I miss the way you touch your hair.
I miss the way you held my stare.
I miss the way you speak to me,
Like there's nowhere in the world you'd rather be.
I miss the way you look at me,
Like I'm giving you something no one else can see.
I miss the way you made me feel,
Like your arms were made of silk and steel.
You're the boy who made my heart skip a beat.
You're the man who got me back on my feet.
But now I've got nowhere to go.
No one to tell me all the things you know.
I want you back because you are everything I lack.

It seems as though every minute is a life changing moment.
One second, everything's ok; it's just an off day.
The next, there is death in the air.
I wish I could hold you forever,
Protect you from all the things you feared.
But instead, I felt your heart quit its beat.
I can't believe I still have tears left to cry.
I can't believe that I haven't shriveled up and died.
You're still floating in the air; in my clothes; you're everywhere.
My guardian angel, you were there.
You loved me, you cared.
You showed up when I need help, you had a halo
Now I've grown, so it's time for you to go home.

Your green eyes light up the night in my dark room.
And in the shadows I can see you blink slowly to say:
"I love you. I'll keep you safe."
With your head on my shoulder,
My shuddering body calms, and the sobs subside
I can feel my tears drying as a striped tail keeps time.
Your growling cries fend off every intruding demon
And you ward off the devils in my brain.
I run my hand over your soft head and I'm no longer afraid.
You're the thief turned hero
The story of my success
You're the criminal at my rescue
You're the Bandit who stole my heart for safe keeping.

Cut into her skin to see what she’s made of

    Her bones shake with noise

    Her heart beats a rhythm

    Her blood flows to a melody that escapes

        with every slice of her vein

Though they say she’s beautiful

They don’t see the scars of battle

    There is no peacetime in this war.

She’s tired.

They say “keep fighting”

    but they don’t know

        that she gave up long ago

You see, there is a monster that can’t be killed.

It will win in the end

No matter how much she puts in.

This is no fight.

It is a bloodbath

    There is no coming back.

Capsules unload down her throat and her eyes close

She’s tired.

She swallows the poison with no hesitation

    and lays on her bed

        whiskey by her head.

She never knew the appeal of the drink

    but figured it would do the trick.

All she ever wanted in life was the sleep when she was sick.

They told her she was born with illness in her mind

    and too much compassion.

They said she should look out for herself

    so she looked into her heart

She saw the exhaustion and knew what to do.

She fell asleep and will never come to.

All this deceiving is getting far too easy
All my white lies are stacking up like spies
Who can I trust in this world of lust?
Who listen as if it's a given

So go talk to a wall, get hugs from a waterfall
Here it all goes down the drain and you will be ok
Just kick up the floor, it's doesn't matter anymore
You are the boss of it here, and I will lend you my ear

Just listen for my sign, we be alright
Together we can and will fight
We will win before the night
We all know what it's like to not need anyone
But I bet you need me now and I'll be there somehow

Just listen to the clock because time knows best
Find your clock and don't let it stop

When you have the choice between a semi-colon and a period
Which would you choose?
If the period were made of the tears of friends,
Would you still reach for an end?
Because I would rather reach an exclamation point
than the question marks of those who didn't know me.
I would rather a second chance to break rules and fix mistakes
Than to end before I can complete my...

When the flaming sky is raining down on your dreams
You still have to have something to believe
When the starry skies are covered by milky streaks of light
and you can't see their twinkling eyes
You still have to know that everything will be alright
Nothing you ever do will make me stop loving you
I could never deny how bright you make my life
I want to hear it said, every day, not just in my head
I want my self-hating skin to shed.
I don't want to keep carrying this lead.
Listen when I say I'm not going away
Because I love the way you look my way
I wish I could see it every day.

I give my life to You
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
I give up myself to do Your will.
Give me the strength to bend but not break
Help me to give Your name its own deserving fame.
I love You
I serve You
I believe.
Amen.

Here's to a couple of beautiful lives.
You look at me and don't avoid my eyes
I look at you and all I see is smiles
and although I live to hear your praise
I just want you to feel happy days
Listen to me like you do
hear my words I say to you
What you say to me is what you need to believe
and I won't rest until you see
Listen to you like I say
hear your words and find your happy day.

