You're always small
When you're standing by the ocean
But you're still a skipping stone
That can set the sea in motion

You can't end global warming
With the flick of a magic wand
But you still can win a chess game
When your only pieces are pawns

Hands tapping on the table
Twiddling your thumbs
Thinking, watching, waiting
For what is yet to come.

Fingers interlocking
Smiles so wide and grand
Happiness envelopes me
When I hold your hand

Hands speaking their own language
With gestures, touches, and signs
But hands mean the most to me
When you're holding mine

Confession
Digression
Praying for resurrection
Another life
Another strife
That can't be worse that these stabbing knifes
Of your words
Absurd
When will it fall down, my world?
Been scared
Unprepared
How much longer 'til I'm spared?
Going bad
Increasingly sad
Can I feel that life I once had?

Sometimes she hid behind her laptop screen
Or maybe she'd hide in her sleep, in her dreams
Wouldn't face the world outside that hall
Wouldn't go downstairs for fear she'd fall
She slept in late and went to bed soon
And only found comfort under the glow of the moon
But the moon doesn't glow
It's just a reflection
Just like the soul
Of the girl aforementioned
A girl hidden in a place where the demons couldn't see
That girl was afraid and that girl was me.

Take me back to Tennessee in the Garten of Kinder
The border of the south where there's barely a winter
And when there was, the snow was stolen
From the boy next door who wanted some snowmen
Take me back to the eggs on the floor where she slipped
But she was okay after Mommy's forehead kiss
Take me back to the little things that made it all okay
Take me back to that fight we had every other day
Because we loved too much to keep up a fight
So we took some breaks for one day or a night
Take me back to the "friends forever"
Forever eternalized:
*Misremembered

I'm not afraid of the future
I'm just afraid to repeat the past
I am afraid of the unanswered questions
And I'm too afraid to ask.

I'm just afraid of the missing link
Of the chain I've been climbing so long
I'm just afraid of trying
Because I'm afraid of being wrong

Make me into a rainbow
To lighten the day.
Make me into the showers
That bring tulips in May.
Make me into the sunlight that helps the world thrive
Make me into the medicine that helps one survive.
Make me into the spring or the summer or fall
Make me into a megaphone
*And listen to my call

I'm not leaving
I'm not waking up today
I'll stay here
And sleep this ******* world away
I'm not leaving
Not getting up and getting out
There's no reason
There's no benefit of doubt
I'm not leaving
I will not face this ******* life
I'm just tired
Wake me up later tonight

Please just leave me alone
Leave me here to rot
You think that I am fine?
Believe me I am not.

Please just leave me alone
As my sanity demolishes at last
Please don't make me cry
I've cried enough in days passed.

Please just leave me alone
I'm begging you, begging you please
My mouth says it again and again
But my mind keeps screaming
*don't leave

You dip your toes into the water
Before you're off the diving board
You play the scale before the melody
You learn to shoot before you score

You say hello before you kiss me
You say goodbye before you leave
How do I know that you'll come back?
You've got to show me before I'll believe.

I'm trying to survive
This life without you
I'm just a blade of grass in the dew.

Drowning in the mornings
Shrugging it away
Staring in the night
Stepped on in the day

A simple organism
Dull and afraid
A speck in a field
I'm just a lonely blade

Water down the drain
Spiraling and spinning
'Til every drop is gone
Like my patience that is thinning

I know that I complain
I know that I'm obnoxious
I don't know what I want
I just know it is not this

It's not a funny joke
When my sanity's the punchline
Everything is gone
What happened to the sunshine?

*What happened to the sunshine?

I don't know but I've been told
You've not learned until you're old
I walk on carpet, you walk on gold
I don't know, but I've been told.

I don't know but it's been said
Fourteen years and almost dead
Haven't a reason to get out of bed
I don't know, but it's been said

I don't know but you've said it enough
Life is unfair and that's ******* tough
Pushed around and yelled at, rough.
I don't know but you've said it enough.

I'm not sure, but I think I know
I need you to just let me go.

You can burn me a thousand times
And I'll keep running back
I suppose I prefer heart burn
Over a heart attack

This isn't about you
I'm leaving without you
I'm leaving alone

You should've thought about me
When you left without me
Left me without a home

I'm done with every teacher
The constant reprimand
I'm done with students (creatures!)
I'm done with your commands.

