in a dream
i had a brother
a tiny screaming baby brother
he wouldn't eat
not for my father and not for my mother
though he belonged only to one of them
i held him in my arms
tiny and screaming and alive
and he ate for me
but while he ate i sobbed
because i knew in my gut
he would not make it
he died when he was 14 or 15
his teenage self watched as i coaxed him to drink
he knew he wouldn't make it either
he died when he was 14 or 15
it was on the news

I walked today feeling heavy
mourning a brother I never had
At work and school I thought of him
tiny and screaming in my arms

I feel empty
Empty all over
in my bones
in my gut
in my throat

He is gone

He was never here

but where he should be is empty

he never existed at all
but he should be
tiny and screaming in my arms

September is here
so so cold in the morning
but then so so hot

I feel like crying
The kindergartners writing
Is the cutest thing

There is a place
A big, cold, empty space
Between my body and me
And there is a place
A thin, fuzzy space
Between my body
And the rest of the world.
Sometimes I fall into the spaces
And I don't know how to pull myself out.
When I fall into the big
The cold
The empty
I feel like there isn't any gravity
Or air
And I'm floating away from my ship
Without a tether or anything
And I don't know how to get back
Somehow I always do.
When I fall into the thin
The fuzzy in-between
That stops me from feeling the world the way it really is
Everything is way too bright
And I can't see anything
Or it's way too dull
And I can't see anything
And it's so loud that I can't decipher the words
Or it's so quiet that I can't even hear them at all
Nothing smells like anything, or it smells like everything
Nothing tastes right, everything feels shifted to the side a bit
Like I'm in a dream.
I don't know how to get out of that space either
But it never lasts forever
At least it hasn't yet

I don't feel strong
I don't feel brave
I feel tight in my throat
I don't feel warm
I don't feel safe
I feel like I'm falling apart