I wander through the evergreens
past stones no longer bearing names
the posy scent of faded blooms
now mingle with the falling rain.
My only company a crow
with beady eye and mourning clothes
aloud he cries into the squall,
this keeper of a thousand souls.
He leads me on to where you lay
in silent slumber all alone
in comfort now I pray you'll be
each stormy night and frosted morn.
The wind now moans its sweet lament
to bow the trees, their heads in shame
as tattered posies turn to dust
among these stones that bear no name.

You will not see my shadow pass
the gate of mournings eerie dark
Nor hear my voice among the reeds
that grow above my silenced heart
No fondest kiss to furrowed brow
to quell the torment of your making
for you have left me here alone
to sleep the sleep that knows no waking.

Here I wait among the dead
within the shadows, seldom seen
with mind as silent as the grave
a nightmare tucked within a dream.

Though my soul be scarred and flayed
by secrets deep and wounded thighs
There sits a withered hope within
to be the girl from days gone by.

Away, away
'til our souls embark on twilight's dreaming
to dance with the cunning dark.

My friend stands still as hours pass
and mocks me through the looking glass
Through whispered words of discontent
she breaks my heart with dark lament
and if I were perchance to die
She would not care and nor would I.

Breaths drawn
against saline skin,
hands murmur apologies
as all absence is forgiven.
Seconds stretch without end
battle cries, faint now but rousing
disturb the whispered dusk.
A call to arms, precious in its cadence
sings of life to forgotten senses
and finally subdues the longing
felt only in dreams of home.

We see ghosts in the eyes of all.
Scarred lives bleed onto screens
as spoon fed masses forget to use the word human.

Do they not bleed red?

We see fear fleeing war zones
while we in our comfort zones
mourn not the lives lost but the cost of the living.

We see children torn from wailing mothers.
Crushed and bloated by the weight of water
tiny bodies wash up lonely, suddenly silent
now mascots for a cause they did not choose.

Inaction is the thief of humanity.
Greed, it's protector, smiles down on the dying.
There but for the grace of God...

No more will I whisper my pain into storms in the hope that the thunder will hide the sound of breaking.
No more will I wonder at the beauty of death and its promise of release, the monotonous metronome of blood dripping onto tile nor how it would feel to slowly swing, my life ebbing away as my eyes wonder at the stars they create.
No more will I swallow the oblivion prescribed, I will not allow the erosion of my soul any longer, I refuse to become any less than this.
No more will I question my existence  within a monochrome world while all around others glory in rainbow hues.

I alone am the captain of my destiny.

There is beauty here should I choose to see it and I have turned my face away long enough.

Barbed words
arsenic laced
draw blood from the fickle,
cracked and flayed
this brittle heart
cries out as mercy weeps.
Flaws once endearing
bring disgust
as contempt marches in
to dispel the myth we created.
A return to walls,
my worth reflected
within the safety of mirrors
as beauty hides decay
beneath radiant dishonesty.
Solace will not be found within the dawn.
Painted and smiling
I will become the lie you chose.

*listen to the silence of the breaking of my heart

Take flight upon the wistful breeze
mourn not the loss of mortal shell
let go of all with quiet ease
for those who loved you loved you well.

Then we shall sing a prayer for thee
a light to guide in passing peace
that you may rest forever free
as morning brings your souls release.

I am the disappeared
my name spoken no more
by the tongues of zealous lovers.
I will not weep as my eyes look upon my banished heart
nor will I revel in it's decay
I will only mourn that time in it's passing is not as brief as your passion for my smile.

I am brittle, not broken.

I am fragile, yet stronger than any part of me that ever begged for mercy from the sweet darkness that inhabits my silent hours.

My diagnosis will not define me. It is but a drop in the oceans of love that swell and ebb behind my vacant stare.

My mind may be tainted, it will often descend into darkness but it ascends to the light with such glorious grace that I am grateful for the duality.

I sometimes hold on too tightly as I quake amongst dreams of letting go.  White knuckles and curled fingers cling to the void that becomes my existence as my dark companion enters without pause or invitation and dances through my day with numbing ease. 

