Death is a scary thing.
Maybe it's the idea that one no longer holds no obligations to anyone

Why is time considered an accurate measure of love when you can
love someone with all you heart for one year
but then slowly as time goes by they no longer love you

*-c.a.

One morning I awoke to my father telling me that he didn't love my mother any less than yesterday and that it was not her fault.
He told me that relationships are fragile things and that they can complicate life but they also make it so much better.
He said not to judge her nor myself for it will be all in vain.
Time would be better spent focusing on the positives instead of the negatives.
He told me to live a simple life and to look for the good in people.

*-c.a.

I wouldn't consider myself suicidal but if someone was holding a gun to my head and threatening to pull the trigger,
I would pull it myself for the fear of not being in control of my own death is greater than the fear of death itself.

*-c.a.

I fell in love with the first eyes that locked on mine,
and yours were a crystal blue and reminded me of a cool afternoon,
and I found myself swimming laps in your eyes while your words had me wrapped around your finger.
I'm dangerously in love with you.

*-c.a.

I want to arrange the alphabet in so many different ways, just to bring a smile to your face.

*-c.a.

My mind no longer thinks in English but in the sound of your voice,
and my mouth forms no other shape than the shape of yours,
and my tongue can't create any words because it's laid heavy with the thought of you,
and I hope you notice that my heart is beating extra hard for you,
and I'm starting to sound like a cliche and I won't say those words because I can't dare them to be true so I'll venture as far to say that I adore you.

*-c.a.

AND I DON’T EVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT ME RIGHT NOW BUT I NEED YOU BAD, SO AT 3 AM WHEN YOU’RE ALONE AND YOU’RE THINKING SAD THOUGHTS I WANT YOU TO THINK HAPPY ONES INSTEAD, SO AT 8 AM I CAN TELL YOU ALL THE REASONS WHY I’M HAPPY YOU’RE NOT DEAD. *

*-c.a.

I don't think you understand the effect you have on me.
Weeks turn into currents and months into oceans.
And for once I don't want any other fish in the sea.

*-c.a.

MY BODY IS WEIRD BECAUSE I HAVE FLOWERS GROWING FROM MY RIB CAGE AND DOODLES ON MY BRAIN, I THINK AT SPEEDS OF 90 MPH AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MY HEART IS CONSTANTLY RACING MY LUNGS AND MY BREATHING IS OFF AND ELECTRICITY FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS SO TELL ME HOW ALL THIS IS OK*

*-c.a.

YOU PLANTED A SEED IN MY VEIN FROM THE MOMENT WE FIRST MET AND THAT SEED IS NOW A TREE THAT HAS BLOSSOMED INTO MY HEART AND YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT IT IS BEARING A FRUIT THAT I’M DYING TO GIVE TO YOU SO PLEASE WON’T YOU COME FOR A TASTE*

*-c.a.

AND I'M SORRY THAT WHEN I SAY YOUR NAME IT COMES OUT LIKE A WHISPER AND THAT A SMALL SMILE IS ALL I CAN AFFORD, BECAUSE YOUR NAME WRAPS AROUND MY TONGUE AND YOU STOP MY PULSE*

*-c.a.

you make me feel uncomfortable in the best way because there are butterflies in every part of me and only you can set them free and I can't really explain what you do to my heart except that it goes from oh hey how you doing to OH HEY ASDFGHJKL HOW YOU DOING in less than 2.5 seconds and I don't really know how I feel about you, all that I know is that I feel everything about you and there are a thousand and one reasons why you shouldn't fall in love with me but I hope that you ignore every single one.

It was at 4 am that you told me humans need at least 6 hours of sleep to function properly.

I didn't sleep that day and neither did you.

6 months later and I saw you again. We talked. You told me you've been getting 7 hours of sleep and I told you that I'm lucky if I get 2.  

*-c.a.

I have this uncomfortable taste in my mouth and you put it there.
With your smooth words and sly lips,
your cunning eyes and devils stare;
you were no good from the moment we first met.
Yet I deceived myself to believe that I could make you fall in love with me.
Because I have legs that could go on for miles if you dared to take them for a walk and hair that you love to twirl around your finger but it's like my net of affections so you try not to get caught.
And I just wanted you to know that you are my 3 am thoughts.
When I am laying in bed clutching at my chest wondering if that smile earlier was for me; when I am laying in bed wondering why that girl and not me.
But see I should have known better because there is always a catch, if it's too good to be true then it most likely is and nothing good ever lasts.

*-c.a.

