I help you through hard times, as you do I
But you really don’t know how much I hide
Even though we are the best of friends
I really don’t think you can understand
I can’t bear the hurt, I can’t stand the pain
A feeling of numbness I can’t explain.

This is a life in which I walk alone
Full of hope shattered and broken
Always angry for no reason at all
Constantly wanting to end this brawl
Fighting with myself again, and again,
Sometimes I want this life to end

Mom’s depressed but chooses to hide
Takes out her anger on those by her side
Doesn’t understand I try to help
She shuns me out, and hates instead

Grandma’s enduring an unstoppable fate
sickness has gotten her on the plate
Its sad to see such an innocent person
Become another cancer victim

Too many friends are hurt as well
Thinking that their life is hell
Too many friends wanting to stop
Thinking suicide is the only option

But inside me is the worst of all
I don’t know how long I can stand tall
Memories of happiness are shooed away
But horrible twisted thoughts to stay

Nothing I do can make her proud
There’s no silver lining on her clouds
I’m a rainstorm filled with dark black skies
And a haunting rainfall full of lies
I only wish I could make her see
I’m trying hard so I can be
Someone she that can trust and love
Instead she tells me I’m not good enough
Everything I do is a wrong decision
She constantly tells me I’m not living
The path that she truly wishes I’d take
But I’m only one big mistake
If I could I’d erase myself from here
I wouldn’t have to live this fear

I also wish I could be skinny
And always happy, fun, and pretty
Instead I look at myself in the mirror
Disappointed in the reflection that appears
It’s hard to live when you don’t love who you are
Wishing that you could change it all

Every day I make a mental note
How much would I miss, if I decide to go
And how much hurt makes me lean towards the edge
Is slowly creeping up the hedge
How much longer can I last?
Before my life becomes one of the past

Thinking about my social life or lack of one
I hide with work keeping busy my job gives me enough hours but not enough to make me full time
I jumped into the vicious circle I called dating
Ive met beautiful women but their insecurity makes me doubt myself
Ive lost so much respect I admire ppl but if they dont think highly of themselves why am I praising them
Everyone has a struggle take on the fear dont play the victim just know someone else has it worse
I respect what I do why should I give and settle for less. I was never 1st pick why should I settle I found away things arent always in my favorite. Ive done things others have never tried been place othets have never been
Its just mind blowing how others try to tell me or look down on me.
I bust my *** for mine while others are handed everything I work for.  I'll never kiss *** or give up alwaus detoured or side tracked with bs that has nothing to do with me
I walk away because I might say something I might regret so I do mind my mouth I dk the situation or the whole story so why jump the gun.

**** it
bad decisions might become my middle name
and there's not a thing in my mind
stopping me from an inevitable
disappointing life
because
the **** I taste with every breath
and the **** I hold from the bottom of my heart
might as well
*******
**** me

I've forgiven myself for these nights of endless sleep
Till the sunrise and the moon showed size
I was sad.
I've forgiven myself from excluding of humanity, starving myself, drinking alone, and drugging my soul
From talking to God in that violent tone
These days of depression, oppression and disgrace
You would try to hold me but empty I was
Made me coffee every morning
Held me tight while I panicked, always keeping yourself cool
Writing is how we communicated, reading how I excluded myself
This summer I read so many books
I don't even know how the world looks anymore
My God is gone
My skin is white
My chest in pain
And you, right there
I'm sorry I didn't let you embrace me, I needed to myself
"We are in this together"
I'm sorry, I forgot.

I'm secluding myself from humanity in hopes my rationality will come back soon
I'm burying myself in books, marrying them giving all my love to them
With the innocence of eternal love
The one that will last forever
I drugged myself this morning, in hopes to feel something-- anything.
5 minutes nothing
10 I'm feeling drowsy
20 I'm just sleepy
I took my pain medicine and my sisters fever medicine both combining to make Vicodin, the holy narcotic everyone talks about, but I felt nothing.
I didn't want an overdose, I don't want to die, atleast not now, I guess.
I smoked cigarettes, cigars, ****, hookah, I drank liquor and beer
Nothing.
Last night I combined coffee and cigarettes, I felt heavy and refreshed from the menthol
I felt relaxed.
Now my sweet encounter became a viscous addiction.
I'm a **** up in normal human form.

Another year will take my hand
Last year left me
Long before December cold
Arctic soul in summertime
2014 is God’s gift to humanity
We weren’t supposed to survive
Past two years ago
We waste away in our victors time
Complacency robs your family
Of love, affection, compliments
And life
On gifted time from the divine
Don’t resolve to do this or that
"Work out three times a week"
"Stop drinking soda"
"Brush my teeth one more time a day"
Do not wait to make your change
Set your life correct today
In the modern society
The right is replaced with the easy
The easy job, the easy life
Step back and look with eyes
Blurred by tears of future regret
That easy never won
A single thing except for
******* misery
Be a hero, it’s in your bones
To save a life, even your own

i  don't want  to live in  the
                            s p a c e s
between   your   words,   i
want to be  found in every
syl-
                    la-
                                     ble

The world is sad, I've noticed.
But it is also happy.
Like the way you feel on the first Christmas without a loved one.
At times like those, I find, the meaning of life can be blurred.
It can be swayed.
It can be lost.

As humans, we question,
it's in our blood,
even at a ripe age,
children begin to question.
Once the questions begin, mystery seems to be lost.
There is no santa claus anymore.
There is no tooth fairy.
There are no happy endings.

Life wasn't meant to live with happy endings,
with free presents from a magical man,
from money when biology takes its course.

In life, we are meant to feel,
every emotion that is evoked by it.

When the sadness comes,
it's because we are meant to be sad.
The times we feel the lowest,
are the things we will look back on when we feel the best,
and wonder,
how we ever let it get that bad.

When happiness reigns over all,
it's because we are meant to be happy.
These times in life we will smile,
and we will look back on the times we felt so low,
and wonder,
how could it ever get that way again.

Without the emotion,
that fluctuates from our being,
that pulls our heart,
and sometimes tears it out,
we wouldn't know if we were real or not.

I wouldn't know that I love you so much I hate you.
I wouldn't know that I am sad when you leave, meaning I miss you.
I wouldn't know that I'm angry with you because you don't feel these emotions for me.
If I can't evoke emotion from you,
how am I going to be the one
who makes you
feel
real









I can't believe it ended up being about you again.