Today I will refuse to follow.

Twilight's melody rises
mournfully dressed in lilac hues 
she grieves for the glory of the primrose sun.

The rise and fall of waltzing starlings
mirror the final breaths of the day
as with glorious mirth they beckon to the silvered chill of the moon.

And if these words should touch your heart
when dance they will past jaded eyes,
weave subtle smiles as tears depart,
from broken hearts and pretty lies.

And if my song it moves your soul
to dance in rhythm to it's beat
then I will sing until you're whole
and darkest fears admit defeat.

Then I will know I've played my part
in bringing light to fractured shore
and I will keep your hand in mine
until the darkness leaves your door.

I am broken
I am scars
I am silence
I am darkness
I am trouble.
I am *****
I am damaged
I am faults wrapped in eager flaws.
I am unrepentant
I am shamed
I am shattered
I am irreparable.

I am lost.

I am every child that was ever taken too soon from the breast of its mother.
I am every girl who's innocence was shredded by greedy hands and hungry mouths.
I am every pill I ever lined up and swallowed in the hope of sating the voice that begged for my passing.
I am every whiskey I ever chased into oblivion with another...and another ....and another.

I am all these things

and yet

I am hope
I am beauty
I am laughter
I am free.
I am honesty
I am belief
I am truth.
I am.
I am worthy...
I. am. worthy.
I am healing.
I am loved.
Finally.

Oh to be there when you wake, your skin sweet and warm with the echoes of slumber. To watch as your smile dawns, more beautiful than any sunrise that has ever brought my world to life. 

To place my head upon your shoulder, my fingers coiled around yours, as our limbs tangle in hope of purchase against our parting and kisses bloom sweeter than any gift man's heaven could bestow.

Oh to lay there in stillness, silent against the insistent morning as love draws breath and home is found within whispers of tomorrow.

I'll sing of all the ways I miss you
and how this sorrow came to be
the verses, lies I should have whispered
the chorus, truths in harmony.

The melody will break the silence
and call your broken heart to me
to be repaired by love unyielding
to broken hymns in minor key.

I push, with all my might
as my mind attacks your silence
and my heart whispers stop.

I believe for a second, then stumble,
clutching at hope,
in a last ditch attempt 
to hold on to myself,
to you,
to us.

I push again, harder now
drowning in defiance
as tears burn pallid flesh
and skin is softly bruised
by diagnosed loathing and sharpened hands.

I push once more
your name now an echo
too late upon my lips
an unwanted cry to the weary,
ever to remain unanswered.

Dark branches dance against an aluminium sky
as dusk taints the edges with blue.
The last crow warns of death as it passes,
it's cry echoing along the shoeless streets
and down to the brook where once laughter played.
Storm clouds gather in furious array
shaking thunderous fists at the earth below,
their forked tongues tearing the atmosphere
as the first droplets spew forth from their ragged mouths.

For a second the world was silenced and freedom mourned.

Dance with abandon before those who dare not see your soul. Let your sweetest song carry upon their waves of disdain. 

Take their envy, their bitterness and make it your strength, use it to stand fiercely against the harsh winds of their contempt. 

For you alone guide your dreams.

Be the light in darkness,  an outstretched hand, a weaver of wondrous desires. 
Be a friend, a shoulder, a lover, a shelter, a storm.

Be you and someday the world will rejoice at your smile.

If I come to you once in the silence of morning
as the sunlight weaves strands of wild fire through my hair
will I taste on your breath a new love slowly dawning
will your eyes be enraptured on finding me there.

Will you hold out your arms, will your soul sweetly beckon
as lightly my kisses your passion will find
sweet petals bloom scarlet in rapturous welcome
as ivory flesh with yours softly combines.

Then I will return to the arms of another
and all will be lost in the passing of time
aside from the fate that our
hearts must now suffer,
nevermore to be yours, nevermore to be mine.

Motionless
I stare at my past
as it enters the present.
A rush of cold blood
dismantles my stance
as I shake within the bellowing air
and mourn as the act unfolds.

