do you remember crazyland?
do you remember when we swore the only time
we'd get to hold each other
was when (and if) we reached that mystical place?
and how for years we craved it
and to this day know of its power?
do you remember how we longed for it?
"thirty seven years and twenty-six days"
do you remember crazyland?
where we could be ourselves
and where you were mine
and i was all yours
i promised you
that if we ever made it there
i would let you inside
and never let you back out
"i would take you" "i would let you"
i promised you
that you would be my last everything
i craved you more than
i have ever craved anyone
i scratched at my heart
since it would only beat
when you were around
and so
i tried to remove it
thinking it was the only way
to feel at peace without you
do you remember staying up all night
telling each other our deepest secrets?
now we know them all
i never want to hide things from you.
i promised you the world
i promised you ever part of me
and you did the same.
i promised you forever
in this promised land,
this crazyland,
and i promised you
that
crazyland
would be much better
than
here

i am not one to count my blessings
i usually forget
and i am not one to be selfless,
to remember what i have
when i have it
but there is one thing
that i will never stop thanking god for
and that i will never forget to add
to my prayers at night
and that is
the feeling i get
when our lips
touch

in another world
there would have been a you and me
and we would have fought
the way we do in this world
but in that world
instead of ending in solemn, silent goodbyes
the fighting
ends
in
kisses

i remember when i met you for the very first time
and i thought i was going to cry
because you were so beautiful and you. weren't. mine.
and i had to go along pretending everything was fine
and i had to go along acting like it was okay
that you weren't mine and
i remember kissing your cheek and wishing it was your lips...
and i remember how it nearly was when my mouth slipped
and i remember how tall you were compared to me
and the way your mouth curled up whenever you looked at me
and i remember how we had a chemistry that he couldn't dream
of making with every element in the world
and how i just wanted to be your girl
i remember when you and i first hung out alone
and how it was to hear your voice outside of the phone
and i remember how it was to breathe you in
and how
i never wanted to be alone again

It started out with one
"I love you," said he.
She said, "I love you, too.
It'll always be you and me."

And yet, as often is the case
He was soon on his way
Out the door, he left her
Once there was nothing left to take.

It took awhile for the second
To convince her to let him in
And she was right to worry
Since he left right after, fin.

It soon turned into three
'Cause that's when she stopped believing
She let him in, saying, screaming--
"Oh, please, just stop my grieving."

But that was too much pressure
And he was ill-equipped
To deal with such a girl
So sad, alone, and whipped.

So three faded into four
But he was nothing but mean
He did not love her, not one bit
And the things he did, obscene.

Five tried to save her
Oh yes, he truly tried
But she was much too broken
And sadly, their love died

Six is the devil's number
And there's a good reason why
He used her face as a cutting board,
Now she can't look him in the eye.

Seven could have been her everything
He was her greatest maybe
But neither of them were ready,
Torn apart by an unborn baby

Eight was a late night mistake
Fueled by drunken lust
Though in the morning, she denied it,
He was her needful, solid must.

Eight told nine about her
And he was rather struck
Nine was one of those guys,
The ones who only want to ****

And though she told him no
He simply didn't care
She was quiet, she was still
She pretended she wasn't there.

Ten came rushing in
He saw her eyes and scars
And he said, "There is no yours or mine,
There is only ours."

But she wasn't ready
And their love began to falter
By the time she wore her dress of white
She was fleeing from the altar

But eleven understood her past
She told him more each night
And he promised to be there
And help her put things right.

He waited patiently every day
For her to settle in
For her to remember who she was
Before she attempted to love him.

She remembered back to the days before
The days of one through ten
She realized there was more to her
Than to be an object of men

She started painting every day
She started baking pies
And in the process of filling up her world
She opened up her eyes.

She started to believe in herself
She managed to look in the mirror
She knew that she was worth something
And she stopped living in fear.

Eleven waited patiently
He held her hand when she cried
And she helped him with his demons, too.
She called him out when he lied

Their life together was not perfect
Love never really is
But it was something completely new
It was both hers and his

She never forgot about her demons
But she discovered she could forgive
She could make amends with her past
She could fight her sadness, she could live.

She kissed him softly every night
And he held her close each day
Their story is the living proof
That everything will be okay.

My brain is an autopsy
Observing your
Remains
Turning them over
And over
Trying to make sense
Of what you left behind
My body is your body
My hands could be yours
Only they are full of life
And yours feel cold in mine
My heart is a eulogy
It remembers only
The things I loved about you
It refuses to acknowledge
How the story really ends
My lungs are a graveyard
I breathed you in
But I cannot
Breathe you out
I am your tomb
And in me you'll remain
And maybe it's me
Who's buried after all

the house burned down
with me inside
you were gone
and i was left behind
you lit the flames
locked the door
and let the smoke cloud over me
you were gone
and i was left so far behind
your eyes were stained glass windows
cracking
they burst in the heat
you ran away and
the house came down
on top of me
you were gone
and i was left far behind
and i gathered up the ashes
and swallowed them whole
i wondered if they'd help me
find your soul.
you came back
bearing flowers bathed in ashes
to this desolate lot
and there was nothing left but me
trying to pick up pieces
too small to even see
trying in vain
to put the house back together,
the house of you and me
but everything was buried in gray
and it stained my soul
you came back
to where you left me
and i was still there digging
still there singing your song
but you had picked a new tune
that did not cause the heat
to burn up inside you
you tried to touch me
the way you used to
but it was then that we learned
that i was still on fire
and that you still could not bear to touch me
you stayed there
solemnly
when you had a moment to spare
to come to my gray tomb
my ancient, hallowed burial grounds
of you and me
the house is gone
the fire has long since burned out
but i still carry it inside me
and it makes me painful to touch
you come back sometimes
and i let you stay close
but i still burn you,
and i know
that the day will come
when you will not return
and i'll still remain here
picking up the ashes
of a love lost longer ago
than i'd like to admit
and you will walk away
cold as ice
but the fire will never burn out
in my mind
our house burned down
with me inside
you were gone
and i was left far behind