im stuck between what my mind and heart wants
nothing seems to be in its right place
or maybe im just never meant to be anywhere that i happen to be
my mind is always caressed by clouds and burned by the vocalists of the earth
words are as scorching as the rays of the sun and my writs are itching once again

and im scared im scared im scared this world is not for me

this life is based on impermanence
i'm flailing through the sea of screens that demand attention
my eyesight is wasted on things that don't exist
and my thoughts are plagued by lies
that block the words of my surroundings

i won't remember much
this life is based on fleeting pleasures
i'm willingly sacrificing my mind
to a soulless machine

society is built upon a parallel universe
meant to close the boundaries between us
but it seems that it deepens the gap that exists
with those that are on our either shoulder

i may not be completely brainwashed yet i'm struggling to find the clean air

i may be "real"...

     but i sure as hell don't know what i want

and still i wonder what it takes to be better...

my mind is enveloped within clouds
everything reaches me through a clouded veil

not present on earth; i'm not like all of you
speech is forced and muscle contractions carefully controlled

i don't understand, and i feel so separate, i can't find myself
and you all just laugh while i'm slowly floating away

lately i don't want to be anywhere near the ground
i'll come to terms with my eyelids kissing the raindrops

but i think that i'm as addicted to you as you are to Marlboro's
quitting you cold turkey was a ******* mistake i'm left with these cravings
that make my veins itch and my body feels like it's full of cement
i cant help but think of you at night when only white noise lies with me when it used to be you with your arms wrapped around me
but when i wake up you are the first thing i think of and you aren't there anymore even though i chose to leave you since i thought you were toxic like the tar that coats your lungs but now im struggling to breathe easily anyway
it doesnt make sense to be full of emptiness but i can somehow feel it in my chest and i cant even take a hit off of you because i am not the cigarette that gets to  touch your lips
and like quitting smoking everyone has said i'll be healthier without you but my mind is feeling so sick despite the smile painted on my face

you were the shot of adrenaline
that drenched my veins with coursing fire
i couldn't eat and sleep
i guess my body couldn't handle the high gained from the thoughts of you

now you aren't there
and i'm crashing hard and fast
the alternatives aren't working
and i can't stop thinking thinking thinking
wondering why you told such addicting lies

you heightened my anxiety
in an oddly pleasurable (and perhaps masochistic) way
now i'm suffering from the pangs of withdrawal
without closure i'm left craving more
depression has seemed to be the only consistent company i've had
no thanks to you

and i ******* hate how i still love the sound of your name

When the tension
Between us
Encompasses this air-conditioned atmosphere
As oppressivley as the Texan summer heat
Outside our window

I avoid your eyes
And I dare not say your name

You scent
Is now the only thing
That sleeps with me
Beneath the sheets

I can't wake up
You linger within my dreams
Which have learned to lie
Too well

Beneath my eyelids
My mind busily paints a fantasy
That is much more vivid and pleasant
Than the world where I know you're gone

Maybe I'll just keep my eyes shut...

Bathed in the glow of street lamps
We catwalked through the red dusty streets
With short sleeves
And even shorter shorts
Displaying our scars to the night and the stars
The atmosphere was liquid and dry
Quenching our thirst for change
And parching our egos

We barely remembered our names
We were ****-faced  off of life

But with you right beside me
Even lying on the floor
Feels more like drifting through the sky

     (You are not my anchor,
     You are my pilot  through the clouds)

it comes every other day
unlike the tide, with its constant ebb and flow
glad to be awake and glad to be with people
transforms into wishing to sleep for eons and wishing to depart from existence
does that diminish the authenticity of the matter?

i'm always able to laugh
no matter the level of stupidity or simplicity the joke contains
my best quality, i've been told
apparently laughter is the best medicine
so are those that laugh the most attempting to medicate their sadness?

floating off
your words of encouragement

     "i look forward to reading your published works one day"

i've never allowed my mind the chance
to seriously entertain the thought
besides, i have a hard time swallowing criticism
despite my usual self-deprecating dialogue

they say assumptions are dangerous
yours especially
they hold the potential power to open new doors in my life

I'm afraid to admit
That I crave your lips to split me open
Spilling forth every unevoked feeling and emotion
Into an uncontainable flood
That I wouldn't know how to control

