Force myself to reach it;
I just need to push up the blade while my tears run down my face.
Like Im in a rush,
Im craving it badly.
My heart pumps faster,
& I hyperventilate.
My anxiety is what suddenly strikes as Im on the floor, crying; freaking.
My strength suddenly turns to weakness as I finally pierce myself.
The racing thoughts slowly die down.
Its like I need air, so I finally stepped outside.
Im finally calm as my nerves recover.
Pleasured by dizziness.
Pleasured by relaxation.
& to see that Im bleeding;
I know its working;
And my mind tells me not to stop;
So im unable to stop.

Away forever
Forever a disappearance
Im still looking for you
Are you hiding
Im still running for you
Is it hide and seek
Trying to unto the pain of sorrow
I dont think im ever going to accept what shouldnt have happened
It doesnt feel real
I wish it wasnt real
Are you still here?
Im vulnerable;
My mind is telling me your still here
Like you were here yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow;
Im only lying to myself
But thats what it feels like
Looking at a picture,
With your face thats inside.
I feel like im face to face with you
Just talking like it was before
I reach out and touch you
I reach out and kiss you
I reach out and hug you
But the paper is gently put back
And then you stare with the eyes you once had
The family you once had
Were here but your there
If i cut you out of the frame,
Will you come back
I thought God was powerful
But he doesnt use me
Your alive
Only in my heart
Only in my dreams
I wanna close my eyes forever

I felt like i was squeezed;
Like my body was ******* itself into my bones
I felt like i was choking
Like my vocal cords had been snapped from the impact within my soul
I felt like i was weak;
Like my legs just collapsed over my feet
I felt like i was numb;
Like my skin went into a deep sleep
I felt like i couldnt move;
Like my bones turned brittle from the weakness from the cold
I felt like i was dizzy;
Like my head was spinning me around into circles
I felt like i couldnt focus;
Like my eyes kept going blurry
I felt like i couldnt hear;
Like my ears took everything in as being staticky
I felt like i couldnt breathe;
Like my lungs had been broken and my heart stopped suddenly
I felt like i could speak;
That my air had pronounced as being anxiety

Its all coming back
And i want it to stop
Nothing is working;
I thought this therapy was working
The therapy that i created to achieve a strength that is now fading away
Im feeling sick
Im feeling weak
Im feeling pained
And i cannot breathe
Im scared again
My fears have returned
Im scared again
My anxiety never learned
Im back to square one,
How it never made sense
I couldnt round off the edges into a circle
When i finally made that circle, i was in the middle and then i spun
Again it never stopped
Now the shape im in is pointed
I feel the thorns dig into my skin
I feel weak
I feel i cant feel
I feel numb
I feel i cant speak
I feel stiff
I feel i cant walk
I feel dizzy
I feel i cant breathe
I feel frozen
I feel i cant think
I feel pain
I feel im bleeding all over again

I chewed up my dreams
I choked on my fears
I swallowed my enemy
Now i shoot out tears
There is no air passing through my nose
No air passing through my mouth
No air passing through my throat
No air passing through my lungs
Everytime i breathe it hurts
It hurts to take a breath
It just feels like knives stabbing me
And a hand squeezing my chest
I feel like im a cave,
Closing in on myself
My walls are crushing me
Theres no room for me to yell
Its dark, i cannot see
I cant see where i am
Im claustrophobic inside
I cant find a spot to clear my head
My chest is heavy
My heart is broken
My body is shaky
My skin is wounded
My lungs got crushed
My bones are shattered
My veins had popped
My body is a disaster
I cant breathe
I have forgotten how to breathe
I stopped caring to breathe when i tried to stop myself from continuing
I cant breathe
Im trying to breathe
I started to open my lungs
I just wanna be un-weak
I can breathe now
But my breathing is a mess
Im breathing fast now
Im hyperventilating in distress
I still cannot breathe

Its just a hidden name
But it means the same
In try to change it
But i feel the same
I try to re name it
But it looks the same
I cant undo whats done
All the colours that were mine,
Has disappeared away from my mind
Im experiencing a deep, dark shadow
And my image is escaping;
I wanna run & hide
Im drowning
And only myself can save my mind
My tears are whats making me unbreathe
As i try to gasp for air, i feel my lungs being crushed some more
The razor hides because i abused it
Now i smash a mirror to remake it
And im walking with my eyes closed
Do i really wanna do this again?
I cannot hold myself back
I am my own enemy
I try to stop myself from harm
But i keep forcing mutilation upon my body
On the floor i fall; i bleed
On the floor im struggling to save me
Once again i cry
Once again i hyperventilate
Once again im angry
Once again i abuse
Once again im in pain
Once again i dont care

Eyes wide open,
My eyes never tire out.
It suddenly startles me,
when the light goes down.
Unable to shut my eyes,
Unable to fall asleep.
Unable to finally wear off,
Unable to be in peace.
Im just in disturbia when the night approaches;
Insomnia when I try to sleep.
Silence is getting noisy;
The darkness is what scares me.
My nightmares haunt me all night;
My body just jerks with fear.
My nerves are just shot;
Everything is just so unclear.
Im just so overtired;
That I dont even feel exhausted.
Im just so out of it;
My sleep habits are forever melted.
Im so woken up from the darkness;
& so restless from being up.
Im so sick & tired of trying to overcome my fears;
I just feel so locked up.
& everytime I try to close my eyes;
My body jerks reminding me not to pass out;
& every night Im losing sleep;
But I can never turn the lights out.
& its just insomnia keeping my eyes busy on a lookout;
& its just all in my head;
But Ill never get over the fear;
No matter how much I shout.
So Im awake when my alarm starts;
Im awake all night long.
To suffer with patience for the day to come;
Because when I try to fight my fear,
Im just not that strong.

