They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough

All the pain that was caused,
Had made my anger rise
My veins revealed themselves through my skin
And so my blood revealed itself through my cuts
How did this bleeding end
How did i live normal again
Im reaching into the mirror,
Hoping i can switch places with my twin
But its all the same
The mirror broke
And the pieces cut my skin
I bandaged the bleeding with food;
The late nights when i couldnt stop
I bandaged the bleeding with alcohol;
I drank my fears away, & drank myself to sleep
I bandaged the bleeding with ***;
I wasnt scared of strangers who took my worries away
I tried to bandage the bleeding with weapons, but i made it worse
And so i bled all over again
I licked my own wounds
But then i swallowed the pain back in my body
I covered my scars
But then the lid got worn out
I clothed my cuts
But then the weather got hot
I uncovered everything again
A bandage is not permanent
Im still wounded;
Bleeding from the inside out
With a drug i had to take,
It helped me push out all the toxins inside my body
I had to **** the poison out of my own body
And like a snake i took off all the dead skin i had
With the layers gone,
Im hoping my new body will last without harming myself again

All the smiles
All the joy
All the laughter
All the rejoice
Lights are bright
The light is shining through
Deep in my heart is the only one i have because of you
Its just another day;
Another day to be more happier
But another day to feel more pain
And another day to feel more emptier
Memories remain
Pain wont ever change
Pictures will always be the same
Heartache once again
My mind is crowded
And my heart is full
Its too hard to have fun
Presents wont get me happier
The one thing i want is so impossible
Its too far away to reach
Its too far away to grab
The one thing i want,
Is someone i cannot have
I had it every year
I had it everyday
The love that i shared
Was taken on a painful day
I have forgotten what christmas felt like
Its just not the same
The happiness was taken from me;
I feel no more warmth
The joy that was taken from me;
I feel no more excitement
The love that was taken from me;
I feel no more company
The sadness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the tears
The anger that was brought to me;
Now i feel anxiety
The emptiness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the loneliness

All i see is darkness
All i feel is weapons
All i hear is myself screaming
All im doing is trying to breathe
The darkness shuts my eyes
The weapons tear open my skin
My screaming strips my vocal cords
I still cant breathe
A sudden change;
I dont know whats happening
I dont know what im feeling
And i can only feel my heart pounding
And i feel like im choking
I know ill never breathe
All the worries
All the pain
Is controlling my body & making me weak
Im trying to breathe,
While i struggle to breathe
Im trying to speak,
As i struggle to speak
But the air is just strangling me
I dont know what im supposed to do
Because im so confused
What is going on?
I feel so numb to gain feeling again
Now i lost all strength;
When i gained all weakness
And then my head spins as im getting so dizzy
My legs are wobbly as i try to walk;
Now i know im gonna fall

It all started when that salty water from the eyes, creates its first tears;
making a skin damp that can quickly be wiped off
That damp skin turned wet when the tears became heavy
Its hard to quickly wipe now; there is more salt water burning my face
I felt a puddle, underneath my body
I thought a sadness passed, but I was stepping in my tears now
I stepped out of my puddle,
then fell into a river
I gasped for air from the thin layer of water that covered me
I felt like I was half drowned;
and that my strength broke from me
I figured out my anxiety, my anger & fears
I figured out my sadness, my moods & nightmares
Im actually sinking
because now I created an ocean,
and Im actually drowning
I never knew a drop of rain could turn into a drop of my body;
drowning purposely by me

When i woke up, i got knocked out
When i got up, i got knocked down
When i rolled over, i got kicked
When i moved, i got trapped
When i opened my eyes, the light was too bright
When i dimmed the lights, the darkness arrived
When the darkness arrived, my mind was alive
When my mind was alive, thats when i started to cry
I wanted nothing
I had everything
I needed everything
But everything was nothing
I enjoyed the black walls that were forced to make me happy
I enjoyed the darkness that trained me to hate and hurt me
I enjoyed the drama that was a tornado in my life
I enjoyed those times when i picked up a knife
Negative energy that i had created
Everything that i ever thought about;
I just couldnt understand why there were no colours
I just couldnt understand why i had to suffer
I would be angry
I would cry
I would be violent
I would have thoughts to die
What if i ran
What if i hid
What if i disappeared
What if i didnt want to live
The anxiety;
I was always worried
The fear;
I was always scared
The yelling;
I was always angry
The depression;
The tears were always there
I questioned myself everyday
At night i wasnt allowed to answer
In my dreams i wished for no more
In my nightmares i was forced to lock my door
I just wasnt allowed to breathe
I just wasnt allowed to see
I just wasnt allowed to hear
I just wasnt allowed to speak
I couldnt breathe, because i was choking in my sleep
I couldnt see, because i was blinded from the light
I couldnt hear, because i was yelling with fear
I couldnt speak, because in the darkness i had noone to talk to
Noone but myself
Exactly- noone

Its slow but will be fast
Im beginning to feel weak inside myself
I feel like im tearing apart
And so the blades have appeared inside my life once again
Undoing my strength,
I have no more courage
Im so afraid to step ahead,
When im being forced to stay behind
Memories fade,
But the ones that stay, hurts
Im being tortured
And im bleeding until i faint
Fears haunt,
But the ones that really hurt;
Make me cry until i drown
Moods have grown
But the ones that ruin me,
Are the ones that are dangerous to me and everyone else
My breathing is changing on me
And when i hyperventilate;
It continues till i fall to the ground
Piece by piece im failing
One piece at a time
Piece by piece im disappearing
Each piece is my body and mind
Its stripping me
Its tormenting me
Is this ever going to end
Its scaring me
Its hurting me
Each piece is going to bend
One piece at a time,
Each time is a negative outcome
One piece at a time,
Each time its coming off of me
Im slowly disappearing
These pieces from my body are tearing easily
And im in no control
Im slowly vanishing
These pieces one at a time;
And this time is speeding up
Soon ill be gone
Soon ill be forgotten
One piece to scream
One piece to cry
One piece to have anger
One piece to hyperventilate
One piece is my eye;
I cannot see
One piece is my nose;
I cannot breathe
One piece is my mouth;
I cannot speak
One piece is my ears;
I cannot hear
2 pieces of my arms;
I cannot reach
2 pieces of my legs;
I cannot run away
3 pieces of my mind, body, and soul
Now my pieces are scattered on the floor
Like an impossible puzzle,
I cannot put myself back together again