I'm done with angry shouts
And tear that spend the night
I'm done with crying pouts
I'm done with constant fright.

Another year older and...
Nothing.

So now the rain commences
While we sit and stare
In past and present tenses
We regret

The rain begins to fall
Cleansing us all
Of the mistakes we'll never forget

But still the water tries
It pleads, it begs, it pries
To remove our place to hide

The rain tries to rinse
But it only removes the glimpse
It gets from the outside.


Rain, rain, try a little harder
Burn me with your acid water.

We walk the same carpet
You don't walk on gold
But you walk with a stride
That is conceded and bold

You hold yourself above
Us "peasants," so young
Up on the wall
Where your certificate has been hung

You've got a degree
We've just been burned
We are still learning
And you've already learned.

But there's still something
That we have and you don't
We've got time to learn
Something that you won't

We can learn to respect.
Our elders and peers
most importantly
Everyone we meet through our years.

You know my name but not my spiel
You know how I act but not how I feel
You've seen my mask but not my expression
You haven't seen progress, but you see my digression
You see my smile but not my frown
You haven't seen my world upside down

If you were willing, I'd tell you my spiel..
I'm falling apart.
There. That's how I feel.

Happiness feels brief
Pain feels long lasting
Eating your heart out is easier than fasting

Brevity is refreshing
Longevity is boring
The worst things in life
Are just so alluring.

It's like we ask to taste the pain
We want it; we beg for it
Again
And
Again

I'm not alone
But I, sure as hell, am lonely
I'm a train that's settled somewhere beyond the tracks

I'm falling apart
And I can't be put together
Time's a bouncing ball, and I'm the jacks.

In sickness and in health
But lately,
Just sickness.

Take me back
Take me back
Bring him back to me
A smile that only ever came
In my infancy

Take me back
Take me back
When everything was fine
Take me back to see that smile
Take me back in time

1, 2,3
4 and 5
Come six he has passed
Take me back
Take me back
And make those moments last

Take me back
Take me back
Bring him back to me
Take me back to when we were
A perfect family

Nothing's wrong
Nothing's wrong
Everything is fine
It's the same **** answer
Every
*******
Time

I'm not my mistakes
I am not my name
I'm not just another "Cameron"
I'm not the same.

I'm my own person
If you wanted to know,
Why don't you ask me
I'll let it show

I'm not just there
For you to be brutal
Because right here, right now
Your absence is crucial

I used to be happy
Once I was alive
But now I'm a butterfly in a beehive

I used to belong
Once, life was fair
But now I'm stuck here
When I want to be there

I want to be happy
But how much does it cost?
I'm stuck reminiscing
On a *paradise lost

Happiness, sadness grips me
I stop, I pause, I freeze
Topsy, turvy, tipsy
An attitude in the breeze

This way, that way, this and that
Changing minds, changing clothes
Anger, fear, terror, and laughs
Really, anything goes.

The agonizing headaches
Constantly switching sides
The happiness and the heartbreaks
Change in heart, change in tide.

Gone with my sanity
The love that we had
Out with the good
In with the bad
Something has gone
Someone has bled
Someone's alive
And I'm the one dead.

There's this place called earth I could visit someday,
but I'm stuck in a daydream and I like it that way.

Maybe I'm afraid of a harsh, fatal fall
But when I get off this cloud, I'll visit you all

There's a place on a cloud where I live every day
Please, oh please, don't take it away.

Roses are black,
Violets are black,
Because love is blind
And I want you back.

Roses are wilted and violets are too
Dying without the light of loving you

Still Roses are black
And lemons are sour
Thinking of you
Every minute, second, and hour

But new roses were planted and sprouting anew
With the newfound freedom
I don't rely on you.

Dragged by the ankles and kicked while I'm down

Falling
           and
                Falling
                          and
                               Drowning
                                               by
                                                 now

Pushed me into the water, the lava, the hell

Pushing
             and
                  Pushing
                              and
                                   Killing
                                           Myself

Saved by an angel whose touch is a curse

Why
   Couldn't
                They
                        Just
                             ****
                                   Me
                                       First?

I don't want to go forward
I don't want to go back
But I can't stay here
I know that for a fact.

I just want to go home
Escape the present, the past
Terrified of the future
Coming way too fast.

Mom, my head hurts
My stomach aches.
Mom, I'm losing it
Mom, can I go late?

