The hardest part of you leaving was not the possibility that you may never return

It was accepting the fact that maybe I didn't want you to.

It's too late to fix what you have broken.

It's too late to be the person I pretended you were.

I can't sleep with you running through my mind.
I never wanted to be this weak, dependent on you for my happiness.
I want to be my own person, I didn't want to need a man to make me feel like I belonged.
I hate that he makes me so weak. I hate that I fall so hard. Every **** time I get too caught up in my feelings and I lose myself.
I want to be stronger, I want to live a life that I can be proud of, that gives me reason to be.
There's nothing wrong with needing him, needing love, it's basic human emotion.
But I hate that I can't sleep right now because all I think about is you. Seeing you. Kissing you. Just being with you.
I want to cry, maybe that would make me feel better, to be able to wash you out of my head.
The saddest part is, I'll probably never tell you any of this.
I haven't told you a lot about me, and I don't think you really know me.
We have time though. I want you to know everything, I just don't know how to say it, but I know how to write it.
And I want to know everything about you, because I think I love you and that scares me because I don't really know if I ever loved like this before.
I want him to know who I am, what I see, what I think.
I feel so much and most of the time it just hurts. It makes me ache so badly.
I just want you here. I just want to hold your hand and squeeze it tight just to make sure this isn't a dream.
But then again, it can't be a dream because I can't sleep.
So I'll just lay here, wide awake, pretending that I'm dreaming, that way I can imagine you laying here with me,
holding me tightly,
your sent intoxicating me.
Making me feel whole.

Two months gone, but it feels like a year. Time moves slower without you here.

I miss you more and more each day, I wish you had chosen to stay.

You're always in my head, contemplating all the things I wish I had said.

I see you in the rising sun, but what you did cannot be undone.

The leaves are changing now, but I wish I would have told you how

much I loved you and your spirit, now when the winds blows I can hear it.

That grief you held was too much to bear, because you didn't know of all those who cared.

Free from woe and all the pain, on the day you left, all it did was rain.

The scars of the past won't fade fast, but my love for you will forever last.

You will always have a piece of my heart, for as long as we are apart.

But not for too long, I promise, my dear, because life is harder without you here.

*The pain never goes away, we just learn to deal with it.

She's standing in front of me, blank face, her eyes wide.
She takes her hands and stabs me in the chest, prying my body open.
She rips out my heart.
Guts.
Thoughts.
Feelings.
Everything I wanted to say spews out of me.
I fall to the ground.
It's too late now to say the words that are oozing out of my mangled frame.
I should've said them when I had the chance.
She stands over my dying body, expressionless.
She walks away slowly, head held high, and doesn't look back.

The only thing I can do is watch her leave me.

I cannot speak, the words are entangled in the blood on the floor.

I cannot blink, I was forced to watch everything I've ever loved hurt me as they leave.

Tears are my only comfort at this point, the one thing I know I can count on.

Talk to me.
Tell me the truth.
I can't keep living this way.
Give me some proof.

That you're still the man I knew.
The one who said, "I'm yours."
I need you to be that man.
In order to end these wars.

The silent ones were battling each day.
The ones that make me feel numb.
Without you I feel empty inside.
But your wrongs cannot be easily undone.

Things will never be the same.
You broke my heart.
I don't want us to stay this way.
You tore my life apart.

But I can't be mad at you.
I only feel sad.
I wish you'd just grow up.
And I wish that I could be mad.

I want to move on.
But you won't let me.
You live inside my head.
Because I don't believe your story.

So please just tell me why.
I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth.
You can't just use me this way.
I feel like I'm wasting my youth.

I came to the conclusion as to why parents aren't scared of anything.

When I was little, I always thought my mom and dad were fearless. It wasn't until now that I realize nothing hurts more than a broken heart. In our lives, we cannot avoid having our hearts broken. We lose the ones we love all the time. They either walk out on you or are taken away. Once you experience that, nothing else in the world can hurt you as much. So, you aren't as scared to walk out into the pitch black night when you've gone to hell and back trying to fix your smashed up filthy ***** heart.

What is a big brother?
He's one of the first boys to hold your small and fragile body.
He looks into your tiny green eyes with fascination while all you can do is cry.
He wants to help Mommy with the new baby.
He misses the attention but knows you're helpless without it.
He's patient.
He's the first boy to ever hate you and love you at the same time.
He watches as Mom and Dad help you take those first monumental steps.
He helps you every day to pronounce "Brandon" and probably something along the lines of that he's the best.
He now wishes you could stop talking for five seconds and leave him alone.
He's the first boy to make you cry.
He won't let you play because you're a girl and you're much too little.
He plays with his friends instead and calls you a brat.
He's at home less and less.
He's not the same boy who would hold your hand to cross the street and you don't know why.
He makes a lot of mistakes.
He learns.
He's at home more.
He's sad and you don't know why.
He has pain and regret in his eyes but you only see him as pristine.
He gives you more hugs than you'd like to admit you really want.
He's the first boy to tell you he loves you more than anything in the world.
He doesn't take your admiration for granted.
He jokes around with you and he gets that nerdy little grin on his face.
He smiles big and bright at your imitation of a man voice.
He's packing up boxes with his clothes and books.
He holds you tight before saying goodbye and kisses the top of your little auburn head.
He leaves.
It's quieter around the house and you miss his warm bear hugs.
His hazel eyes droop but yours still stay an adoring green.
He visits but you wish he'd stay.
He has his own life now and you have to wait a little longer to have yours.
He gives you his two cents even if you don't want it.
He helps you with your art until the sun rises the next day.
He has bags under his eyes like wights pulling him down.
He can't come over as often because he has a lot to do.
He's your confidant.
He'd give up his life for yours and you wouldn't hesitate a second to do the same.
He never forgets to give you your warm bear hug before going back to his home.
He always says I love you before leaving because he knows how far those three little words can go.
He's weird but you like weird.
You never get embarrassed by his warm bear hugs.
He's your soft teddy bear.