I watched a show inside my room
A show that created magic
I was the star in a magic show inside the mirror
A show that continues to replay every night
I acted in a magic show inside our room
A show that made the bed a stage
Made my clothes disappear,
and placed me in chains
Controlled my heart without reaching in my chest; and made it race
You took my voice box and tweaked it
You controlled the volume by using your skills
I thought the impossible couldn’t be done
You showered me by using your tongue
There was a fire that only I felt
My skin burned without flames; making me breathless, making my heart melt
I couldn’t see in the dark,
but you made it clear for me to watch
without opening a light
You took those images in my head
and created them for us to experience
You were a mind reader; I didn’t even need to speak
Your techniques were illusions;
You explained the whole night before you took control
I felt all those tricks
I watched all those acts
It all became real
Your hugs tricked me into being in handcuffs
Your lips muted my voice
Your tongue numbed my breath
You made a fire without a lighter and a log
It was hot without a heater and the sun
Your the magician, while I’m your contestant
You did a disappearing act;
The one that made your wand disappear inside my body

Replaced my head with a stone;
Because Ive knocked myself out several times.
Replaced my bones with sticks & twigs;
Because Ive gained weakness.
Replaced my face with fire;
Because I kept trying to burn the mask.
Replaced my hair with water;
Because I kept drowning in my tears.
Replaced my arm with blades;
Because I kept hurting myself.
Replaced my feet with thorns;
Because I kept piercing my balance.
Replaced my hands with weights;
Because I kept falling.
Replaced my blood with alcohol;
Because I drank to forget.
Replaced my heart with glass;
Because I broke it in a million pieces.
Replaced myself with a stranger;
Because my old spirit has given up.

The feeling when my mind is numb
Is when i lose all concentration when i try to think
In a sudden shock; i freeze
My body is frozen, and then i forget how to breathe
Silence is interfering when i try to look for hidden words
I cannot speak when i want to speak
Something is stopping me
I forgot everything i wanted to do;
Everything i wanted to say
It all got ripped out of me
I feel so empty inside
I use to write with my brain
I had words all over me
My stories were told
My memories would show
Then my mind erased it all
The good memories turned bad
The stories didnt end happy
The other side of me changed and stood out more then the light
I was covered in black
I cannot erase what got painted on me
Its all black
Its all dark
I feel blind
I feel scared
No words are allowed to be spoken
I know because i tried
Its like my memories restored
Its like the good ones were a dream
Im in a nightmare now
And now i can hardly see
Now i try to use my head,
But it just keeps blocking me
Im limited to my thoughts
Im limited to speak out loud
Then when i speak in silence, its so hard to think
My body got washed out
I cant remember how to move
My voice got washed out
I cant remember how to speak
My hearing got washed out
I cant remember how to listen
My sight got washed out
I cant remember how to see
My breathing got washed out
I cant remember how to breathe
My heart got washed out
And then my mind took over
There is emptiness within

Gripping so hard,
But slowly it slips away
There comes that time where we prepare to have another cry
The strength tried to hold on
But then got showered with weakness
It became hard to hear
It became hard to speak
It became hard to see
It became hard to breathe
We remember the beauty
We remember the memories
We remember the love
We remember the smiles
We remember the times
We remember the hours
We remember the minutes
We remember the seconds
We remember the first breath
Through the years that made us happy
Now we will remember the last breath
And know that happiness doesnt last forever
When a beating heart stops,
It shocks us through our body,
When a beating heart stops,
It also stops everyone else's suddenly
Light turns to darkness
And darkness keeps on winning
But then the brightest light was up above;
It overpowered, but left us mourning
This will leave the days dark
It will leave hearts so very heavy
The time will be slow
The moods will be depressing
And the memories will never fade away
But now there is no more pain to pray for it to go away


RIP Carmie
Love u always
Miss u forever ❤️

Isnt life supposed to be happy
Arent memories supposed to fade
Arent nightmares supposed to disappear
Isnt the devil supposed to run away
Arent bruises supposed to leave
Arent bones supposed to seal
Isnt blood supposed to dry
Arent cuts supposed to heal
I faint inside my body when it shows that my appearance is strong
Outside my body i show the strength that i wish i have when im alone
Uncontrollable feelings on top of these scars that never faded
I have to accept the bruises that come and go when my mind is weakened
I tried to end it all with a memory i tried to change
But then the nightmare came back and the devil reached out again
I was bruised and it comes back
My bones broke and the pain still attacks
The blood that pours out my strength makes me dizzy and then i drop
The cuts remain open forever because i didnt know how to make it stop
Isnt time supposed to heal
Because the wounds are still not gone
My body weakened itself from fear
I cannot get over whats done

