your favourite song is playing.

and
for a moment,
nolstagia felt like you-
transient and
somewhat like a foggy
window on a rainy day.

it was cold
and you
were the only warmth
nearby.

when
the first droplet falls to the sill,
the next follows;
what a pity,
they collide
never again.

the most played song
in your playlist,
i reckon,
has long been replaced.

and.
i suppose.
today.
i'm not putting this song
on repeat again.

My buddy Todd set us up.
Her name, I knew her name:
Isabel Fienne.
I met her outside of Byron's,
drinking a 40 out of a brown bag.
She wore black, black spaghetti strap,
black Memphis skirt, black stockings.
I told her I liked the color of her eyes.
She said her dad just died.
And asked me, "What was your name again?"
I asked her, "How about a little of that drink?"
We spent the night throwing rocks at passing cars,
dodging police, and talking about how
we liked the anonymity of night.

We woke up in an alley.

I whispered the word stockings.
She bit my lip.
We get married the first of June.

I knew
From the moment we met
That you were going to ruin my life
And I was going to let you

I knew
When you picked me up
Your arms wrapped around my body
With the intention of holding
That you were going to drop me
More than once
And I was going to let it happen

See the thing is
You could break both of my legs
Shatter my bones
Into a million pieces
And I would still find a way
To come crawling back to you

Knees bloodied,
Hands torn from the pulling
I’ve never been one
For giving up easily

You could effortlessly
Take my heart and crack it open
Drink its contents
Throw the rest away
And I would still somehow attempt
To give you the remains

Call me selfless
But I am used to giving parts of myself
And receiving nothing in return

You could tie my tongue
My lips, my teeth
Split them into surrender
Into a foreign language
And I would still manage
To cough up your name

I have never learned release
Or let go
I only know stay
You could leave
One hundred times
And I would still wait for your return
With patience

Because kissing without permanence
Is like loving without memory
There is no purpose
If there is nothing to come back to
No reason in attempt
If it is bound to be forsaken

You had no intention
Of staying
This was something I knew
From the moment we met

That you were going to leave
And I was going to let you.

As I walk through the battlefeild of hate
Bleeding every step of the way
I remember the reason why I fight
The reason why I must return home

As the blood gushes out of my open wounds
My strength never dwindle beyond my reach
I crawl in pain making my way
Just to live another day

As I watch my comrades fall to the ground
My fears grew stronger
And my pride lit the night,
I'm coming home...that I do swear

I made a promise
One that I plan to keep
I will not die here
Not as long as my heart beats

You wait for me at home
And I will see you soon
My love of my life...stay strong my dear
For me...please...I will end this here

It's not that
I didn't know what I had
It's just that
I never thought I'd lose it

There are no pictures of the forgotten child
just second hand memories
of a police station handmedown
and too many mothers.

There are no echoes of my smile to be found in family albums

No book to lovingly hold the dates of firsts unwitnessed by love.

Yellowed paper bears witness to my existence, a name given, typed above that of an unknown Father and a mother too new to bear my needs.

There are no tales of first days and birthdays, no tears of joy at my arrival, nor at my loss.
Just me, a girl with no past and a stolen future, screaming at shadows while clutching at straws, hoping that someday my face will be reflected by that which I did not create.

I dream of you as fingers roam
to places deep within
and wonder how I ever lost
the urge to roar with sin.

My hands they wander, quicker now,
with eager memory
of how your limbs felt wrapped with mine,
though it has never been.

You loved me once in forest glade,
again on golden shore
you took me on a stormy night
and left me wanting more.

Now here I lie in shaking form
exhaling ragged breath
in hope that one day you'll return
to love me half to death.

My body is your witness,
please shake it to it's core,
how cruel it seems to leave me here
in lust forevermore.

So take these wanton letters,
this statement of my need,
then fill my ever lonely nights
with sweet debauchery.

This night is too long, without you I toss and turn in hope of slumber, finding only isolation and shattering need. I ache, my heart a pulsing bruise, my body weak from all the wanting, my mind lost somewhere between your echo and the closing of the door. 

I am barely here, gossamer silence wrapped in satin bows and weeping scars.

I have become my own tragedy, a lost soul wondering through darkness, chasing the fireflies of my imagination but never grasping their glow. My age leaves me weary, too many years have passed unnoticed while your hands dealt passions blows in the name of fun and inappropriate pursuits, but to what end?
My loneliness is a heavy blanket that offers no comfort, our love is a lie without remorse and you, my love, are the noose from which I will hang.