Mom, I forgot my homework
I just don't want to fail
Don't make me go back
Mom, I'm feeling frail.

Mom, I've got the chicken pox!
Mom, I have the plague!
Mom, I can't walk
Mom, I broke my leg!

Mommy, mommy
Don't make me go
I'm completely falling apart.
Mom, I refuse to leave
Every where I hurt.

There's no excuse, no reason why
Everything just *****.
I know I need to learn something
I just don't give a ****.

It's not like I'm learning anyway
No answers for which I've yearned
On one hand, I can count
The values that I've learned.

My mistakes don't make me stupid
My mistakes are cries for help.
So help me, *******.
Don't put me through hell.

I'm scared to get it wrong
So I don't try to get it right
I don't want to deal with you
Instead of sleeping at night.

Your standards don't define me
Every cloud has a lining
Just sometimes that lining's obscure

I'm not defined
As that blurry grey line
And I will not be ignored.

I don't know if it's strength or weakness that keeps me fighting
I just know there's a fire that's slowly igniting

But deep in the winter it's gone with the wind
What will I do when the lighting is dim?

Please don't turn out the light.

Oh, the things I didn't see
Blinded by the mystery
Searching for your hidden past
That you keep behind that stupid mask
Do you have a problem with trust?
Did you say love when you meant lust?
What have you got to hide?
Behind your icy eyes.

I’m moving on,

It doesn’t matter where I’m going

as long as I’m not coming back to you.

It’s wrong and I wish we could make it right

But for now I have to say that this is through.


I’m moving on
Moving on
Moving on
I’m moving on
Moving on
moving on

I’m moving on

It doesn’t matter if I’m happy.

Just know that I don’t want to say goodbye.

It’s bad and I wish I could make it good

But we know it and we just cannot deny.


I’m moving on
Moving on
Moving on
Moving on not coming back to you.
I’m moving on
Moving on
Moving on
I’m moving on
Moving on
moving on

ff
And when the time is right
You’ll still be in my sight
I’ll look into your eyes…
But until that night….

I’m moving on
Moving on
Moving on
I’m moving on
Moving on
moving on

I’m moving on

Because I know that it’s wrong

and I know you know it too.

It’s stupid I wish I could make it smart

but I just can’t come back to you.

pp
I’m moving on
Moving on
Moving on
Moving on not coming back to you.

Moving on not coming home to you.

Hold me like a father holds his daughter
Make me feel welcome and secure
But kiss me like the sand kisses the water
As the waves gently wash onto the shore
Whisper like the wind beneath my wings
Whisper in my ear I won't be harmed
Hold me with your heart, your soul, your feelings.
Hold me, keep me safe inside your arms.

Walking away
A victor? A coward?
Strutting quickly
No longer empowered
Falling from a skyscraper, tower
Because you gave me a shove

I only went up there because you made me
I thought that you would come to save me
But I just sat there, longing, waiting
Waiting for your love.

For the first time in my life, it's like I can't put my feelings into words
I'm out of time and out of breath, it's not my turn
If I knew anything, it was how to talk
I could rhyme before I could walk
I could yell, I could whine, I could rant, I could sing
But now it's as if I can't do anything.
My goo-goos and ga-gas were melodic and sweet
But I'm all out of words. I've been beat.

Ugh, I just don't know what to do anymore...
Boom.

There's words on the tip of my tongue
I'm trying to spit them out
The taste of stale chewing gum
Wandering about.

Flossing through my teeth
The whisper of frustration
The loudest of heartbeats
A head ache from nauseation.

What was I saying?

Should I be relieved?
Should I feel your pain?
I'm climbing aboard the anxiety train

I don't even know what to feel anymore
I've slammed it closed, my open door
But I don't want to fill that void
I guess it's best that I'd just avoid
Every feeling I've ever felt.

Thinking of you as my savior, my hero.
Making it true is dividing by zero.

Error.

Words in different patterns
In different shapes and forms
I can't put them together
As they join in massive swarms

Letters and symbols and spaces
That bring worries and fears and doubt
How do I put them together
How do they come out?

"I'm sorry for being a *****" said I,
A merciful hope and a terrible cry.

A terrible cry, a horrible plead
Wishing that you would concede

It's blatantly not my fault
That you're the one with words of salt

Salt that burns and sizzles and scalds
With the burden that I've hauled

I just wanted you to say
Anything else but "it's okay"