When life throws you too much to handle
Give it to me and we'll share the mantle
Listen to the world around you
and know that I will not drop you
I love the smell of your hair and the light in your eyes
Together, maybe we can rise
Out of the lot we were given
Make the most of our situation
Give me half of your smile and I could turn the night to day
If I had an ounce of your strength, I could relieve Atlas.
And if you read my head for one second,
You'd hear your name a thousand times
You'd see your face from my eyes, and know that I see past your facade
You'd hear every word you ever said to me and know just how loud you are
You feel the safety of your arms
and you would never let me go.

I don't need scars to prove I have a beating heart
and I don't need lines to make me divine
My life is just beginning
and the world won't stop spinning
Look up at the sun
and see that we are one
my palms are wet
my eyes are sweating
but my mind is racing through every setting.
Time won't give you a second to breathe
You have to make a move and not fall off your seat
Listen to what the wise man said back then
"You're more than your scars and the tools used to make them."

My name is but a twisted heart
Does is beat when you speak?
It's mangled and broken
Will it still beat when you speak?
I only live to please
I spend my life on my knees
and yet I'm nothing but ******
Listen to my name beat
without rhythm
without rhyme
I never look to the skies
Because the dead grass has leashed my eyes
and I'll never show a smile
because my lips can only point down
I listen to this song to know I'm not alone
I wish I were on your tongue
but, yes, I know that under the art
My name is but a twisted heart.

the light is so far away
but I hear the train so near
I scream, but the horn is blaring
but why are you all just staring?
The ropes tighten as I struggle
my half-hearted efforts are useless
when can I be released?
when can I finally breathe?
are you finished yet?
My eyes are forced to close forever with the sand of your storm
introspective roaring
my brain is imploding
I'm going the wrong way on this mountainous escalator
I'm just so tired
the exhaustion is overwhelming
everything I used to do
I now do for you
but you don't even know
I can only offer my condolences
but I can't rewire my head
it's all set.
I'm dead.

Going through the motions of every day
Trying to make you all think I've changed my ways.
Living life stuck in this daze.
This maze.

How could you believe I changed my mind?
Have you met me? I'm not fine.
I don't believe I should even try
Not me. Not I.

All I've ever wanted to hear is what I tell you.
Yet no one gets the hint, they don't have a clue.
"Don't worry sweetie, it's nothing you do.
Would I lie to you?"

And as my fingers tremble with the ache of memories
I wish you were here to give my hand a squeeze.
If no one were around I'd drop to my knees
And Death I would plead.

I want to be alone right now
with nothing but my thoughts
Nobody here can ever know
exactly what I've fought
I always try
but never do
Leaving you all behind
words and thoughts
leave their marks
but no one can see
these scars upon my heart
they say people will always feel
what you do for yourself
but is that still true
when I only feel hatred for me, too
I'll never know what it's like
to completely love myself
but at least I can see
who knows the truth
and who only ever sees the lie

Let's all get together
for a rousing game of "have you ever"

Have you ever felt so low
that nothing was real?

Have you ever wanted to paint a canvas of skin and veins
Only to regret it every day?

Have you ever wanted to run away from every pain
And live your days in another place?
Have you ever been told no?

Have you ever been afraid to disappoint;
Afraid you couldn't work your own voice?

Have you ever wondered what it's like on the other side?
I wonder if it's really a heaven in the sky?
Maybe it's nothing and you really do just die.

Have you ever felt so buried under stress
that you couldn't even get dressed?

Have you ever wanted to down a bottle
And feel powered, full-throttle?

Have you ever hoped to bleed dry
So you could be light enough to fly?

Have you ever dreamed of bleeding skin
then woke up, wishing it had happened?

Have you ever loved the pain of an open sore
So much so that you made some more?

Have you ever loved someone so much so
that you didn't even care where your own life would go?

I have.

All these things.

I can't talk anymore.

My heart is throbbing.

