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Heard a song,
In the end it doesn't even matter,
Gotta stay strong,
The end is one step closer,
He is in somewhere he belongs,
No more sorrow,
It's the new divide,
Until its gone,
We are guilty all the same,
The final masquerade,
Shadows of the day,
So what if one more light goes out,
In a sky of millions,
Well I care!
R.I.P Chester Bennington
Before I met you I slept with a light,

A way to protect myself from all the darkness in my life.


Then with you I did not need a light,

Because you protected me from all the monsters in the night.


Now that you are gone,

All I have left is empty darkness and no protection, just me and my will to be strong.
What does it mean

To be a Mommy, a Mom, or a Mother?

A Mommy…carries you for nine months.
Her feet swell and she can’t sleep well.
She sings to her belly waiting for her miracle to come.
She rushes to the hospital, staying strong but scared all at once.
She lets your older sister hold you before she even does because your sister was so excited to finally have a little girl in the family.
She spends sleepless nights trying to persuade you to close your eyes.
She sings “You are My Sunshine,” “Once upon a Dream,” and “An Irish Lullaby” as you drift off to sleep with her comforting voice.
She cradles you in her arms, hoping the tight blanket wrapped around your tiny body will prevent you from growing up too soon.
She lets your hand go as you take your first steps, the little bells on your shoes jingling away.
She watches your bright eyes discover the dark world she was afraid to bring you into.
She teaches you everything she knows.
How to be kind, how to tie your shoes, how to apologize, and mean it.
She sits on the edge of the bed reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and rewinds Mulan for the hundredth time that day.
She showers you with love and you don’t realize how lucky you are.
She holds your tiny hand in hers as she shows you what life has to offer.

A Mom…helps you with all the school projects you bring home, and let’s be honest, she does it all for you.
She picks you up from school every day, an hour after school was out. The teachers started to become accustom to this routine.
She makes dinner for you every night. You never went to bed hungry.
She asks you to pick up your toys and to not leave them laying around the house.
She scolds you for constantly picking on your little siblings.
She jams out to Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Eminem in her big red van with the windows rolled down on a warm summer day.
You stay up until the sun rises the next day watching whatever came on TV because you’re both night owls.
She makes you a pink heart shaped cake every year for your birthday decorated with your favorite princess figurines.
She reminds you when you get on her nerves that she gave you your life, and she can take it away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, blow drying your hair, while you doze off from the warmth and security of her love.
You look at her and know she is the woman you want to be one day, so you live each day with the kindness and compassion she bestowed upon you.
She is quiet but you’re too young to think anything of it besides being soft spoken and modeling yourself after her.

A Mother…reminds you to finish your homework before you watch TV.
She sits in the passenger seat, telling you every five seconds to “slow down” or “don’t get too close”.
She gets mad when you don’t help out around the house as much as you used to.
She says you spend too much time with your friends.
She’s waves proudly from the crowd as you walk across the stage, accepting your diploma.
She tells you, “Why don’t you pay for it? You have a job.”
She says you spend too much time with your boyfriend.
She tells you that you don’t need all that makeup to look pretty.
She asks you where you’re going but you just want to be independent.
She feels like her little girl is slipping away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, but this time you’re all grown.
You’ve been hurt badly. A cut so deep you think it won’t ever heal
You’ve been crying for days because a boy broke your heart.
You’re confused and lost. You feel like you could never be happy again.
She sits on the edge of the bed.
She listens as you sob, asking yourself what you ever did to deserve such cruelty, all the while still hoping he’ll take you back.
Then she tells you
About the boy that broke her heart.
How she thought that was the end for her. She didn’t want to go on after he left.
And then you realize that your mom is human.
She isn’t superwoman, a princess, or an angel.
No.
She’s you.
Because everything she’s experienced, she’s survived, and it made her the woman she is today. Faults and all.
And she raised you to be like her.
She raised you to realize that sorry little boys don’t deserve the time you give them.
She raised you to be strong, honest, loyal, and most importantly, kind.
And after that night, you never loved your mother more than you do now.
Because she’***** rock bottom, but survived.
And you now see the courageous woman that she is.
And one day, when you’re sitting on the edge of the bed singing to your daughter, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please. Don’t take my sunshine away.” You realize that the sunshine doesn’t last forever, but it always comes back after the dark nights.

