I scream,
Wishing you would scream back.
I talk,
Wishing you would talk back.
I hear my phone ring,
Wishing you were the person calling.
I answer my door,
Wishing you were the person who appears.
I eat,
Wishing you were eating with me.
I drink,
Wishing you were drinking with me.
I dance,
Wishing you were dancing with me.
I breathe,
Wishing you were breathing with me.
I listen,
Wishing I could hear your voice.
I walk,
Wishing you were walking behind me.
I laugh,
Wishing you were laughing with me.
I cry,
Wishing you would dry my tears.
I hyperventilate,
Wishing you would calm me down.
I bleed,
Wishing you would save me from myself.
I sleep;
& I know your here.
I dont ever want to open my eyes;
Because the only way I'll see you,
Is in my dreams.

Im struggling to talk
Its making me silent
Im struggling to breathe
Its making me hyperventilate
Im struggling to swallow
Its making me choke
Im struggling to see
Its making me blind
Im struggling to listen
Its making me deaf
Im struggling to run
Its making me walk
Im struggling to jump
Its making me stop
Im struggling to move
Its making me freeze
Im struggling to remember
Its erasing my memories
Im struggling to think
Its making me un smart
Im struggling to be happy
Its making me depressed
Im struggling to laugh
Its making me cry
Im struggling to be calm
Its making me angry
I wanna move
I wanna talk
I wanna see
I wanna breathe
I cannot move
I cannot talk
I cannot see
I cannot breathe
Im pushing,
But its pulling
Im pulling,
But its pushing
Im fighting,
And its fighting back
Im struggling,
And its winning
I wanna be free
I wanna go forward
My freedom is punished
And to go forward is forbidden

I gave myself extra attention
but it was the kind that wasn’t safe
I accepted the anger that turned my face red
It stole the happiness I lost
I hugged the mirror only when I cried
I kissed my pillow that I slept on for years missing the innocence
that I tried to hide
I inhaled that anxiety so deep cause it made me dizzy
I liked falling on the floor to wake my demons up to torment me
I loved the darkness cause it scared me
it was my alarm clock from insomnia to keep me awake
I gave words but I was a bad influence
and convinced myself to drink
So I welcomed that poison liquid, to wash away all of my fears
I accepted being drunk all the time,
because it brought out the stranger that I got along with
I gave all my love, but to a knife
and worshipped the blood that flowed out of my skin
cause it made me so dizzy
I gave all my trust to my mind
and it only hurt cause I loved myself for all the wrong reasons

Whos safe in our hearts, is not always safe for our spirits
Whos safe in our dreams, is not always safe in our nightmares
Whos safe in a photo, is not always safe in our memories
Whos safe in our brains, is not always safe in our minds
They are safe on the other side, but not safe for our health
They are safe above, but not safe for our life
They are safe in our hearts, but now safe in our tears
They were safe being close to us, but its not safe for our sanity is they forever disappeared

The slow breathing,
Before the fast;
Until my body is shocked with the sudden reaction.
My mind that takes over my heart,
Will never learn to be controlled.
I will never know what it feels like to be relaxed.
Just to be unworried,
Fearless,
Brave,
& to trust.
& through the darkness,
The light appears dead in silence.
Only the sound of fear,
Plays in my head.
Only the sound of my breath,
When I try to gasp for air.
My mind pushes strong;
There is no limit.
My heart is pushed so far;
It works so hard.
& then the air within my body,
Cannot be controlled.
My breathing,
So hard.
So heavy.
So fast.
& Im at the point where I cannot breathe.
It feels so harsh,
So painful.
My body weakens.
My body is dizzy.
My fingers & toes are so numb as I shake.
It just feel like there is an earthquake.
Im unable to walk.
These attacks are controlling me.
& with the dehydration my body goes through,
The water that is finally taken into me,
Drowns me when I need the moisture.
Its so hard to think with confusion.
Its so hard to focus with distraction.
Its so hard to try and catch my breath,
When hyperventilation takes over.

I shut everyone out
I kept everything inside
I showed i was ok
But inside i was always screaming
There was a lock on my heart that i never allowed to open
I threw away the key, and i coloured my heart black

I was kept behind invisible bars that i built
They became hot,
Whenever i tried to escape, i burnt myself
Behind the bars i still had no escape regardless if the bars melted me.
These walls never opened themselves for me to leave
They listened to me scream
They listened to me cry
They listened to me kissing my heart goodbye
I cried in every corner
I bled on their entire floor
I went crazy when i knew i couldnt free myself
I just locked myself in and i created a sell that turned cold

By myself everyday,
I just wanted to leave
By myself everyday,
I couldnt breathe
By myself everyday,
I had racing thoughts
By myself everyday,
I was so dangerous
By myself everyday,
I cried
By myself everyday,
I tried to fight

I begged my mind to let me go
I had enough
I wanted out
I was alone with myself so i became weak
As i began to have certain thoughts,
I became stranded from my own mind
When i was stranded, i turned to my heart
My heart was too weak when i wanted the help
I turned to a wall to listen to me
I turned to a second wall to hold me up while i fall
I turned to the third wall to take my punches
I turned to the fourth wall to save me

I questioned depression how to smile;  then it laughed at me
I question anger how to stay calm; then it ignored me
I questioned anxiety how to breathe; then it breathed hard down my neck
I questioned my mind how to change; then it changed my innocence

Undo the anger,
I can't handle the stress anymore
Undo the fears,
I don't want to be scared anymore
Undo the tears; undo the depression; undo the sorrow,
I don't want to cry anymore
Undo the nightmares,
I don't want insomnia anymore
Undo the noise,
I don't want to scream anymore
Undo the pain,
I don't want to feel anymore
Undo the hate
Undo the lies
Undo the haters
Undo the liars
Undo the two-faced
Undo the judging
Undo the talking
Undo the laughing
Undo the ignorance
Undo the selfishness
Undo the heartless
Undo the bitterness
Undo the tension
Undo the drama
It's enough
Undo them in my life

Red lines,
They mark up one big object.
Red lines,
They drip red liquid.
Red lines,
They leave a big mess.
Red lines,
They manipulate a soft surface.
Red lines,
They tear apart the strength.
Red lines,
It pierces because of pressure.
Red lines,
The arm is the object.
Red lines,
The red liquid is blood.
Red lines,
The mess is the scratches.
Red lines,
The soft surface is the skin.
Red lines,
The strength was replaced with weakness & dizziness.
Red lines,
The pressure was depression.
These red lines will never leave the body.
Because happiness will never be welcomed into the soul.