I wish I could tell you all the things that make me small and cloud my vision with too much dark. I long to tear the words from my throat, to cast light onto the syllables that cause my heart to flounder.


I have cried a million tears since the day of my passing, none of which have begun to erode the stone in which my fears are set. They are chiseled too deeply into the lonely tomb that holds my sometime smile.


I wish I could tell you of all the things that make me small, I wish I could share my darkest dreaming and not fear the cloud of judgement that will settle upon your brow as it steals my breath and breaks my heart.


I can only love you and hope that it's enough.

The tide charged in deeply, taking all that was never there for the asking.
Desecrated sanctity let flow scarlet rivers while the moon tied her tongue and the sand dried her tears.
A heaven of weeping constellations dimmed as she rose, this shaken child, silent and mourning, her innocence torn and bloodied by this fierce current that knew not her name.
She wept a tear of farewell, her eyes faded in acceptance of a fate once warned. Stumbling, ragged, once hallowed now hollow, she dared not ask why of the moonlit wind as it blew her homeward, to be forever the keeper of secrets.

She will not speak to you of darkness,
she'll keep her sickness hidden well
a painted smile on filthy carcass,
a secret sworn to never tell.

She loves you though her heart abhors it,
she wrestles with her troubled mind
and hopes that in her broken spirit
a grain of beauty you may find.

She knows that when you see her closely
your heart will flee to others arms
for there can be no swift repairing
of wounds torn deep by lovers harm.

Doubt settles.
Internal voices
vicious, vindictive,
confirm contempt.
Laying low,
silently shaking,
catching breaths
beneath the fallout.
Darkness decends,
it's chill envelops
as hope dies eternal
my demise it's final joy.

Brushed aside
unimportant
all emotion
laying dormant
Needing someone,
showing weakness
bow my head
to plead forgiveness.
Fools believe
that they could matter
fragile hearts
lay broken, scattered.
Twist the knife
then turn the page
too tired for sleep
too numb for rage.
Self hatred wins
the sweet redeemer
as lies unfold
to scar the dreamer.

When you leave, go without a whisper,
as though you were never here. 
Do not leave tear stains on my pillow or kiss my eyes and beg them not to cry.

Dissipate, let the thin air replace you. Leave no echo, no trace of your existence, 
no backward pity glance at what might have been, 

**** the drawn out goodbye, the heartfelt speech, the apologies for the inevitable.

It's not you it's me.....It's always me.

Let the truth hang  above my broken form, swaying as the ceiling creaks under its bitter weight. I will dance to it's rhythm soon enough.

Then cease.

This dark is filled with ghosts.

Teaming fingers, bone cold with the agony of sorrow brush my brow, willing me to mourn, to cease to be within this beating form and join the shadows that beckon.
I chase oblivion down to the bottom of the nearest bottle and beyond, my smile a painted scar that masks the ugliness within, as numbness creeps silently into the corners of my soul.

I will not belong within the hearts of the living.
I will not be long at all.

If you could cry a million tears
and carve each droplet with my name
they would not taint my happy heart
for what was yours, you threw away.

Once there was a love you knew,
contempt and lust it's bones did break
until the day your world stood still
and found my broken heart reclaimed.

Another's heart now beats beside
this tired shell, this ragged form.
Another's chest for weary head,
another's arms to catch my fall.

I do not wish to hear your words,
your grave mistakes, your sad lament
I feel no sorrow at your loss,
this lack of you is heaven sent.

I sit at my window pen in hand
staring at blank pages, willing them to speak, to whisper something of my frustration and shatter the silence within.
I curse the ink that blackens my fingers as it flows without ebb, skillfully scratching out the mundane, the lists, the cards, the endless to do's, only to  become as mute as my friendless tongue when feelings threaten escape.
I struggle to contain all that I feel, all the loathing of all that I know and all that I am within this small form. The threat of drowning a reality and sometime solace.
Emotion unknown chokes my soul as fear cages my heart within it's cold clenching.
This art was my voice, my passage to sanity. Now ticking clocks and glowing paper mock my troubled mind.

While I wonder at the point of it all.

