one, two, three, four
you each got
nothing.
deserved
nothing.
because i was an empty body
trying to find peace
with no one
but myself.
one, two, three, four
there was nothing to do
but be there
until i couldn't be
anymore
one:
you saved me
you truly did
you were what i needed
at the time
but you are not
what i need
now
two:
i think of you
and it almost
makes me
***
almost.
three:
you never knew me
you never tried to.
what else is there to say?
four:
you are a liar
and will remain so
until someone
beats you
at your own game
one, two, three, four
the could've beens
the might've beens
the never-will-bes
and I am okay with that
most of the time.

july 1st, 2010
when your eyes met mine
for the very first time
i could not breathe
and every look at you
that i stole
made me feel like
i was alive
for the very first time

july 21st, 2010
i found you again
i steal your eyes
pin them with mine
there is someone between us
but it is as if he was not there
you leaned on me
and i leaned on you
and there was love
hanging in the dusty air

january 15th, 2011
i see your eyes
they crave mine
they whisper to me
"run away, run away"
i see your eyes
and they crave mine
and i do not know
what will come of this
but i do know
that nothing
will ever
be
the same.

may 13th-14th, 2011
your eyes are begging me
and mine are pulling you in
your brain pushes away,
runs away
but my heart emanates
a force so strong that
you come to me in the end
and together
we ***

june 16th, 2011
this is heaven
this is bliss
this is everything
i ever imagined
and more
you are everything
i imagined
and more
did i die
and go
to heaven?

and then came
two years of
ups and downs
and side to side
we are everything
and nothing
at the same time
we fight too much
and make up too quickly
no one was ever as lucky
as i was
to have you
in my heart

the silence

love is dead
and i am too

september 19th-22nd, 2013
here we are
trying to start anew
we try and try
but the passion
cannot be replaced.
the eyes that once tugged at mine
seem so empty inside
the eyes that shone with love
now barely spark
at all

and now it is december
and i'm trying to remember
and
the days whir by
one after another
here we are
and we are still
together
we can kiss
and touch
and ****
and yet
when i look into
your eyes
all i see is
mistrust
all i taste is
sadness
all i want is
love
but all i feel is
alone.

i find hearts
and i sneak inside
doesn't matter who they belong to.
in the quiet
i lie in wait
of a man
who i can breathe in--
i don't care who he belongs to.
i smile my secret smile
and i beckon them in
one by one--
no matter who they belong to.
i whisper from afar
declarations of love
tempting them, pressing them
doesn't matter who they belong to
in the quiet
i sit and bleed
names run red across my arm
i don't care who they belong to
i don't learn lessons
i don't remember mistakes
just keep on pushing ahead
i don't care that they belong to
people.
people with feelings
people who are not me
and then i realize
that i hope one day
i outgrow my psychopathic ways
and i remember who they belong to
but at the same time
as i sit here
in the quiet
waiting for
my turn
i wonder...
who do i belong to?

red
     red
          red
drips



down.


and i am alone again
with elegant designs
all over my arm
a reminder of the mess
that i have caused
a reminder of the pain
that is my fault
a reminder that i
am terribly
depressed
disappointed
and lonely
no matter how hard i
try

you cried tonight
and the sound made me weak
made me want to stop breathing
it stopped my anger in its tracks
stopped my mind from ever wanting
to repeat the words that hurt you
again
when you cry
i lose all conviction
i lose all thought and reason
and all i want to do
is reach up
and brush your tears away
and hold you sweetly in my arms
leaving both my anger and your sadness
behind

four years, and your eyes
are still the most beautiful
things i've ever seen

filthy girl
why would anyone
ever
love
you?
there are *** stains on your sheets
just like the remnants nestled
in your hair
i do not understand
why your eyes still well up
when he leaves right after
why haven't you realized that
he doesn't love you?
yes,
you are pretty
and you can fool them all
in the daylight
he sees you with your friends
and you think that he admires you
just like everyone else does
you pretty, pretty girl
pure as the snow
and you think you have fooled him
so you smile
with your teeth so
pearly white.
but guess what?
your stains are clearly visible
under the blacklight,
and
he
will
always
know