I'm afraid to admit
That your exposing eyes
Appear to know my secret
That i do not revel in the loneliness
And all too often my laughter is a lie

I'm afraid to admit
That with you I'd be willing to change
Together we would cross every line, then burn it to ash
And I would never look back
To see if anyone was watching me
For I would no longer care

My mind has too fond a latch
On complacency with sadness
You wouldn't want me to hurt myself
Or hate my mind
Would you, Little Love?
I want to make the promise
To end such things
Yet it terrifies me
I am afraid to grow
It lets in more room for pain, if possible
Yet you brought a light into my world that I believe can combat it.

Though you are free from pain and therefore free from this life,
I must hold onto the influence of your light.

Felt through an aching throat
And burning eyes
Smeared makeup
And uncontrollable cries

It's amazing
As if your tiny innocent being
Possessed a sense of inner peace
Beyond the power of the known

i reach and extend in the dark
until my bones creak
break
then snap
under the weight of your silence
bitterly shattering  the void

(i miss the music of your words)

you taught me to learn from the sadness

You'll learn that I'm easily corrupted

you spoke the words that could never escape my tongue.

i notice how deeply
you pull a drag
on that cigarette
down
    to
       the depths
                  of your lungs
as if you're attempting to revive
every hope and dream
exhaling
to set them free
only to dissipate
in a cloud that warrants glares and distancing footsteps
i notice your eyes lift
up to the sky
darling-
don't expect a sign from heaven
when Marlboro
is your guardian angel

i
can
see
your
unspoken
words
written
in
your
eyes

something
in the middle
of my chest
is
   slowly
crawling
    it's way
        up my throat
itching, aching to be released

     (it's a scream that no one will hear)

i
really
wouldn't
mind
if
it
didn't
feel
so
pointless

i am no flower.
i will not
wilt in the heat
or shrivel in the cold
my skin is not bright like a petal
albeit smooth and shiny
                                (once it heals)
i do not sit still
waiting to be admired
or plucked from where i belong
only to die
at the hands
of someone who only seeks to replace me
yet again.

does anybody speak the language that reads between the lines?

will
any
one of
you
show
me
a
good
time?

someone must not have told you the heart is a VITAL *****, not a TOY.

some say that
actions speak louder than words
yet
this smile won't be fading soon
what you wrote to me
is imprinted in my mind
cemented in the whirring thought process of my brain
i
     can
still
     see
the words painted on the inside of my eyelids
when i close my eyes
your words make
the darkness feel safe.

i just want something that will make me feel ALIVE.

oh babe, he's got a smile
and a sly glint in his eye
some say it's his character
honey just know it's a lie
he'll run to  your door
before it shuts all the way
sweetheart i'm telling you
he'll put those good-girl morals in disarray
and that ain't music you hear
when he's with you alone
darling that's the sound of your manners being thrown
beware of this boy
who's got a certain smile
when he asks for a walk
just know he expects that extra mile.

do you know what you did?
i don't think you do
because
i see
the
way
you
whisper in her ear
causing you both to burst into laughter
sharing some absurd joke the rest of the world just
isn't privileged enough to know
i see the way
your lips caress hers
so deliberately
as if they hold the answer to everlasting life
(but we both know everlasting love is a lie)
do you know what you did?
i don't think you do
because i see no other reason
for why you treated me like utter ****
(sorry but there's no poetic way to express what you did to me)
yet she appears to be the treasure of your life.

I know you
were sick
And I know you
loved me
I know you
tried your best in the way you felt was right
To make me happy
I know you
Were scared that I'd forget you
I know that you knew you didn't have much time
Selfishly, I wonder why
You didn't leave me anything to remember you by
Don't worry, I have memories of you
But none of them tell me much
About what you were like
I really just want a piece of you
That I can hold in my hands
And unfold and read
Then fold up again when I feel reassured of your presence in my life.

You were the sunlight
That shone through the *****
In the glass window
Illuminating an entire new world
I was the *****
A flaw in the purpose; for windows are meant to protect
Yet your rays of light
Sought out ME
The mistake, the accident
To demonstrate to me how truly beautiful flaws are, when shown in the right light.