All i see is darkness
All i feel is weapons
All i hear is myself screaming
All im doing is trying to breathe
The darkness shuts my eyes
The weapons tear open my skin
My screaming strips my vocal cords
I still cant breathe
A sudden change;
I dont know whats happening
I dont know what im feeling
And i can only feel my heart pounding
And i feel like im choking
I know ill never breathe
All the worries
All the pain
Is controlling my body & making me weak
Im trying to breathe,
While i struggle to breathe
Im trying to speak,
As i struggle to speak
But the air is just strangling me
I dont know what im supposed to do
Because im so confused
What is going on?
I feel so numb to gain feeling again
Now i lost all strength;
When i gained all weakness
And then my head spins as im getting so dizzy
My legs are wobbly as i try to walk;
Now i know im gonna fall

All the pain that was caused,
Had made my anger rise
My veins revealed themselves through my skin
And so my blood revealed itself through my cuts
How did this bleeding end
How did i live normal again
Im reaching into the mirror,
Hoping i can switch places with my twin
But its all the same
The mirror broke
And the pieces cut my skin
I bandaged the bleeding with food;
The late nights when i couldnt stop
I bandaged the bleeding with alcohol;
I drank my fears away, & drank myself to sleep
I bandaged the bleeding with ***;
I wasnt scared of strangers who took my worries away
I tried to bandage the bleeding with weapons, but i made it worse
And so i bled all over again
I licked my own wounds
But then i swallowed the pain back in my body
I covered my scars
But then the lid got worn out
I clothed my cuts
But then the weather got hot
I uncovered everything again
A bandage is not permanent
Im still wounded;
Bleeding from the inside out
With a drug i had to take,
It helped me push out all the toxins inside my body
I had to **** the poison out of my own body
And like a snake i took off all the dead skin i had
With the layers gone,
Im hoping my new body will last without harming myself again

Its slow but will be fast
Im beginning to feel weak inside myself
I feel like im tearing apart
And so the blades have appeared inside my life once again
Undoing my strength,
I have no more courage
Im so afraid to step ahead,
When im being forced to stay behind
Memories fade,
But the ones that stay, hurts
Im being tortured
And im bleeding until i faint
Fears haunt,
But the ones that really hurt;
Make me cry until i drown
Moods have grown
But the ones that ruin me,
Are the ones that are dangerous to me and everyone else
My breathing is changing on me
And when i hyperventilate;
It continues till i fall to the ground
Piece by piece im failing
One piece at a time
Piece by piece im disappearing
Each piece is my body and mind
Its stripping me
Its tormenting me
Is this ever going to end
Its scaring me
Its hurting me
Each piece is going to bend
One piece at a time,
Each time is a negative outcome
One piece at a time,
Each time its coming off of me
Im slowly disappearing
These pieces from my body are tearing easily
And im in no control
Im slowly vanishing
These pieces one at a time;
And this time is speeding up
Soon ill be gone
Soon ill be forgotten
One piece to scream
One piece to cry
One piece to have anger
One piece to hyperventilate
One piece is my eye;
I cannot see
One piece is my nose;
I cannot breathe
One piece is my mouth;
I cannot speak
One piece is my ears;
I cannot hear
2 pieces of my arms;
I cannot reach
2 pieces of my legs;
I cannot run away
3 pieces of my mind, body, and soul
Now my pieces are scattered on the floor
Like an impossible puzzle,
I cannot put myself back together again

My face is like a porcelain doll
White;
Delicate;
But broken,
I cannot move
I cannot speak
I cannot see
I cannot breathe
My body is dead
My heart is cold
My mind is frozen
My bones are brittle
Everything is frozen
Im in a bubble that wont burst
And i cant even yell for help
My vocal cords snapped
My lungs have gotten weak
I need oxygen
I cannot breathe
My soul is torn,
My spirit has disappeared
How do i move
I cant
Not on my own;
Not without anyone
Im dead waiting to become alive again
Wake me up from this nightmare
I just want to be back to normal
I have forgotten who i was
I have forgotten everything
Undo this pain
Undo this life
Save me from myself
My mind is taking control
Save me from myself
My mind knows how to win
Save me from myself
I need to be alive again
Im frozen
Im confused
My body is in pain
My body was used
My bones are breaking
My skin is stripping
My veins are snapping
And im losing control all over again
Open my mouth
I need air
Just breathe in me
So i can function once again
Im so unfocused
Bring me back

It all started when that salty water from the eyes, creates its first tears;
making a skin damp that can quickly be wiped off
That damp skin turned wet when the tears became heavy
Its hard to quickly wipe now; there is more salt water burning my face
I felt a puddle, underneath my body
I thought a sadness passed, but I was stepping in my tears now
I stepped out of my puddle,
then fell into a river
I gasped for air from the thin layer of water that covered me
I felt like I was half drowned;
and that my strength broke from me
I figured out my anxiety, my anger & fears
I figured out my sadness, my moods & nightmares
Im actually sinking
because now I created an ocean,
and Im actually drowning
I never knew a drop of rain could turn into a drop of my body;
drowning purposely by me

Gripping so hard,
But slowly it slips away
There comes that time where we prepare to have another cry
The strength tried to hold on
But then got showered with weakness
It became hard to hear
It became hard to speak
It became hard to see
It became hard to breathe
We remember the beauty
We remember the memories
We remember the love
We remember the smiles
We remember the times
We remember the hours
We remember the minutes
We remember the seconds
We remember the first breath
Through the years that made us happy
Now we will remember the last breath
And know that happiness doesnt last forever
When a beating heart stops,
It shocks us through our body,
When a beating heart stops,
It also stops everyone else's suddenly
Light turns to darkness
And darkness keeps on winning
But then the brightest light was up above;
It overpowered, but left us mourning
This will leave the days dark
It will leave hearts so very heavy
The time will be slow
The moods will be depressing
And the memories will never fade away
But now there is no more pain to pray for it to go away


RIP Carmie
Love u always
Miss u forever ❤️

I wasnt hungry but i starved
I wasnt thirsty but i was dehydrated
I wasnt cold but i was frozen
I wasnt hot but i burned up
I wasnt talking but i screamed
I wasnt listening but i heard
I wasnt seeing but i noticed
I wasnt moving but i was fighting myself
I wasnt breathing but i hyperventilated
I wasnt eating so i swallowed my fears
I wasnt drinking so i drank all the poison
I wasnt keeping warm so i fell in the fire
I wasnt cooling down so i broke the ice on my body
I wast keeping quiet so i zipped my mouth shut
I wasnt plugging my ears so i went deaf
I wasnt turning away so i went blind
I wasnt backing down so i bled myself to sleep
I wast controlling my breathing so i started to confuse it all
Over and over again..