It was fun staying out late until i took advantage
It was disappearing until i made it a habit
It was fun being wasted until i got out of control
It was fun being promiscuous until my heart couldnt take no more
It was fun being a ***** until i walked with guilt
It was fun getting angry until i put up walls i built
It was fun staying out late until i almost died
It was fun making mistakes until i had to hide
It was fun playing with knives until i actually got hurt
It was fun playing with fire until i finally got burned
It was fun staying up at night until my nightmares forced me to stay awake
It was fun trying to fight my fears until i had the attacks of anxiety
It was fun being alone until i was left alone forever
It was fun staying in my room until i got to know myself better..

I feel so tired
Tired of trying to win
Im fighting a battle against myself
And i should just give up
Im slipping through the cracks that i made with my force
My anger broke down what was trying to protect me
I cant breathe; it feels like im suffocating
Im inside a box with no holes and i need to get air
I blocked every escape i had that was open
They closed up and locked me out
I can never get out, even though i created the locks
The keys are locked away somewhere inside my head
Im so tired of searching
Searching for all these answers
My questions just cannot be answered
I tried, and then i failed
I failed a test that i was forced to cheat on; & then i disqualified myself from life
I tried not to get hurt but my mind was the weapon
I bled from the inside out without a shield for protection against myself
In the darkness i was blind to fight
There was no light for my freedom to hide
It all came at me at once
I wasnt ready to fail from my own soul
Once it started, it just didnt stop
I had no time to breathe
I had no chance to speak
Fighting the fears
But i ran away
Fighting the lies
But i was naive
Fighting the darkness
But then i couldnt sleep
Fighting the pain
But then i bleed
Fighting the emotions
But then i cry
Fighting the emotions
But then i wanna hide
Fighting the emotions
But then i become angry
Fighting the emotions
But then its overwhelming
Fighting the emotions
But then i become anxious
Fighting the emotions
But then become hypertension
Fighting the emotions
But then i become lost
Fighting the emotions
But then i give up

I can hardly breathe;
My chest is so tight
In the darkness i lay wide awake
Through my pain, i hyperventilate
Im breathing, but its too fast
I still havent learned to catch my breath
My heart is pounding hard
And then i become so numb from dizziness
I have become so overtired that i cannot sleep
And im inside a nightmare that my eyes wont stay shut
When i tremble, i shake my whole body
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot hold myself down
My appetite has suddenly disappeared; my spirit is the one that starves
Too nervous to eat
Too nervous to drink
Too nervous to get up
Im so confused; what is happening?
Im inside another world feeling weird
I cant snap out of it
I cant control it
I guess i have to fight it
But how do i fight if i have no strength?
I have no strength to control whats inside me
As i keep hyperventilating im slowly falling
I fall with weakness to the ground
I cannot undo whats purposely done
I can only find a way to cope with my fears
There are knots inside my stomach;
The cramping makes it harder for me to breathe
Its fast;
My breathing is so fast
The dizziness is getting worse
Now i feely head is spinning with all the pain
Pulsing; i can feel my heartbeat inside my head as it starts hurting;
Its squeezing me tight
Im struggling to pass air because my chest is so tight
Something is blocking my lungs
These thoughts keep racing
I keep accepting
Im supposed to ignore what hurts me
It's just not giving me a chance to breathe properly

I learned to quench my thirst with a drink that also quenched my fears
I learned to quench my fears with a drink that also quenched my moods
I learned to quench my moods with a drink that also quenched my anxiety
I learned to quench my anxiety with a drink that also quenched my depression
I learned to quench my depression with a drink that also quenched my mind
my mind was quenched for trying to forget but now the alcohol is done

You watched every letter that was pieced together into words
You read every word that was placed into sentences
You remembered every sentence that was placed into a poem
But you never watched what you read about remembering to credit the poem of another; crediting & impersonating someone you wish to be
Instead you credit the arts of a corrupted writer,
& a false poet

A feeling of migraines meant its stress,
But one time it meant a sign of something wrong
A feeling of confusion meant being forgetful,
A feeling of exhaustion meant not enough sleep,
But one time it meant all the energy was drained
But one time it meant the brain isnt thinking properly
A feeling of being sick meant its just the flu,
But one time it meant a diagnostic
Visitation at the hospital meant the strength will pick back up,
But one time it meant the weakness took over
Visitation at the hospital meant hope for getting back to normal,
But one time it meant praying for good health
Visitation at the hospital meant everything would be ok,
But one time it meant the worse is yet to come

Coming home meant no more worries
But one time, it meant that there was nothing more that could have been done
Coming home meant happiness
But one time it meant sadness
Coming home meant get some rest
But one time it meant going to sleep forever
Coming home meant recovering
But it actually meant dying..

‎4 years ago today, we were all gathered together
4 years ago today, we were all losing our minds
4 years ago today, the doctor couldnt lie
4 years ago today, we knew we were going to cry
4 years ago today, we saw you suffering
4 years ago today, you had your last sight
4 years ago today, you had your last movement
4 years ago today, you had your last hearing
4 years ago today, you had your last breath
4 years ago today, all our tears were coming down hard
4 years ago today we knew god was whispering "come with me"
4 years ago today we had no choice but to say goodbye
4 years ago today, god took you to his kingdom
4 years ago today, we knew you were the new queen of angels    
4 years ago today, is the anniversary of your death
4 years ago today, is the day i will never forget
4 years ago today, is the day i cry the most
4 years ago today, is the day i visit your place
4 years ago today, next year is another hard day

Lets do some damage.
Lets cause a disaster.
Let us finally undo ourselves after locking the door behind us.

