When is it enough?
How do we get over those people that we once loved?
If I were to describe what I wanted in one word what would it be?
Do I make a positive impact? Or at least one more positive than negative?
Why do I miss him so badly?
Is there a god? Or at the very least somebody who will just ******* listen?

I have all of these holes and I know now that sometimes they cannot be filled and that I just have to live with them but sometimes they feel so big, like they're eating away at my insides and if I don't put a plug to it then I'll just disappear.

It's 4 am and part of me wants to just sleep and part of me is scared that you will be in my dreams and then I'll wake up and you won't be here and I will cry and I am so **** tired of that.

It's too early to stay up and watch the sunrise, but god. I do love those colors.

My cat wants to sleep with me.
At least somebody does.
#foreveralone #catlady

I heard a Sheryl Crow song that goes "the first cut is the deepest" but I know that for me that's never true.
For me, it's the second cut.
When I realize that, ****, I didn't do enough damage and goddanmit if I'll ever be good enough so let's make it ******* rain.
Lets build a hole into my skin, because god knows there aren't enough on my heart.

I don't usually cut. I self-harm in other ways.
I used to cut to abuse myself, but now it's just loneliness that I feel.
I'm so scared of people leaving that I push them away before they get the chance to go.

What if I never meet you because I push you away?
What if there's nothing after this?
And what if my dreams are as good as it gets?

Sitting at my computer, writing ****** poetry at 4 in the morning. I just watched 16 episodes of the first season of One Tree Hill.
This is me.
I am romance on shows and poetry and coffee and too hot but I still use my  blanket and I have a stuffed animal that I snuggle with.
I am me.
And I am ****** up and messed up and wanting for love and lustful tonight and I just want to be hugged and kissed and given a doughnut.

I'm going to bed.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't ever let anyone say that nobody loves you. Because I do.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite, darling.

Yesterday I found god.
I found her in the garden at the park.
She was evident in the ducks that I watched.
Her name was written all over the puddles that I jumped in.
I heard her as the rain came pouring down.

I found god.
He was in laughter.
In the police that protected downtown.
The couple that kissed in front of a preacher.
I tasted him in my coffee.

Some people don't believe and I get that. I don't always believe. But sometimes, you have days where god is as evident as the skin on your body.

Sometimes I write on my skin. Not cut.

Words hurt more

Lack of balance.

The scales are tipped,
but to who's favor,
I cannot tell.

The energy and love I put out
has been matched by you
for the better part of six years.
Six years is a long time for any sort of relationship,
but more so for the likes of ours.

After six years the energy and love I put out
are not being matched by you.
It started off gradually
but i was too ****** up to notice.
Too many drugs and drinks
will do that.
But after a word from you,
and help from a friend,
and a few failed attempts
I kicked the monkey off my back.
I banished the demon OPIATES,
can you say the same of your demon.

And then I noticed.
Like a teacher looking up from his computer,
I noticed you were truant.
And i asked you about it,
I confronted you about it
and you said,
yes, I have grown distant, but I'm going to fix that.

And oh god, I've tried and i've tried and i've tried to fix it
but you are unwillingly to put forth any effort
and so I give up.

I want to give up,
I want to be happy about new friends
and sobriety
and that girl you told me was too good for me that I've been talking to.
I want to be happy about these things
but I can't
because the last thing I think about before I fall asleep is you
and the first thing I think about when I wake up is you
and ******* it, I am ******* terrified of losing you
and you don't care.