Knowing eachother's likes
Our gifts is a way to surprise
Together watching movies
We use that time to just embrace
When we shut off the lights,
And light a candle
We breathe air into one another's body like we breathe in the smell from the light
The light that shines, goes through us as we stare into eachother's eyes
Our hands always held without letting go
We would be lost without eachother if our love ever broke
A kiss is so soft, so tender, so meaningful with excitement
The hug is a shield; blocking the wind, keeping in warmth, and used as a protection
A bed that holds us
And our strength that bonds us;
Its passionate and sweet,
When our clothes come off easily
Kisses are passionate
Hugs are so strong
Our love is so true and it is where it belongs
Its not about giving gifts
Its about giving ourselves to eachother
Its not about spending money
Its about spending time with your lover
Its not only a hug, its a reach for a wanted touch
Its not only making out, its a passionate kiss for our hearts to beat as one
Its not about make up, shaving or dressing up,
Its not only ***, its about making love
This day has meaning
It means alot
But this day never dies
Everyday is about love


*dedicated to my amazing husband Danny
Valentines never existed in my world before i met u
love u so much

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lighting;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walk through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes

The candles open a tunnel for us to see each others naked bodies
As you guide me through the curtain, I felt your hands all over me
The hot water sprays but i felt a cold sensation on the wall as you pushed me against it
Your kisses warmed me up even more than the water that flows onto us
The faucet doesnt cover me anymore; and instead its your body that layers me
Then the marks on my neck became dark bruises that made my blood flow faster
Your tongue continued to slide down my body, and my breathing became heavy
And then when we were ready,
you locked my hair into your fist, as you grip my hip really tight
As we slip into a deep seduction, we both are drenched
Drenched, not only from water; but from deep within our bodies
I try to find something to hold onto as you became rough
Then your body became my stabilizer as I began to shake

Why cant i see
Im wondering why my eyes keep closing
I feel the need to use my hands to open the lids from being shut
Why cant i speak
Im wondering why my voice is gone
I feel the need to whisper and try to get out a sound
Why cant i hear
Im wondering why my ears wont inhale sound
I feel the need to press my ears against the world to see if im listening
Why cant i move
Im wondering why my body wont get up
I feel the need to reach out for strength and see if i can lift myself up
Why cant i breathe
Im wondering why my lungs arent opening, and my heart doesnt pump
I feel the need to try to breathe air inside my own body;
But im unable to see
Im unable to speak
Im unable to hear
Im unable to move
So im unable to breathe; and if im dying inside there is no way im able to bring myself back to life
Im under a drug that wont fade away
Im in the middle of a crisis thats pushing to stay
Im trying to fight for the pain to go away
But the nightmare wont make me wake

I had fallen when i was small, and my scrapes were too small for me to even care
I healed and continued my days with not knowing how to cry
I fell a second time but it wasnt like any other
It wasnt the wind who pushed me
It was the force of my mind that was guiding me
I failed when i was supposed to pass
I gave up when i was supposed to succeed
I noticed i had some fears
My anxious tears, and alot of nightmares
I fell on top of a trap
The knife was sharp, and i stabbed my own back
I wanted to be weak
But at the same time i was fighting to be strong
I found out how it really felt to get hurt
I found out how it really felt to fall
Collapsed; i couldnt get up
As i pushed the mirror, i ended up on the floor
Shattered; i was broken
My bones gave up when i wanted to continue
I became friends with my enemy
I played with danger to satisfy me
As i walked into a hidden string, it tangled around my neck so i couldnt breathe
I hyperventilated when i wanted to bleed
I got anxious but i didnt wanna leave
Everytime i got up, i was pushed right back down
I never learned;
My new bed was the ground
I tripped over my own mistakes, then i broken my bones over my anger
I pushed myself ontop of the weapons, then i tore my skin over depression
I fell down my own dark path, then i shattered my body over my mind

So happy all of us together;
Because you were around.
You looked so beautiful;
& so happy to be with us once again.
I was happy that you came back.
All of us,
So surprised;
But it felt so real.
Felt so normal.
So comforting to be with you.
The conversations where we left off last,
& The stories we spoke of.
Your company made us all stay together.
Made us all reunite again.
Fun & games;
All the girls in one room;
Laughing about everyday life.
And then it happened once again;
You had to go.
Questions were asked.
So you told us you needed to leave forever once again.
To go back up to heaven;
& then we all suddenly drowned in our own tears.
After you came back,
I really thought you were back forever;
& never leaving us again.
So you went around to everyone of us;
Said your goodbyes.
I broke down in tears;
Told you not to go again.
But you said you had to go.
My tears suddenly washed away all my happiness;
And then you tears started to fall.
And you never drowned like we did;
But it all ended;
& you were gone.
I woke up so depressed.
I woke up so confused.
I woke up crying;
& then I balled my eyes out.
I felt like i was in another world.
A beautiful dream with you back;
With a sorrowful ending with you disappearing once again.
My head is still pounding;
I just stayed up all night feeling different.
I just felt like I suddenly got worse.
Now everything is going to get worse.
This dream really ****** me up;
& Im still crying.
Im traumatized once again.

I chewed up my dreams
I choked on my fears
I swallowed my enemy
Now i shoot out tears
There is no air passing through my nose
No air passing through my mouth
No air passing through my throat
No air passing through my lungs
Everytime i breathe it hurts
It hurts to take a breath
It just feels like knives stabbing me
And a hand squeezing my chest
I feel like im a cave,
Closing in on myself
My walls are crushing me
Theres no room for me to yell
Its dark, i cannot see
I cant see where i am
Im claustrophobic inside
I cant find a spot to clear my head
My chest is heavy
My heart is broken
My body is shaky
My skin is wounded
My lungs got crushed
My bones are shattered
My veins had popped
My body is a disaster
I cant breathe
I have forgotten how to breathe
I stopped caring to breathe when i tried to stop myself from continuing
I cant breathe
Im trying to breathe
I started to open my lungs
I just wanna be un-weak
I can breathe now
But my breathing is a mess
Im breathing fast now
Im hyperventilating in distress
I still cannot breathe

