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A talking dog and
a girl in flowers and
an old man in a suit and
a wolf with arrows in his eyes and
two bodies entwined and
a girl ascending stairs and
Why? and
the Empire State Building and
a young man smoking and
a house tilting over a cliff and
a lost paradise and
snow falling on lamps and
two teenagers floating in a pool and
waves crashing and
dilapidated house in Berkshires, MA and
the Devil and God and
boys in jackets and
young men singing and
fans blowing air on a bed and
nothing.

These are the things I see.
These are the things that haunt me.
the heart aches
like
earthquakes.

today
i allowed myself to feel
heartbreak
one very last time for you.

the sun was settling,
silhouetting the city

it felt like
the burial site of massacred dreams.
-
i knocked over cooking wine
on my way to write this poem,
but the locus of my thoughts
was so intent on blueberries,
that i didn't mind the stains
or my comforter smelling
like sour grapes all night
-
 Apr 2013 Chandler Lauren
Nicole
A small child
Only 6 or so,
Runs inside from a long day's play.
So young and full of energy.
Shouldn't have a care in the world,
Except for the specks of mud on the floor,
Left by his own foot.
His father, a large and logical man,
Raised the boy right;
Manners and all in tact.
Yet when he walks into the kitchen,
While the boy is at the kitchen sink, washing his little hands,
He sees the mud.
And the boy sees him,
Smiles up at him with his missing-tooth smile,
But the dad doesn't see;
He only sees mud.
He storms over in two strides,
Grabs the boy by the collar and drags him to the spot on the floor.
The boys heart is racing,
A mile a minute.
Never seen his father so terrifying,
So horrifying;
Until a moment later.
As his grip released him, he fell to the floor.
He wasn't hurt then,
But he would be,
As his father's fists raised and fell upon his small body.
Impossible not to feel the bruises already beginning to form below his immature skin.
"Stop it! Why would you do that?" My mind screams at the man not worthy of being even called a father,
and for the boy as he crawls away into the next room and collapses at the foot of the stairs in tears.
"How could you do that to him?! He doesn't understand! He's just a little kid! He doesn't understand.."
My heart and mind scream together,
lined with hatred, through sobs of tears.
And then I see his future:
Self hatred.
Yeah he'll go far in school, he's a smart kid, but his emotional damage is irreversible.
Quiet because he forgot how to talk,
Never smiling because he knows what people are capable of.
He sees the world in a negative light, but it's his reality.
No trust, no love,
Just alone with his thoughts.
And that's when he's finally safe.
This is what happened when I took a TAT test, a psychology test where you make up a whole story for an ambiguous picture. This is what my mind did with the picture and it's disturbing but my reactions were the same as I've written in here. It's a terrible tragedy, but it happens every day to someone. R.I.P. to the lives lost to these terrible people. Even to the ones who survived but live with the consequences. I can relate. And I'm sorry if this was a little much for some people. But it really is the sad, terrible truth for some unlucky individuals.
 Apr 2013 Chandler Lauren
Lee
When I ask you to imagine
I can’t imagine
you’re imagining
the same thing I am.
Imagination is individuality
,and individually,
if I ask you to imagine like me
could I be asking you to imagine us
as we
or you
as me.
It’s a complicating thing to put into perspective
a complicated feat to achieve.
It’s a melding of perspective
and just as I suspected
there’s no way for this error to be corrected.
Can you imagine how these things can end up hectic?
Or see
how being me
is similar to imaging
utter insanity.
They know about my problems,
Say that it doesn't matter.
Say that they love me an will never think otherwise.
They get close.
Closer and closer.
Then they say it,
Those ******* words.
"I love you."
Those words that can tame a barbarian.
The words that can calm the storming seas.
Words of trust, acceptance, care...
"The scars don't matter. They make you beautiful"
"I'll never hurt you."
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months.
It doesn't take long to get sick of me.
That promise. Turns into a lie.
That love turns into hate.
Then I end up alone.
Then I take the cold blade to the skin.
The next day a nice person notices.
We start to talk.
I tell them my problems.
They help me through them.
They know all my problems.
*rinse, repeat.
Every now and then I catch myself thinking about her. She was the light of my life. And now she calls me bro and acts like nothing ever happened between us... It is the most painful thing I have experienced. I want to see her but I also don't. She betrayed my trust. But I forgave her instantly because I understood why she did it. I mean look at me, I'm just surprised she stayed with me as long as she did. I just don't want to lose her. That love, that happiness, that acceptance.... I just want her back.  But that's not going to happen now is it. Because I'm me and who wants to be with me. I hate myself. And I'm pretty sure everybody else hates me too. I'm afraid of everything. I guess that's why I'm alone now. People say I'm not alone. But I really am. I'm too afraid to go outside. At school I'm always thinking these kids are going to make fun of me. Stop looking at me. What is wrong with me. Don't touch me. Is there something on my face. Don't talk to me..  I just want to be left alone because I know that I'll just end up getting hurt again.  Whenever my friend is depressed, or thy are harming themselves. I always tell them to stop, to find another way. People try and do the same with me. I'm in the same situation. But I deny ever getting better. Because I know that happiness is a lie. Because I know that others can be. But I can never see myself being happy. Because in my life. It's just one...big..lie..
Box
I put all the things that resembled us away
In a box
The box that you sent me for valentines day
I smelled your sweater continuously
And looked at our pictures
Put the ring on one more time,
and kissed the teddy bear
I read all your letters
Fake promises scrawled onto alabaster paper
I put it all in my closet
And I kissed the memories goodnight.
Now I'm on my own
Like a baby bird flying for the first time
Now its time to find
Who I am
Who I want to be
Now, it's time to say goodbye.
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