I have this uncomfortable taste in my mouth and you put it there.
With your smooth words and sly lips,
your cunning eyes and devils stare;
you were no good from the moment we first met.
Yet I deceived myself to believe that I could make you fall in love with me.
Because I have legs that could go on for miles if you dared to take them for a walk and hair that you love to twirl around your finger but it's like my net of affections so you try not to get caught.
And I just wanted you to know that you are my 3 am thoughts.
When I am laying in bed clutching at my chest wondering if that smile earlier was for me; when I am laying in bed wondering why that girl and not me.
But see I should have known better because there is always a catch, if it's too good to be true then it most likely is and nothing good ever lasts.

*-c.a.

I remember the exact day and the exact time when you made the choice to get involved in my life.
I remember the first words you said to me, in person and online.
I remember how we would stay up all night, just to sleep in all day because we thought everything was more exciting at night.
I remember that you were the first person I'd talk to when I'd wake up and the last at night.
I remember telling you that I thought I was a mistake and you told me how I was perfect in every little way.
I remember where I was and what I was doing the first time you ever said "I love you."

I remember when you decided to leave for two weeks.
I remember when those two weeks turned into two months.
I remember when you came back and promised to be "moderately present."
I remember that to me, it seemed like all you wanted to do was get high.
I remember that you became to busy for me.
I remember that it seemed like you were my entire world but I was just tiny peeble in your hand that you liked to play with.
I remember exactly what I said to you on the last day we talked.
I remember when we stopped saying "I love you."

*-c.a.

My dearest love,
You have to be strong. You can't break down. When all the troubles and burdens of the world pile onto your shoulders, do not let your knees buckle. Remember proper posture, you must keep your back straight. Slouching adds to back ache. Remember my darling that no task is too mighty for you. For if it was given to you to do then that is what you must do. Don't forget about your heartaches my love, because that pain will become a dull reminder that you can always do better. See boys are nothing special until they notice that my, you certainly are special. And remember honey, don't drink with your friends. You must be the sober one to hold their hair back. I know that sounds like no fun but when it's a matter of life or death, you'll be glad that you are.

*-c.a.

Rainbows
Unicorns
The things I desire
I lie down but I'm not tired
I do this so I can let my mind wander
It always goes to the same place
but nothing is always the same
The unicorns here are pink
never white nor black
the rainbows are filled with colors you can't even imagine
but never white nor black
the trees in my fantasy
are made up of delicious cotton candy

In my fantasy
the roads are rocky road ice cream
and the people are the sweetest sour patch kids
this is my fantasy
the things I dream of
I wish my fantasy was reality
but would never want this reality to be my fantasy
because I would be scared to go to sleep.

*-c.a.

In second grade,
My mom made me wear dresses everyday.
My mom would part my hair down the middle and make two long braids with colorful hair ties.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my dresses.
The boy that sat behind me would pull my braids anytime I said something smart.

In fourth grade,
I told my mom I could dress myself, but she still had to approve of every outfit.
I told my mom I was old enough to style my own hair.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my weight instead of my clothes.
The boy that sat behind me would sit next to me and call me names for being the stupid one in smart classes.

In seventh grade,
I told my mom that I didn't care what she thought.
I cut my long hair shoulder length.
I started wearing dark makeup.
The boys didn't make fun of my weight but they would ask me out as a joke.
The boy that sat behind me and then next to me, liked me and texted me every night saying how pretty I was.

In the ninth grade,
My mom wasn't awake to see what I wore to school.
I regretted the very day I decided to cut my hair.
The boys that called me fat; left me alone because they found someone bigger to pick on.
The boy that sat behind me asked me for a naked picture and I said no.
He called me a fat, ugly, ***** and never talked to me again.

In the tenth grade,
My mom borrowed my clothes and I borrowed hers.
My hair fell out but I wanted it to grow.
Boys no longer call me fat because they never saw me eat.
And the boy that sat behind me wanted me back.
I cried myself to sleep and hid my wrists in my sleeve.

It's funny how many things changed since the second grade.

*-c.a.

I wouldn't consider myself suicidal but if someone was holding a gun to my head and threatening to pull the trigger,
I would pull it myself for the fear of not being in control of my own death is greater than the fear of death itself.

*-c.a.