The look in your eyes,
Will bring me closer.
And my eyes are weakened;
Because the strength inside you,
Will give you the energy to pull me to you in silence.
My body;
Inside a glass container,
That you have broken through the air,
To get to me.
Your body;
Was so distant behind the curtains,
Until I ripped through to you.
Your grip on my hips,
Holds for just a second.
The opening of my pants,
Appears at your fingers' attention.
And then you whisper,
"Your innocence will soon be taken."
And then my response bounced back;
"It was taken so long ago.
Im not an amateaur.
I know how to perform."
Bring yourself close.
Bring yourself on top.
Just indent my lips with yours.
& dont make it passionate.
Dont go soft.
In the end your lips will bleed.
I want our hearts to beat a different rhythm.
I want our breathing to be ready for a race.
The kiss that will lead to a touch.
The touch that will lead to ***.
I wanna start kissing.
Ripped from my body,
My clothes suddenly became invisible.
Your hands acted like scissors;
In my mind,
Everything is so shattered.
There is no turning back.
And with so much force,
The bed catches me,
As you push me down.
Your hands suddenly wonder.
& your clothes are suddenly removed.
Let our minds take control.
Lets make our bodies turn colours.
My body leans on you.
Your body pulls me closer.
Now things will start to get heated up.
Are you insured?
Because we need to have coverage,
For the damage we're about to create.
The walls suddenly push our bodies with so much force.
Our eyes stab eachother so deep;
As they lock tight,
With the seriousness on our faces.
We are eachothers lessons;
We need to learn.
Our energy gets warmed up.
The power within you are secrets to show me.
The power within me are secrets to respond to you
I wanna start.
In silence,
My hands are hostage with yours.
Because Im held down so tightly.
Your lips pressing.
Your lips indenting on my neck.
Suddenly the bruises of proof showed itself.
Pierced with your mouth.
Pierced with your teeth.
One spot after another;
Like a leopard's skin,
You have marked me.
The first set of hickeys.
I want you to release me.
Unlock your hands from mine.
I want you to move out of my way,
Because this excitement is making me crazy.
"Dont talk,"
He says.
"Just relax,"
He continues.
Your hands appear tighter around me.
Finally,
My bellybutton is touched from inside my body.
Your suddenly deaf as Im screaming;
Deeper.
Harder.
Faster.
When you make sure my wrists had been marked;
The redness;
That was made while you squeezed me so tight with your strong hands.
You finally let go.
My hands suddenly wonders across your back.
My fingers move with so much pressure,
So much strength,
So much force,
As I make these marks.
Like a tiger's skin,
My nails scratch your whole body;
Up & down your back.
& you start bleeding,
As you try to control me.
I suddenly **** my up yours.
& with all the force I have,
Your pressured to be down.
Like a belly dancer without clothes,
Im performing a dance on top of you.
Its time for me to take charge.
The Kamasutra finally enters our minds.
The next step is for us to get created.
Positions force themselves into our naughty minds,
& into our bodies.
There is no such thing as the word "stop."
Through our skin,
We drown in our own sweat.
Through the mirrors,
Were covered in eachothers marks.
Through our bodies,
We've pleasured eachothers hunger.
The damage has been done.
What a beautiful disaster.
What beautiful pain.
What beautiful damage.

Hidden behind me as it whispers in my ears;
"I can help you"
And I was so naive, falling for every move i was forced to do
When i was promised music, it didnt mean that it had to be depressing
When i was promised the light, it didnt mean for the sun to blind me
When i was promised love, it didnt mean that i stay in love with my sorrow
When i was promised justice, it didnt mean that i had to throw things in rage
When i was promised to feel calm, it didnt mean that i had to be loved by alcohol
When i was promised a friend, it didnt mean i had to shake hands with the devil
When i was promised loneliness, it didnt mean that i lock my own door
When i was promised dreams, it didnt mean that nightmares were supposed to appear
When i was promised honesty, it didnt mean that my tears had to drown me
When i was promised strength, it didnt mean for the knife to rub its face on my arm
When i was promised to change, it didnt mean that my innocence disappears;
and so when i was promised happiness, it didnt mean i was happy doing wrong

Im feeling pounding
Im feeling tension
Im feeling strangulation of my brain
Im feeling dizziness
Im feeling sore
Im feeling chains wrapped around my soul
Im feeling pressured
Im feeling used
Im feeling nightmares all over my dreams
Im feeling angry
Im feeling depressed
Im feeling my moods are being created in my head
Im feeling that i cannot breathe
Im feeling that i cannot speak
Im feeling my body is breaking down
Im feeling cut
Im feeling bruised
Im feeling my skin is ripping through my clothes
Im feeling drained
Im feeling mistreated
Im feeling nothing else but the repetitive pain thats being played from my mind over and over again

Piano

Just take it slow.
Lightly press my keys.
My voice isnt powerful until this song is near the end.
Its a *** piece that you have to create
Undress me;
The cover is my clothing you rip off from my body.
Start playing me; Start releasing sounds from my mouth.
I want you to play me from top to bottom.
I want my silence to turn to sounds.
& then my moans will reach the top of my lungs when you continue to play.
Play me with your tongue,
Play me with your hands.
I want the sweat to rise above me;
Acting like notes in the air,
As you perform this piece of music.
My body is your instrument;
Play me soft.
Play me rough.
Play me hard.
Your hands control me.
Your body puts pressure on me.
Your ears control how loud you want me to go.
Control me in different ways.
Control me in different speeds.
Control me with different sounds.
My legs arent able to move.
My body isnt able to move.
Maestro in a naked suit;
Your my composer.
Your my conductor.
Your my teacher.
But we are each other’s entertainer.
But I have nowhere to go
Only in your hands,
I will stay.
Only in your hands,
I will obey.
Only in your hands,
You shall play.
Each key has a word.
Each word has a meaning.
Each meaning will be the performance I want you to play.
So read what I put in front of you
Read the Kamasutra
Read the notes all over me
I want you to play them on my body
So in between the keys of A to G,
I want you to F me.