Your smile lights up my whole life
When I look in your eyes, it's like
I'm flying through a dusty sea
When I catch your waves, you see me
It's as if you already know me
Our brains are alike
And so are we
I look in my soul
And I see
You and me
Will you understand, please?
I know, I know, I know
I'm so sorry.
And when you look at me
It's me who can't breathe
Now I'm the claustrophobia
And you're the door for me to leave
And you can see right through me
I really can't explain it
Our brains are alike
And so are we.

"Well, you're going to die anyway."

My gaze sweeps over the streets of the muse of our spirit.
The men click their heels.
The women dance to their ancestors' beat.
The children clap and keep their time.
We live in a swirl of our own past.
Fields and crops
Love and loss.
We remember
We live on.

Walking up to the big beautiful house.
a mansion of sorts.
Open the door, revel in the amazing novelties in each room.
The bookshelf.
The big piano.
The grand staircase.
The host tells her to head up to her quarters.
Up the stairs she floats
her head in a daze from the extravagance surrounding her.
Into the room that could fit a barn,
she gazes around.
Her eyes glance over
the desk
the armoire
the windows with a view
the doors to the bathroom
finally,
the giant bed.
white sheets
white pillows
white blankets
pure, fine, snowy.
Her legs blur and she bounds into the bed.
As she snuggles in,
her heart drops.
She hates it here.
She wants to leave.
The door locks behind her.
She calls for the host.
Screams to be released.
Demands to leave the beast.
But the beast will never leave.
He begins to come alive.
She sees a kitchen knife.
Suddenly, she, herself, is the enemy.
The beast tells her what to do.
get the legs, the arms, ribs and face, too.
Her body drains, every second is another pint.
Her breath smells of blood
Her hair matted, but
She finally finds peace.
She remembers how she loves the beast.
But no.
She can't stay.
What of her friends?
She can't leave the devastation behind.
These lives are more than a tweak of the spine.
Her ****** knees shake
Her gashed elbows tremble
They need me! They need me! It's not this simple!
As I awake from this dream
I know what I need.
I feel my heart beat
as even my eyes bleed.

We all have this pretense of perfection.
No one wants to believe in flaws.

We are pushed to be perfect.
Pushed so hard.
Pushed too far.

Reaching perfection
Is like touching the sky.

Always the goal
Not ever probable.

Many think that perfection is a dream.
Instead, it's a nightmare.

A nightmare we wake up crying from.

Love is the beginning and the end.

Perfection is a nice image
But never believe that it will happen.

Every day we get closer to perfection
And yet, we will never be as close
As we are right now.

Shh! Quiet down
Shut your mouth.
Hear that sound?
It's drowning you out.

Listen close.
Silent as a ghost.

The whimpering
The barking
The biting
The fighting

Do you see them?
Inside your life's hole.
They're there
Fighting for your soul.

One dog,
Black as night
It seems as though he's winning the fight

The other,
Brighter than light.
Covered in wounds, he doesn't move.

I kneel next to the ****** hound,
But I leave kibble all around.

The black one eats
'til he's had his fill.

The white one lifts his head for a crumb of strength
I push his head back down and stroke him lovingly

But comfort means nothing when he's dying
The black dog's finished, he comes up beside me,
His head in my lap.
The white dog's crying.

The puddle of blood grows
I am being swallowed whole.

I see the flames beneath
So I jump to my feet.
I lean over to see.

The black dog's tail swings side to side
As he looks his master in the eye.
Is it possible for a dog to smile?

I begin to fear
I pull the white dog near.

The dark one growls
My heart rejoices

"I don't understand"
The white one wails.
His eyes close.
Stillness covers his tail.

My eyes overflow
My face breaks down
My hands grasp out
I'm falling down.

This agony is leaving
My chest no longer heaving

But the black dog grabs me
Pulls me from peace
Tosses me aside
I lean on the beast

I look to the white dog
Sadness fills my heart

But then,

His eyelids part.

But the black dog has quite the head start.

The fear of the unknown
caused by self-inflicted anxiety
eventually leads to a
hunger for success
through the music of your voice
you see past my pretenses.

I'm scared

I don't want to be here.

I'm terrified.

I don't want to leave.

I'm alone.

I don't want anyone.

I'm sad.

I just want a hug.