Beautiful,
such an overly used word.
How about you call them:
                                                        Stu­nning                       Delicate
                                    Magnificent                 ­   Lovely                    Radiant
                            ­  Enticing                                                       ­                    Exquisite
                           Tantalizing                                                      ­                   Dazzling
                                 Wonderful                                                        ­      Mesmerizing
                                               ­  Alluring                                          Ravishing
                                                          Captiv­ating            Enthralling
                                    ­                                      Enchanting

How about you call them something other than beautiful?

*-c.a.

I think I saw you in my dreams last night.
When I fell asleep without the haunting of my cell light.
Waiting for you to text me or give me a call,
I fell asleep with no thought of you at all.
So imagine my surprise when you stroll up and give me a kiss,
under the mistletoe surrounded by the white snow's mist.
A Christmas dream enveloped in bliss.
I miss you more than you could wish.

*-c.a.

there's you
and then there's me.

there's a supermodel blonde you
and then there's average brown me.

there's a hourglass shaped you
and then there's a circle shaped me.

there's a beautiful happy you
and then there's just me.

*-c.a.

"Hi." you said to me
My mind races
it's going a mile a minute
Please don't say anything stupid
Please
Come on
You can do it
Just say hi back
It's simple
It really is
2 letters
1 syllable
but so many hidden meanings.

*-c.a.

My mind no longer thinks in English but in the sound of your voice,
and my mouth forms no other shape than the shape of yours,
and my tongue can't create any words because it's laid heavy with the thought of you,
and I hope you notice that my heart is beating extra hard for you,
and I'm starting to sound like a cliche and I won't say those words because I can't dare them to be true so I'll venture as far to say that I adore you.

*-c.a.

When I was 13,
I went up to my mother and told her that I wasn't beautiful because
my eyes were too close together
and that my gut hung lower
and my teeth went out farther.
my hair was too coarse
and my appetite was too large,
my skin was too dark
and my nose was too wide.

When I was 13,
I told my mother that beautiful came in only one size
and one size only
and I happened to be 3 sizes too large.
See I thought that all because I saw it to be true.
Oh how I wished to be that girl in the magazines because even the girl in the magazine wanted to be her.
Oh how I wished on every birthday and new years eve to lose weight and to be pretty.
I struggled so long with this issue of mine.
So long that it became a constant companion by my side.
See I longed for that day when everything would be alright.
For that day when I could look in the mirror and think I looked fine.
For the heavens to open up and the stars align,
crying out the one phrase that would change my mind;
you are beautiful, no matter what size.
See the heavens never opened up and the stars stayed the same
but all I can say is that my mindset changed.
Beautiful comes in many sizes, from extra small to triple extra large.

*-c.a.

I am a part of a fallen generation.
The generation that takes pride in their pain.
We don't let it stray too far, we keep it just at bay.
It is very common to have hatred for ourselves more than others.
People are wishing to be dead because the world is too heavy for our fragile shoulders.
Constant headaches because our heads are expanding at a rapid rate
and we will try to stand tall no matter how much our knees quake.
There is no gain without pain or so they told us.
See we've grown accustomed to the constant nagging of our sub conscious desires, a raging battle between reasons to live and reasons to expire.

*-c.a.

Darling, you’ll be alright
Food won’t **** you but your mind might.
Sit tight
              and hold on.
The storm will pass
                                and you’ll move on.
The danger is in over thinking
The power is in not eating
All sanity is gone.
So sit tight and hold on.

*-c.a.

Words are powerful,
so choose them carefully.

Words are your fate,
sentences to your destiny.

but the lies you tell
make up the spiderweb of your life.

Spin a web of lies and catch some flies
Flies are friends and foes.
So be careful and watch your nose.

*-c.a.

My life is a roller coaster.
                          up
                                and
                                        d
                      ­                        o
                                                   w
                                                         n
I can't decide which,
                          s i d e to s i d e
which way am I going to turn next.
It takes me upside down
It makes my heart spin
It turns me around
Crash
Looks like I've hit a dead end.

*-c.a.

Sometimes I get a little bit cynical
with all this critical
thinking.

My brain is spinning out of control
with the thought of
self-destruct-ion.

My music is my only savior from
this night that wants to
swallow me whole.

1,
2,
3 am and
I should be asleep
My heart is pounding in my stomach
My lungs are in my legs
Everything is backwards in my head.

