I.
i chased you around
the playground and tried
to kiss your cheek but you
pushed me down and shoved
my face into the ground.
by your hand i learned that
no one wanted me.

II.
you knew that i loved you
and you liked stringing me along,
knowing that i would have given
you anything. but you never gave me
that one sick pleasure, and instead just
kept unraveling me. loving you
was like loving a ghost, one who made
me open up my
wrists like waterfalls.

III.
first kiss, first slap to
the face. i knew that you were
off limits but you knew
just how to make me hurt
myself a little bit more, and i
ate it up like the chocolate that
was your skin. you kissed me
after hitting me, and i never noticed
the difference.

IV.
you were a savior that
i needed so desperately, and you
cleaned up the hate that bled
out of me and kissed my torn up
wrists. but then the yelling began
and you were more of the same,
you grabbed at my heart and my arms
and tore them open, just like they had been
before.

V.
my heart was never so
alive as when i was with you.
the smiles you gave me were
treasures that i could not stop
digging up, but when the time came
that i was no longer shiny and
new, you went looking
for someone who was.

VI.
you told me to swim into the night,
and i heeded every word. you wanted
me to be so much better, but i was bad
at following orders. you never
looked at me with the lust that i craved.
you just wanted to fix me so that someone
else could love me.

VII. you craved me like a knife
in your gut. i was the shot to the foot
that you needed to get out of
the trap that you called home, but
you miscalculated my naughtiness, and
i sent you on your way, thirsting for a
kiss that never came.

VIII.
you were easy-- nothing more,
nothing less. the kisses we
exchanged were empty breaths, and
you were nothing but a failed
experiment. you wanted me in
the smallest of ways, but that was
okay with me.

IX.
you were someone that i could
never love, but then again, so
am i. the way that we smiled
across the room made the screaming
in my ear more bearable. you were just
a friend, not even mine, really. but you
were just what i needed when
the screaming was deafening.

X.
the spark that you lit inside
my heart is pushing me onward.
the way i crave your name
on my tongue is overpowering and
nauseating at the same
time. there is not much left
to say but i know that if i saw you
again, there would be so much left
to do.

blue eyes meet mine
and i know there is something
hidden behind covert glances
and accidental touches
and i have to struggle
to remember the reason i am
here. and it is not
to stare at your lips
and hope that you
have thought about
mine. i tried to stay
away from you, but i am not
good at counting my
blessings. i've been known
to take more
than my fair share
and pretend that i am
painfully innocent,
with wide eyes and curls
that make angels jealous.
but truth be told, i am
no such angel, and
i lusted at first sight
and carried your name,
a devil's flame, bursting
into my heart. the dark nights were
brightened and i hoped
that i could use
my ways to make you
fall, trip down into my
rabbit's hole. i didn't mean
for it to go this far
but then, maybe i did.
since there's something
inside of me, an ache i cannot
name, that has left me feeling
reckless and restless.
but i'll try to remain
in control, the angel in
the rabbit's hole, and i will
keep you and me and this at bay
even as the desire to let
go overwhelms me.

you are stashed in
a memory. and with it
i hold you close
to me. we were perfect
in our almost
romance. eyes
locked tight
and blue met blue
like the sea and
the sky colliding.
your calm azure
brought my crashing
waves back down. and i
remember your crooked
smile that seemed to promise
me everything. and that smile
let me know that
you would have
kissed me if i asked.
but i wonder
if your lips could have
quelled the swells with in
me, and if my tongue
could have silenced
your raging summer storms.
we are a secret that will
never be uttered,
we are a wave that can
never be ridden.
we had our chance and we
missed it. but sometimes, i
swear, i would go down
with our ship.

just yesterday i was saying that i was
going to marry you. i didn't know then how bad
the night would be, and how your words would wrap
themselves around my throat until i turned
blue with marble lips that no longer gasped--
gasped, like i did when you used to touch
me gently, air coming out in little bursts of breath held
in for so long that it made me dizzy.

the air grew empty then, and there was nothing left
to say besides a goodbye that tasted stale
in my mouth, as if i had been expecting
to say it all along. the words struggled out
of me, and it was all i could do to keep
from dying. i stumbled to my room and fingered
the antique white dress that had been promised to me
long ago, and it crumbled in my careless hands and turned
to dust that choked me up all over again. collapsing
on the bed, i dreamed of white dresses, flowers, and you.

now i know that i will never marry
you. the white dress doesn't belong
to me, and fairy tale endings belong in the dust-covered
books that i gave up long ago, in favor of thin
paperbacks in which the heroine insists on slitting
her wrists, as if she does not care what happens
when the blood stops. those books were my bibles and i heeded
every word as if it came from god himself.

i can't wear a white dress until my wrists clear.
when the blood has been banished and the lines turn into
cotton fields upon my skin. and i have a funny feeling
that by the time that happens, the only place i will go
in my pearly dress will be a coffin. because i am
white and blue and red all over, a flag of skin
and veins and blood. i can't marry you if you don't
want me to. and so with a flick of my wrist, i will
become death's bride.

some say the marriage bed is a coffin; maybe they're right, after all.

your name is
etched in my skin.
all i can do
is try to scratch
it out,
but that only leads
to inflammation
of the JAGged letters
spelling out all
that is left
of teen love
on fire.

we talk
and fight,
kiss and make up.
we hold fast to
the hurt
we cause ourselves
and it piles on
like raked leaves
on an autumn
day. the colors
swirl in patterns,
and sometimes
we see golden
yellow, like the hair
that streams down
my back.
sometimes we see orange,
a sunset streaking
through your black curls.
but mostly,
we see red.

if our words had
a color, it would be
red. the garnet
colored phrases cut deep
and make us believe
we are better off
alone.
but sometimes...
your ice eyes
meet mine and
i freeze
and just look
at you.

and it's in these
moments
that i realize
you are all
the colors,
every day and all
the time, and that
if i were alone,
i would be gray

we stood under the branches,
and you leaned in.
“what are you doing?”
i asked, drunken,
perplexed. i only wanted
to climb. you
had closed your
eyes, but now they opened.
you looked confused.
“i kinda wanted to
make out.”
oh. i should have
known. The breeze
picked up, and fluttered
through my hair
you looked at me
expectantly, and drew
closer. i thought of the
girl you had come with
sitting inside,
wondering where you
went, after such a long
smoke break.
“no.” i won’t
be the other girl
anymore.
you stood, stunned
at my refusal.
girls don’t usually say no
to you.
you tried to
convince me…
drunkenly i turned
away
and climbed.