Lock the muzzle
On that stupid mutt.
Don't let it cry.
Keep It shut.

If it makes a sound,
Kick it down.
Just pop it hard,
Right on the snout.

Master knows best.
Master above pet.
If it scratches the door,
Slam its foot.

"Don't you whine!"

"Don't you cry!"

"I swear to God!"

"You whimper, you die!"

That dog is nothing
But a mouth to feed.
And if there's no food
Then there is no need.

Don't you dare.
Please, I beg.
Don't make a sound
Or you'll lose your head.

How did I get here?
Where did I turn wrong?
When will I find the map back home?

Who to turn to
     When your arms are long gone.

Your whispers fading with distance

I just can't make myself believe.
Like an Israelite, I need tangibility.
I need constant proof.

My fort of safety drove off in a van.
The love of my life is now a man.

Oh, you swear, do you?
When will I begin believing truth?
I'm just a naive youth.

Quit taking advantage of me.
You know you're all I see.
You know you made me believe.

How could I let myself fall?
How did you break down my walls?
Tears made my eyes shine like a doll's
because of you.

I hate what you do to me.
Why didn't you let me wither;
Just let me waste away
Until I find another day?

Why did you choose to care?
It doesn't make sense.
Why did you become a child's bear
When you knew my childishness?

All I wanted was to drift away
But you made me want to stay.
Why couldn't you just let me take the easy way?

I owe you so much debt.

Why me?
Why did you choose me to love?
Why did you cry over me?
Why do you have to mean so much to me?

Tick tock
Watch the hands race around the clock.
You mark the time
by the reflection on a dime.
red, black, red, red, black, red.
Connect them together
I win again.
Forget about my past
Immersed in rebirth

Sleeping.
    Sitting.
        Bored.

Talking.
    Listening.
        Tears.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What should I see?

I look at the mirror,
She looks back at me.
Not the girl with fear in her eyes.
Not the girl controlled by insignificant slivers.

Instead the girl with the ginger hair.
The girl who plays above the stairs.
The girl with confidence.
The girl up there.

See the smile?

See the joy?

She's back.

Let me start
by setting the scene.
Look around.
They're not what they seem.

I've grown to know them,
grown to love them.
I learned to show them,
had to help them.

You learn to listen.
You learn to not judge.
In this hospital of sorts,
you see you're not alone.

There's the Angry,
the Sad,
the Scared,
the Mad

However.

We're not crazy.
Try to see their past.
No one's really as different
As the name taped on their back.

My heart is beginning to smile
as I feel the love of people
I had no clue
there were so many of you.
Now I see
and I bleed
the clearest of tears.
You don't know
how much you've saved
my body, mind, soul
and et cetera.
I still can't believe
the way you talk to me
You're beautiful.
You create beauty.
Beauty in me.
Beauty in music.
Beauty in words.
Beauty in my soul.
I don't know
where it comes from.
But I guess it's there
somewhere
in there.
How do you do that?
How did you know?
What did you see
Way inside of me?

When it's least expected, it hits like a
freight train.

Where you're playing guitar on a sunny afternoon and
tornadoes blow through.

Writing songs to the beat of my heart,
the room catches fire.


My candle is blown out.

Suddenly
I can't see.
Trapped in the black silence

I create my shackles
and swallow my own key.

People come and go.

Some try to break the ties.

I glare with danger in my eyes.

Biting the hand that feeds
is now my only need.

How did I get to this point?

I won't allow me out of this joint.


Go away.

Leave me be.

Don't you see?



Come back...

Please...

If only you knew my pain
knew my fear
knew the everlasting ache for literature.

Maybe then you'd understand.
Maybe then you'd get the hint.

Perhaps you'd be more empathetic.

How about we strike a deal?

I'll eat the banana,
and you slip on the peel.

Maybe for once you'll get it.
Maybe walking a mile in my converse
Will give you a better look at the inverse.

Would the stench of blisters keep you focused?

I doubt it.
But I'll keep going at it.

I don't need you
or your drama
or the stress.

But you sure as hell need me
and my care
and my help.

But I can't let go.
No matter how it tears me down.

You will go first
and I'll be here
give you a boost

to Heaven's Light.