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lightning;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walked through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes
i find temporary shelter from the storm in my mind
But then i changed..
I kept wanting the feeling of the rain on my face, i became blind
I listened to the thunder too much, i became deaf
I played too much with the lightning, i became weak

So the shelter, that was my body, never lasted.
There was no escapism
I created a storm that was forced not to end
I tried, and i failed
How can a body be a shelter, if the mind is the storm

Its just a hidden name
But it means the same
In try to change it
But i feel the same
I try to re name it
But it looks the same
I cant undo whats done
All the colours that were mine,
Has disappeared away from my mind
Im experiencing a deep, dark shadow
And my image is escaping;
I wanna run & hide
Im drowning
And only myself can save my mind
My tears are whats making me unbreathe
As i try to gasp for air, i feel my lungs being crushed some more
The razor hides because i abused it
Now i smash a mirror to remake it
And im walking with my eyes closed
Do i really wanna do this again?
I cannot hold myself back
I am my own enemy
I try to stop myself from harm
But i keep forcing mutilation upon my body
On the floor i fall; i bleed
On the floor im struggling to save me
Once again i cry
Once again i hyperventilate
Once again im angry
Once again i abuse
Once again im in pain
Once again i dont care

On the floor i lay,
The broken pieces are torn from myself
Where do i stand?
I cant
Where do i walk?
I cant
Where do i sit?
I cant
Broken
Bleeding
Undone
Unstable
I allow myself to fall
And my mind allows me to fail
Unstrong; i fight
But my strength is giving out
Giving up; i fail
And my weakness wins once again
This is forever pain
Pain is forever
& im so fragile,
Because i have no more stability
I cannot hold myself anymore
And to hold myself,
I need to accept a frame
To hold me in place
To bring my body together once again
For peace in my mind
I need & want to break free
To make myself steady
To inject myself with chemical
To turn myself inside out
My body is bruised
My body is stripped
My body is scarred
My body is cut
Ive been forced to be inside a piece of wood
Glued and tied to by body
Pressed against my brain,
It is monitoring me now
Cannot move
But i move without hurting
Cannot talk
But i talk calmly
And if this frame breaks,
Then i break
I cannot live on my own
Together but apart;
Apart i cannot do it on my own
Together with help;
Apart i cannot do this on my own
Im inside a cage
Forever i will be chained
Its only for life.
Im inside a frame,
So my body is together
Im inside a frame,
My mind is all together
And once this frame falls
I know i will fall and break in pieces
I am so used to being held up with something else's strength
A guard that wont let me down
If it leaves, i leave
Im addicted to this chemical support
Im framed outside my body
I will not be stable on my own
The frame that holds me teaches
But i will never learn to breathe on my own,
If i let myself go once again

It was the kinda touch I wanted when I felt your hand around my throat
You squeezed for the air to be trapped, but you wanted to hear a scream
It was the kinda kiss I wanted when I felt your mouth ****** onto my lips
You bit for for me to bleed, and not to be cut
It was the kinda feeling I wanted when I felt your body holding me down
You pressed so I would be trapped, but you wanted to watch my body move
It was that kinda seduction I wanted when I felt everything you did
You made me fall in love with *** all over again

I replaced my happiness with tears,
Fallen out of my body as the memories never fade
I replaced my peace with hyperventilation,
Bringing my fears closer from worry
I replaced my door with a lock,
Closing myself inside these walls
I replaced my reflection with a shattered mirror,
I broke myself completely
I replaced my dreams with nightmares,
I fear what im seeing
I replaced the light with darkness,
I dont know where im going
I replaced my words with silence,
I just dont want to explain the truth
I replaced my stability with imbalance,
Im not allowed to choose who i wanna be
I replaced my skin with blades,
Bleeding from the inside out
I replaced my strength with weakness,
I ****** the life right out of my system

Im on edge and im waiting to fall off
I went too far and now i dont know how to correct the mistakes ive made
I chose to walk in the dark,
When the light shined in my face
I ignored everyones voice when i obeyed my evil conscience
I tried different things but only one was allowed to be involved
It was the one in which i hurt
The voice inside my head forced me to bleed
I had to choke to try to breathe
I had to be blind to gain my sight back
I had to be deaf in order to hear
I had to be silent to get my voice again
And to be numb meens i couldnt move forever
Almost dead;
I had to suffer
I felt everything and anything that crossed me
My strength gave out and so did my heart
I became weak
I became brittle
My bones would bring me down to the ground
My mind is dying while my body tries to fight
The illness lives inside me
The enemy tries to control me
I couldnt sleep without nightmares
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt see without my vision being blurry
I couldnt hear without my ears being plugged
I couldnt speak without my voice being mute
Numerous feelings going out of control
I couldnt release the anger without abuse
I couldnt release the tears without drowning
I couldnt release the sorrow without harm
I couldnt release the silence without pain
I sewed my wounds
I healed my thoughts
I bandaged my heart
But i covered my scars
I thought it was over but my blood kept eacaping
I went through a storm
I got shaken
I got tortured
I got beaten on the floor
Now to learn means gaining the strength again
I had to die to come alive again

