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Caitlin Dewicki May 2022
A cool Summer morning.

6am, leaving a party.

Stayed up, all night,
With people I'm not close with.

Trying to disintegrate
Thoughts
Of You,
With a bonfire.

In the car, driving home.
The sky visible
In my rear view.
A muddled color palette
Of you and me.

Blues and pinks separated.
Struggling to mix
Into a shade of
Purple morning sky.

I might crash.
I can't keep my eyes off the Past.
Too consumed, with sleep in my eyes.

My clothes drenched, with smoke particles
Hanging still
In the air. touching my lips.

Dark blue skies
Ahead of me.

Doubts of never finding
Purple skies
I'm dreaming of.

God.

If only I could close my eyes.

Right here on the freeway.

Allowing my car a freedom
I'm craving.

To guide me
Into
Purple skies.
I wrote this poem after a breakup. When the confusion of what lies ahead is so strong that you want to relinquish control. This is a reminder that if you and your partner didn't mix well, then it wasn't meant to be. Keep searching for your person who will make purple skies with you. Even if the future only looks like dark blue skies, they're out there. I know it.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2019
Suffocating pain.
It seems to be a friend of mine.
Always there, comforting me when my heart is broken.

It sleeps with me in the black night.
Hugging my heart to let me know it’s there.
It’s frozen hands reaching into my throat.
Letting me feel, just how close it is.

But when it relaxes it’s grip.
I am able to fall asleep.
This peace is not allowed for long.
It gets jealous.
Wants me to only feel pain.

Pain.
Overtaking my heart.
Wanting to feel it stop beating.

Pain.
Clawing at my stomach.
Telling me there’s no reason to fill it.

Pain.
Intruding my thoughts.
Telling me there’s no point in feeling happy.

So I sit with pain.
In the long hours of night.
Replacing the warmth you once gave.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
Happiness spreads.
Her little light creates a warmth.
It fills my heart.
Her hand is enclosed in mine.
I squeeze tightly, to convey my love.
Her mind though, couldn't comprehend the weight of this action.

When she's sad,
her beautiful blue eyes become a little more grey.
I wish to never see her eyes this way again.
Vowing to spend my days with my little blonde girl.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
Everyday I sit and I stay.
You leave when it's dark.
"Be a good boy." You tell me as you go.
Oh yes, just you wait.
I will show you I can be a good boy.
While you're gone, I look out the window.
It's bright out now.
The man with the bag of letters came.
Don't worry, I barked at him.
Everything is safe.
Across the street, the small fluffy creatures stare at me.
It's okay, I keep my eyes on them in case they try anything.
Most days you return when it's dark again.
I sit, I stay, and I wait and I wait and I wait.
You don't come though.
Where are you?
I wait and wait....
Just like a good boy would.
Light and dark have passed many times.
My food bowl is empty.
When will you come home?
I miss you
It's slowly getting cold.
I wish you were here to wrap your warm arms around me.
I've been a good boy.
I promise.
Are you mad at me...?

Please, come home.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2019
If only I knew
That kiss would’ve been our last. I would have kissed a little deeper

If only I knew
that hug in the cold night was our last. I would have hugged a little tighter.

If only I knew
that was the last time I told you “I love you”. I would have said it a bit softer.

If only I knew
that was the last time I’d look into your eyes and see love staring back. I would have gazed a little longer.

Abruptly, all this was taken away by you.

Your conflicting thoughts described to me a day later.

While people carried on with their lives around us as if though they couldn’t hear my heart shattering next to you.

I’m helpless in this moment. Unable to comprehend why this is happening.

You tell me I should be hating you, well love, I’ve spent seven months loving you and no amount of pain can fade that.

So I sit next to you, unable to touch your hands which I craved so desperately.

New tears travel down the path paved by old dried up ones.

My mouth is clamped shut unable to tell you what my brain wants to say.

Your brain was conflicted. You tell me there’s no one like me but for some reason, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

We used to be in tune with each other. How could I not see this coming?

Those thoughts scratching away at me inside your head.

Until those thoughts clawed at our love until there was nothing.

Now I feel nothing.

Like an empty space waiting to be filled once more by you.

But you’ve made up your mind for us both. No consulting like we once did.

Our last moments feel like a lie.

Your mind flipped in an instant.

Forcing mine to try and piece everything together.

But you were the pieces that made me whole.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
'The calm after the storm' has new meaning to it.

The calm is the pouring rain at 2am.
It beats up the roof for being in it's way.
Slapping it repeatedly with such a force that I can hear it from inside.
It floods the streets.
And clears the sky of grey clouds.

The storm is you.

You.

With your words.
Repeatedly beating my emotions to the ground.
Slapping the happiness from my face.
My conscience doesn't understand what it did wrong.
It sits inside of me only wanting,
waiting to please.

It seeks to only please you.

Becoming flooded with want of nothing else.
Every other emotion is shoved away, but the grey stays.

Sadly, it hangs over my head like the now dispersed rain clouds.
This one never leaves though.
Every raindrop filled with your voice.
They pelt me.
Never allowing me to become dry.