There is nothing to fear in the darkness
There is nothing to fear from the dead
This evening these words are my mantra
As I climb up the stairs to my bed.

I wont spend the night jumping at shadows,
that floorboard just creaked cause its old.
That wasn’t a sigh in the darkness
belonging to long tortured souls.

Im sure I just saw someone moving,
something lurks over there in the gloom,
just waiting for me to get sleepy
before dragging me back to its tomb.

Was that just a noise from the closet?
Or was it from under the bed?
Im pretty sure it was a monster!
Or maybe its all in my head.

Now a grown up should really know better
and I chastise myself with much scorn
still, I'll bury my head 'neath the covers
and refuse to peep out until dawn.

The tiniest gift
wrapped in wrinkled skin
eyes closed, softly breathing.

Fragile fingers grasp mine tightly, forming bonds and sealing pacts.

My heart leaps at the sight of your button nose.Your blossom cheeks, velvet soft, draw kisses from my lips with ease.

I gaze at your brow and wonder at your dreams.
There is no purer love than this.

Here I belong
amongst the rugged greys and guillemots
my heart in league with the furious sea
as it lashes the desolate shore.

Cries, mournful in their lament
soar through smothered skies
bearing tales of wrecks and lost lobster pots
empty now of precious cargo
ghostly on the ocean floor.

Salt air swirls and dips above the churning foam,
bringing stinging cold to ruddy cheeks and numbed hands.
A distant bell chimes as tides caress barnacled bows
lost at once within the swirling mists
that lay their sheen upon the dusk.

Love tore my throat in moment fleeting
as crimson heralded the dawn
a pretty penny paid his choosing,
then left my little ones to mourn.

My mind recalls his treasured whispers
while here I lay in sweet decay
cursed by the nature of my Mister,
now hidden from the light of day.

Though worms they feed upon my beauty
and soil has caked my raven hair
my soul remains in chains beside him,
on darkest nights he feels me there.

In terror now he wakes from dreaming
my name a scream that fills the room
his eyes meet mine and sweetly smiling
I pull him down to meet his doom.

Would you sell your soul for smiling
count my worth in copper coins
lay in darkness everlasting
trapped within these mortal *****

Push against the pins of daylight
lest their glory guide your eyes
away from me until the twilight
brings the pain of dark desire.

Tear at flesh and mark your longing
there upon my yearning breast
rid my heart of others wanting
until you are all that's left.

Fear not the moonlight's lonely calling
lets dance a while as stars are falling
to tunes formed from our hearts desiring
and gladly we shall greet the morning.

Though Luna's sorrow may be bright
enchanting all on loveless nights
take heart and whisper with delight
that love is here, just out of sight.

Then when the dawn in chorus starts
and from our skies she softly parts
please offer up as she departs
a kiss upon her lonely heart.

I emerge from the cocoon of your chilled form with music in my knowing smile. My heart blossoms and beats without restraint. There is a sweetness to the air I cannot place, an electricity, tangible on the stirring breeze. My eyes lift to the heavens, grateful for the lack of salt that has marred their vision for so many years. I am all. I am everything caught whirling in this softening glow, this haze of glory mine to keep for all lifetimes that pass in the blink of wondered eyes. I embrace the morning with a love unfettered and know that she is mine. This is freedom.

Silence is bearable
without the weight of expectation.
We survive in limbo
waiting for the explosion, though the bomb has already dropped.
Life stands still, days meander slowly through memories of a time when love was blinded by the bright lights we adored.
We stare down the barrel of a future departed, careful not to draw blood as we tiptoe through our pretty debris.

The room felt shallow
time expanded and contracted with rapid blinks
shallow breaths became the fuse to my dynamite heart.
Struggling to avoid emotion
I flounder, slow motion roaming
to fast forward endings
pressure builds as fear blooms
it's dark petals clouding my vision
as my lungs beg for light.

Did you feel me through your dreaming
as I loved you in deep dark
velvet skin your senses warming 
as I kissed your beating heart.

Did you feel my warmth envelop
taking all with slow desire
sat astride the depths of pleasure
eyes ablaze with carnal fire.