My face is like a porcelain doll
White;
Delicate;
But broken,
I cannot move
I cannot speak
I cannot see
I cannot breathe
My body is dead
My heart is cold
My mind is frozen
My bones are brittle
Everything is frozen
Im in a bubble that wont burst
And i cant even yell for help
My vocal cords snapped
My lungs have gotten weak
I need oxygen
I cannot breathe
My soul is torn,
My spirit has disappeared
How do i move
I cant
Not on my own;
Not without anyone
Im dead waiting to become alive again
Wake me up from this nightmare
I just want to be back to normal
I have forgotten who i was
I have forgotten everything
Undo this pain
Undo this life
Save me from myself
My mind is taking control
Save me from myself
My mind knows how to win
Save me from myself
I need to be alive again
Im frozen
Im confused
My body is in pain
My body was used
My bones are breaking
My skin is stripping
My veins are snapping
And im losing control all over again
Open my mouth
I need air
Just breathe in me
So i can function once again
Im so unfocused
Bring me back

Force myself to reach it;
I just need to push up the blade while my tears run down my face.
Like Im in a rush,
Im craving it badly.
My heart pumps faster,
& I hyperventilate.
My anxiety is what suddenly strikes as Im on the floor, crying; freaking.
My strength suddenly turns to weakness as I finally pierce myself.
The racing thoughts slowly die down.
Its like I need air, so I finally stepped outside.
Im finally calm as my nerves recover.
Pleasured by dizziness.
Pleasured by relaxation.
& to see that Im bleeding;
I know its working;
And my mind tells me not to stop;
So im unable to stop.

The sadness inside has grown
The sadness inside developed a habit
And im still broken
The tears that keep falling,
Developed an ocean & so ive drowned;
Thinking about one thing
Everything will always continue to be black;
& the colours of my spirit have faded away
The silence of my voice is the only loudness thats being heard
Im deaf being quiet
Im mute from screaming
Im drowning from crying
I walked on black ice,
And fell many times
I tried to swim in water,
And i continue to drown
I tried to be strong,
But in the end i was weak
My head was so empy,
But full of sadness
My heart was empty,
But full of pain
My mind was empty,
But full of negativity
My spirits were empty,
But full of emotions
My eyes were empty,
But full of tears
The colour that represents this pain is dark
No shadows
No light
Just dark and black
And this is the depression in the end of this tragedy
This is my sorrow

Your upper body is strong,
While mine is weak.
Your hips r weak,
While mine are strong.
Your feet are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your hands are weak,
While mine are strong.
My legs are strong,
While yours are weak.
My arms are weak,
While yours are strong.
Your lips are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your eyes are weak,
While mine are strong.
Your upper body works mine,
While my hips work yours.
Your feet works mine,
While my hands work yours.
Your arms work mine,
While my legs work yours.
Your lips work mine,
While my eyes work yours.
In the end our minds are at the same level,
While our bodies are uneven.
In the end our minds are on the same page,
While our bodies are all over the place.
But in the end we wanted the same thing,
While in the end we did it different ways.

My heart is beating normally.
My breathing is so steady.
Until I wait;
Wait for you to ruin me.
You've already ***** me with your eyes.
I felt the blades piercing through my body.
Now I want to feel that pain with your hands.
I want to feel that the closer you walk,
The more excited I get.
The closer you walk,
The speed of my heart;
The speed of my breathing,
Gets faster.
Mentally,
Im ******* you.
Physically,
I want to copy the movie thats playing in my head.
The more I stare,
The more I want.
The more I want,
The more dehydrated I get.
& my body needs yours to quench mine.
My body needs yours to enter mine.
& my body needs yours to calm mine.
Excitement is striking even more;
My breathing is starting to get heavy.
& I need your lips as a puffer;
I have an invisible asthma, and its getting worse.
I need you to breathe into me;
Fill my lungs with your air & strength.
All these naughty thoughts going through my head is just strangling me.
& Im strangled by your ****** presence.
Its causing me to find my breath and catch it.
Causing me to find my pulse and relax it.
& then there you were;
Right in front of me.
No more invisible wall.
No more waiting.
I was getting so impatient.
& then we **** the lights.
& then we **** the clothes.
Entering me finally,
The look in your eyes were asking me to breathe harshly.
& then your energy took over my body.
Your ears just wanted to hear,
Your eyes just wanted to see,
How crazy you can get me.
Then finally,
All your power,
All your strength.
All my power,
All my strength.
I wanted more & more each time.
Gasping for air,
There were no words.
Gasping for air,
I couldnt even speak.
The air through my lungs,
Turned my body into a tornado that you've created.
& so Im spinning with unstoppable pleasure.
You've released your energy onto me.
I've released my excitement onto you.
Im beginning to choke.
The air through my chest,
The pounding of my heart;
I blame you.
I have forgotten how to breathe.
I have forgotten how to scream.
The pleasure that Im feeling cannot be described.
Faster,
Harder,
Deeper;
My breathing is speeding up.
Stronger,
Crazier,
Driven,
I cannot catch my breath.
Hotter,
Sweatier,
Harsher,
Im finally hyperventilating.

I took a break from that sugarless candy,
The one that makes my mind sane
I was calm but triggered at the same time so it was time for me to quit
It happened, that I broke down again
A mental breakdown that was at its worst
My uncontrollable emotions made me scream like I learned a new tone
My body wouldn’t stop moving from the demands my brain was signalling between my bones
My heart felt all the abuse
And my whole body was breaking
I felt like something took over me, I was a different person
Out of control and crazy; my actions came before thinking
I felt like all these years my mind came back with revenge from being tamed
It was like I had all the symptoms starting from the beginning as if I was clueless;
Back to square one, where I didn’t recognize who I was anymore

The anxiety was too intense
My chest was too tight; with cramping
Then I forgot how to breathe
I was out of control with every small trigger
The darkness mind had woken, though I thought it was dead
Only sleeping, waiting for an opportunity that always was waiting for me to give up once again
My screams made me deaf
My actions made me scared
I had days that I was unmedicated
And those days were the best I’ve ever had;
loving the symptoms of a broken, crazy person