I dont wanna feel anymore,
Beacause all these feelings,
Are making holes in my body;
& I cant stop bleeding.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are tearing me apart;
& the pieces to my body have gone missing.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are creating pollution in my head;
So I have forgotten how to think.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are melting together like water;
& I cant swim against my waves anymore.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are freezing together like ice;
& they just throw themselves at me;
So I keep bruising.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Allow me to express myself;
Allow me to go out of control;
Allow me to drink to forget;
Allow me to abuse myself;
Allow me to be dizzy;
In my own head.
The more feelings I have,
The worse I become.
Just take all this pain away.
Just take all this misery away.
Just take all this negativity away.
Just make me forget how to feel.
I wanna lose all anger.
I wanna lose all depression.
I wanna lose all anxiety.
I wanna lose all tension.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I just wanna be numb.
I wanna lose everything.
I wanna lose feeling.

I feel frozen inside
My body froze over when i knew i couldnt hide
I feel hot inside
My heart burned when there was anger inside that made the flames grow
I feel numb inside
My body lost feeling from a sudden shock to my veins
I feel dizzy inside
My head spins as i try to hold before i fall
I feel broken inside
My body falls when my bones shift to pieces
I feel anxious inside
My lungs collapse when there is weakness in my chest
I feel anger inside
My body shakes as my nerves get tangled
I feel hyperventilation inside
My stomach turns as the waves inside push me down
I feel confused inside
My eyes are crossing as i get lost and cannot see
I feel depressed inside
My moodswings wont stop changing and messing with my mind
I feel scared inside
All my fears block me from moving, and so i feel trapped inside;
I trapped myself by losing control

This is not a poem but my instagram is:
poetrybycaterina

A mind is so twisted, that it made you reminisce those times
that made you go crazy behind a door
Those times it made you pick up a razor and have you beg for more
Those times it forced the tears that made you drown
And the times it poisoned you with alcohol that made you fall to the ground
Making you reminisce, you loved the darkness
You got used to the anxiety, the moodwings, & the craving for being restless
Forced you to reminisce those times you locked yourself in your room
And when your friends called, you lied and said you had **** to do
Mind so very twisted, you hid all the damage it made you do
It even made you reminisce itself
It turned you into something you cant undo

The feeling of being unfilled;
A big piece has stolen from me
The feeling of being light- headed;
The air inside me has escaped
The feeling of being mute;
My vocal cords had been cut
The feeling of my heart torn;
It was ripped out of my chest
The feeling of my blood disappearing;
My scars made it all escape
The dreams in which i was happy;
It all ended when the bubble they were in,
Was popped
The air in which i was moving through,
Had been poisoned
And the ground that i was walking on,
Had suddenly cracked
The loved ones that stayed,
Had been taken and now appear for only a certain amount of time
Or i had to say goodbye forever
The beautiful skin was scarred
My mistakes now haunt me for life
The normal life was twisted
And now im ruined for good
Ripped from my head,
Im crazy
Ripped from my heart,
Im crying
Ripped from my hands,
Im weak
Ripped from my skin,
Im bleeding
Ripped from my eyes,
Im blind
Ripped from my nose,
Im unable to breathe
Ripped from my mouth,
Im unable to speak
Ripped from my ears,
Im deaf
Torn from my throat,
Im choking
Torn from my hair,
My head is pounding
Torn from my chest,
Im burning
Torn from my stomach,
Im vomiting
Stolen from my mind,
Im medicated
Stolen from my body,
Im in a brace
Stolen from my soul,a
I disappeared
Taken
Ripped
Torn
Stolen
What am i left with

I took away what held me together
And now i have fallen apart
All the dark secrets ive hidden inside me bled out through my cuts & scars
The loneliness of my spirit has left a crowded life
I left what could have saved me
I left what could have helped me
And now i breathe in the pollution thats inside my mind
I brainwashed myself into thinking i was ok
I couldnt see how i was because i was blinded with the pain
As i met who i was deep inside, i learned to accept the change within myself
I was addicted to a mind that stays inside;
Trapping me so i cant hide
I thought i was normal when i was full of guilt
I thought i was normal when i was full of anger
I thought i was normal when i was abusive
I thought i was normal when i was changing my thoughts
I thought i was normal when i was turning my back away from people
I thought i was normal when i was avoiding people
I thought i was normal of every single behaviour i had made
I thought i was normal when i was full of tears everyday
I thought i was normal to crave my fears
I thought i was normal to look for my nightmares
I thought i was normal to fall in love with the stranger i have created

Pieces of the mind
Pieces of the body
Have been torn apart
The strength that was present is now buried so deep within
All the weakness has risen
And now the spirit and soul is so heavy
This pain of every emotion has suddenly struck and shocked
Chipping away the tragedies,
The puzzle slowly breaks
Stretching away the mind,
Its getting pulled so fast
Breaking of the heart
Its in pieces on the floor
Eyes are blind
Ears are plugged
Mouth is mute
And i cannot breathe
Damaged, hurt, broken
Its the end
There is no explanation for pain
There is no explanation for negativity
There is no explanation for life
Ive been moved
Ive been touched
Ive been filled with different emotions
Ive been pushed
Ive been knocked over
I flew through the air
I met the floor
I broke to pieces

Things can make you impatient to the point where you throw them
The time can make you stressed to the point where you become late
People can make you angry to the point where you hurt them
But nothing & noone makes you insane from just one thing;  just one person
Your mind can break you to the point where you go insane
So those things, and people that you deal with, are just temporary fixes
The one that stays forever,
Is the one behind your skin
Behind the skin is a heart, bones, the mind, & soul,
Its the face when you look in the mirror
Its the enemy that will never go

