i mean
after we make love
i'll probably stare at the bedsheets we lay on
and think
together
we created such a beautiful mess
like a watercolor painting
shades of reds and blues
purples and greens
splattered onto a blank canvas

to anyone else
this might look like a disaster
an accident
maybe it could be labeled as "art"
whatever art even means

but to me
i see the most extraordinary thing that's ever been created
with a purpose
this love that we make
our love
it has a purpose
it was no accident

I put this cigarette between my lips
You tell me I'm safe
I light it
I don't feel safe
My teeth are pressed against the filter
You say you're right here
The smoke burns my tongue
"I'm right here with you"
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
"I'm right here with you"
It burns my throat, my lungs
"I'm right here with you"
Those words
His words, his voice
Repeating in my head
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
I'm crying and I don't know why
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
What are you doing aaron
put it out
out it out
put it out
You don't need this
You're safe
He says you're safe
He says he's right here with you
You're safe

I put my cigarette out
This wasn't my comfort
He's my comfort
He's what keeps me safe
Sane
Not cancer
Not this smoke

**I'm safe

this is my body
it's made up entirely of awkward limbs and bumpy skin
wrapped around a jagged little frame
and a small mountain of bones
arranged haphazardly around creaky wooden joints

i knew i didn't want to be a “real boy”
but i didn't want to be a "real girl" either
what does that even mean
i want to be a grilled cheese sandwich
or a palm tree
something like that *

now my throat is a chimney
and i swear my lungs are the fire
it seems i don’t care who’s between my legs
as long as they spread me like bible pages
(that’s to say, i don’t believe in any god)
(and i won't let anyone who reads the bible anywhere near me)

as a child id always be afraid of the monsters in my closet
i think monster in the closet
is synonymous with my coming out of it
skeletons and all
clinging to me
like dream catchers
full of expectation that got caught in their own stupid nets

that’s why i take
"proceed with caution"
signs so seriously
and i do
the ones in my head that i see at night
when i am alone
far from home
and terrified that *my gay is showing
while clinging to chest in "mens" restrooms hoping that no one thinks im a girl
hoping that no ones paying enough attention because ive gotten the **** beat out of me way
too many times over this
i do
when it comes to loving him
so unconditionally
that my heart feels like
the only muscle in my body
with any fight left

*this is my body
it’s bent and severely broken
with anxieties
but it is mine
worriedboy's

( im sitting here watching this medicine
drip drip drop
the clock is making a ticking noise and im trying to focus my attention on it
this stuff makes me loopy i swear
and none of my thoughts are making much sense at the moment
which is making me sound extra artsy and poetic)

watch;
this false ownership
we say our universe and our planet because we see something gorgeous in it all and as humans we instinctively want to have ownership over things; it's the same kind of scenario as when a young child wants the cutest kitten or the prettiest flower
or in the way that i call you mine
i ask myself all the time
did i find you? are you mine?
~
the sun is at my back
and the sky matches his eyes
we're almost touching
our mouths hover close
god this thing that we are creating
it is infinitely beautiful

when im getting these treatments called actual hell
i close my eyes
i let visions of him play in my mind
every time i hear his voice a kind of silence washes over me
and for the first time in my life i know who im destined to be and
who im meant to be with
and no other thing has ever felt like belonging to him does
this is how i was made
and here i am
almost home
just not quite
none of this can be undone
and i will never be the same because of him

l o g a n
these letters? they might be my favorite
(they are)
this boy is so marvelous
when he spoke to me for the first time i swear i think the sun stopped to kiss the night
the sun burned holes into the sky
it spoke to the earth and sang to the universe
rays and waves and secret forms of communication
cracks formed in the earth and it opened up to show all of the things that had been lying dormant inside waiting for us
new things began to bloom
there were flowers born
shooting up out of the mud
overwhelming light bursting out of them
the flowers tore themselves wide open
to show us what was hidden inside
his eyes flashed fire
and his eyes flashed nebulas**