After some time, my mind cooperated after I broke
I took the pill again, but at a higher dose
It created another problem, that I had absolutely no control
The anxiety was at its worse once I began taking the pill
Felt like it was doing more harm; I wanted to feel normal without those milligrams
I felt my heart beat at its fastest
And then my chest started cramping all over again
I felt so sick to my stomach;
Enough that food was forbidden; to stop eating
A few days, my body was empty
Anxiety was in control; demanding my body go unnourished
I saw nothing but evil
That’s when I wanted to break each mirror I looked in
Cause deep down I couldn’t save myself all over again
Deep down I didn’t want to save myself and make the darkness end
I hated the dizziness, while I loved it
The feeling of being drunk, but I never had a sip
I endured a great weakness inside
Physically I felt something that I was forced to hide
I looked at my face, my skin, and body
I looked at my tears; the salted water that had me drowning

I was going back to how I was;
The silent stranger that he once helped me escape from
This is round two of a dangerous breakdown
He came to my rescue again from all my demons
It was the exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful

I had my days of emptiness;
Those moments of anger & anxiety
I had my hours of darkness;
Those moments of loneliness & fear
I had my minutes of sadness;
Those moments of drowning in my tears
I had my seconds of moodswings;
Those moments when I lost all control

I was at my highest of losing control, my body became so exhausted
Like a toddler having a tantrum, I didn’t care who I disturbed, who I hurt, how I sounded, and how I looked
My heart made an entrance; but weak
It finally warmed me up, but I still wasn’t free
With the lack of food, It was hard to laugh; so my muscles were weak
My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe
As I tried to speak, it was an unrecognizable hoarseness from the screams that took over my vocal chords
I knew my body was weak
I knew my mind failed me all over again
The exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful
I did it one last time just to feel the pain from the inside out
I suddenly had a calm breath that stopped me
Then I finally realized, this shouldn’t be me

Across my body, i have an overlayer of mistakes
Im trying to dig out all my problems
Im trying to bleed out all my worries
Im trying to squeeze out all my fears
But instead i cleaned out all my strength
I developed a habit that i cannot put to rest
Im just wanting to pretend that I cant feel all the hurt
But i think about the pain that put me in the middle of the darkness
I inhaled the dangers of my curious thoughts
In the end i got trapped in my own web
And then i was like a spider;
Trying to escape what fears me
Everything is so much bigger than me
But my body is small because i shrunk myself and hid from it all
Then suddenly i couldnt help myself
I got crushed and i lost myself
Deep inside my body, i broke my own bones
The scars that appeared had me covered with my regrets
Now i peel off my guilt,
I bleed all over agan

My heart has been used over a thousand times
Over and over i saw the truth break through my soul
I was transformed into someone i didnt recognize;
Now my mind has full control
My eyes stayed open, and then i was forced to see what i didnt wanna see
My ears were aching, from the noises i couldnt block out
My voice was damaged, from the screaming i warned when i needed freedom
My body fell over as i tried to run, but i tripped over all the hurts that block my way..
My heart was pounding fast with these emotions that went through
But my mind was satisfied because it was the only one; happy
I wanted to close my eyes because they were burning
I wanted to plug my ears because they were hurting
I wanted be silent because my throat was stinging
I wanted to get up because my body felt so heavy
I wanted to slow myself down because i actually wasnt breathing
I wanted to shut down my mind because its slowly draining me

When the lights go out
When my fears come closer
When i feel like im choking
When i feel my skin shiver
When i need oxygen to breathe
When im intoxicated with liquid
When i need the drug to function
When i draw blood from my skin
When i cry
When i yell
When im quiet
When im loud
When i panic
When im scared
When i hallucinate
Is when noone is there
When i have anxiety
When i hyperventilate
When i become violent
When im filled with hate
When i see negativity
When i hear the lies
When i feel the cold
When im hurt inside
When im out of control
When i cant find the strength
When its just too much to handle
Is when everything goes blank
Goodbye to the freedom
Hello to my new chains
Goodbye to the happiness
Hello to my tears that rain
Goodbye to the light
Hello to the dark
Goodbye the bright colours
That were in my heart

Im behind a door so that noone can see me
When i appear in front of everyones eyes, its like an act that im forced to perform
I cant pretend that im breathing,
When im actually choking
Im strangling myself silently until im hyperventilating alone
I keep quiet in a crowd
Then i scream when noones around
I keep my eyes dry until they burn
Then i try to smile when my cries are heard
Im leaning on myself
But then i fall
I wasnt strong enough to hold my body;
Because i was too weak to hold on to my fears
I slipped away
I fell & broke
I let go of something that I wasnt able to hold
My pieces were lost and so was i
My body was shattered but i couldnt open my eyes
I was crowded from the images inside my eyes; i couldnt see
My lungs had collapsed from being caved in; i couldnt breathe
My throat closed in from swallowing the negativity; i started to choke
My heart kept pounding fast; and then it suddenly broke
My body gave out; so i became weak
My bones veins snapped in pieces; so my nerves kept bothering me
I stay silent
Im silent but frustrated inside
I wanna break free
But im being held down
I wanna undo these knots that have me captured deep within myself
No time to breathe
No words to speak
No getting rid of the fears that cause this anxiety

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self

Its like a deadly nightmare;
Only Im wide awake.
Its like a death game;
And Im the one losing.
Time passes faster than ever;
Before I know it,
Im hallucinating till the morning.
Im being tricked,
Because my mind is playing games.
Im being punished,
Because my heart decided to fail on me.
Daylight seems forever.
The darkness keeps frightening me.
My nightmares wont stop,
& I keep getting terrorized all night long.
My body jerks.
My body is so tense;
Unable to relax.
My head is the one whos laughing.
Anxiety attacks;
I cannot breathe.
& in the middle of the night;
I either way up crying.
I either wake up screaming.
I either wake up starving.
I either wake up so dehydrated.
Im boil with hot flashes;
Im attacked with burns.
Im invisibly bruised;
Im tossing & turning;
I just cannot control it.
Im just teased from that voice in my head;
That keeps me up.
& so I feel like there is a string attached to my neck;
& that someone is pulling me up on the other end.
I havent yet experienced what sleep really is.
Is it a deadly game?
Will someone try to **** me if I try to sleep?
So disturbed;
I just stay up all night.
& Im so overtired;
That I dont feel tired anymore.
I can never imagine passing out.
I feel as if I can last...
..Because Im lasting the whole night.