With your face on my neck, I felt those teeth digging inside like a vampire
Couldn’t breathe as you ******,
and still couldn’t  breathe when you took your mouth off
Those marks left me bruised throughout my body
I suddenly felt a tickle throughout my skin
Your fingers were wandering on a naked canvas that only you can paint on
You coloured my neck, that now bleeds down below my waist
That canvas had a tunnel;
you found your way inside to paint in a dark secret place
I felt every stroke, grasping my insides
while your tongue tried to catch the drips
You finally undressed; revealing a bigger paintbrush
Then I felt every inch before you even started put it to use
Your gentle touch brought me down; placing me how you wanted me to look on the bed
I was a model ready to get ruined
A beautiful disaster was waiting to happen

I felt like you broke me
Felt like you ruined me
That brush punctured me
Those pieces were released from me
Then my breathing finally slowed down on me
That blank canvas had your signature design,
with my clear, liquid paint
that splattered everywhere

I acted as if everything was ok
I wanted to show everything was fine
I wanted to have everything hidden
I wanted to keep everything inside
I wanted it all to stop
I wanted to end the pain
I wanted to just bleed so i could start all over again
I showed no pain when i wanted to breathe
When i was alone, the anxiety strangled me
I showed no weakness when i wanted to fight
When i was alone, my strength ate me up inside
I showed i was happy when i wanted to cry
When i was alone, i drowned from my eyes
I showed i was calm when i wanted to be angry
When i was alone, everything took advantage of me
When i was strangled, i couldnt breathe
When the strength ate me up inside, i found my weakness and it brought me to my knees
On my knees i begged; i was drowning and i couldnt see
My eyes were covered it salty water and my lungs wouldnt set me free
I wanted to be set free, but i was being taken advantage of, i was lost
I became angry and my body suddenly collapsed
Everything was not ok
Everything was not fine
I continued to keep my arms hidden
I continued to be quiet inside
It hasnt stopped
The pain began again
I still bleed from the inside out
Im scarred and i want it all to end

I came into my own world with sharp edges of a delicate body
A world that i created in the darkness
I was blind to see the truth behind all the lies; and so i became bitter
A bitter mind that my body couldnt turn sweet
A cold heart that my skin couldnt turn into heat
My nails broke whenever i scratched notes to myself on my skin
The blood from my veins didnt want to stay in
I cried with pointy tears,
The shattered glass that came from my eyes, harmed me till i went blind
I couldnt see no more happiness
I couldnt see no more light
I only saw deep within my body that was dark and broken inside
I couldnt breathe because my nose broke
And my lungs are collapse so i am only able to choke
My eardrums popped as i always heard myself scream
I scared my heart so then it forced itself to squeeze
I saw right through myself and then i knew what i really was
I have made the choice to unleash my own demons from my dark dreams
I was attacked from my own hands
And my body was thrown down to the floor by my own strength
When i hit the floor i heard a crack that came from my knees
Then my whole body broke as
I started to bleed

& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im beautiful.
& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im skinny.
& I lock myself in my room,
Telling myself I'll be released.
& I stay in my room,
Telling myself I'll be able to get out again.
& I lie on my bed,
Telling myself that these negative thoughts will go away.
& I cry in my room,
Telling myself everything will be ok.
& I keep making myself bleed,
Telling myself the knife is the only thing;
To run away from my problems.
& I keep selling my body away,
Telling myself *** is the only thing;
To ease all the pain.
& I keep thinking,
Telling myself I'll find the right answer.
& I keep looking,
Telling myself I'll find what Im looking for.
& I keep dreaming,
Telling myself I'm going to these dreams.
& I keep being afraid,
Telling myself I'll be brave.
& I keep hyperventilating,
Telling myself my anxiety will leave me.
& I keep waking up,
Telling myself my insomnia will set me free.
& I keep believing myself,
for I have been brainwashed.
In the end I know I lie to myself;

I tried to rinse my face but it seems im not gonna change
I tried to rinse my weakness but strength doesnt wanna meet me
I tried to rinse my fears but they came back to scare me
I tried to rinse my problems but they came back to trouble me
I tried to rinse my anxiety but it came back to blow away my body
I tried to rinse my sorrow but the memories still remain
I tried to rinse my nightmares but they came back to haunt me
I tried to rinse my thoughts but the negativity keeps returning
I tried to rinse my steps but the past wont ever change
I tried to rinse my scars but i still see what i did
I tried to rinse the blood but my wounds wont ever close
I tried to rinse the bruises but the pain wants to stay
I tried to rinse my anger but i keep getting angry
I tried to rinse my bitterness but my heart keeps getting cold
I tried to rinse my emptiness but i keep getting unfilled and broken
I tried to rinse my sadness but the tears is what im using,
To try and wash everything away

These problems,
This drama,
Has made me crazy.
This life,
This world,
Has done everything but save me.
I use to see straight,
I use to see the light,
Now I see crooked,
And now I only see the night.
I've changed,
I've weakened,
I've brought myself to depression,
I've turned my back,
I've ended all happiness,
I've given the mirror no more attention.
The puddles on the floor,
Is not rain from the sky.
It is my water that falls;
Its the tears from my eyes.
I've been told to be strong,
When I know I can only be weak.
I've been told things would change for the better,
But Im seeing everything differently.
I keep telling myself things will be alright,
I keep telling myself things will turn out fine.
I keep telling myself I dont need to hide;
But Im only telling myself a bunch of lies.
I struggle.
I panic.
I worry.
I cry.
I tremble.
I fear.
I just want to die.
Im gasping for air,
My heart beats faster.
My fingers go numb,
My heads a disaster.
No matter how hard I push myself,
No matter what I do.
No matter how hard I try for myself,
I know I will never make it through.
Im scared to believe,
Im scared to breathe.
Im scared to live,
So I just want to leave.
The past is my present nightmares,
Which the future, it will haunt me.
The future will bring up my past,
But for now,
My present is severely destroying me.