Your upper body is strong,
While mine is weak.
Your hips r weak,
While mine are strong.
Your feet are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your hands are weak,
While mine are strong.
My legs are strong,
While yours are weak.
My arms are weak,
While yours are strong.
Your lips are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your eyes are weak,
While mine are strong.
Your upper body works mine,
While my hips work yours.
Your feet works mine,
While my hands work yours.
Your arms work mine,
While my legs work yours.
Your lips work mine,
While my eyes work yours.
In the end our minds are at the same level,
While our bodies are uneven.
In the end our minds are on the same page,
While our bodies are all over the place.
But in the end we wanted the same thing,
While in the end we did it different ways.

Knowing eachother's likes
Our gifts is a way to surprise
Together watching movies
We use that time to just embrace
When we shut off the lights,
And light a candle
We breathe air into one another's body like we breathe in the smell from the light
The light that shines, goes through us as we stare into eachother's eyes
Our hands always held without letting go
We would be lost without eachother if our love ever broke
A kiss is so soft, so tender, so meaningful with excitement
The hug is a shield; blocking the wind, keeping in warmth, and used as a protection
A bed that holds us
And our strength that bonds us;
Its passionate and sweet,
When our clothes come off easily
Kisses are passionate
Hugs are so strong
Our love is so true and it is where it belongs
Its not about giving gifts
Its about giving ourselves to eachother
Its not about spending money
Its about spending time with your lover
Its not only a hug, its a reach for a wanted touch
Its not only making out, its a passionate kiss for our hearts to beat as one
Its not about make up, shaving or dressing up,
Its not only ***, its about making love
This day has meaning
It means alot
But this day never dies
Everyday is about love


*dedicated to my amazing husband Danny
Valentines never existed in my world before i met u
love u so much

My throat is clogged
And then my chest is tight
My hands are numb
And then my fingers tingle
My ears are ringing
And then my eardrums close
My eyes are tired
And then my eyeballs burn
My mouth is open
And then my tongue is dry
Im hyperventilating
And then i feel to faint
My body is exhausted from no sleep
Dehydrated without liquids
Weak without food
And this appetite that disappears only comes when im forced to swallow the anxiety; as i try to run away from it
Im shaky
I feel my legs are going to give out
I thought i got stronger
But my mind only made me weaker
And now i have to learn how to function all over again
My heart is beating so fast
I can hear it inside my ears
When my blood is boiling, my temperature rises
Im drenched in the sweat that got me choking on my own air
Through my lungs, i feel like everything has been blocked
It unblocks only when i open my mouth to hyperventilate
But then i swallow my own fears

I replaced my happiness with tears,
Fallen out of my body as the memories never fade
I replaced my peace with hyperventilation,
Bringing my fears closer from worry
I replaced my door with a lock,
Closing myself inside these walls
I replaced my reflection with a shattered mirror,
I broke myself completely
I replaced my dreams with nightmares,
I fear what im seeing
I replaced the light with darkness,
I dont know where im going
I replaced my words with silence,
I just dont want to explain the truth
I replaced my stability with imbalance,
Im not allowed to choose who i wanna be
I replaced my skin with blades,
Bleeding from the inside out
I replaced my strength with weakness,
I ****** the life right out of my system

I watched a show inside my room
A show that created magic
I was the star in a magic show inside the mirror
A show that continues to replay every night
I acted in a magic show inside our room
A show that made the bed a stage
Made my clothes disappear,
and placed me in chains
Controlled my heart without reaching in my chest; and made it race
You took my voice box and tweaked it
You controlled the volume by using your skills
I thought the impossible couldn’t be done
You showered me by using your tongue
There was a fire that only I felt
My skin burned without flames; making me breathless, making my heart melt
I couldn’t see in the dark,
but you made it clear for me to watch
without opening a light
You took those images in my head
and created them for us to experience
You were a mind reader; I didn’t even need to speak
Your techniques were illusions;
You explained the whole night before you took control
I felt all those tricks
I watched all those acts
It all became real
Your hugs tricked me into being in handcuffs
Your lips muted my voice
Your tongue numbed my breath
You made a fire without a lighter and a log
It was hot without a heater and the sun
Your the magician, while I’m your contestant
You did a disappearing act;
The one that made your wand disappear inside my body

The world was filled with happiness.
The world was filled with joy.
My family was filled with positive emotions.
But I was just filled with negative emotions.
I just woke up so depressed;
Because I didnt have you here.
The first time in my life;
Spending this day without you,
Made me feel so uncomfortable around people,
So unfocused around people,
So weird around people.
I just couldnt stop daydreaming about you;
& what it would be like if I had you here.
& because I wasnt used to this,
I didnt know how to handle it.
My tears have drowned me so deeply;
& Im sinking because I cannot keep my head up.
All I felt was empty.
All I felt was pain.
All I felt was depression.
& now It all wont go away.
The week of this day all i heard on the radio was "Mother's Day,"
& my heart stopped;
Then my breathing went faster;
& then it was like my body just got an electric shock.
Inside I was so numb;
Chills up & down my spine,
I just froze.
Now this day has come,
& Im missing something...
You're company,
You're love,
You're sweetness,
You're kindness,
You're happiness,
You're kisses,
You're hugs,
You're cooking,
You're spirits,
My Mother.
I just never thought I would spend this day without you.
I just never thought I would never see you again.
I just never thought I would regret so many things.
I just never thought I would feel this guilty.
I just never thought I would cry so much.
I just never thought that each day will get worse.
& I just never thought I would end up being so mentally weak;
Because I cannot handle it.
Without you here really kills me.
Without you here makes me unstrong.
Without you here makes me fill up the house with my tears.
& without you here on this day will never ever be the same.
& I will continue to cry forever.