Strum

Strum

Time to tune up

Play a little harder til the coils spring up.

Play

     Sing

          Scream

Pound out the rhythm.

Make sure they all hear.

It's your last chance.

Your last cry for help.

Don't listen to them say:

     "you're sick. Go to hell."

Believe

     Walk

          Sing

Twist

     Pour

          Swallow

Black.


Rest.



Peace.

It’s so beautiful.

It’s mesmerizing.

It’s art.

And now I can’t do it

and I’m going crazy.

I want it so much.

Why can’t I just create one more painting?

One more piece of art?

Just one.

I don’t want to be a forgotten artist.

I swear to you

I really didn't mean to

But, now we've hurt you

Please

**** me, too.

First, you feel the cool against your fingers.
     Let yourself calm down.
     Everything will be ok.

Next, comes reluctant defiance as you move closer and closer.

And then


Contact. The point meets flesh


Add a little pressure and adrenaline does the rest.


Your fingers twitch, you feel a scratch.


Now just watch, sit back. Relax.


You see the pure, white innocence


Soon, it's gone. Covered by red.


The white line turns crimson, and the shame fills your head.

But you don't care.


You continue to watch the mesmerizing show.


It's delicious and sick, watching it flow.


You feel the pain, you know it's there

     it's part of the experience
     there's no more hesitance.


Now the red runs down

It meets the clear water

And that beautiful droplet twirls and dances until there's nothing left to see.


And so you repeat.




And then





The defeat.

So many reminders

So many temptations

How could I do this?!

How dare I blow it all again?!

If it weren't for you

I'd be in shreds

Unfortunately

I still want to

I am determined
It will not cross my mind.
I will not be controlled
By a sliver of metal.

I am beautiful.
I am incredible.
I am worth endless amounts of love.
I will smile.

I am human.
I am strong.
I am not made of wood.
I do belong.

I am here for a purpose.
I know where I'm headed.
I will be a success.
Today I'll begin living.

I invite you to join me.
Together we'll find joy.
It's been such a long while
Since I've seen you smile.

You're talking
You're talking

What if I can't say?

I'm listening
I'm listening

What if I don't hear?

I'm moving
I'm moving

What if I want to stop?

My dearest savior,

       Do you know what you've done?
       You've kept me from his fun.

       I never thought you'd hear it
       But here it is from my lips.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

       I'll never forget
       The moment of freedom.
       I'll never forget
       How you kept me from regret.

     You never helped me love myself.
  That was someone else.

     You never helped me get through pain.
  It was another yet again.

       But, my dearest savior,
       You helped me forget the present.

          One minute and twenty-one seconds of silly conversation
          Results in hours of peace in my mind.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

Yours Truly.

Where have you gone?
You've left me so cold.
I have no one
with which to grow old.

How did it come about
The loneliness I feel?
Where do I turnabout
To make it dust from my heels?

I'm looking for a sign.
I'm looking for an answer.
I feel so confined.
I'm locked behind bars.

The prison has provisions.
The prison has no life.
The prison gives me vision.
The prison has more strife.

I have this feeling of dread.
It's overwhelming me.
It makes me want to be dead.
I'm tired of the things I see.

I'm sick of *******.
I'm sick of lies.
I'm tired of hiding
From every eye.

I want to laugh.
I need to cry.
It shouldn't be so hard
To show an emotional side.