I walked around barefoot all my life
Because each pair of shoes I walked in,
rewrites a new story, wandering the dark paths I made
Those rocks that were beneath my feet
rolled me off the road and I fell
I walked on water and drowned
I walked on fire, burning in hell
I put two big pieces of glass on my feet,
hoping everything will be more delicate
I walked slow so I wouldn’t
miss the door to leave this maze
I walked quiet so my demons wouldn’t
hear me escape
I tiptoed quick to pass my nightmares
Then I tried to run away from my fears
Trying to leave the maze wore out the caps
Trying to escape my demons, chipped the front
Hiding from my nightmares, broke the heels
Escaping my fears, shattered every piece my feet touched
My stability weakened
I thought I finally walked with strength,
but it was hard
I thought glass protected from harm
But I got hurt
I thought glass stopped me from getting wet
Instead I drowned in my tears
It shattered, so I shattered
Every piece of glass cut me
My time was running out like Cinderella;
only she had another shot at changing her life
I was desperate;
trying to glue those pieces back together with my blood,
hoping brand new shoes could remake my strength;
Erase all those wounds
And revoke all those scars
Instead I fell, unaware I was also made of glass
I fell apart; laying there chipping away before trying to be friendly with those demons
Broken before turning nightmares into dreams
and shattered before finding strength to fight my fears

It isnt true when people say that "the past is gone"
It isnt true that when people say "whatever happened in the past will stay in the past"
It isnt true when people say "its in the past, let it be"
It isnt true when people say "not to worry, its in the past now"
And its hard to say "forget the past"
Because Im still crying
Im still worrying
Im still angry
Im still stressing
Im still anxious
Im still unable to breathe
Im still fighting
Im still deciding
Im still thinking
Im still confused
Im still nevous
Im still fearful
Im still weak
Im still haunted
Dont tell me the past wont ever come back
Dont tell me the past will never speak
Dont tell me the past will never come up
Dont tell me the past will never rewind itself
Dont tell me the past has ended
Dont tell me the past has died
Dont tell me the past will never be spoken about again
Dont tell me the past wont remind me of anything
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the present
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the future
Im crying because of the trauma
Im angry because of the actions
Im stressing because of the drama
Im anxious because Im overwhelmed
Im still fighting because I never won
Im still deciding because I dont know what to do
Im still thinking because I dont know where to go
Im still confused because I never ended up finding my way
Im still nervous because my nerves keep shaking
Im still fearful because my fears wont leave me
Im still weak because my mental strength took off on me
Im still haunted because these problems still scare me
So dont tell me the past will never come back
Because I still live it
& so the past reflects my present
& so the past reflects my future
& until I stop these negative emotions,
Then I will know the past has gone to rest

I tasted a sweet saliva on my lips; on my tongue
I felt a gentle, but rough touch against my figure
I felt a warm sensation on my skin; inside my body
My hair was trapped in between your hands; pulling as my blood rushes to my head
And then I felt drowsy, as my tension released itself
You got my eyes rolling at the back of my head when im underneath you
My hands went numb from the lack of blood flow; from being squeezed so tight
Uncovered from our clothes, but we were covered in sweat
You gripped every inch of my body, while I engraved my nails in yours
My body shaked
My body got weak
I couldnt stand, but I was standing against the wall
The cold wall warmed up my skin; warmed up my bones
Your body pushed me
Your lips pinned me
Your hands arrested me
And then my heart raced; as it slowed down from all the body change from being relaxed

I keep fighting off these tornadoes that makes my heart pound hard
The tornadoes that comes from anxiety; makes my stomach turn
The hyperventilation blows me down
The dizziness that happens when I can hardly breathe
All i see is a spinning room when I want it stop
I use anything as leverage to help me get
up, and also walk
I sweat without moving
It just feels like I’m exhausted without working hard
and my mind is working ******* me..

Craving for relaxation,
the milligrams called me
Immediately my mind was silenced; in a deep sleep
I sedated myself so I can also sleep
Relieved this anxiety that had me in chains
and took away my mind that is now in pain
Its so tiny, but those benefits are huge
I needed a release from all this tension
The sudden drowsiness wrings out the normality within me
I love the feeling of being sluggish
The sudden calmness got my breathing finally under control
Those bitter thoughts turned sweet
This cold heart turned warm
These muscle spasms loosened up
This tranquilizer targeted all my fears, anxiety, & worries
Now the bed catches me as I embrace this new feeling
Unfortunately it’s temporary
so my mind is jailed,
until its set free

Sometimes I just want to escape,
but every door is locked
Sometimes I just want to hide,
but the eyes come from the walls
Sometimes I get sick of crying,
but I’m already drowning in my tears
Sometimes I want to dream,
but the nightmares become my fears
Sometimes I just want to give up,
but I am always trying to be saved
Sometimes I just want to start over,
but now it’s too late to ESCAPE

What happens when your strong
And you keep yourself up
But what happens when you lose control and you appear to be cut
There was a monster who scared me
I wanted to run but it caught me
There was a darkness that closed me
I wanted to hide but it found me
There was a nightmare that terrified me
I wanted to wake up but my eyes wouldnt listen to me
There was a game that liked me
I didnt want to play but it forced me
There was anxiety that entered my body
I wanted to breathe but it choked me
There was depression that tricked me
I wanted to be happy but the sadness surrounded me
There was anger that covered me
I wanted to be calm but it tackled me
The monster was a tool that was used to fight me;
My innocence,
Taken
My mind turned against me
There was a tool that was used as a weapon
That took all my strengths;
And my happiness was forgotten
There was a weapon and i call it my mind
I tried to cut the illness
But instead i cut myself deep inside