And after that dark night, the sun rose.
And you gave your mother a hug.
A real hug.
One like that little girl who called her mommy would give her.
Because you never want to lose your sunshine.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

Love,
Ashley
Through your highest high
and your lowest low,
just remember the waves ebb and flow.
Be humble.
Be hopeful.
Why do I let myself fall when there is no one waiting to catch me?
No one to soften the blow.
No one to tell me it’s okay to let go.
Why do I let myself get so caught up in a fantasy?
Pretending things might be okay.
Pretending I’ll be happy one day.
Why did I let him in?
Hoping he wouldn’t be the one to run.
When everything starts to come undone.
Oh darling, you didn't break my heart.

He did.

And I had to sloppily try to fit the broken pieces back together.

But when you left, my heart was still whole, with just a new crack to remind me it's not full.
You said this was a break. I should’ve know you were always a fake.
Taking advantage of me because with you is the only place I wanted to be.
Now you don’t even glace my way, and I die a little more each day.
What did I do to deserve this? I wish I knew that that was our last kiss.
But you knew; you know it all. But you keep it all from me, building up your wall.

Why do I keep writing bad poems about you when I just want to rid your tainted memory from my dizzy head?

So now I’m trying to be me, to move on from these memories.
I’ll take what I have learned and your love that I yearned
To make a life that I can call my own, without you I would have never grown
Into this person that I am today, so there’s just one more thing I’d like to say.

I gave you my heart, and you tore it apart.
So now when you look my way, I’ll have nothing to say
Other than that I hope one day you are happy, but that you’ll never forget me.
You’ll carry what you did to me everywhere you go, because you never made someone feel that low.
I will always think of the mistakes you made, so the traces of your touch will never fade.
I hope one night, ten years from now, you awake from a deep sleep.

With a trail of cold sweat dripping down your spine, you try to steady your breathing as to not wake your wife sleeping by your side.

It's four AM in a quiet suburban town, the air is still while your son is sleeping down the hall.

You hold your chest as you think of the dream you just had about a girl with auburn hair and piercing green eyes. Suddenly you felt as though your heart had stopped.

Because you hoped you had forgotten about her, and how she made you feel, that is until now.

But not me, I never forgot.

So I hope you remember…
The first time you held the door for me and told me that I was pretty.
The first time I caught your eye.
When I thought you were unlike any other guy.
How you made silly excuses just to talk to me.
When we had our first date and we hugged goodbye.
How we talked every night without fail.
Fumbling over our first kiss.
The plans we made and the promises we kept.

I hope you remember…
The first time you held my hand and told me I was beautiful
When you said, “I’m yours.”
How welcoming your mother was compared to my timid composure.
Not watching the movie we went to see that night.
When you said my lips were soft.
Not wanting to go back home because I found a home in you.
How you took my breath away.
The night you held me so tightly that the rest of the world could’ve came crashing down around us but I was safe from its demise.
That same night when you asked me to be your girl, and I couldn’t deny the butterflies in my stomach.  
The nights I lied awake because of you running through my mind.  

I hope you remember…
The first time you held my waist and told me that I was ****.
When you asked to see if my lips were still soft.
How you kissed me so hard I couldn’t breathe, but I found solace in the suffocation.
How you ignored me and all I wanted was your love.
The night you didn’t kiss me goodbye.
How I was too naïve to realize I was losing you.
When you told me you were too busy.
The night I cried for hours because you neglected my happiness.
The nights I lied awake, hoping you’d answer my texts, calls, anything.

I hope you remember…
The last time you held your breath, as I held mine, and you told me things weren't fine.
You told me you didn't feel the same as you did at the start and that now things are falling apart.
When you said to just give it time and things might work out.
When you saw me for the first time since that day and you didn’t have anything to say.
When I heard all the stories you were telling about me.
How you broke my heart all over again.
When I found out about her, and you, when you should’ve been with me.
How I had to pick myself up and be my own protection from the world crashing down around me.
How I now have to live with these memories when you seem to have forgotten them all.


I hope you remember it all every time you close your eyes, every time you blink. That way you will never again be able to sleep a wink.
I hope you know I adored you.
I hope the pang of remorse you feel after this dream hits you like a strike of lighting, because you beat the odds.
I hope you know you’re the one that gave up.
I hope I live in the back of your head, making you regret how you broke me into a million little pieces.
I hope I haunt your thoughts every second of the day, because I'm the girl you let get away.

I hope you remember it all, because I know I can never forget.
But when I write,
My heart takes flight

With pen held high,
As I watch the ink dry

I've found my place.
Now this world, I can face.
Oh darling,

listen to me.


You are nowhere near perfect.

But I'll let you in on one secret.


You don't have to be.
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