When I say my eyes are sensitive, I don’t mean that I can’t stare into the sun too long or that I squint when I look at my phone in the middle of the night. I mean when I look at you, I see the crooked lines in your beautiful face. I see the curve in your nose, the creases you achieved from laughing too hard. I see how your hair drops a fraction and how you glide the pieces behind your ear. I see how your teeth lightly press into your bottom lip when your face is frozen. I see how certain sounds make your head tilt and how it takes you exactly 4 long chews to finish what’s in your mouth. I see your crooked fingers and how they hold on tightly to your phone and keys when you walk to the car and how your eyelashes are always longer on Tuesdays.
When I say my ears are sensitive I don’t mean that I can’t be around fireworks or that when my dads t.v is too loud I get a headache. I mean the sigh you make after each sentence scares the living hell out of me, and how you always clear your throat twice when you’re about to talk about something important. And how I hear your accent when you say nothing and your laugh when the night is quiet. I hear your teeth clench together as you speak words of anger and your tongue push against the inside of your cheek when you’re being playful. I hear you tell me you’re walking away and that you’ll be coming right back and even when I think you’re silenced you come off mute.
When I say I lost you, I don’t mean I lost you once and that I have dealt with it. I lose you every time I hear a song, or watch a movie. I lose you when I close my eyes and wake up without you. I lose you when I see a couple and when I drop my shopping bags onto the tiles after a long day. I lose you and I lose you and I lose you and even though you’re lost I keep hoping you’ll turn up.
But people aren’t keys or your favorite sweater. They don’t just turn up after days and weeks of looking. They find a path and follow it through and I keep hoping if I follow the path we’ll meet each other and it’ll be like it was. But I know you have sensitive eyes and wear glasses and that your hearing is fine.

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love