When i never trusted, until i met you
When i never listened, until i heard you
When my eyes were closed, until you opened them up
When i couldnt speak, until you forced out my voice
When i couldnt stop crying, until you wiped my tears
When i was full of anger, until you made me smile
When i was outta control, until you calmed me
When i would run, until you stopped me
When i was scared, until you protected me
When i wanted to give up, until you made me fight
When i was weak, until you made me strong

When i was lost, until you found me
When i couldnt love, until you loved me
When i was half, until you made me whole

I thought i was cured
In the end my strength ran out
I ended up picking up the pieces from when i broke myself
All over again, i fall
I tried to run, and i ruined it all
Im at square one again
I want to quit, but i will give up on myself
I thought the struggle was over
But i saw a temporary bandage lasting most of my lifetime until it came off of my wounds
I started bleeding again
I cried, and i started suffocating again
Im breathing heavy; im back to being the enemy
My darkness is alive and once again, its after me
I thought i saved myself, but i was only inside a room that was locked for protection
The lock was broken, and the door had opened
My mind came inside once again
Inside the room; waking me from my dream once again
I thought my nightmares were over;
It was only the light that covered the darkness
I was walking with the light, and now it shut itself off
Im left trapped in the darkness once again; so i cannot see
I cant see the mirror
I cant see me
I thought i shattered the mirror; i broke my enemy
But it was glued back together with blood
Blood that came from inside me
Now i see again; but i dont want to look into my own eyes
Im broken once again
I see the past and now i see myself in disguise
I thought i stripped my enemy off
I thought it died,
But i guess i was wrong
It was in a deep sleep; it had woken up from my darkest dream
Im fighting once again; i want to run again
I want my strength again
It has started again

I wanna turn back time to the part where happiness stayed
Then i could think clearly
And i wouldnt be insane
The silence got ruined from my screams in which i was scared
I wanted to hide
But i just couldnt hide
My darkness inside me hadnt disappeared
I feel like my neck got smaller with an invisible rope that squeezed me
So tightly;
I couldnt breathe
I couldnt speak
And i couldnt eat
My eyes turned black;
Thats when i couldnt see
Nothing was clear
And my tears couldnt wash it away
Nothing was near
The help i needed, couldnt stay
I curse the mirror that hangs
Its a stranger inside a hidden wall
I curse the darkness that came
For the times it made me fall
I tried to run
I tried to escape
But i was found
And i was framed
Never have i ever been so terrified that i had to cry
Never have i ever been so scared that i wanted to die
And this time im drowning
Not in water; but in my tears
My worries wont ever disappear
The more deeper i go
The more i run
The other side of the tunnel will approach me
And its not the sun
Its too late to change
To change what i feel
I cant go back and change it all
This fear that chases me is real

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

I appear in tears.
Tears that wash my pieces away.
All I can see,
& all I can feel;
Is my body splitting.
The pieces on the floor.
I have been cut so many times,
& finally,
I am now chopped up.
So instead of a little blood;
I appear to have a river of blood.
That flows constantly on the floor.
& comes from my bleeding heart.
My head has been ******* with.
My heart has been played with.
& my body has been abused.
The killer is my own self.
Because I was so strong.
My weaknesses got to me.
& so I have lost all strength.
I just feel like a porcelain doll;
Controlled while held;
& suddenly shattered to pieces.
The owner is once again;
My own self.
Clumsy with my body;
I let myself slip & fall.
My mind has controlled my strength,
& brought it down to weakness.
Each part of my body suddenly weakened & gave up.
I cannot see anymore,
Because my eyes have lost vision.
I cannot breathe anymore,
Because my nose blocks the air.
I cannot speak anymore,
Because my mouth closed on me.
I cannot hear anymore,
Because my eardrums stopped working.
I cannot feel anymore,
Because I have gone numb.
I cannot walk anymore,
Because my legs have given up on me.
My body has just stopped working.
& Ive stopped caring for myself.
I let myself go;
& Im now in pieces;
Because I let everything break me.
& Im to the point where I wanna completely disappear..

Its getting in my way
Its ruining me
It screws with me inside
The poison is slowly killing me
I forgot the stranger is my mind
Never felt so trapped
I just wanna keep screaming
But as i scream im laughing at myself
Because only i can save me
I cannot give in
My mind wont let me
Only im tamed from a drug that fights deep inside me
My heart is attacked
Im struggling to breathe
Its all starting again
Its all coming back again
I just wanna be free
Im trying to hide
But where ?
Im trying to run
But where?
The path i chose was dark
Im still trying to find the end
Its so hard to follow
I cannot escape my mind
Im still fighting
Im still struggling
When will this end?
My body is getting too used to being controlled
Now i dont know what else to try
Off and on my switch never fails
My heart is beating so fast
As my lungs pump so hard
The air is cold
Im struggling to breathe
My thoughts are still dark
My thoughts make me scream
Its so dark,
Even in the day
Its so dark,
Im begging the light to stay
And im so tempted to touch the weapon
The one that made me bleed
Im so tempted to feel the air again
The air that made me dizzy
The violence has started again
My strength is all from anger
My tears are starting to drown me again
I can no longer control my nightmares
Once again im scared of my fears
My fears are of my mind
Once again the mirror shows that im still not able to fight