**** my heart would've died otherwise

you are my fairy tale
you came charging into my life
(***** the "he came on a white horse" bit, you had a frickin unicorn)
sword in hand
ready to fight off the monsters that were keeping me locked away
rescuing me from
that lost soul i was becoming

prince charming has nothing on you

i’m afraid.
i’m absolutely terrified of losing you
you dropping out of my life one day with no explanation
or finding someone else that gives you more than i can

i know you won't leave i believe you with all my heart when you say you're not going anywhere
but then my brain thinks it's allowed to think whatever off the wall **** it wants to
and i freak out
~
i guess im more afraid of how fast these feelings we have evolved from
cute instagram mutuals
to
saying those three words we say that make my heart have a spaz attack like im in the seventh ******* grade having my first serious crush
im afraid of
how fast i said those stupid ******* words that i promised id never say again
and now im saying them over and over again to you
but i mean them i swear on everything that i do mean them
~
i get stuck up in my head
my anxieties are so crippling i'll sit for hours just thinking about things like
the words im using
what feelings im being open about
which ones im not
what if i say something too much
or too fast
****
these scenarios start playing in my head like a broken record every time either one of us says something even remotely close to having to do with how we feel about each other
~
every single person that's ever been in my life
no
they've broken me
each and every one of them
separately
and i  used to try so hard to find the courage to trust people but every time i did it'd get torn down again
but i trust you
i trust you and it's terrifying
i want you and it's terrifying
of course i love you and of course
(i need you)
that's so so so ******* terrifying
~
i used to swallow a fist full of pills every day to numb my emotions
so i could at least barely get by
the problem (besides the obvious drug abuse) is that while i was neglecting to feel those emotions
i was also neglecting to learn how to feel them
without panicking
~
i am pretty **** weak still
there
i said it
i am weak
i have no idea what im doing
~
im not just saying this
ive never opened up to someone like
i have to you before
ive never really opened up to anyone at all
~
please put up with me
don't get tired of dealing with my scramble brains and thoughts and emotions
im getting there
im trying

in the face of brokenness and darkness,
we all  have the magic within us to make miracles happen.
sometimes the miracle is getting out of bed and trying again.
sometimes the miracle is making it through another day.
sometimes it's simply that you stayed.

countless others have tried to please me
not one of them has been succesful
because deep down inside
i know they were only trying to please themselves

but you
oh god here's the thing about you
you don't have to try to bring me happiness
you just do

before you
i fed on scraps of chewed up happy
bits and pieces of whatever i could possibly get my hands on
i was starving

i begged and pleaded;
give me more give me more give me
more
my hunger was never ending

i tried my damndest to be deserving
silly me should've known i wasn't the undeserving one
you taught me that

you and i
we don't need to give
or take
or bargain
just to exist together

you're my best friend (with five of the letter f)
my sidekick
always completely full of love
we're happy just to hold up each others hearts, hopes
and secret dreams that help us believe theres a better place out there than here

there are no terms and conditions
no expectations
our lives are both complex and impossible,
when we're together they're  simple and limitless

im pouring myself into you
filling the aching places of need that you've kept empty for so long
you do the same for me

you will never ever let me beg
plead
or go without what i deserve

*and suddenly i realized this truth about us

i wish i was strong enough to hold both of our souls up simultaneously

between this tangled mess of arms legs and organs
you'll feel my heartbeat mixed in underneath these blankets pumping and pounding like waves do onto beaches
because the warmth of the pacific current only separates our love into microscopic pieces of sand
i can sense the waves all around us every time i say your name
with quaking palms and weak knees
you fill my heart up with the most gorgeous sea shells to ever exist
the waves could toss and tear me apart
wet and crashing as i hold my breath
i try to keep myself flooded with oxygen but the water could fill my lungs and i wouldn't  care
because drowning with you in these blue-green glass tides and soft seaweed isn't the same as drowning at all

i looked at my face in the mirror tonight
my blurred eyes trying to focus
on the thoughts deep inside my mind
i was so lost and so miserable
i ******* loved every second of it

i'm trying not to lose hope
but at the same time
i'm trying to feel something
something real

****
maybe i feel too much at once
is that my problem

maybe i'm too fragile to feel

and as always
now i’m only more lost

and maybe i'm upset
because
i only shove people out of my life
when i know
i'm going to hurt them
i'm the most toxic being to ever live

but
please please

stop reminding me

i'm not trapped in this body
of mine
what i'm trapped in
is society's idea
of the way
my body should be

i'm just a boy
who (occasionally) wants
to feel something

something other than myself
nothing so special about that
*right?