A father
Recently met his daughter
For the first time since she was born.
Lack of being in her life left him not at all torn.

Little Annie, is four.
And has never met her daddy before.
He came to visit her,
With her breathtaking eyes and blonde hair
Eye contact sadly seemed rare.
She wouldnt look at him.
So, he asked with a faint grin,
"What's the dolls name, sweetheart?"
Just to begin conversation
And maybe get her attention.
Without looking at her father,
She answered, a little harsher
"I didn't name her.
Just incase she left me, sir,
Like you did.
That way she's easier to forget."

I yell for the monster to come out from under my bed,
but all that emerges,
is the monster in my head.

You said that he wasn't better than me. He was different and that was what you needed.......

He doesn't Imagine happiness.
He doesn't gouge out his own skin.
He doesn't overflow with self-pity.
He doesn't dream of having no memory.
He doesn't Avoid mirrors.
He doesn't Miss what it's like to smile.
He doesn't hurt himself with knives.
He doesn't envision life where he doesn't exist
He doesn't lie to everyone around him.
He doesn't pray to have no memory.
He doesn't Scream on the inside when he sees you.
He doesn't Openly hurt what he loves most.
He doesn't Regret almost everything that he has ever done.
He doesn't Realize that he is a terrible person.
He doesn't Yell into the darkness.
He doesn't meet a counselor every week.
He doesn't end his day by crying himself to sleep at night.

......... You were right he is different. And that makes him **** better than me.

Hush now, baby,
No need to cry,
You're finished here
And you've said goodbye.

What are you waiting for?
There's nothing left here,
And where you're going
There's nothing to fear.

'Nobody cares'
So go to sleep
You won't be here
To see us weep.

What could you have
possibly expected us to do?
How could we have saved you
When nobody knew?

My wish is a kiss,
And nothing more.
Because when I look in to your eyes,
I can't help but adore.

My wish is a kiss,
And maybe your love.
Because I'll never leave your side,
Or be a "never was".

My wish is a kiss,
And to take your hand.
To see the beauty in your eyes,
As I slip on this band.

My wish is a kiss,
Before you will depart.
Because even though you're gone,
You'll remain in my heart.

So here I kneel today,
With tears in my eyes.
Your grave in my arms,
And flowers at my sides.

My wish isn't a kiss,
Or even a band.
It's to have you here,
Holding my hand.

I glimpse your eyes staring at the shadows in my soul
Seeking to calm the wildly rushing storm
Keeping my heart out of control
Unable to keep
The beat
Pulsating whole

I stare into eyes seeking to calm the storms
To make my heart their own
Leaving chambers once cold now warm
My heart begins to pulsate
To the beat
Of a song, it's always known

Buried longings softly rush, to be finally freed
From this heart out of control
Once a half now pulsates complete
Your eyes chase shadows
Calming storms,
My heart
Returns to whole

I don't know who I am anymore.
who I ever was for that matter. I
hate
that saying
"I just have to find myself"
it feels like a lame
copout.
an excuse to leave behind your responsibilities,
an excuse that makes everyone feel like crap. everyone
but you.
nevertheless, here I sit
at the bottom of a dark closet asking myself:
who am I?
that question is just a breath away from:
I need to find myself.
where does one go
exactly,
to find one's self?
I might need to buy a ticket

I have been so caught up in
pleasing people,
I don't know
how to
please myself.
I want to cry.
I want to feel that deep aching rip in my chest that comes with the choking toddler sobs.
I want to taste the salty tears as they trickle down my face, tickling my checks’.
I want to release this swirling scream from within my lips.
I want,
I want,
I want,
I don't know what I
want.
how could I? I don't know who I
am.

I wonder if there is really even
anyone to discover?

will I
always feel this way?
I can't remember before I felt this way. even though I
am sure that there was a
before.
could this possibly be a feeling that people live with?
I need air to live. I need
light
to see. I don't know who that person in the mirror is
but, life goes on.
Do I need simply to repress this feeling, like
so many others:
alienation,
loneliness,
longing,
and now this, this
ambiguity
within myself. that is myself.
I am...
a
question