I thought my love was enough.
Maybe I was wrong.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
You'd think it silly.
But your opinion doesn't matter really.
As kiddies shout with glee,
from this place I wish to do nothing but flee.
The sun is shining bright.
It reflects off the water.
As I stare down with spite.
Happily splashing around,
they beg me to come have fun.
Not realizing I'd rather run.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
I've met many challenges.
They think it's fun to trip me in life.
Laughing and gloating as they float away firmly planted on my back I stay.
A shadow crosses my face.
Shutting my eyes tighter, I prepare for another failure.
To my surprise, this challenge helps me to my feet.
Gently, it tells me, with kind eyes,
"you've got this."
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
It's curious to think how God made me.

For instance, unable to see.

Without tiny pieces of glass.
I mistake a slithery scaly stick,
for a snake in the grass.

While I sit, I hear giggles.
Embarrassed, I advert my eyes to the squiggles,
on the white lined pages in front of me.

I struggle to read them.
Finding mismatched words such as, "broplens" and "selvc".
Sighing, I place oval framed glasses over my eyes.
It's my turn to laugh as I look to the sky.
I read the page again, noticing I have "problems" of my own I need to "solve".

Instead, I lay down in the prickly grass,
appreciating God for the way He made me out to be.
Caitlin Dewicki Feb 2016
Today I know that there is sadness,
     but just remember that she is no longer in pain.
     She will help you pull through the darkness,
     because she is light and the battle of dark was slain.
Caitlin Dewicki Mar 2016
That day is almost here,
I can feel that your presence is near.
I don't think I'm over it yet,
Sometimes your memory can be like a cigarette.
It helps me when I need to calm down, but it's addicting and too much of it can **** me.
Living life without you is something I couldn't foresee.
     That day is here and now.
I will never forget you, that is my vow.
Everyone misses you.
Some of us are having trouble pulling through.
I wish I wasn't one of them,
But I think this is one thing I can never overcome.
I still remember that day.
I sat there as I watched everyone's eyes turn grey
From all the crying that was done.
The scene showed that you were our most beloved one.
I hate how I didn't get much time.
It was like a crime
The way God took you from me.
I guess this is just how it's supposed to be.
Caitlin Dewicki Apr 2019
A little house sits on a hill.
It appears bigger
than the ones built up around it.

It's filled with more things than just
childhood memories.

The family that lived there
was a complicated one.

Two parents of seven kids.

A mother,
who had to put her life on hold for her family,
now is in too much pain and complains.

A father,
who spends days and nights working,
now doesn't know how to show love.

An eldest daughter,
who finally got her dream job,
now loses time with her young daughter.

The eldest son,
who always tried to be on his own,
now doesn't fit in with the others.

The second son,
who was influenced by the wrong crowd as a boy,
now doesn't know how to stand up for himself.

The middle child,
a boy who never felt as if he belonged,
now struggles to find a new home.

Yet another boy,
who was always the jealous child,
now lives with anger issues too big to handle.

A second daughter,
who was spoiled as a babe,
now gets scolded for the way she was raised.

The last child,
a girl who never tried,
now tries too hard for approval,
mostly from herself.

This is a broken family
One that grew in a broken home.

Each member trying to find their way back
to a home that never existed.

Only perfected in their imagination.

Each one a lie.

That's all that life truly is...

a lie.
Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
Comfort, for many, is found at home.
Walking into the warmth from the frozen air outside.

This house, it's consumed in ice.
It's where the Ice Queen lives.
Refusing warmth for her numb subjects.

This ice palace has never been a home.
Unsustainable for the warmth we crave.
Desperate for the Ice Queen to release us from her hold.
But no difference can be made.
The Ice Queen likes to have her way.

As days pass on,
the subjects become frozen.
Unable to feel.
Ice crystals envelop our hearts.
Until it fractures.
This palace will never thaw.
This is what the Ice Queen feared.

She is alone...
with only the cold to keep her company.
Caitlin Dewicki Apr 2016
Right now my eyes see an outlet.
I don't know if my brain will let me through it.
My demons pull me back.
I can't see what's in front of me, it's pitch black.
But that one little light of hope,
Is the only thing that helps me cope
With the evil thoughts that are present in my brain,
And the black that runs through my vain.
Caitlin Dewicki Mar 2016
Take all your emotions and throw them away,
try to keep your feelings at bay.
I know you never want to feel this way,
one day I promise you...I'll make him pay.
Please don't let your mind stray,
I know your emotions have gone down this dark alleyway.
You feel like that day was your doomsday,
I wish I could tie him to a ******* railway.
And maybe even push him down a stairway...
I'm sorry that he made you feel this way,
please just take the thought of him put it on a fishing line and castaway.
Darling don't pay attention to what people say,
because his time will come on judgement day.
So just wait because this rainy day
will pass and the sun will rise making it feel like Friday,
and all the feelings that you feel today
will be better than the ones you felt yesterday.

— The End —