Brandon, I love you more than all of the stars in the sky. I love you more than all the grains of sand on the earth. I love you because you've taught me one of the most important lessons that I will ever learn, to be kind. You have more generosity in your little finger than I do in my whole body, but you still accept me the way I am. You've taught me how to love people even when they hurt you because everyone deserves love. Your heart is so big and full of love because you've been through so much and you've been hurt so badly, but you keep looking up. Life may get you down sometimes but you've never turned your back on the ones you love. Your kindness is inspirational to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

I have six best friends, and I'm lucky to call you one of them.

I think you're a pretty cool kid.

What does it mean,
To be a daddy, a dad, or a father?

A daddy…tucks you in at night.
He checks for the monsters that you believe lurk in the dark. When in reality, they only lurk in your mind.
He sits you on his lap, and plays pony-girl till his legs go numb.
He lets you stand on his feet while slow dancing at all the daddy-daughter date nights.
He pushes you on the wooden swing set that he built with his own rough two hands.
He tries to put your hair in a pony tail, even though mommy’s pony tails are superior.
He reminds you not to talk in Church while father is giving his sermon.
He holds your small hand so that you won’t get lost in this big scary world.
He brews his morning coffee, the aroma awaking you from your sleep, and you watch him, thinking, “I can’t wait to be big enough to try some.”
He will be identical to the man that you are going to marry one day.
He protects you from every little thing that scares you to death.

A dad…will help you with your trig homework, but will never tell you the answer unless you figure it out for yourself.
He sternly reminds you to clean up around the house, or you can’t hang out with your friends that weekend.
He yells at you when you pick on your little sister twenty-four seven.
He repeatedly asks you to help make dinner because your mom deserves a break.
He asks a lot of questions because you neglect to tell him what’s going on in your life anymore.  
He never lets you have what you want and always says, “do you have enough money to pay for that yourself?” or the even better, “money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”
He is always nosey and so old-fashioned.
He is silent in the car because you are too preoccupied to carry on a real conversation while texting your boyfriend that week.
He won’t let you become the adult you want to be.
He comes home, exhausted from work, and you disregard the time you could be spending with him by talking on the phone all night with your friends.
He tries to hug you in front of the kids at school, but it wouldn’t be “cool” to hug back.  
He tells you he loves you, and you can barely reciprocate the adoration that the little girl you used to be, once had.

A father…comes to **** a tiny spider in your shower when you call him, even after you have moved out.
He helps you when your car refuses to start on your first day at a new job.
He walks you down the same church aisle he watched you march along to receive your first Communion, and gives you away to another man, while holding back melancholy tears of joy and sadness.
He tries to visit you and your new husband, but you have a busy life of your own now.
He waits patiently outside the hospital room, until your husband announces that he has become a brand new father to a beautiful baby girl and that your father is a grandpa.
He plays pony-girl with your daughter, because you are much too big now, and his legs go numb.
He is getting older now, but you either don’t realize, or just choose not to notice.

He’s the man who forgot who you are.
He’s the man lying sick and pale in a cold unfriendly hospital bed.
He’s the man, once young and vibrant in your small idolizing green eyes, but is now old and grey.
He’s the man you once called father, dad, daddy.
He’s the man dying slowly before your eyes.
…and before you know it, he’s gone.

No more checking for monsters under your bed.
No more pony-girl.
No more pushes on the swing.
No more dancing on his feet.
No more securing hugs.
No more help with trig.
No more protection from the big bad world.
No more guidance.
No more.

Life is short. We don’t seem to realize that the moments in which we are living right now, will be the exact moments that we’ll wish we could turn the clock back to. People take for granted what they have, such as a man who loves you enough to indulge your childish tendencies and check for those monsters under your bed once more, just to be sure. Your daddy will always be your daddy, no matter if you can feel his warm bear hugs or not. It is hard to think that people can leave your life so effortlessly and never come back. However, what matters the most is the impression that they leave on you and the way you will choose to live your life. My dad has taught me to be smart, caring, and responsible. Along with my six siblings, my father nurtured our family with Christian beliefs, surrounded us with love, and taught us how to treat others with respect and dignity. Although my dad and I have had our numerous ups and downs, I would not ask for any other person to call daddy. Don’t forget how lucky you are to have someone to call father, dad, or daddy, because one day you won’t have anyone to call at all. I am so blessed to know that I will always love my daddy, and he will always love me.

You know that weight you feel in your heart,
it will get lighter,
but it will never really go away.
That's what we have to look forward to as monotonous humans trudging through life,
a heavy heart.
Our hearts weigh us down to this twisted earth like anchors in our chests battling the roaring waves
and we will always have the scars of our past.
The traces of loss and regret that leave their cruel mark upon our naïve hearts.
Scars never disappear,
They Fade.