thought i was over you and
then suddenly i wasn't. and i ached
for minutes that felt like
hours and pressure was building in
my bones, making me feel like they
might break free. i lay on my bed, delirious--
dreamed that my skeleton would leave
skin behind and that my
my heart would be all out and i would be
all over you.

they say i'm like a doll,
with porcelain skin and
fragile limbs, but i'm not
the one sitting complacently
by my bed. he came
in a box, and he smiled
the same plastic smile
every time i played
him. i smiled too,
and the way he sat
by my bed every night
gave us plenty of time
to play. but i only want
what i can't have, and
his plastic smile faded
as i found new toys and carried
them into bed. he kept waiting,
patiently, since it's so hard
to tell when you've been
outgrown. but he noticed
that new plastic smiles
kept looking back at him,
sitting by the bed. he noticed how
i only ever came around
when my bed was empty and
my heart was full. and then
he'd fill me up, because
that's what boy toys do.
they say i'm like a doll,
but when you play with porcelain
limbs, you always end up
stepping on the pieces.

i wonder what would happen
if we were alone and in bed
and i craved you enough
to reach out and give
you a kiss. i am curious
and small and i could
use someone like you
to teach me how to
****.

it's been awhile since i could get
to sleep. i've been tossing and
turning like a ship caught

in a storm and all i can think about is
the way you looked at me like
i was something more.

i remember the moment
it all became a game,
how our hands grazed each other, just

barely. an intake of breath escaped me, and that
was all you needed to know that i was not
immune to your touch. we began

testing the waters, trying to see
who would be the first
to break when the waves got rough.

i guess i won. you've gone to shore
and i'm still out at sea, trying to live
in a past that's long gone. we used to talk

at midnight, and i told you that one day you'd
be nothing more than a ghost
in my head, one more scar

on a wrist that's about to give out,
since i may talk the talk, but
it's so hard to walk when i'm carrying all

these ghosts inside me that
only want to pull me under.
you're the one who lost

the game, but i'm the one
who's drowning. so who's the real
winner after all?

once i told you
that one day you'd haunt me...
now you do.

she's all stitched
together, but she's falling apart
at the seams. she's a raggedy ann made up
of despair and button eyes. clumps of hair
fall into her hands, but she won't
admit that something's wrong,
even as she tries to throw up
everything she hates about
herself. only food comes up,
but that'll have to be good
enough. she watches the numbers go
up and down, until her feet barely
have the strength to step
on the scale. her eyes are vacant,
dead and black. her smile is stitched
on, a crooked red mess of yarn and
blood. her ribs are showing, and when
the mirror finally admits that
there's a gap between her thighs, she only smiles
slightly before biting her lip and
noticing the extra skin around her
shoulders. bits of her brain have been worn
thin from lack of sleep and love. she used to cut  
herself until the knife got too heavy
and her arms got too weak to take
the little nicks to the wrist without
threatening to take her whole. on
thanksgiving day, she hid in the bathroom, head
down, with no blessings to count. on christmas
she gave santa all her cookies and sat under the
tree, drinking hot chocolate with cold hands
and pale lips, and a throat so scarred
she could hardly swallow. one day, her tooth fell
out, and she smiled, hiding it under her
pillow, knowing that soon she'd be falling
apart in oh, so many ways. she's a ragged
doll, with stitches all up and down, until
the day she finally cuts the right knot, when
she'll begin to unravel and brittle
bones will fall to the floor with a clatter
and her soul, forever trapped in a cage of
ribs and skin, will finally be free.

white stocking feet, black bow
askew. lips ruby red, she waited
for you to come. she leads you
by the hand, etches her name
into your heart with the
razor of which she's grown
so fond. she smiles
with those garnet lips, the ones
that match her arms and the gentle
drips that slide down your chest.
she moves in with her hips,
those hips that beg
to be touched, and you look her in
the eye. her mouth opens,
tongues collide, but then she pulls
away, whispers in your ear
"you don't know
who you're dealing with" and slips
away, a thief in the
night, a starry-eyed
temptress, a
white stocking devil

you are the cracks in
the sidewalk that i step
on every time. but one
day soon, the cement churning in
my heart will pour over
everything you've ever said. i am
a rain cloud that is filled
to the brim, but i refuse to let
the drops fall. it's not time,
not yet. this overcast sky can last
us a little longer. the way
you whisper in my ear like the
tinny sound of an old radio is
all i need when times are hard,
but the sleek silence of the MP3
switching to the next track is all
i'll want once i figure out how
to make this ringing in my ears
stop. you remind me of a neon
sign, saying "Open" to everyone
you meet. but all along you were
waiting for me to come
in and switch you off. but what if
i lit you up again and left? what
if i want to be the one with the neon
lights and "Open" blazing
on my chest? that'll be the day
my rain comes pouring down.
that'll be the day my radio
stops working.