I cried a million times to think that i had no more energy to push out the tears
But now im thinking twice because i feel it all over again
Im getting drained once again
I feel my heart pounding like before
I cant accept what i wanted to be unreal
I cant push away what the images are showing me
I appear alone
I appear alone with the door closed
Not only closed; but locked with an invisible key
As i lay down, the weight chokes me
Just forcing myself not to breathe; i cant think anymore
I feel a set of invisible hands strangle me as i lose control
I cant continue to think, when its making me worse
I close my eyes to try to remember how to breathe
Then suddenly i feel a wave of anxiety hit me
The fears find me,
My memories say hi to me
The past; that haunts me
I cant control whats happening
I cant control what stays
I cant control what visits me
I just cant control these emotions that remain
Lying here, feeling small
Feeling like i have no voice
I cant breathe; its just hard to breathe
Now my eyes cant see
On my back i hyperventilate,
On my back im choking
The weight is on top of me and now im trying to break free
Turning over, trying to catch my breath
I cannot escape from this feeling
My hands are so shaky as i try to gain strength to squeeze whats under my head
I thought that if i move i would erase all my thoughts
But its the same; if not worse
I feel my face all wet
Wet, from my eyes that i couldnt control
I tried to be strong one last time but i failed
Its pointless for the pain to just go away
I tried to burry my thoughts
I tried to burry my fears
But i buried my face to try to forget
But im only releasing my tears..

That part of your body when something is taken
Then your unable to function
It squeezes out and escapes until the memory game is played
Normality is hiding
And the darkness is seeking
I left myself alone
And then i lost it all
My mind went left and my body went right
My mind turned on me and my heart ran from me
I suddenly lost control and so i suddenly lost myself
I cant remember how i ended up so deep
Deep inside a hole, that im sinking each time i fail
When i failed i looked through a reflection for my last hope..
I looked in the mirror and i asked for my memories
It just threw itself on the floor and shattered to pieces
The pieces were the memories that wouldnt allow me to piece back together
Piece by piece, i bleed when i pick up the glass
I have to start over
I have to piece it back together
The mirror broke itself to test me
I have to gain it all back
But where do i find my strength because it got erased

I pretended like i was a fortune teller,
because i was used to the negativity that happened all around me
For years, i never prepared for the worst,
but i prepared my emotions
I trained my mind to accept what was
thrown at me
And then i trained my body to accept what was harming me.

I got anxiety before things happened
I cried before i knew what would make me sad
I got angry before i knew what would upset me
I became bruised before i was hurt inside
I bled before my skin was cut
I fought before a fight was started
I fell before i ran

I hyperventilated before the anxiety
I poured out tears before i could cry
I screamed before i could get angry
I was marked before i could get bruised
I drowned in my blood before i could bleed
I lost a fight before i could battle myself
I broke before i could catch my fall

I was already immune to the darkness, because i never saw the light
I was already immune to the pain, because i knew what always harmed me
I was already immune to myself,
because im the reason i was prepared

A razor cuts
A knife stabs
A punch bruises
I have been cut but not from a razor
I have been stabbed but not from a knife
I have been bruised but not from a punch
The razor was this tiny voice that noone heard, but was ignored from my mind
The knife was my heart that kept wanting to fight
The punch was my body bringing myself down
I was my own victim that i threw to the ground

I never gave a hand to decorate the christmas tree again
My strength was forced to stop all the fun
I never smelled the baking of christmas dessert again
Its a sweet tooth that ill never use again
I never helped wrap presents late at night again
Its the muscles in my hands that were forced to stop working
I never road in a car again
The rides for christmas visits had to be stopped
I never loved christmas again
That part of my heart is with a golden heart who is missing every year

Caged prisoner was in the past
I was dead inside my own body
I locked the door behind me because i didnt want to know how to escape
And so i buried the key
Like a caterpillar, im so slow
Most of all my strength was not fast
Going knowhere;
I just gave up
As the sun opened my eyes,
I knew i had to move on
This was the end
I undid everything from my mind
My chains
My thoughts
My scars
I unleashed myself and started to grow again
I had to learn to be trapped,
So that i can move again
I was closed in
But my body woke up
My mind turned on
I took my first breath
And the darkness around me,
Melted to colours
I finally took a proper breath
I finally opened my tight eyes
The trembling heart in my body,
Finally stable
My confused brain finally functions
No more worries
No more fears
No more drama
No more self mutilation
No more hating the mirror
Strength grew on me once again
I escaped the negativity
I undid the cocoons i once was in
My colours blind the evil
I moved fast away from it all
Now im in the sky,
Watching everything i once missed
That i didnt know from before
Butterfly;
Im finally free

