I'd like to say one day
That I'll be definitely, unquestionably,
without a doubt, absolutely, 100%
okay.
But I don't know if I can say that.
I'm happy
but I'm not.
I can laugh and smile
but it's not the same.
I can love
but I still hate.
I don't know if I'll be the okay
you want me to be one day.

You started looking at my wrist
Asking me if I was cutting
You started to notice I wasn't wearing white
I always wore white around your father
He had a tendency of disliking dark colors
Thought it was emo and devilish
But I change that when he saw the cross you gave me
Around my neck
You'd try and pull my shirt off
When we were making out in your room
I leaped up and headed out the door
You knew right away I was hiding something
Pulled my shirt up and saw
The patterned scars on my chest
The crisscrossing of blade touched lines
Darkened and still bleeding
Burning from the incision
Irritated when you rubbed against it
This time it wasn't my wrist bleeding
It was something that still had the effect I craved
And the disgust you so intolerably loathed

Dead



You cold hearted drug addicted *****
You left the only child that really needed you
I was 13 months old
You tried to weasel your way back in
But your lies gave you away
The scent of garbage
Decaying truth smells worse than death
Mother don't ever expect me to forgive you
Forgiveness is for those who offer mercy
I'm a cut throat psychopathic enraged demon
Only wanting to offer you the worst nightmares
And this mother is what I think of you
Hope you enjoy the thoughts of your "son"

Fat
Ugly
*******
Psychopathic
Demonic
Tormented
Angry
Hateful
Di­ck
*******
*****
*****
Insane
Emo
*****
****-for-brains
The list goes on
But I want to get to the point
The worse thing I've ever been called
Is your son
I don't look nothing like you
I have none of your traits
Your blood no longer runs through my veins
Your blood ran out
With the ***** I took
You belong in sewers
In rotting graves
On the vacated porches
Of hidden houses
Deep in the forests of emptiness
Just for the soul purpose of being lost
The same feeling I felt when I was able to comprehend
Exactly how pained I have became
Due to your abandonment

I stare blankly at the open door.
Music drifts from my headphones
and through my mind.
But I pay no attention.
My mind is like a lake before a storm.
Absolutely still and gray.
I don't feel anything.
I keep walking through my life,
waiting for something to happen.
I'm in love and loved
but my mind is ignoring her.
In the recesses of my mind.
There is only pain and a midnight sky
without its stars.
I want to step outside and smile.
But that seems impossible when
there is nothing inside of me that wants to move
from my position on the floor.
I wish I could lay here forever but
there are people who say they need me.
If they need me so much, why does everything
I do for them seem so wrong?
They're always dissatisfied with me.
I don't understand it.
Just let me go if I'm so bad.
So weak. So lame and lazy and stupid.
But you won't,
and instead you keep a puppet,
whose empty shell guards the girl from the outside.
I don't want to be here,
especially here with you.

A deep blackness covered her sight.
She knew not how long it had been
since she saw the light,
But she knew somewhere in her soul
The light would come and paint the
world in colors,
A warmth of colors of beginnings,
reds, oranges, yellows.
This beginning was called ritausma.
The beginning of the day.

There seem to be
three gods these days,
the Good god,
the Bad god,
and the cool god,
and I have been
on the side
of the Good god,
which is the side
of religion,
and that is
the side
that cleans you up,
and that side
is all wrong,
so I have been
on the side
of the Bad god,
and that is
the side
that makes you a mess,
with drugs and *****
and bad ***,
so that is a side
which is all wrong,
but now,
for today
and I hope
for a long time,
I am on the side
of the cool god,
who is the guy
who teaches the people
to be kind
and not hurt anybody,
even though
his followers aren't religious
about it.

i want to live in a city
          where street lights are a constant
     sound echos when people sleep
                   but for all the unfortunate souls
the insomniacs
            they're up and moving
     brains ticking over
                                           but it's not so bad
         there's the echo of the city
                 and the constant light
                                           maybe there are others
                    i'm not alone in
     insomniac city

                                            i am in the country
                       the crickets sleep
                                  clouds cover the moon
                                             it's too dark and quiet
                           my mind ticks over more
              i wish
              i lived in
              insomniac city

If I never smoked ****
If I never took a sip of sweet whiskey
If I never broke the law
If I never broke as many hearts
Due to the fear of being broken further
If I never loved so freely
Maybe I would be almost perfect

If I wasn't the man I am
If I was the man I dreamed of being
If I was her beloved blessing
If I wasn't such a ******* monster
If I wasn't so helpless
Maybe I would be almost perfect

I guess I'm always meant to be imperfect
Always wanting to be almost perfect
Running from the whatever I am