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lighting;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walk through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes

Across my body, i have an overlayer of mistakes
Im trying to dig out all my problems
Im trying to bleed out all my worries
Im trying to squeeze out all my fears
But instead i cleaned out all my strength
I developed a habit that i cannot put to rest
Im just wanting to pretend that I cant feel all the hurt
But i think about the pain that put me in the middle of the darkness
I inhaled the dangers of my curious thoughts
In the end i got trapped in my own web
And then i was like a spider;
Trying to escape what fears me
Everything is so much bigger than me
But my body is small because i shrunk myself and hid from it all
Then suddenly i couldnt help myself
I got crushed and i lost myself
Deep inside my body, i broke my own bones
The scars that appeared had me covered with my regrets
Now i peel off my guilt,
I bleed all over agan

A spoiled handsome prince
A beautiful enchantress in disguise
A spell that would last forever
It was a test
A rose was an exchange
He turned her away, and had to remain ugly forever
Until he loves
Until he changes
He remain; a beast forever
Depressed & confused
His heart was so cold
He needed love
Before the rose got old
Far away a beauty appears
Her big hazel eyes had such good intentions
Her lips shine as she sings
And a brunette long hair waved around as she dances
Full of life
Full of kindness
The opposite of who she will soon meet will frighten her
A sudden trap,
The beasts heart exploded
Papa is trapped,
But she gained strength to free him
The deal she made
The shock of life
Her life,
Prisoner forever
Seconds to minutes, they stare at eachother with silence
Minutes to hours, they fight constantly
Hours to days, everything was finally stable
Days to nights, the heart became warm again
The sound of her voice calmed the nerves;
Calmed the castle
The touch of her body turned him weak;
Made eyes bigger
The two that danced;
The two that sang,
The two that slowly turned hate to love
Bitterness was he;
Who turned into kindness
Miserable was he;
Who turned into happiness
Scary was he;
Who he turned gentle
And then suddenly,
A disaster
A magic mirror never told a lie
Run;
She needed to run
The beautiful dress;
She needed to change
The tall friend; the love;
She wanted to leave
Papa is sick
She needed to leave
His emotions were mixed
Torn
Sad
But understanding, he let her go
The ROSE;
She had left behind
Home sweet home
Not for long,
Not for peace
And now they wanted to **** the beast
& the castle dark with fear;
Protection could only be so long before its broken into a thousand pieces
And then finally a nightmare got created
The door opens
The arrow pointed
A man, who was a real beast inside had struck a restored heart
So silent;
It was too silent
Her body exhausted so she threw herself at him
"Please dont leave me;
I LOVE you"
And then the last rose petal had fallen down to die
Seconds were approaching
And then his sweet heart stopped
Her tears became apart of the rain
Into the puddles, she shed
There was a deep depression in her eyes
There was no more hope inside her mind
Silence turned to noise
A struck of bright light,
And then some more
A struck of bright lines,
And then alot more
and as he lifted into the sky,
He was unzipped out of that hideous costume
It was an amazing site
The glowing skin of a transformed figure
Eyes more crystal blue then ever
The body of a newly updated prince
Heart finally of gold
The wind pushed him close
His breath opened his lips
"Its me"
And then he waited for her response patiently
& then she was speechless until she realizes the truth
They're eyes connected deep within their minds
Deep within their souls
The happiness struck her suddenly and softly her vocal cords pushed the words of excitement out of her red lips;
"It is you"

I allowed myself to leave
I left without a sound
I shut the door and locked it
I turned everything upside down
Grieve;
I continue to have sorrow
Thoughts;
I continue to be dangerous
Silence;
I continue to hide
Weakness;
I continue to fight
Memories;
I continue to think
Pain;
I continue to experience my hurts
I wanna wash it all away
I wanna move it all away
I wanna let it all out
I wanna let myself go
If i wash away my wounds will it burn?
If i wash away my thoughts will my memories erase?
If i wash my fears away will my nightmares continue?
If i wash everything with my tears will it all disappear?
If i drown myself in my tears will all the pain go away?..

I wait for a feeling that takes away the pain
I wait for a feeling that takes away the shame
I wait for a feeling to replace all the anger
I wait for a feeling to make the moods better
I wait for a feeling to feel no more anxiety
I wait for a feeling to feel less uneasy
I wait for a feeling to scare away my fears
I wait for a feeling that will prevent all my tears
I wait for a feeling that will heal my wounds
I wait for a feeling that will cover up the bruise
I wait for a feeling to erase the images that will last
I wait for a feeling to hopefully forget the past
And until i wait,
I wont ever know
And im so numb,
From the emotions that wont go

So happy all of us together;
Because you were around.
You looked so beautiful;
& so happy to be with us once again.
I was happy that you came back.
All of us,
So surprised;
But it felt so real.
Felt so normal.
So comforting to be with you.
The conversations where we left off last,
& The stories we spoke of.
Your company made us all stay together.
Made us all reunite again.
Fun & games;
All the girls in one room;
Laughing about everyday life.
And then it happened once again;
You had to go.
Questions were asked.
So you told us you needed to leave forever once again.
To go back up to heaven;
& then we all suddenly drowned in our own tears.
After you came back,
I really thought you were back forever;
& never leaving us again.
So you went around to everyone of us;
Said your goodbyes.
I broke down in tears;
Told you not to go again.
But you said you had to go.
My tears suddenly washed away all my happiness;
And then you tears started to fall.
And you never drowned like we did;
But it all ended;
& you were gone.
I woke up so depressed.
I woke up so confused.
I woke up crying;
& then I balled my eyes out.
I felt like i was in another world.
A beautiful dream with you back;
With a sorrowful ending with you disappearing once again.
My head is still pounding;
I just stayed up all night feeling different.
I just felt like I suddenly got worse.
Now everything is going to get worse.
This dream really ****** me up;
& Im still crying.
Im traumatized once again.