Did you feel the tension rising
changing rhythms taking toll
binding flesh with pulsing passion
sweet explosions letting go.

Did you sigh on waking lonely
pray for evening to begin
to feel once more while sweetly dreaming
the ghost of me upon your skin.

Since I was an innocent
I've been a ***** and proud
each album loved, each song adored
and all played way too loud.

I lost my heart in Candy's Room,
while the dogs on main street howled,
I searched for love in darkness
out on the edge of town.

First love flowed with The River
to seal the Ties That Bind
our Two Hearts watched love Fade Away
as Mary softly cried.

These songs they are my heartbeat
and many more besides.
I thank you for providing
the soundtrack to my life.

Autumn approaches
hiding her dance of decay
beneath russet skirts.

Evenings bleed early
through chill days
bringing steel dawns.

All falls silent
as leaves pirouette gaily
to the swansong of summer.

Birdsong threads remain
as harmony takes flight
to sheltered shores.

Autumn approaches,
bitter winter tracing steps
in her glorious wake.

Once I offered you my heart, knowing it was too bruised, too ugly to meld with your imperfect soul. You looked at it with eyes that spoke of dark horizons less travelled and handed it back with trembling caution, too mindful of the searing pain caused by it's many shards. I loved you then, as I do now, though the mention of such things is forbidden within our tight circle of two. I fear your loss as I fear myself, fully and without caution, though now only your traces remain as friendship flounders upon the utterances of my foolish mouth.

Should I be above you taking all that I want
eyes on yours with a teasing half smile
Or maybe beneath you all mild and submissive
the ******, the angel, the prize.

Or maybe a struggle, not much, just a little
to fuel up our primal desire
a little restriction if done with conviction
could be just the thing you require.

Or would you be pleased with me on my knees
as my hips push you further inside
you can tug on my hair, try a spank if you dare
name your poison and I will provide

I was caught in a moment,
haunted for a lifetime
by eyes that knew no sorrow
and a smile that had never broken it's bow.

We spun webs of wishes to call home
and loved as the moon sang and the stars danced
above the wilderness of our affections.

Slow breezes kissed the youth of our skin
as passing time receded into shadow
mourning the loss of it's need.

All tomorrows became ours
within a haze of vinyl crackles and long silent minstrels,
our initials carved forever upon our naive hearts
though the writing on the wall said too young.

Tomorrows still exist within this realm of empty hands,
carved art, now faded and scarred still beats
with the memory of captured breath and teenage wonder
bought to life in sometime dreams
forged by the moon and her lonely lullaby.

There will always be bad days and sad days and blue days
there will always be lonely too little of you days
there will always be dull days with nothing to do
but the best days are always spent dreaming of you.

There will always be love hiding just out of sight
There will always be searching for meaning and light
There will always be moonlight and lone whistle cries
but I'd trade all these wonders for one of your smiles

There will always be longing for far distant lands
There will always be words flowing out through these hands
There will always be friendship both steadfast and true
There will always be me, may there always be you.

There is a quiet whisper
in the corner of my mind
it speaks to me on dark days
when the sunlight I can't find

It speaks of secret hatred
wrapped up in friendship's ruse
and though I try to fight it
my will it soon subdues.

I struggle in my silence
hiding all behind my smile
no emotion breaks the surface
as I tell the world "I'm Fine"

There is a quiet whisper
growing quickly to a scream
as I weave a noose of secrets
bringing end to foolish dreams.

Give me a man with a beard and tattoos
a passion for books and a love of the blues,
a sharp sense of humour, his outlook carefree
and a belly that jiggles, no six packs for me. 

Give me a man who can't help but sing,
who sees beauty in raindrops and other such things,
one that laughs at my faults and excites at my plans
one that's proud to tell everyone that he's my man.

Then I'll give him a woman that smiles oh so proudly
and proclaims love undying from rooftops, quite loudly
I'd take care of him as he takes care of me
a happier duo you never will see.

Send him my way tightly wrapped in a bow,
I'll handle with care and unwrap nice and slow
this gift from the heavens sent here from above,
then I'll drag him upstairs and near **** him with love.