I really wish that you could be me.
I'm not being conceited here just read.
I wish that you could be me just so that you could have the chance to talk to you, so you could know the way the earth's tidal waves of motions play with your emotions and know when the steady ground that you walk on turns into rocky mountains on unexpected occasions and even though you are wearing flip flops, you still try to climb them.
I wish that you could be me just so that you could actually really see yourself.
See the way that pretty isn't just an adjective but a way a being and that you're being the only way you know how to be and pretty can't even begin to describe the way you are and so many have given up after pretty, so so pretty.
And I wish that you could be me so you could hear yourself sing, so you can hear the way your voice travels through those octaves like its on a summer road trip with no hurry, with a set destination but no time limit.
Your voice is like skipping through a meadow while doing hard drugs.
It's getting you high but so very peaceful at the same time
And I know you may not like your size but I think its great, you could fit in a suitcase, I could pack you up and take you to Maine, imagine all the adventures that we'll take.
I wish you could be me so you could see yourself when you're sad, so you can see that this body, your mind and your soul is some astral projection made in the cosmic heaven above and you may think that you deserve all this pain but you are made up of stardust and tiny planets, you have a whole universe inside of you and nobody deserves any pain.

I wish you could be me so you can see how much you mean to me.

*-c.a.

like the shock of electricity sent through your veins
a murmur went through the hallway
a phrase composed of several words was being forced out of everyone's lips
almost as if they didn't get them out there would be no room for air to come in
and if you can imagine the soulless look of vultures feeding
imagine the look of teenagers seeding
thoughts of you to others that aren't true but who knows except you
only you can verify the fact that you are the one that tried to attack
the monsters in your head by going through your wrist
or maybe by opening a door to your head with a bullet as a key
but these teenagers are ruthless, no they wont stop
they'll find some way to pick off all the meat
get to the nitty gritty, find the bone and just leave
for ***** sake why do they just leave
help why am I scared of people like me

*-c.a.

I don't really know what I am.
My head is a mess that has been stomped all over.
My thoughts have been trampled and my wants have been crushed.
My heart is a graveyard where old loves have died;
incapable of living in my complicated life.
My legs are sore from walking countless miles to get what I desire.
And let's face it, I'm a mess with complicated heart palpitations and an honest to God crazy imagination.
I don't really know what I am
or who I am,
All I know is that I matter and I might not know how or why
but I know that I do.

*-c.a.

I am a part of a fallen generation.
The generation that takes pride in their pain.
We don't let it stray too far, we keep it just at bay.
It is very common to have hatred for ourselves more than others.
People are wishing to be dead because the world is too heavy for our fragile shoulders.
Constant headaches because our heads are expanding at a rapid rate
and we will try to stand tall no matter how much our knees quake.
There is no gain without pain or so they told us.
See we've grown accustomed to the constant nagging of our sub conscious desires, a raging battle between reasons to live and reasons to expire.

*-c.a.

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you so sad?"

Bad thoughts hurtling through my head.
Do I tell them that last night I wanted to die,
Or do I tell them that I'm just doing fine.

I go with the simple white lie, *"Yeah, I'm just tired."
You believed it alright, said it's just seasonal depression.
You said that I'll be fine in no time.
But if you took the time to look up and peer into my eyes,
you would see the cry for help and the ache inside.
I'm too proud to ask for help yet I'm too afraid,
that you'll look at me as a broken piece that no longer fits in this game.

If I went to a doctor, they might tell me I'm vitamin D deprived,
because the stale air and fluorescent lights will wash you out
and cause you to isolate and want to die inside.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm depressed,
put me on a bunch of pills so all these thoughts can be oppressed.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm insane,
lock me up and put me away,
to think about me another day.

So, I guess here's another white lie
"I'm not sad, I'm doing just fine."

*-c.a.

How am I supposed to work on my posture when the bag on my back that contains my future is 15 pounds too much and is weighing me down.
my bag is filled with all the things I need to succeed, mostly with books and pencils but hardly any mental stability
How am I supposed to keep my head held high when they tell me to keep my nose down and my chin up, my eyes open and my mind shut.
I can't keep my head up high because that's rude and because I'm supposed to yield to other people's opinions as if they were true
How am I supposed to be strong when the strong get shut down and the weak is admired; strong is intimidating and weak is desired.
my body aches from the lack of food because being too big is too bad and being too small is always too good
Pale is beautiful and fair but tan, calloused hands are deemed ugly and bad.
my skin is pale because I never leave the house, school ***** and people stare too much;
my hands are calloused from all this writing because apparently expressing thoughts on paper is considered a type of knowledge

*-c.a.

