
to burn up inside you
you tried to touch me
the way you used to
but it was then that we learned
that i was still on fire
and that you still could not bear to touch me
you stayed there
solemnly
when you had a moment to spare
to come to my gray tomb
my ancient, hallowed burial grounds
of you and me
the house is gone
the fire has long since burned out
but i still carry it inside me
and it makes me painful to touch
you come back sometimes
and i let you stay close
but i still burn you,
and i know
that the day will come
when you will not return
and i'll still remain here
picking up the ashes
of a love lost longer ago
than i'd like to admit
and you will walk away
cold as ice
but the fire will never burn out
in my mind
our house burned down
with me inside
you were gone
and i was left far behind

your breath
mingles with
mine
and i can hear your
solemn sigh
your sweat
flicks on me
but i don't mind
'cause i can feel your passion
and it's getting me off
tonight
i can feel you
inside
and all i can do
is close
my eyes
and get lost in this
ride
since i only feel fine
when you're on top
and
i'm open,
wide

Hello Alone, old friend
I always knew you'd come back again
You could not stay away, I see
And so you're here, haunting me
You brought along your friends, those three
Named Sadness, Confusion, and Misery
You all go through my heart's debris
Dancing around in endless glee
Singing, "No one is as sad as she"
I wish that you would let me be
Hello Alone, it's you, old friend
I always knew you'd come back again.

wear the same perfume
every day. make sure that
it's in all of the stores, and
that perfume ladies use it
in the door ways at the mall.
make sure that
his pillow will smell like you
long after you're gone.

hold his pinky finger
instead of his whole hand
and then, whenever
someone makes him a promise,
he'll remember your palm
on the smallest part of him.

make sure to tell him your favorite
movies, and books and songs, too.
so that every time he goes
to the store, or reads, or turns on the radio...
he'll hear you whispering in his ear.

when you go (and you will),
leave without a trace
and keep him wondering
because without an ending,
a story lasts forever.

Hush,
No one can hear you
No one can love you
So trust me,
trust me
I will love you
I will go inside
I will make you right
Everything is perfect
for me.
Don't scream,
don't scream.
No one can hear you
I love you.

My brain is an autopsy
Observing your
Remains
Turning them over
And over
Trying to make sense
Of what you left behind
My body is your body
My hands could be yours
Only they are full of life
And yours feel cold in mine
My heart is a eulogy
It remembers only
The things I loved about you
It refuses to acknowledge
How the story really ends
My lungs are a graveyard
I breathed you in
But I cannot
Breathe you out
I am your tomb
And in me you'll remain
And maybe it's me
Who's buried after all

i wonder what would happen
if we were alone and in bed
and i craved you enough
to reach out and give
you a kiss. i am curious
and small and i could
use someone like you
to teach me how to
****.

i didn't cut myself today
are you proud?
are you going to pat me on the back
and say,
"good job"?
are you going to smirk and say
"i told you that you could control it."
are you going to eye my wrist
and heave a huge sigh of relief
and treat me very carefully?
are you going to give me a reward i don't want?
i didn't starve myself today
are you going to thank me profusely
and give me yummy foods to eat in front of you?
are you going to hug me and say
"darling, you look so healthy!"
i didn't hurt myself today
my body is healing
and you are pleased
you treat me so delicately
or so nonchalantly
as if everything i do
is either a huge accomplishment
or nothing at all
but
that's not what i need right now.
i need to say
"i didn't cut myself today"
and i need you to look at me
and kiss me
and tell me
that even if i had
you would still be here
kissing me

She looked at me
With question marks for eyes
And she asked me one thing
With eyes so innocent
And curls so fair
She looked at me and said
"How do you love?"
And I looked at her
With tears dripping
And I whispered quietly
"One day you will know."
She rolled her eyes
And walked away
And I couldn't blame her
But there was nothing else to say
And I looked after her
With stained glass eyes
And I whispered once again
"One day you will know"
Only this time I didn't stop there.
And as she walked away
In stockings as quiet as a whisper
I told her the truth that
She was never too young
To know
Only too blissfully ignorant
To understand.
One day you will know,
But by then it will be too late.

I used to cling to "I love yous"
like they were the only things that mattered
I would wait months just to hear those words
One more time.
I became addicted
And I placed them under my skin
Pumped them in
One by one.
I finally became
A daily user of the phrase
And a daily recipient, too.
I never thought I would tire
Of the words
Dancing inside of me
Over and over again
And you knew it, too.
It got to the point
Where "I love you"
Was the only thing
You could say to me.
I became numb to the phrase
But I craved it even more
And I grew delirious
As the words
Built up inside of me.
One day I woke up
And I looked you in your the eyes
And you said "I love you."
But I was out of room
In my "I love you" bloated heart.
Yet an emptiness filled me and
I asked you "why?"
And all you could do
Was stare at me blankly
For you had long before
Forgotten the answer.

i'm flirting with a boy
for the sole reason
that i am desperately lonely
and i want the attention
that he is so willing to give me
i'm flirting with a boy
because it makes me feel wanted
and that is a feeling
that you forgot to give me
long ago
i'm flirting with a boy
and i think i'll break his heart
not because i want to
but because you do not want me

your name is
etched in my skin.
all i can do
is try to scratch
it out,
but that only leads
to inflammation
of the JAGged letters
spelling out all
that is left
of teen love
on fire.