Caged prisoner was in the past
I was dead inside my own body
I locked the door behind me because i didnt want to know how to escape
And so i buried the key
Like a caterpillar, im so slow
Most of all my strength was not fast
Going knowhere;
I just gave up
As the sun opened my eyes,
I knew i had to move on
This was the end
I undid everything from my mind
My chains
My thoughts
My scars
I unleashed myself and started to grow again
I had to learn to be trapped,
So that i can move again
I was closed in
But my body woke up
My mind turned on
I took my first breath
And the darkness around me,
Melted to colours
I finally took a proper breath
I finally opened my tight eyes
The trembling heart in my body,
Finally stable
My confused brain finally functions
No more worries
No more fears
No more drama
No more self mutilation
No more hating the mirror
Strength grew on me once again
I escaped the negativity
I undid the cocoons i once was in
My colours blind the evil
I moved fast away from it all
Now im in the sky,
Watching everything i once missed
That i didnt know from before
Butterfly;
Im finally free

They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough

Im on edge and im waiting to fall off
I went too far and now i dont know how to correct the mistakes ive made
I chose to walk in the dark,
When the light shined in my face
I ignored everyones voice when i obeyed my evil conscience
I tried different things but only one was allowed to be involved
It was the one in which i hurt
The voice inside my head forced me to bleed
I had to choke to try to breathe
I had to be blind to gain my sight back
I had to be deaf in order to hear
I had to be silent to get my voice again
And to be numb meens i couldnt move forever
Almost dead;
I had to suffer
I felt everything and anything that crossed me
My strength gave out and so did my heart
I became weak
I became brittle
My bones would bring me down to the ground
My mind is dying while my body tries to fight
The illness lives inside me
The enemy tries to control me
I couldnt sleep without nightmares
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt see without my vision being blurry
I couldnt hear without my ears being plugged
I couldnt speak without my voice being mute
Numerous feelings going out of control
I couldnt release the anger without abuse
I couldnt release the tears without drowning
I couldnt release the sorrow without harm
I couldnt release the silence without pain
I sewed my wounds
I healed my thoughts
I bandaged my heart
But i covered my scars
I thought it was over but my blood kept eacaping
I went through a storm
I got shaken
I got tortured
I got beaten on the floor
Now to learn means gaining the strength again
I had to die to come alive again

Your unexpected touch held my body so close to yours
You wouldnt let go but I never struggled
The kiss that you placed on me was followed by a bite that made me bleed
I never backed away because I wanted you to keep seducing me
You unbuttoned  me as i was thrown on the bed
You unzipped me as you lowered your head
I lay there watching your clothes come off
Then the bed intended as you climbed on top
I finally felt my wrists burning from the tightness of your hands
But I didnt want to break free from the trap that you had planned

When the lights go out
When my fears come closer
When i feel like im choking
When i feel my skin shiver
When i need oxygen to breathe
When im intoxicated with liquid
When i need the drug to function
When i draw blood from my skin
When i cry
When i yell
When im quiet
When im loud
When i panic
When im scared
When i hallucinate
Is when noone is there
When i have anxiety
When i hyperventilate
When i become violent
When im filled with hate
When i see negativity
When i hear the lies
When i feel the cold
When im hurt inside
When im out of control
When i cant find the strength
When its just too much to handle
Is when everything goes blank
Goodbye to the freedom
Hello to my new chains
Goodbye to the happiness
Hello to my tears that rain
Goodbye to the light
Hello to the dark
Goodbye the bright colours
That were in my heart

My heart has been used over a thousand times
Over and over i saw the truth break through my soul
I was transformed into someone i didnt recognize;
Now my mind has full control
My eyes stayed open, and then i was forced to see what i didnt wanna see
My ears were aching, from the noises i couldnt block out
My voice was damaged, from the screaming i warned when i needed freedom
My body fell over as i tried to run, but i tripped over all the hurts that block my way..
My heart was pounding fast with these emotions that went through
But my mind was satisfied because it was the only one; happy
I wanted to close my eyes because they were burning
I wanted to plug my ears because they were hurting
I wanted be silent because my throat was stinging
I wanted to get up because my body felt so heavy
I wanted to slow myself down because i actually wasnt breathing
I wanted to shut down my mind because its slowly draining me

I pretended like i was a fortune teller,
because i was used to the negativity that happened all around me
For years, i never prepared for the worst,
but i prepared my emotions
I trained my mind to accept what was
thrown at me
And then i trained my body to accept what was harming me.

I got anxiety before things happened
I cried before i knew what would make me sad
I got angry before i knew what would upset me
I became bruised before i was hurt inside
I bled before my skin was cut
I fought before a fight was started
I fell before i ran

I hyperventilated before the anxiety
I poured out tears before i could cry
I screamed before i could get angry
I was marked before i could get bruised
I drowned in my blood before i could bleed
I lost a fight before i could battle myself
I broke before i could catch my fall

I was already immune to the darkness, because i never saw the light
I was already immune to the pain, because i knew what always harmed me
I was already immune to myself,
because im the reason i was prepared

Its like a deadly nightmare;
Only Im wide awake.
Its like a death game;
And Im the one losing.
Time passes faster than ever;
Before I know it,
Im hallucinating till the morning.
Im being tricked,
Because my mind is playing games.
Im being punished,
Because my heart decided to fail on me.
Daylight seems forever.
The darkness keeps frightening me.
My nightmares wont stop,
& I keep getting terrorized all night long.
My body jerks.
My body is so tense;
Unable to relax.
My head is the one whos laughing.
Anxiety attacks;
I cannot breathe.
& in the middle of the night;
I either way up crying.
I either wake up screaming.
I either wake up starving.
I either wake up so dehydrated.
Im boil with hot flashes;
Im attacked with burns.
Im invisibly bruised;
Im tossing & turning;
I just cannot control it.
Im just teased from that voice in my head;
That keeps me up.
& so I feel like there is a string attached to my neck;
& that someone is pulling me up on the other end.
I havent yet experienced what sleep really is.
Is it a deadly game?
Will someone try to **** me if I try to sleep?
So disturbed;
I just stay up all night.
& Im so overtired;
That I dont feel tired anymore.
I can never imagine passing out.
I feel as if I can last...
..Because Im lasting the whole night.