I think I saw you in my dreams last night.
When I fell asleep without the haunting of my cell light.
Waiting for you to text me or give me a call,
I fell asleep with no thought of you at all.
So imagine my surprise when you stroll up and give me a kiss,
under the mistletoe surrounded by the white snow's mist.
A Christmas dream enveloped in bliss.
I miss you more than you could wish.

*-c.a.

When I was 13,
I went up to my mother and told her that I wasn't beautiful because
my eyes were too close together
and that my gut hung lower
and my teeth went out farther.
my hair was too coarse
and my appetite was too large,
my skin was too dark
and my nose was too wide.

When I was 13,
I told my mother that beautiful came in only one size
and one size only
and I happened to be 3 sizes too large.
See I thought that all because I saw it to be true.
Oh how I wished to be that girl in the magazines because even the girl in the magazine wanted to be her.
Oh how I wished on every birthday and new years eve to lose weight and to be pretty.
I struggled so long with this issue of mine.
So long that it became a constant companion by my side.
See I longed for that day when everything would be alright.
For that day when I could look in the mirror and think I looked fine.
For the heavens to open up and the stars align,
crying out the one phrase that would change my mind;
you are beautiful, no matter what size.
See the heavens never opened up and the stars stayed the same
but all I can say is that my mindset changed.
Beautiful comes in many sizes, from extra small to triple extra large.

*-c.a.

I remember the exact day and the exact time when you made the choice to get involved in my life.
I remember the first words you said to me, in person and online.
I remember how we would stay up all night, just to sleep in all day because we thought everything was more exciting at night.
I remember that you were the first person I'd talk to when I'd wake up and the last at night.
I remember telling you that I thought I was a mistake and you told me how I was perfect in every little way.
I remember where I was and what I was doing the first time you ever said "I love you."

I remember when you decided to leave for two weeks.
I remember when those two weeks turned into two months.
I remember when you came back and promised to be "moderately present."
I remember that to me, it seemed like all you wanted to do was get high.
I remember that you became to busy for me.
I remember that it seemed like you were my entire world but I was just tiny peeble in your hand that you liked to play with.
I remember exactly what I said to you on the last day we talked.
I remember when we stopped saying "I love you."

*-c.a.

we don't talk anymore
i don't really know why
we just kinda stopped trying
i guess it was too good to be true
and all good things come to an end.

*-c.a.

I've been spending a lot of time on tumblr so it got me thinking a lot about who I am and who I'm becoming.

I've learned that wearing certain clothes because everyone one else wears them or because someone will like them is pointless because you will feel uncomfortable.

I've learned that piercings and tattoos are a personal preference and that it's your body so you should be able to feel free to express yourself.

I've learned that love is love no matter what.

I've learned that things over the internet can hurt you and feel just as real as in real life.

I've learned that a mental diseases and mental disorders doesn't mean you have to be treated differently as a person but it also doesn't mean you need for help should go unnoticed.

But the most important thing, in my opinion, that I've learned that by being yourself is the only way to true happiness.

*-c.a.

My dearest love,
You have to be strong. You can't break down. When all the troubles and burdens of the world pile onto your shoulders, do not let your knees buckle. Remember proper posture, you must keep your back straight. Slouching adds to back ache. Remember my darling that no task is too mighty for you. For if it was given to you to do then that is what you must do. Don't forget about your heartaches my love, because that pain will become a dull reminder that you can always do better. See boys are nothing special until they notice that my, you certainly are special. And remember honey, don't drink with your friends. You must be the sober one to hold their hair back. I know that sounds like no fun but when it's a matter of life or death, you'll be glad that you are.

*-c.a.

Sometimes I get a little bit cynical
with all this critical
thinking.

My brain is spinning out of control
with the thought of
self-destruct-ion.

My music is my only savior from
this night that wants to
swallow me whole.

1,
2,
3 am and
I should be asleep
My heart is pounding in my stomach
My lungs are in my legs
Everything is backwards in my head.

*-c.a.

I have come to realize that I love my life
I no longer want to die
I look on the bright side of things
Even during the dark times

*-c.a.

I'm so tired that my soul aches for sleep
I walk straight but with weak knees
I'm surprised I made it this far
Traveling with sleepy eyes and cold feet
I'll reach my destination a little later than the rest
When I get there my heart will be put to the test
When I return there'll be no one left to meet me

I'm so tired that my soul prays for sleep.

*-c.a.

The healing process is complex
It takes time and patience with the hope of success
When fixing something broken you may get hurt in the process
But don't stray away
Stay awhile
The sun always comes out after the rain
Please be my sun
while I pour,
pour,
pour,
and then drain.

*-c.a.

1
2
3
drink,
drink,
drink,
4
5
6
warmth,
happiness,
free,
7
8
9
1­0
you,
me,
we.

*-c.a.