It looks so calm, but i was told not to be fooled
I didnt believe, instead i ignored all the signs
I dipped my feet in the cold wet liquid; eventually it became warm with the sand between my toes
I walked into a pathway of seashells
An invisible basket i had carried in my hands where the shells rested in my arms
The weeds tickled me so i became comfortable going deeper into the water
I felt like i was turning into a mermaid because breathing became easier
As my body went deeper
I felt like a little girl with no worries
Until the sun went down; and i became weak
I couldnt control my breathing,
Then i felt like i was drowning
I was being pulled down from the seaweeds and then the waves had their support
The seashells cut me and i bled with no bandages
Suddenly i couldnt swim
Suddenly i couldnt breathe
I felt tickeled, but not from gentle hands
I was circled from a creature with a sharp object attached to its body
I suddenly fainted as i was stung from the stingray that crept up on me
I felt hypnotized and i couldnt speak
I was brought deeper in the water then i felt squeezed
I was pulled,
I was shoved,
I was held tight from an octopus who was rough
I also felt pinched; i was stuck to its arms and then suddenly i was dragged under water
The suction cups from its body pulled my skin
I wanted to fight but my body just gave in
I was under so much weakness,
Then suddenly i felt more pain
The razor sharped teeth from an eel scraped its mouth all over my frame
As it scraped me, a big creature watches me
Its eyes were dark and its body covered the ocean
I felt caged with no key
I wanted to be free
But then i became close to more teeth
Suddenly my eyes close
My bones were broken
My blood, overflowed
My body ruined
My lungs were crushed
My skin was ripped
And my heart had stopped
It was big
While i was small
I was too weak
It was too strong
I stung myself with negativity
I squeezed my heart to my mind
I pinched myself towards a dark path
I suctioned all the life out of my spine
I calmed myself with the weapon that i used to fight
I fought myself with a razor and then a knife
Finally i swallowed it whole
I swallowed what had to stay
And i swallowed what shouldnt have had to go
I broke my whole body
I broke my own bones
I manipulated my mind
I was the one who swallowed myself whole
My blood poured out
Hoping i was found so someone can lift me out
I felt like a broken mermaid unable to kick
Unable to move
Unable to swim
I felt like i was just born not knowing what to do;
Not knowing whats around
And that being alone was the worst thing to do.

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

Once upon a time I was I red rose.
The sparkling jewels in my eyes lit up while the happiness destroyed me.
My rosy cheeks would warm up my whole body.
I didnt believe in frowns.
I didnt believe in anger.
I didnt believe in sorrow.
I forgave and forgot.
& the clear liquid was the water from the sunshower;
That poured out of my peddles so slowly and fluently.
My stem kept me strong.
I never fell once.
The grass was my bed,
And the sun form the beautiful blue sky was my alarm clock.
The birds were my music,
And the wind was my fan.
...& then it all fell apart.
& then it all destroyed me.
Destroyed with all the drama;
My redness turned black.
Destroyed with all the drama,
The sparkles in my eyes went down.
My rosy cheeks turned me so pale.
I suddenly frown.
I suddenly appear angry.
I suddenly appear depressed.
The liquid that was clear was only my tears.
& so the liquid that poured out of my body was red;
So it became my blood;
Flowing with rage out of my peddles.
My stem is no longer strong.
It grew sharp thorns;
Thorns with what I use to damage myself.
Thorns that pricked me to become weak.
& made me fall.
I now lay on the hard cement.
Cold & dark.
My alarm clock is now the thunder.
My music is the storm,
Depressing & dark.
The sky is not blue anymore,
But grey.
Now my fan is a tornado;
Which completely blows me to the ground.
My peddles start to fall,
My stem gets weaker,
My only strength is the thorns;
Which pierces me deep.
And as I pierce myself,
Im bleeding through myself;
Making puddles on the ground.
& each thorn counts for every problem;
So the thorns keep growing.
I have changed my colour.
I have dropped to the ground.
I have lost my strength.
I have changed myself completely.
Depression is the only mood that I feel everyday.
& happiness is the only mood that will never return to me.
The red rose I was before;
Died down to a black rose I am now.

When my dreams turned into nightmares
When my nightmares finally came true;
I indulged a sudden shock to my body
I indulged what i should have prevented
I wanted to feel what everyone feared
I wanted to do what people dont do
I tried to force myself to be strong, but that strength was my mind over my heart
And my soul over my body
I learned to appear in front of a mirror; blinded from the person i saw
My fears werent leaving
My anxiety kept rising
My anger escalated
My depression had me dying
One day i turned & i snapped
I explored & i had to act
I wanted to change what changed me
I wanted to hurt what was slowly killing me
I ignored my hearts attention when i heard the knife calling
I welcomed my minds whispers when the razors had me eyeballing
I couldnt control
I couldnt turn back
My mind was in charge
I couldnt fight back
As i start to cry
It was time to end my innocence inside
The new thing i needed, was already planned
It was my last resort
It was my escape
It was the love of my mind
But the master to my heart
And i was behind invisible bars
Chained; locked inside my own body
I couldnt go on feeling unsatisfied
I couldnt go on feeling lonely
& so i made friends with a knife, a razor, and scissors
They taught me how to hurt
Taught me how to bleed
Taught me how to aim
And taught me it wouldnt be easy
It wasnt easy; they were right.
But what they meant;
It wouldnt be easy to turn back and fight.
It was an addiction
I loved the pain
The pain was gone
But there was darkness that still remained
Everyday i would continue
Self mutilation was the only answer
The red lines on my body never faded
I cut deep
I cut deep in the past;
& so i took the knife deep with me
I cut deep in my nightmares;
& so i took the razor deep with me
I cut deep at my problems;
& so i cut it all with the scissors
There was no more pain, but i was bleeding
I needed the pain, but i was blinded
I loved the pain, but i was confused
I always had the pain, because now im bruised.
Inside was who i truly saw
Inside was who i truly felt
I have been played with,
****** with,
Used
And im the only one to blame for hurting myself

I kept myself in the darkness when i was scared
I wanted it to be darker so i couldnt see
If i opened my eyes in the light i saw every single wrong,
And every single mistake

I cant turn the time backwards but i can turn my back
I cant close the doors but i can close my eyes
I cant run away but i can chase my fears
I cant fight but i can harm
I cant erase but i can disappear

I cant forget but i try to ignore
I cant dream but i try to deal with the nightmares
I cant stop the pain but i try to heal
I cant stop hyperventilating but i try to breathe
I cant stop the anger but i try to lower my heart rate
I cant stop crying but i try to wipe away my tears

I tried to then everything around but in the end i actually turned it upside down
Even though i found different ways of coping, it never mattered anymore.
It was all darkness with a little nightlight on; and i was barely seeing