I held on to memories that will never fade away
I squeeze my eyes tight thinking it will all go away
The water from my eyes burn my wounds but i dont care
It burns even more when i think into the past
And these scars will always be visible
I feel my heart pounding
As i see myself drowning
I feel my head spinning
As i see myself falling
I feel myself breaking
As i see myself bleeding
I couldnt hold on any longer
I just slipped away
And with the visions of my nightmares, i just want to lose sight
My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more
The memories of pain
The memories of suffering
The memories of remembering
It is the time of struggling
I couldnt see no more
The water took my sight
My face is all numb from wiping away the tears
And i could hardly breathe;
I choked and then i was never able to fight my fears
I couldnt see what was in front of me
I only saw what was within me
I forgot how everything looked around me
I only knew that i could never be set free
Did you ever cry so much that it burned?
Did you ever cry so much that it hurt?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt breathe?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt see?

I dont have time to catch my breath;
& its catching up to me.
My body has broken down;
With my head on the floor.
I kicked it so far that Im so lost.
So my pieces have fallen;
But they are too sharp to put back together.
My heart was stabbed.
My head was completely torn from my body.
& so I walk with strings attached to my soul.
Ive gone so numb.
Ive gone so mute.
Ive been suffocated.
The water that drowns me,
Are the tears I want to take back into my body.
If I continue to stop the air ,
The air will continue to stop forcing itself through my body.
I just want everything to end.
I want myself to end.
Hide my face,
To hide myself.
Numb the pain,
To numb myself.
Cut out blood,
To cut myself.
Break the mirror,
To break myself.
Strangle my throat,
To strangle myself.
Cut off the air,
To cut off myself.
Im losing all air,
So I breathe no more.

I lived with weakness
I lived with fear
I lived with anxiety
I wanted it all to disappear
I lived angry
I lived depressed
I lived violent
My head was always a mess
I lived with nightmares
I lived with evil
I lived with darkness
I couldnt talk to people
I lived tortured
I lived scared
I lived negative
I lived intoxicating
I lived bruising
I lived bleeding
I chose to abuse me
I lived fighting
I lived crying
I lived screaming
Felt like i was dying
I already sat and drank
I already lay down to cry
I already ran and screamed
I already heard and saw all the lies
I already fought evil
I already played with my fears
I already battled my nightmares
But then i had to face the mirror
I already struggled to breathe
I already felt all the moods squeezing my body
I already made myself bleed
And all the memories are still with me
I went through it all
I felt it all
I witnessed it all
And now i numbed it all
I got comfortable with the pain

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lightning;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walked through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes
i find temporary shelter from the storm in my mind
But then i changed..
I kept wanting the feeling of the rain on my face, i became blind
I listened to the thunder too much, i became deaf
I played too much with the lightning, i became weak

So the shelter, that was my body, never lasted.
There was no escapism
I created a storm that was forced not to end
I tried, and i failed
How can a body be a shelter, if the mind is the storm

I thought it was over but my heart is still racing
I hear the pounding in my ears
I feel the breathing suffocating me
The numbness broke off all my circulation within my body
I cant hold on to what was already lost
My dreams have crashed
And my fears are still standing
My nerves are about to snap because im shaking
I feel like the darkness wont allow me to reach the the light
I close my eyes to make it darker and then i cry
I think then i get worried
I see then i get scared
I hear then i get startled
I feel then i get hurt
I thought i would never fall, but i did
My dizziness got the best of me; now i lay on the floor
I fell; not from being pushed
Not from tripping
Not from being off balance
..only from my mind within me
My heart shakes the floor
My lungs move the air
My thoughts play on a tv
I fear what isnt there..

I cried a million times to think that i had no more energy to push out the tears
But now im thinking twice because i feel it all over again
Im getting drained once again
I feel my heart pounding like before
I cant accept what i wanted to be unreal
I cant push away what the images are showing me
I appear alone
I appear alone with the door closed
Not only closed; but locked with an invisible key
As i lay down, the weight chokes me
Just forcing myself not to breathe; i cant think anymore
I feel a set of invisible hands strangle me as i lose control
I cant continue to think, when its making me worse
I close my eyes to try to remember how to breathe
Then suddenly i feel a wave of anxiety hit me
The fears find me,
My memories say hi to me
The past; that haunts me
I cant control whats happening
I cant control what stays
I cant control what visits me
I just cant control these emotions that remain
Lying here, feeling small
Feeling like i have no voice
I cant breathe; its just hard to breathe
Now my eyes cant see
On my back i hyperventilate,
On my back im choking
The weight is on top of me and now im trying to break free
Turning over, trying to catch my breath
I cannot escape from this feeling
My hands are so shaky as i try to gain strength to squeeze whats under my head
I thought that if i move i would erase all my thoughts
But its the same; if not worse
I feel my face all wet
Wet, from my eyes that i couldnt control
I tried to be strong one last time but i failed
Its pointless for the pain to just go away
I tried to burry my thoughts
I tried to burry my fears
But i buried my face to try to forget
But im only releasing my tears..

