1
2
3
drink,
drink,
drink,
4
5
6
warmth,
happiness,
free,
7
8
9
1­0
you,
me,
we.

*-c.a.

When I was 13,
I went up to my mother and told her that I wasn't beautiful because
my eyes were too close together
and that my gut hung lower
and my teeth went out farther.
my hair was too coarse
and my appetite was too large,
my skin was too dark
and my nose was too wide.

When I was 13,
I told my mother that beautiful came in only one size
and one size only
and I happened to be 3 sizes too large.
See I thought that all because I saw it to be true.
Oh how I wished to be that girl in the magazines because even the girl in the magazine wanted to be her.
Oh how I wished on every birthday and new years eve to lose weight and to be pretty.
I struggled so long with this issue of mine.
So long that it became a constant companion by my side.
See I longed for that day when everything would be alright.
For that day when I could look in the mirror and think I looked fine.
For the heavens to open up and the stars align,
crying out the one phrase that would change my mind;
you are beautiful, no matter what size.
See the heavens never opened up and the stars stayed the same
but all I can say is that my mindset changed.
Beautiful comes in many sizes, from extra small to triple extra large.

*-c.a.

My dearest love,
You have to be strong. You can't break down. When all the troubles and burdens of the world pile onto your shoulders, do not let your knees buckle. Remember proper posture, you must keep your back straight. Slouching adds to back ache. Remember my darling that no task is too mighty for you. For if it was given to you to do then that is what you must do. Don't forget about your heartaches my love, because that pain will become a dull reminder that you can always do better. See boys are nothing special until they notice that my, you certainly are special. And remember honey, don't drink with your friends. You must be the sober one to hold their hair back. I know that sounds like no fun but when it's a matter of life or death, you'll be glad that you are.

*-c.a.

AND I'M SORRY THAT WHEN I SAY YOUR NAME IT COMES OUT LIKE A WHISPER AND THAT A SMALL SMILE IS ALL I CAN AFFORD, BECAUSE YOUR NAME WRAPS AROUND MY TONGUE AND YOU STOP MY PULSE*

*-c.a.

Sometimes I get a little bit cynical
with all this critical
thinking.

My brain is spinning out of control
with the thought of
self-destruct-ion.

My music is my only savior from
this night that wants to
swallow me whole.

1,
2,
3 am and
I should be asleep
My heart is pounding in my stomach
My lungs are in my legs
Everything is backwards in my head.

*-c.a.

Beautiful,
such an overly used word.
How about you call them:
                                                        Stu­nning                       Delicate
                                    Magnificent                 ­   Lovely                    Radiant
                            ­  Enticing                                                       ­                    Exquisite
                           Tantalizing                                                      ­                   Dazzling
                                 Wonderful                                                        ­      Mesmerizing
                                               ­  Alluring                                          Ravishing
                                                          Captiv­ating            Enthralling
                                    ­                                      Enchanting

How about you call them something other than beautiful?

*-c.a.

I have these scars on my heart, my hand and my back
I'm writing your name like it is the alphabet
Carved on my back
making me bleed and feel like crap.

Trying to make you permanent
although you never will be
You always disappear before I can get a hold
You were never there when I needed you the most
You left me there, lying on the cold floor
You promised you wouldn't hurt me
or never ever leave me.
Why did you go?
You promised me.

I should have known,
should have listened to the people that were there for me.
I gave myself to you.
I thought you were the one.

It makes me scream
makes me cry
makes my head hurt
makes me want to die.

I trusted you
I loved you
I gave you my all.
But you were there long enough to take it
and watch me fall.

I love you,
I hate you.
I need you,
I don't want you.

You used to be the sunshine
but now you are the lightning that strikes
and pains me deep in my heart.

And that's how I'm going to die
By being broken inside.

*-c.a.

I think I saw you in my dreams last night.
When I fell asleep without the haunting of my cell light.
Waiting for you to text me or give me a call,
I fell asleep with no thought of you at all.
So imagine my surprise when you stroll up and give me a kiss,
under the mistletoe surrounded by the white snow's mist.
A Christmas dream enveloped in bliss.
I miss you more than you could wish.

