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CBL May 2
back and forth
up and down
in and out
side to side
only extremes
and that weird middle space between
no way to tell when the limit arrives.

the goods are really good
the bads are really bad
and everything in between is
chaos.
you wonder when it will end
you never know for sure.
it doesn't slow down first
just slams and jerks.
your insides get all mixed up
then you are heading the opposite direction.
you can't tell if you are being pulled
or falling
So many things have been happening lately and it's so so much. I can't fully enjoy anything because I can feel that I'll be slammed down before I can even get my bearings and I just want it to all slow down a little bit thank you very much. Bad things happen and I wait for them to pass and it takes forever because I can't see the end. I can't see the line drawing in that says "That's enough" and so I'm stuck waiting but never prepared.
CBL Apr 8
There is a place
A big, cold, empty space
Between my body and me
And there is a place
A thin, fuzzy space
Between my body
And the rest of the world.
Sometimes I fall into the spaces
And I don't know how to pull myself out.
When I fall into the big
The cold
The empty
I feel like there isn't any gravity
Or air
And I'm floating away from my ship
Without a tether or anything
And I don't know how to get back
Somehow I always do.
When I fall into the thin
The fuzzy in-between
That stops me from feeling the world the way it really is
Everything is way too bright
And I can't see anything
Or it's way too dull
And I can't see anything
And it's so loud that I can't decipher the words
Or it's so quiet that I can't even hear them at all
Nothing smells like anything, or it smells like everything
Nothing tastes right, everything feels shifted to the side a bit
Like I'm in a dream.
I don't know how to get out of that space either
But it never lasts forever
At least it hasn't yet
CBL Apr 7
I don't feel strong
I don't feel brave
I feel tight in my throat
I don't feel warm
I don't feel safe
I feel like I'm falling apart
I wrote this in December and I don't remember now what it was about
CBL Apr 7
words. poetry. art.
I used to believe that poetry needed to have a steady even flow
That it needed to tumble out and down like water in a stream
moving and moving and moving
constantly
consistantly
but
I realized
that words
  and
art
can be
    chunky
        blocky
there can be pauses
...
and spaces

and things can be repeated without needing to be
I wrote this a while back and it was just in my drafts for a while
CBL Apr 7
I'm gone all the time now.

Not all the time.

But it feels like all the time.

I think I'm here
And I'm doing things
And then I **** back into focus
And I've been gone a long, long time
Where did I go?
Why can't I feel when I start slipping away?

I can only feel when I'm pulled back to the surface
And not when I begin to sink
But I don't go anywhere.

But I'm gone.

I'm gone.
CBL Mar 14
sour
strange
kind of fizzy
I thought I despised them
until
you told me they were your favorite
and now I don't look at them the same
they taste different now
better
I think they are my favorites too
CBL Dec 2021
You say I betray you
I want to protect you
Life doesn't come with a manual
I don't know what to do
I'm trying so hard
To see underneath
But you stack on layer after layer
Each time I dig deeper
I find more of your hurt
each time I dig deeper
You hurt me some more
Broken people do that sometimes
It is hard
but it must be done
if not by me
then who?
I'm very tired
It hurts to keep going
will I stop?
Only for the night
But when the sun rises
So will I
to keep digging
to find you
and pull you to where
I hope you'll be safe
Forgive me
For losing you in the first place
little sister
no one told me being a big sister would hurt so ******* much. i've never wanted a time machine more. i wish i was stronger, but i am so, so tired and i don't know how to do this, i am making it up as i go, and hoping so hard that the things i do and say don't make it worse. i wish i could go back in time and protect her from everything and everyone.
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