My heart is beating normally.
My breathing is so steady.
Until I wait;
Wait for you to ruin me.
You've already ***** me with your eyes.
I felt the blades piercing through my body.
Now I want to feel that pain with your hands.
I want to feel that the closer you walk,
The more excited I get.
The closer you walk,
The speed of my heart;
The speed of my breathing,
Gets faster.
Mentally,
Im ******* you.
Physically,
I want to copy the movie thats playing in my head.
The more I stare,
The more I want.
The more I want,
The more dehydrated I get.
& my body needs yours to quench mine.
My body needs yours to enter mine.
& my body needs yours to calm mine.
Excitement is striking even more;
My breathing is starting to get heavy.
& I need your lips as a puffer;
I have an invisible asthma, and its getting worse.
I need you to breathe into me;
Fill my lungs with your air & strength.
All these naughty thoughts going through my head is just strangling me.
& Im strangled by your ****** presence.
Its causing me to find my breath and catch it.
Causing me to find my pulse and relax it.
& then there you were;
Right in front of me.
No more invisible wall.
No more waiting.
I was getting so impatient.
& then we **** the lights.
& then we **** the clothes.
Entering me finally,
The look in your eyes were asking me to breathe harshly.
& then your energy took over my body.
Your ears just wanted to hear,
Your eyes just wanted to see,
How crazy you can get me.
Then finally,
All your power,
All your strength.
All my power,
All my strength.
I wanted more & more each time.
Gasping for air,
There were no words.
Gasping for air,
I couldnt even speak.
The air through my lungs,
Turned my body into a tornado that you've created.
& so Im spinning with unstoppable pleasure.
You've released your energy onto me.
I've released my excitement onto you.
Im beginning to choke.
The air through my chest,
The pounding of my heart;
I blame you.
I have forgotten how to breathe.
I have forgotten how to scream.
The pleasure that Im feeling cannot be described.
Faster,
Harder,
Deeper;
My breathing is speeding up.
Stronger,
Crazier,
Driven,
I cannot catch my breath.
Hotter,
Sweatier,
Harsher,
Im finally hyperventilating.

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self

The sadness inside has grown
The sadness inside developed a habit
And im still broken
The tears that keep falling,
Developed an ocean & so ive drowned;
Thinking about one thing
Everything will always continue to be black;
& the colours of my spirit have faded away
The silence of my voice is the only loudness thats being heard
Im deaf being quiet
Im mute from screaming
Im drowning from crying
I walked on black ice,
And fell many times
I tried to swim in water,
And i continue to drown
I tried to be strong,
But in the end i was weak
My head was so empy,
But full of sadness
My heart was empty,
But full of pain
My mind was empty,
But full of negativity
My spirits were empty,
But full of emotions
My eyes were empty,
But full of tears
The colour that represents this pain is dark
No shadows
No light
Just dark and black
And this is the depression in the end of this tragedy
This is my sorrow

Fallen apart,
Broken;
Bleeding through my scars.
Torn,
Shattered,
Bruised through my bones.
Im so weak;
Unstrong;
Without anymore strength.
Im just drained from everything.
Im just hurting from everything.
& Im drowning in my own tears.
I try to swim against my waves that I have created,
But I appear to sink.
I am my own enemy;
Because I gave myself no support.
& I threw out my own strength;
By fighting against myself.
In the end my arms bleed.
In the end my head is spinning.
& in the end my body is the one that leaves.
Im just a puzzle that noone can ever put together;
Because I have sliced my body in pieces.
& the one piece that is missing is my head.
I have just lost it.
I have just broke apart from it;
Because it is somewhere else,
While my body lays here;
In weakness.
& Im so helpless;
So hopeless.
I cannot control whats destroying me.
I cannot control whats breaking me.
I cannot put myself together again,
Because I am damaged

The darkness closed my eyes and made me go blind
Then i saw everything i feared inside of my head
My nightmares had me scared and then my heart suddenly raced
Once the nightmares were actually true, i started to hyperventilate
I felt all my anxiety as i tried to undo the strangulation
But i didnt know whats strangling me
I didnt know whats squeezing me
The darkness is all around me
Now my fears are bothering me
My thoughts wont leave me
My thoughts want me bleeding
Im trying to save myself from unbreathing
Im feeling my heart jump as i try to calm my nerves
Im feeling my breathing stop as i open my mouth and try to scream
Im feeling my eyes pop as i try to block the static
Im feeling my skin move as i try to sew my pieces back together
Im feeling my bones break as i try to hold myself together
Im black & blue
Im cold but im numb
Im broken & shattered
Im hyperventilating but im choking
Im scared & lost
Im fighting but im struggling
Im losing & its tiring
Im giving up but i wanna break off my fears from my neck

The anger started; & grew fast.
I was going completely crazy.
Depression wouldnt leave me.
& the river of my tears had pushed me out of the house.
Just needed an escape.
& needed to get away.
Just couldnt think anymore of the sickness that has been brought to her;
The hospital which held her.
Told to stay home,
But I didnt want to listen.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just needed the pain to leave me.
Left without a word.
Daddy had no control.
The wind quickly pulled me inside,
To drive away from it all.
The restaurant full of happiness,
I was still filled with sadness.
I was still hurting.
I was still bleeding.
I was still thinking.
& then it was over.
The houses invited everyone back in.
But my head forced me to stay out.
I took off, speeding.
The music was blasted;
Crying inside while I took the wheel again.
My silence never died.
It only became stronger.
I knew I couldnt be where I was,
But I just needed to forget what was going on.
Darker & colder;
Time flew by.
Quieter, & lonlier;
5am arrived.
Finally my energy died.
Finally my silence died.
Finally thats where I had lost control.
It became darker when I shut my eyes.
Then I became so careless.
I became invisibly drunk.
The next lane reached for me;
& ****** me in.
It became so silent.
Then became so noisy.
Coulnt think.
Couldnt breathe.
Just couldnt wake up from the nightmare.
Waken;
I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
Still so dark;
I didnt know where I was.
I felt no pain,
Because the sudden shock took over.
I felt so helpless.
I felt so destroyed.
I felt so broken.
& I was actually broken.
Still screaming,
The rescue took forever.
It was the sound of his voice that had tried to calm me down.
& then finally,
I was free;
With the broken vehicle;
That had finally let me go.
I thought immediately that I was going to die.
I felt the cold air,
Just peeling at my skin.
& I was so confused.
The bed held me up;
As I woke up from the tragic event.
Couldnt move;
And I thought I stopped breathing.
I had only my eyes & my ears to guide me.
When the spoke,
I felt so helpless.
I wanted to scream,
But couldnt.
I wanted to talk,
But couldnt.
I wanted to explain,
But couldnt.
Felt so claustrophobic,
With me being crowded.
Felt so heavy,
With the damage trying to heal itself from my body.
I didnt even know how to act anymore.
My memory suddenly failed on me.
& my mentality was so out of control.
Still thought it was a nightmare,
But I actually felt all the pain.
Mentally & physically.
My strength was put into a deep sleep.
& weakness grew stronger on me.
& with a big happening,
I felt so small.
I felt so weird everyday being there.
So many thoughts kept racing through my head.
Slowly;
But so impatient,
My strength waked itself from my body.
& I pushed myself;
Pushed myself to the limit.
Pushed myself too far,
To just get home quicker.
I faked at times.
I just wanted to go home.
& then it was that one day I couldnt stop the smile,
From hurting my cheeks.
It was when she showed her strength in front of my face.
& all her weakness died,
When she put everything aside,
To be so strong for me.
I thought she was angry,
But only the sound of her voice spoke so strong; so happy.
& I didnt even make an effort to ask about the pain within her.
I only saw it in her eyes;
That she was hurting deep inside.
& she was trying so hard to be so strong.
& when she left me each day,
My tears drowned me again.
Another wound on my body that was made.
Waited so impatiently,
I was so angry.
So frustrated.
So depressed.
The more I faked,
The more faster I thought I would leave.
And at the same time,
I pushed myself.
& forced my strength to come back again.
& in my mind,
I was thinking stronger;
To push even harder.
My strength had finally came.
My weakness had finally disappeared.
Back to normal once my body stepped foot into my door.
I felt strong again.
I moved again.
I breathed again.
Physically strong,
But now Im mentally weak.
Its over,
But the memories haunt me.
Memories of everything,
Everyone,
& myself.
No forgiveness is necessary towards myself; just hate..
To damage,
To cause a disaster.
& to cause such pain.
So inside,
Im still in pain.
Still thinking.
Still feeling the same emotions.
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
Nothing will be invisible.
Im actually not ok.