*-c.a.

The healing process is complex
It takes time and patience with the hope of success
When fixing something broken you may get hurt in the process
But don't stray away
Stay awhile
The sun always comes out after the rain
Please be my sun
while I pour,
pour,
pour,
and then drain.

*-c.a.

we don't talk anymore
i don't really know why
we just kinda stopped trying
i guess it was too good to be true
and all good things come to an end.

*-c.a.

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you so sad?"

Bad thoughts hurtling through my head.
Do I tell them that last night I wanted to die,
Or do I tell them that I'm just doing fine.

I go with the simple white lie, *"Yeah, I'm just tired."
You believed it alright, said it's just seasonal depression.
You said that I'll be fine in no time.
But if you took the time to look up and peer into my eyes,
you would see the cry for help and the ache inside.
I'm too proud to ask for help yet I'm too afraid,
that you'll look at me as a broken piece that no longer fits in this game.

If I went to a doctor, they might tell me I'm vitamin D deprived,
because the stale air and fluorescent lights will wash you out
and cause you to isolate and want to die inside.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm depressed,
put me on a bunch of pills so all these thoughts can be oppressed.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm insane,
lock me up and put me away,
to think about me another day.

So, I guess here's another white lie
"I'm not sad, I'm doing just fine."

*-c.a.

I've been spending a lot of time on tumblr so it got me thinking a lot about who I am and who I'm becoming.

I've learned that wearing certain clothes because everyone one else wears them or because someone will like them is pointless because you will feel uncomfortable.

I've learned that piercings and tattoos are a personal preference and that it's your body so you should be able to feel free to express yourself.

I've learned that love is love no matter what.

I've learned that things over the internet can hurt you and feel just as real as in real life.

I've learned that a mental diseases and mental disorders doesn't mean you have to be treated differently as a person but it also doesn't mean you need for help should go unnoticed.

But the most important thing, in my opinion, that I've learned that by being yourself is the only way to true happiness.

*-c.a.

1
2
3
drink,
drink,
drink,
4
5
6
warmth,
happiness,
free,
7
8
9
1­0
you,
me,
we.

*-c.a.

I wonder if you constantly check your phone to see if I had texted you.
I wonder if you lay in bed in the dark thinking about me.
I wonder if you regret saying something to me because you thought it sounded stupid.
I wonder if you ever feel like you are annoying me so you don’t talk to me for a day.
I wonder if you care about me.
I wonder if you would miss me if I disappeared.
I wonder if you do these things.
I really do.

*-c.a.

How am I supposed to work on my posture when the bag on my back that contains my future is 15 pounds too much and is weighing me down.
my bag is filled with all the things I need to succeed, mostly with books and pencils but hardly any mental stability
How am I supposed to keep my head held high when they tell me to keep my nose down and my chin up, my eyes open and my mind shut.
I can't keep my head up high because that's rude and because I'm supposed to yield to other people's opinions as if they were true
How am I supposed to be strong when the strong get shut down and the weak is admired; strong is intimidating and weak is desired.
my body aches from the lack of food because being too big is too bad and being too small is always too good
Pale is beautiful and fair but tan, calloused hands are deemed ugly and bad.
my skin is pale because I never leave the house, school ***** and people stare too much;
my hands are calloused from all this writing because apparently expressing thoughts on paper is considered a type of knowledge

*-c.a.

I'm so tired that my soul aches for sleep
I walk straight but with weak knees
I'm surprised I made it this far
Traveling with sleepy eyes and cold feet
I'll reach my destination a little later than the rest
When I get there my heart will be put to the test
When I return there'll be no one left to meet me

I'm so tired that my soul prays for sleep.

*-c.a.

I was just about to give up on seeing anyone remotely attractive,
when I spied the best looking guy.

Every morning was painful,
to see his beautiful face and to know
that there was a slim to none chance that he would ever like someone like me.

*-c.a.

Oh lovely, a new friend.
Would you be so kind to listen to my story?
I need to tell someone as I fear I may be going insane.
If you are going to listen to my story, could you please try not to judge me?  
Oh, what’s that?
You’ll listen to my story?
And you won’t judge me?
Oh well, isn't that just lovely.

Now, the question is where do I start?

*-c.a.