*-c.a.

I guess we could agree on one thing.
I’m afraid of a lot of things like,
the inexpiable,
the questionable and the unreasonable.
I like to be able to hold something
To be able to see it, hear it, touch it, smell it, and maybe taste it.
I like things to have a reason for its creation.

*-c.a.

I fell in love with the first eyes that locked on mine,
and yours were a crystal blue and reminded me of a cool afternoon,
and I found myself swimming laps in your eyes while your words had me wrapped around your finger.
I'm dangerously in love with you.

*-c.a.

Death is a scary thing.
Maybe it's the idea that one no longer holds no obligations to anyone

Rainbows
Unicorns
The things I desire
I lie down but I'm not tired
I do this so I can let my mind wander
It always goes to the same place
but nothing is always the same
The unicorns here are pink
never white nor black
the rainbows are filled with colors you can't even imagine
but never white nor black
the trees in my fantasy
are made up of delicious cotton candy

In my fantasy
the roads are rocky road ice cream
and the people are the sweetest sour patch kids
this is my fantasy
the things I dream of
I wish my fantasy was reality
but would never want this reality to be my fantasy
because I would be scared to go to sleep.

*-c.a.

I don't think you understand the effect you have on me.
Weeks turn into currents and months into oceans.
And for once I don't want any other fish in the sea.

*-c.a.

"Hi." you said to me
My mind races
it's going a mile a minute
Please don't say anything stupid
Please
Come on
You can do it
Just say hi back
It's simple
It really is
2 letters
1 syllable
but so many hidden meanings.

*-c.a.

Darling, you’ll be alright
Food won’t **** you but your mind might.
Sit tight
              and hold on.
The storm will pass
                                and you’ll move on.
The danger is in over thinking
The power is in not eating
All sanity is gone.
So sit tight and hold on.

*-c.a.

Oh lovely, a new friend.
Would you be so kind to listen to my story?
I need to tell someone as I fear I may be going insane.
If you are going to listen to my story, could you please try not to judge me?  
Oh, what’s that?
You’ll listen to my story?
And you won’t judge me?
Oh well, isn't that just lovely.

Now, the question is where do I start?

*-c.a.

My mind no longer thinks in English but in the sound of your voice,
and my mouth forms no other shape than the shape of yours,
and my tongue can't create any words because it's laid heavy with the thought of you,
and I hope you notice that my heart is beating extra hard for you,
and I'm starting to sound like a cliche and I won't say those words because I can't dare them to be true so I'll venture as far to say that I adore you.

*-c.a.

MY BODY IS WEIRD BECAUSE I HAVE FLOWERS GROWING FROM MY RIB CAGE AND DOODLES ON MY BRAIN, I THINK AT SPEEDS OF 90 MPH AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MY HEART IS CONSTANTLY RACING MY LUNGS AND MY BREATHING IS OFF AND ELECTRICITY FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS SO TELL ME HOW ALL THIS IS OK*

*-c.a.

I don't really know what I am.
My head is a mess that has been stomped all over.
My thoughts have been trampled and my wants have been crushed.
My heart is a graveyard where old loves have died;
incapable of living in my complicated life.
My legs are sore from walking countless miles to get what I desire.
And let's face it, I'm a mess with complicated heart palpitations and an honest to God crazy imagination.
I don't really know what I am
or who I am,
All I know is that I matter and I might not know how or why
but I know that I do.

*-c.a.

YOU PLANTED A SEED IN MY VEIN FROM THE MOMENT WE FIRST MET AND THAT SEED IS NOW A TREE THAT HAS BLOSSOMED INTO MY HEART AND YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT IT IS BEARING A FRUIT THAT I’M DYING TO GIVE TO YOU SO PLEASE WON’T YOU COME FOR A TASTE*

*-c.a.

I want to draw.
I want to paint.
I want to make music.
I just want to create.
Create something tangible.
Maybe create something magical.
I want to create something that will last.
But more importantly, I want to be remembered for creating that one magical thing.