So innocent
So kind hearted
So giving
So loving
The miracles were like magic
And it was like he was a magician
And so he made it all happen..
Cured
Healed
Raised
Stilled
Opened
Loosened
Restored
Fed­
Cleansed
But they didn't like him
But they didn't believe him
But they didn't respect him
They were the definition of Evil
His wrists were trapped
And so he was arrested
Pulled
Pushed
Forced
His body was naked until they clothed him with nothing but a piece of cloth
Embarrassed
But so focused what the next steps
were about to happen
And then he started to feel the pain
Pointy
Circled
A crown on his head
Not just placed;
But pushed into his tender skin above his angelic face
And then he started to bleed
The pain wasn't over
Whips forced to touch his skin
His back covered with blood
And then he became weak
His weakness was trying to fight back his strength
And then this heavy piece of wood
Bigger then him
Thrown on his shoulder
And then he was forced to walk
Thrown to the ground
Thrown on top of a big letter T that was called a cross
The spikes suddenly pierced him
His hands
His feet
His beautiful skin was torn
The holes forced out red liquid that could never go back into his body
It was done
The pain wouldn't end
And then he was taller then everyone
In the air;
Suddenly he was pierced one last time
A sharp spear was forced through the side of his delicate skin
His body;
Ripped to pieces
And then he bowed his head
And then he closed his eyes
And then his last breath was made
And then his heart pumped one last time
And then he left
His soul was taken
His body was taken
Heavy hearts knew he wasn't coming back
And then it was so bright
They couldn't believe their eyes
Risen
He appeared
An angel had been created
Through eyes
Through ears
Through nose
Through mouth
Through heart
Through body
Through mind
The only person who can save your soul
The only person who will forgive your sins
The only person who has the power
The only person who can set you free

Why cant i see
Im wondering why my eyes keep closing
I feel the need to use my hands to open the lids from being shut
Why cant i speak
Im wondering why my voice is gone
I feel the need to whisper and try to get out a sound
Why cant i hear
Im wondering why my ears wont inhale sound
I feel the need to press my ears against the world to see if im listening
Why cant i move
Im wondering why my body wont get up
I feel the need to reach out for strength and see if i can lift myself up
Why cant i breathe
Im wondering why my lungs arent opening, and my heart doesnt pump
I feel the need to try to breathe air inside my own body;
But im unable to see
Im unable to speak
Im unable to hear
Im unable to move
So im unable to breathe; and if im dying inside there is no way im able to bring myself back to life
Im under a drug that wont fade away
Im in the middle of a crisis thats pushing to stay
Im trying to fight for the pain to go away
But the nightmare wont make me wake

There was a story that was true
Each chapter was full of drama
Each page was full of heartache
Each word was full of tears
Each letter i tried to make disappear
As i read myself through,
I cry and then the ink washes away as it turns into my blood
My tears have tried to knock my chapters out
Inside my life a new chapter keeps happening;
And then i always wish it would all go away
My hurt has returned
Each ending is actually a beginning
I cant escape from the cover that tries to close me inside
All the pictures, dark with no explanation
My colours had no strength to reveal themselves
These words inside;
Inside its my head
Im writing and screaming; my mind through my hand
My hand is so tight as i write on myself
Im writing the words of my insides that im forcing out
The pencil im holding;
A strange looking pencil
This pencil is actually an addiction
Im so brainwashed from my mind
I never knew pencils had blades..
As i sit and read myself one last time,
I rip out the pages
Now its even worse
What did i do?
Now im torn
Now im split open
I feel more chapters have come back to harm me
My skin is bleeding;
This book has no ending

Why was it created
Why did start
Why was it intended to destroy beautiful hearts
Why all the migraines
Why all the *****
Why all the dizziness
Something isnt right
Why all the confusion
Why all blurriness
Why all the signs
A need to start a fight
Why so many appointments
Why so many doctors
Why so many medications
Losing the mind
Why all the weakness
Why all the tension
Why all the frustrations
Barely holding on tight
Why so much pressure
Why so much stress
Why so much emotions
Why is the body trying to hide
Why the missing hair
Why all the weight loss
Why the spirit getting eaten up
Why is everyone starting to cry
Why all the pain
Why all the anger
Why all the suffering
Barely surviving life
Why did we lose
Why did the body pause
Why does this exist
Why do golden hearts stop