I want you to be unsure of
the words you want to say,
because I know I sure as hell am.
I’d rather live half way in the past
than lose something I never had.
And don’t you dare call me a coward
just because I’m scared to write these words.
You can’t love me.
You’re not allowed to love me.
I won’t let you.
Because you deserve the ocean
and I can only offer droplets.
Slipping sand right through my fingers,
crumbling rock beneath my feet.
Every glowing star goes dim
when your eyes reflect their light.
And I can’t stomach hopeful answers
from even more hopeful lips, but I will try.
I will try.
I will try to grow new gardens
from ancient soil in my heart.
Perhaps this time it’s ready,
perhaps it will spread through every limb.
And you might say I’ve jumped
right into the deep end,
but it’s the only way I know how to swim.

She steps out of bed in the morning. Standing, stretching, rubbing half open eyes. She doesn't even so much as glance in the mirror as she walks softly across the cold, hardwood floor and into the bathroom to shower. She turns on the water and tests it to see if it's too cold or too hot. Jumping in she washes away the filth of sad dreams and her wandering mind. Stepping out she wraps herself in a warm fuzzy towel and shuffles quietly into her room, making sure she doesn't wake the rest of her house, she closes her door and turns on her music. As she stares in the mirror she turns up the volume on her iPod so that it's drowns out the sounds of her thoughts calling her ugly, pale and sickly. She sighs and begins to pile on the makeup. Fixing her face to perfection, pulling and magnifying every eyelash and covering every pimple. Once she is semi-satisfied with her product filled face she starts on her hair. Plowing thought tangled curls, straightening and curling, primping and poking and prodding until every piece of hair from root to tip is burned to a crisp. She smiles to her reflection, at least it's a little prettier than before, she thinks. Yet, she's still unsatisfied, she frowns again. She'd rather have her entire face covered and unseen. She moves on to her wardrobe, not liking anything in her closet she raids her mothers. Finding something suitable and baggy to cover her layers of fat (the whole 150 pounds of it), she looks in the mirror one more time. Unhappy with the finished product she checks her watch and realizes she doesn't have time to change. She trumps out the door to the big, bumpy, smelly, annoying bus and listens to the other kids have fun. When she gets to school she walks to the looming doors alone, then walks alone to her locker. In fact, she spends the entire day alone. Even though her school holds over 500 people at this very moment. After school she walks to the same bus she arrived in. Smelling and feeling the same as earlier in the day. She arrives home to an empty house and makes some ramen noodles and tea. Then she sits and does homework and watches TV until around midnight and goes into her room, brushes her teeth and goes to sleep. Just to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

You were down by the river
wearing a old vintage dress
hanging off your body
baring your shoulders and collarbones
that swayed in the wind
like your long wavy hair.
Oh how I longed to push it behind your ears
and see you look up at me
with a storm in your eyes
and a rosy blush portrayed along your soft cheeks.
You softly hummed a melody
without even realizing it.
You finally looked up and noticed me staring at you,
A huge smile threatened to reach your eyes.
But even I couldn't do that, yet.
You blushed when you realized
I was staring at you;
quickly fixing your hair that blew around your face
and your summer dress.
You looked down when I reached you
and I couldn't hold back any longer
and pulled you hard against me
your body crushing into mine
you smelled like wind and flowers
and rain.
I breathed you in,
my face pressed against your neck
your soft hair hiding my face
all I could feel was how your body
fell against mine
and your soft hair tickling my face
and my lips against your neck.
I pulled back
and kissed you with all I had, and you kissed back.
Then I woke up.

Thought I'd start off with a clean slate today
Completely clear my mind
Sit in a darkened room
Give it a little time

See what there is inside of me
Digging deep what I will find
Grab a hold the poet soul
Spend the extra dime

I found I like it better here
Without the fuddle of mankind
Just me, the darkness, and my mind
In the deeper meaning of the rhyme

Tonight at a party there was a boy who looked exactly like you,
same perfect rounded almond eyes,
same scruffy slightly curly hair,
his eyes were even green, as I recall.
While I barely even know him, I found myself trying to be in his presence more than anyone else,
If he went outside I would take note, and eventually follow,
when he came inside, the same thing.
When we would talk I would feel my heart speed up.
I do not know this boy,
I most certainly do not love this boy,
but in the moment this boy became hot summer nights in the back of a Toyota pickup,
he became initials carved into half the trails in town,
he became drunken nights of confessing everything to each other,
he became the best friend I ever had,
he became what once was my world,
and the painful wall of nostalgia hit me in the heart like a shotgun,
even though I know I'm better without you,
and even though I know things would never have worked,
I loved you more than you will ever know,
and I still do, I suppose.
And the boy tonight was a painful reminder that I will be looking for you,
in every person I'm with for a long time,
because you were great,
and together we were great,
and I wish love alone had been enough to keep us both happy,
but it wasn't,
and things fall apart,
but I wish they didn't.

There's a mostly empty bottle
of Jameson Irish Whiskey
sitting by my bed,
where I wish you were laying next to me,

and I drove here alone,
drunk
when you should have been driving me
sober
just like we used to do,
we were a team
you and I,
I fell apart,
and you would always put me back together
and were always there
to kiss me goodnight.

I've got a nasty habit,
of leaving
when I should just
stay.

What's so awful,
about all of this
is that at the bottom of it,
I am happier without you.
It would be easier to just miss you,
and think that the only way
I will be happy again
is to be with you forever,
but we both know
that is far from the truth.

I am no good with changes,
and it's been months
but I still can't believe
our forever fell
so short.

I am counting down the days
'till empty bottles
make me think about someone else
besides you
because god,
it's ******* killing me.

I can still remember the day
   you first spoke my name.
Like a prayer, like a wish,
   you whispered, you called.
I can still remember the first
   time you smiled at me.
Never, before you, have I been
   breathless. Never before
have I been frozen in one minute
   of eternity , deep in your eyes.
I can still imagine the way you
   used to kiss me. For a heartbeat,
I was someone; I was needed; I was
   blessed. For a long time, I lived
by your kisses, existed by your touch,
   carried on by your embrace.
I had never known bliss until you
   chanced upon me and fished me
out of the choppy seas. You loved
   me, simply as I loved you back.
And we once thought we were invincible
   in each other's arms. We were immortal
because of each other's love. Not even death
   could separate us. But we came
upon the end of the wonderful journey. It
   wasn't death that made us see.


It was choice.