I'm consumed in the flames of confusion
There's nowhere to hide from them
But all I want to do is run away
and stay away until I fade away.
I'm scared to stay in one place for too long
I'm afraid I'll be burnt to a crisp
I'm scared to be alive but I'm scared of death itself.
Pain, it's my biggest fear, but I'm drawn to it.
I hurt all day, every day.
Yes, music helps.
But to make music you must hurt.
Hurt to help.
That's my struggle every day.
No, this is not a poem about someone.
No, this is not a poem for someone.
No, this is not for you, or for me.
It's for the universe.
It's for the everlasting pain humans cause themselves.
It's for nothing and everything.
It's for no one and everyone.
It's for life.
It's for death.
It's for old and young, and nonexistent.
This is a story of a young girl of whom everything is expected.
This is a story of a young girl who doesn't want any of it.
This is a story of a young girl who would rather die than conform.
I'd rather jump out my window and just run.
I just want to get away from here.
I just want...
I don't know.
I don't want anything.
But I want everything.
I want love
I want hate
I want him
I want them
I want it all
I want nothing at all.
I am me
I am her
I am nothing
I'm just another name in the books
I'm just another face in the crowd
I'm just someone somwhere.
I don't want help
But I want caring.
Nobody seems to know the difference.
I'm alone
I'm surrounded by billions.
I write "I" too much.
I love too much.
I don't know how to end this.
This poem.
This hour.
This time.
This love.
This life.
I'm infected with the hatred of this world
But I like it.
Too much.
Nothing will ever be the same will it?
How much do you really care?
How much can one person stand?
How much is too much, really?
Did I say something wrong?
Did I say something too right?
Did I strike a chord?
Heartstrings pulled?
Eyes opened? Ears listening?
Mouth shutting.
I'm just a scared little girl.
People forget that.
Everyone is.
Nobody is invincible.
Love is invincible.
Love is no one.
Hate is invincible.
Hate is no one.
Blue, red, yellow, black, purple, green, orange.
Everything's different
Yet it's all the same.
Goodbye.
I hope.
Forget me.
I don't want your sympathy.
I want no help.
I want to be left behind.
I want to be alone.
I want none of that.
I need someone.
I need love.
I need help
I need company.
I need love.
I need water
To get rid of this consuming fire.
This fire that's consuming me
in a thing of victory.
I'll be reduced to nothing
until that day.

You make me twitch into motion
I let go for the first time
You give me dreams
Make my smile gleam
You run through my veins
And play in my heart
You tease my senses
And make me feel

Talk me from my tears
I'm lost in your melody
Your picture puts a spell in me
Magicaly tranquil in its glory
I try to match the outside in
My soul wants to sing
But it's hard to be heard
When you're so far away

Tonight ain't the first
But I know it's not the last
I know it must end
But our affair is my friend
These are my controls
Run by my impulse
Tricking me into love
But it fits like a glove

And, God, it feels good
To let go and then blend in
Pretned it didn't happen
No one saw and it never did

My insecurities
They have the best of me.
Not sure what I can do
But I just keep pushing through.

Your words are my raft
In this sea of hate and doubt.
You help me cry and laugh.
I'm in a rut but with you I can get out.

My love is strengthened.
My belief is restored.
I'm learning not to bend.
These words are what I hoard.

And even when you leave,
This help will not be deceased.
I'll always have this care.
I'll never forget the way we were.

Every night
I relive your words
These clouds aside
You give me comfort

No idea what I'd do
If I'd never had you
But all I ask
if for you to stay through

Through the tears
Through the laughter
Through the pain
And the happiness I'm after

The way you never fail me
is absolutely amazing.
You're always there
to catch me when I fall.

I get a hug through this melody.
You're my inspiration; my encouragement.

You believed in me.
You listen to me
Like they're the last words you'll hear.
You look at me as if I'm not failing.

You are the beat of my heart
and the sound of my guitar,
Everything I love
You keep me from falling apart

Your gift of the soul
can never be matched
When I fall in a hole
You help me come back

You give me the chance
to stand on my own
I fall in a trance
from the light you've shown

You give me the words
I so need to hear
I don't need to work
to know I have your ear

Your gift of love
could never be replaced
Like a beautiful dove
I'll give you the stage

You give me heart
You give me soul
You save me every day
And I really hope you know

Why are you so perfect?
Please, please teach me
You always know what to say
How do you do that?

It flows from your lips
like Niagara Falls
I drink it in sips
Then take a big gulp

You tell me what I need to know
I take it in, but I never show

When will this end?
I don't want a friend.
I just want to send
This all over the edge.

I don't want you
But I need to.
I think I hate you
But I'd love to.

I'm wrapped around you
Felt like I flew.
Now you're gone
And I'm gone, too.

But you've been replaced.
They have a new grace;
But I'm scared to see
What's in store for me.

I'm terrified of you
Though you're all I knew.
Now I've got to do
Completely without you.