My throat is clogged
And then my chest is tight
My hands are numb
And then my fingers tingle
My ears are ringing
And then my eardrums close
My eyes are tired
And then my eyeballs burn
My mouth is open
And then my tongue is dry
Im hyperventilating
And then i feel to faint
My body is exhausted from no sleep
Dehydrated without liquids
Weak without food
And this appetite that disappears only comes when im forced to swallow the anxiety; as i try to run away from it
Im shaky
I feel my legs are going to give out
I thought i got stronger
But my mind only made me weaker
And now i have to learn how to function all over again
My heart is beating so fast
I can hear it inside my ears
When my blood is boiling, my temperature rises
Im drenched in the sweat that got me choking on my own air
Through my lungs, i feel like everything has been blocked
It unblocks only when i open my mouth to hyperventilate
But then i swallow my own fears

I allowed myself to leave
I left without a sound
I shut the door and locked it
I turned everything upside down
Grieve;
I continue to have sorrow
Thoughts;
I continue to be dangerous
Silence;
I continue to hide
Weakness;
I continue to fight
Memories;
I continue to think
Pain;
I continue to experience my hurts
I wanna wash it all away
I wanna move it all away
I wanna let it all out
I wanna let myself go
If i wash away my wounds will it burn?
If i wash away my thoughts will my memories erase?
If i wash my fears away will my nightmares continue?
If i wash everything with my tears will it all disappear?
If i drown myself in my tears will all the pain go away?..

The darkness closed my eyes and made me go blind
Then i saw everything i feared inside of my head
My nightmares had me scared and then my heart suddenly raced
Once the nightmares were actually true, i started to hyperventilate
I felt all my anxiety as i tried to undo the strangulation
But i didnt know whats strangling me
I didnt know whats squeezing me
The darkness is all around me
Now my fears are bothering me
My thoughts wont leave me
My thoughts want me bleeding
Im trying to save myself from unbreathing
Im feeling my heart jump as i try to calm my nerves
Im feeling my breathing stop as i open my mouth and try to scream
Im feeling my eyes pop as i try to block the static
Im feeling my skin move as i try to sew my pieces back together
Im feeling my bones break as i try to hold myself together
Im black & blue
Im cold but im numb
Im broken & shattered
Im hyperventilating but im choking
Im scared & lost
Im fighting but im struggling
Im losing & its tiring
Im giving up but i wanna break off my fears from my neck

Your unexpected touch held my body so close to yours
You wouldnt let go but I never struggled
The kiss that you placed on me was followed by a bite that made me bleed
I never backed away because I wanted you to keep seducing me
You unbuttoned  me as i was thrown on the bed
You unzipped me as you lowered your head
I lay there watching your clothes come off
Then the bed intended as you climbed on top
I finally felt my wrists burning from the tightness of your hands
But I didnt want to break free from the trap that you had planned

The world was filled with happiness.
The world was filled with joy.
My family was filled with positive emotions.
But I was just filled with negative emotions.
I just woke up so depressed;
Because I didnt have you here.
The first time in my life;
Spending this day without you,
Made me feel so uncomfortable around people,
So unfocused around people,
So weird around people.
I just couldnt stop daydreaming about you;
& what it would be like if I had you here.
& because I wasnt used to this,
I didnt know how to handle it.
My tears have drowned me so deeply;
& Im sinking because I cannot keep my head up.
All I felt was empty.
All I felt was pain.
All I felt was depression.
& now It all wont go away.
The week of this day all i heard on the radio was "Mother's Day,"
& my heart stopped;
Then my breathing went faster;
& then it was like my body just got an electric shock.
Inside I was so numb;
Chills up & down my spine,
I just froze.
Now this day has come,
& Im missing something...
You're company,
You're love,
You're sweetness,
You're kindness,
You're happiness,
You're kisses,
You're hugs,
You're cooking,
You're spirits,
My Mother.
I just never thought I would spend this day without you.
I just never thought I would never see you again.
I just never thought I would regret so many things.
I just never thought I would feel this guilty.
I just never thought I would cry so much.
I just never thought that each day will get worse.
& I just never thought I would end up being so mentally weak;
Because I cannot handle it.
Without you here really kills me.
Without you here makes me unstrong.
Without you here makes me fill up the house with my tears.
& without you here on this day will never ever be the same.
& I will continue to cry forever.

I held on to memories that will never fade away
I squeeze my eyes tight thinking it will all go away
The water from my eyes burn my wounds but i dont care
It burns even more when i think into the past
And these scars will always be visible
I feel my heart pounding
As i see myself drowning
I feel my head spinning
As i see myself falling
I feel myself breaking
As i see myself bleeding
I couldnt hold on any longer
I just slipped away
And with the visions of my nightmares, i just want to lose sight
My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more
The memories of pain
The memories of suffering
The memories of remembering
It is the time of struggling
I couldnt see no more
The water took my sight
My face is all numb from wiping away the tears
And i could hardly breathe;
I choked and then i was never able to fight my fears
I couldnt see what was in front of me
I only saw what was within me
I forgot how everything looked around me
I only knew that i could never be set free
Did you ever cry so much that it burned?
Did you ever cry so much that it hurt?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt breathe?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt see?

I lived with weakness
I lived with fear
I lived with anxiety
I wanted it all to disappear
I lived angry
I lived depressed
I lived violent
My head was always a mess
I lived with nightmares
I lived with evil
I lived with darkness
I couldnt talk to people
I lived tortured
I lived scared
I lived negative
I lived intoxicating
I lived bruising
I lived bleeding
I chose to abuse me
I lived fighting
I lived crying
I lived screaming
Felt like i was dying
I already sat and drank
I already lay down to cry
I already ran and screamed
I already heard and saw all the lies
I already fought evil
I already played with my fears
I already battled my nightmares
But then i had to face the mirror
I already struggled to breathe
I already felt all the moods squeezing my body
I already made myself bleed
And all the memories are still with me
I went through it all
I felt it all
I witnessed it all
And now i numbed it all
I got comfortable with the pain