*-c.a.

I really wish that you could be me.
I'm not being conceited here just read.
I wish that you could be me just so that you could have the chance to talk to you, so you could know the way the earth's tidal waves of motions play with your emotions and know when the steady ground that you walk on turns into rocky mountains on unexpected occasions and even though you are wearing flip flops, you still try to climb them.
I wish that you could be me just so that you could actually really see yourself.
See the way that pretty isn't just an adjective but a way a being and that you're being the only way you know how to be and pretty can't even begin to describe the way you are and so many have given up after pretty, so so pretty.
And I wish that you could be me so you could hear yourself sing, so you can hear the way your voice travels through those octaves like its on a summer road trip with no hurry, with a set destination but no time limit.
Your voice is like skipping through a meadow while doing hard drugs.
It's getting you high but so very peaceful at the same time
And I know you may not like your size but I think its great, you could fit in a suitcase, I could pack you up and take you to Maine, imagine all the adventures that we'll take.
I wish you could be me so you could see yourself when you're sad, so you can see that this body, your mind and your soul is some astral projection made in the cosmic heaven above and you may think that you deserve all this pain but you are made up of stardust and tiny planets, you have a whole universe inside of you and nobody deserves any pain.

I wish you could be me so you can see how much you mean to me.

*-c.a.

I wonder if you constantly check your phone to see if I had texted you.
I wonder if you lay in bed in the dark thinking about me.
I wonder if you regret saying something to me because you thought it sounded stupid.
I wonder if you ever feel like you are annoying me so you don’t talk to me for a day.
I wonder if you care about me.
I wonder if you would miss me if I disappeared.
I wonder if you do these things.
I really do.

*-c.a.

I wouldn't consider myself suicidal but if someone was holding a gun to my head and threatening to pull the trigger,
I would pull it myself for the fear of not being in control of my own death is greater than the fear of death itself.

*-c.a.

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you so sad?"

Bad thoughts hurtling through my head.
Do I tell them that last night I wanted to die,
Or do I tell them that I'm just doing fine.

I go with the simple white lie, *"Yeah, I'm just tired."
You believed it alright, said it's just seasonal depression.
You said that I'll be fine in no time.
But if you took the time to look up and peer into my eyes,
you would see the cry for help and the ache inside.
I'm too proud to ask for help yet I'm too afraid,
that you'll look at me as a broken piece that no longer fits in this game.

If I went to a doctor, they might tell me I'm vitamin D deprived,
because the stale air and fluorescent lights will wash you out
and cause you to isolate and want to die inside.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm depressed,
put me on a bunch of pills so all these thoughts can be oppressed.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm insane,
lock me up and put me away,
to think about me another day.

So, I guess here's another white lie
"I'm not sad, I'm doing just fine."

*-c.a.

there's you
and then there's me.

there's a supermodel blonde you
and then there's average brown me.

there's a hourglass shaped you
and then there's a circle shaped me.

there's a beautiful happy you
and then there's just me.

*-c.a.

I remember the exact day and the exact time when you made the choice to get involved in my life.
I remember the first words you said to me, in person and online.
I remember how we would stay up all night, just to sleep in all day because we thought everything was more exciting at night.
I remember that you were the first person I'd talk to when I'd wake up and the last at night.
I remember telling you that I thought I was a mistake and you told me how I was perfect in every little way.
I remember where I was and what I was doing the first time you ever said "I love you."

I remember when you decided to leave for two weeks.
I remember when those two weeks turned into two months.
I remember when you came back and promised to be "moderately present."
I remember that to me, it seemed like all you wanted to do was get high.
I remember that you became to busy for me.
I remember that it seemed like you were my entire world but I was just tiny peeble in your hand that you liked to play with.
I remember exactly what I said to you on the last day we talked.
I remember when we stopped saying "I love you."

*-c.a.

I don't know why but I think
that drinking after someone is great.
It's almost as if the person says
"my germs are yours."

*-c.a.